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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

I know I am trying to buy my son's happiness

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I will do whatever it takes to make sure he doesn't slip into a spiral of depression and anger again. I want to give him anything that makes him happy in hopes that he can stay positive and not have as many triggers.

I took him out today and let him pick out the bedroom set he wanted. He spent $2000. When his furniture comes, I will take him to get a TV, a computer, and decor. I will make sure his closet is full of new clothes.

I know it isn't "right", but I want him to feel like he has a place here and it is space that is his own that he loves.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Sep. 22, 2012 at 9:15 PM
Replies (221-229):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 19 on Sep. 23, 2012 at 7:56 PM
Quoting TrouserMouse:




Sorry, I assumed he was depressed. Where does his suicidal thoughts come from, if you don't mind me asking? My son isnt depressed either but he does have the high and low mood sings. I know you can also have obsessive thoughts that can be suicidal thoughts. Suicidal ideation as well. This subject intrigues me as we've gone thru so much with our son.
TrouserMouse
by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 7:58 PM

Sure, I am temperamental though...lol.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

Quoting hope_love_dream:

now my question to you, trouser, is this

can you be my mommy?

lol



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Elyce225
by Emerald Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 8:00 PM
My parents did that for/to me. I loved it as a child but as I got older I realized how awful it was and resented them. We didn't have a good relationship to begin with and I was abused, that is why they bought my happiness, out of guilt.

I hope he doesn't end up resenting you when he gets older (no sarcasm, I really hope it doesn't turn out that way).

Did you find out what you're having yet?
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jamieharper08
by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 8:01 PM

I am glad you were able to buy him those things, I'm sure it makes him feels at home, and loved. Just make sure you work with him on dealing with his feelings. Maybe counseling?

wintermermaid
by Bronze Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 8:02 PM

Of course environment can affect mood. I've never said your son doesn't deserve a nice environment, a nice room, or nice things. 

You are the one that posted saying you are trying to buy your son's happiness. I don't believe happiness can be bought. And when you are dealing with someone that has issues, I especially think it is important to tread carefully in this area because buying happiness doesn't actually work. I do get how in a situation where you probably have little to no control that you want to control anything and everything you can and that if by some chance buying him whatever he requests can help him, you'll do whatever you can in your power to help him. I get that. I just disagree with the notion that you can buy your son's happiness. 


Quoting TrouserMouse:


So, you feel that your environment does not affect your mood?   I disagree.  If I spend a lot of time in a space I am not comfortable with that does not provide me enjoyment, I would be MUCH more likely to become depressed than if I spent time in a space that provided me with comfort and things I enjoy.

I used a different analogy, but when my home is a mess. I feel awful. I feel my mood slipping quickly. When my home is clean, I feel happier. I have more energy.  I am more equipped to handle my day. 

I never once said these were the only measures I was taking. Do I feel him having a nice environment contributes to his ability to maintain a certain degree of happiness? You bet. It is one of the few things I have control of actually. 

Quoting wintermermaid:

You're right, no one has been through what you have been through and I imagine it has been awful. I do have some understanding of getting a young boy grown into a teenager and now an adult man that has been suicidal almost his whole life. It is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. 

I never claimed to know anything about you or your son. I never said that there is a sure fix to your situation. I did say that I was sure you were most likely doing the very best that you could do for your son. 

What I saw as red flags in your OP is the idea that you could buy your son's happiness and that you will do whatever it takes to keep him from spiraling downward again-- relating that last part to the topic of your post about buying his happiness. Buying happiness-- buying things to try and fill a void for your son I believe is going to backfire at some point in his life. Does he deserve nice things? Does he deserve a comfortable space? Yes, absolutely... but whether he has a $2000 bedroom set or not, it's not going to make the difference in whether he spirals downward again or not. And if you believe that it can have that effect, sadly I think you will find out that it's just not true. 


Quoting TrouserMouse:




wodntulk2kno1
by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 8:02 PM
What happens when you cant keep him happy with buying him things? I am not trying to be mean, but I have a son who suffers from several mental issues. I could buy him everything he wants but at the end of the day the problem is still there. I would rather sit and talk out the problem and see if we can fix it then pacify the situation with a quick fix.
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TrouserMouse
by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 8:03 PM

He is not depressed right now, but has a strong history of major depression, suicidal ideation, self injurious behavior and even suicide attempts.

He has issues due to receiving a traumatic brain injury at 10 months old.  This left him unable to control anger.  This led to him being rejected by society essentially because he is seen as a bad kid because people can't tell by looking at him that he has a disability.  To keep his anger under control, he started isolating himself so he wouldn't have to deal with it.  He became horribly depressed and it turned into a horrible onset of 5 years of major depression.  3.5 years he was so depressed that he didn't even attend school.  He avoided interaction with people totally because he knew he couldn't control his anger when something triggered him.  He was sick of being judged.  He has a caring heart and it just hurt him too bad to have people looking at him like he is a freak and an awful kid.

Here is a link to a post I did about him and it links you to another.  I love when people read it because there really is a lot to learn from kids like him.

Quoting Anonymous:

Quoting TrouserMouse:




Sorry, I assumed he was depressed. Where does his suicidal thoughts come from, if you don't mind me asking? My son isnt depressed either but he does have the high and low mood sings. I know you can also have obsessive thoughts that can be suicidal thoughts. Suicidal ideation as well. This subject intrigues me as we've gone thru so much with our son.



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shortycmlb
by Gold Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 8:03 PM

Oh no I understand, I just want to say to not go too overboard or anything. You do what you think is best for your kids, end of story :) Nothing any cm members can say should change your mind. If you feel its best for him then do it and dont look back :) 

Quoting TrouserMouse:

Btw, this is the kid we are talking about.  He has been through a lot of suffering and pain.  Giving him something to provide him a comfortable space of his own will at least provide him a little bit of balance.  He knows how hard life can be. More than most. 

You will get the gist of his story within the first couple of pages of replies.

LINK

Quoting shortycmlb:

No, you said you were trying to buy his happiness. $2,000 for a bedroom set for a 17 yr old is a bit much, especially when it's not including a TV or decor (but that's my opinion). What I'm saying is, he will realize it and may try to milk it for all it's worth. 

I was raised the opposite. My mom shopped thrift stores and neve over $5 clearance, to this day I feel guilt when buying a $10 shirt or jeans, it also goes the other way, so be careful. 

ETA I didnt say it WOULD. Read the red. 

Quoting TrouserMouse:

So, having a bedroom of his own with with typical bedroom things for the first time at 17 years old is going to ruin his life?

Quoting shortycmlb:

You're setting him up to have his happiness be dependant on monetary things.

Not good. Trust me. 





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Anonymous
by Anonymous 19 on Sep. 23, 2012 at 9:31 PM
Quoting TrouserMouse:




Thank you for the links! I will read them after this reply. My son has a lot of anger issues as well. I know all kids are different but the suffering is so much the same. My son struggle socially as well. He has a difficult time fitting in because of the judgement. He has the most difficulty trusting kids his age, they can be SO cruel! He finally made a group of friends but he made the mistake of trusting them with his diagnosis and when they had a falling out they spread that and rumors all over school. He switched schools twice and is finally doing better. The bad thing is that even with medication bipolar disorder can be so difficult to live with. Good luck with your son!
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