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Need input about birth father..... updated about visit in december.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 53 Replies
Update on December visit..... visit went well! Dd was extremely shy which is to be expected. She did confide in me that she did not want her bio dad there it why she was shy. But dh and I told her it would habeas been rude to ask him to leave and that we were proud of her for continuing the visit and eventually opened up. I did back off after she opened up to allow bio dad and his family "alone" time with her with me of course at a close enough distance for her to run to me if she felt unsafe. They caught me off guard by paying for her entry into a children's museum and for her lunch and desert which was very nice of them. She said she had fun playing with her sisters and now has asked for a week if they can come over to her house. She doesn't fully understand there is a long distance between her and her sisters. So I made sure bio dad has our number so they can call her and of course she can text email and Skype them anytime she wants, well when and if bio dad gets Skype. I will do everything in my power to ensure she has a relationship with any bio family she wAnts. I also talked to her grandma about calling once or twice a week because ddi wants that relationship as well. She is not however ready for one with bio dad and that's ok I won't push her and he agreed not to push it as well. Dh went with to the visit and agreed that it was the best move I made and that it went so well he is now willing to share dd and now even talks to her about her sisters including sitting down and asking about her sisters and encouraging her to talk about them and draw them lots of photos as well as encouraged her to communicate with them. He's a great dad to her. I will either update this again if anything more happens. Thanks ladies

Update 10/8- well bio dad contacted me asking for another chance... not to be dad yet but to be her friend and try to establish a relationship with dd! Awesome... that is until i had to email him telling him that all his comments saying i was beautiful and trying to talk about the good old days.... ew(shudders) i can copy and past most of the convo if you all wish in the comments... they way people pick in the post's here is ridiculous. I have nothing to hide either. DD grandma (his mom called) called 2 days ago as well to talk to dd! Its a great start in the right direction. hopefully they keep it up

Thanks ladies!!! This all just validates what i knew all along! The only wrong doing i can agree with and accept as my own is to not call when i had dd... everything else was bd doing, and i cant keep blaming myself... so fron now on i will not... if he wants to be in dd life he can, but he has to do the leg work and i will make sure to accommodate what he wants as far as visit (of course to be fair to everyone including my family), anyone who wants updates can email me here my sn is Barronbaby

Need input.... I say everyone is at fault they say its all BM fault

I moved away after BD began to become abusive. I was 6 months pregnant at the time. BD never contacted or attempted contact me during the remainder of the pregnancy. I had the baby and attempted to get bd involved. I tried to work out visits when she went to bd state, but bd refused because it wasnt in his home, I tried to explain to bd that the courts had told me to do all visits in a neutral zone to avoid conflict until the child had an established bond with bd. bd told myself to leave him alone. fast forward I had another baby with my dh who was born with a birth injury and required a ton of therapy 2 hours away from my home. I have spent the last 3 years fighting for my ds to recover to lead a normal childhood and life. bd want to now be involved with his child 6.5 years later. and is still giving me a hard time about moving and telling me its all my fault. I feel like bd didnt even make an honest effort, but I am willing to let the past go and work for a great future for my child with bd in my childs life. bd and his family refuses to let go of the past and keeps throwing it in my face that I moved so far away.

I have offered visits down anytime i go to visit my family, meet halfway for a weekend once a month for them to see my child and get to know her. as many phone calls as they want to my child every week. and told them they are always welcomed in my home to visit with my child (this way they dont have to get a hotel room). I know i live far away (12 hour drive) but i am willing to do what i have to for bd IF he really wants to be in child life.

I know i did wrong and should have attempted more involvement, but they never once emailed called or sent any letter for me to know what they wanted. Getting a response from bd is like pulling teeth without Novocaine, and his lack of response just shows me how much he doesnt care. but then he goes around crying to everyone how i am such a bitch. i think we all could have made better choices and were all wrong. they say its all my fault and they shouldnt have to clean up my mess. but i didnt create this mess alone right?

the email i recieved last night from his mom:(erased names)
I appreciate the emails. I do not have the internet at home nor do I have a phone that has it so I am not able to check my emails very often. If there would be an emergency, you can call my home and leave a message. T****** is more than welcome to call anytime. If I am not home please ask her to leave a message. I am very busy with work and with my mother who is not in good health. Of course, bd should always be the first notified if there is any emergency (God forbid!) I think you have his email. ***** does get your emails and relays them to us. She is hesitant to respond as she feels that she is not in the position to make any decisions and that it should be up to her brother.
There is lots I would like to say/email, however, I don't know if I will ever be able to explain to you how this situation has affected all of us. It has been, to say the least, VERY difficult for all of us, especially my son and seeing his pain, grief, heartache etc because of it and then trying to explain "why" to the girls. For me personally, as the mother and grandmother, the anger is sometimes overwhelming seeing their suffering and the loss of the last 6 1/2 years for all of our family. I do, however, thank God we have each other or we would not have made it this far. I hope that things do change, that the healing can begin and that T****** can be the part of all of our lives that we so desperately want. (and that it can happen before we loose the older ones of our family, such as my parents who have always been a very vital part of all of our lives) I could go on and on but I won't
Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 28, 2012 at 12:20 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lucky2Beeme
by Ruby Member on Sep. 28, 2012 at 12:24 PM
1 mom liked this

No you did not and if people really wanted a relationship with her they would. Do not let them put it all on you.

ramita
by Gold Member on Sep. 28, 2012 at 12:24 PM
I dont think u did a damn thing wrong! if bd and his family really wanted to be involved they would be! keep ur head up and keep doing what is best for ur child which just might be keeping be away...
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 28, 2012 at 12:28 PM
1 mom liked this
Thats what i have been saying but they keep pointing the blame finger! I didnt create the mess alone, moving was the best thing i could have done.... I was able to provide a life i could never dream of where i am now.... they are frustrating people


Quoting lucky2Beeme:

No you did not and if people really wanted a relationship with her they would. Do not let them put it all on you.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 28, 2012 at 12:29 PM

What's BD?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 28, 2012 at 12:30 PM
Thank you. my child is suppose to be meeting bd at the end of the year, i am more than willing to put the past in the past and move on. i actually told bd mom that i will not continue to justify the past or talk about it.

Quoting ramita:

I dont think u did a damn thing wrong! if bd and his family really wanted to be involved they would be! keep ur head up and keep doing what is best for ur child which just might be keeping be away...
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 28, 2012 at 12:30 PM
baby dad or as we call him birth dad

Quoting Anonymous:

What's BD?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 28, 2012 at 12:36 PM
bump
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 28, 2012 at 12:39 PM

I dont think any of it is your fault.  You tried to involve him, he acted like a jerk about it.  You cant be expected to jump to his every command.  It's HIS job to make sure he has a relationship with his dd, it's only your job to help accomodate HIS efforts.

mommycrissa
by on Sep. 28, 2012 at 12:40 PM

What mess are they cleaning up? 

Their relationship with the child is 100% up to them no matter how far away you are. BD could move closer, call, skype, visit... There are tons of ways for them to see the child and you should not try to contact them so much. I did that with my ex and when I stopped it was 2 years before he did another visitation and it was because I called him.. Now that we have started contact again I am better about waiting for him to call and making back up arrangements for my DD in case he doesn't show up or call and that helps me to not push my DD on her and let him be in control of his own relationship, even if it means destroying it. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Sep. 28, 2012 at 12:44 PM
He didn't want to be involved, he didn't want to follow court orders, let him run his mouth then.

If he really wants to man up then tell him to show up at your house once a month & you'll show up in his town, when you visit family.
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