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would you judge this woman?

lets say you know a woman, she used to have problem with drugs, after staying clean for a year, her bf beats her up and leaves her (because she doesn't approve of him drinking) alone with 2 kids, she spirals into depression, and ends up leaving her kids with her mom and takes off and relapses.

2 months into her relapse, she realises she is pregnant, by her druggie bf. 

scared to go home, ashamed of what she has done, she quits drugs on her own, tells her mom everything is ok, and stays with the loser bf.

then one night, he tries to kill her and her unborn child.

she manages to escape, and ends up couch surfing, because there is no family near enough to help her. he promises to change and begs her forgivness, sick of couch surfing, she goes back.

a month later, he tries to kill her again. 

this time,she calls the police and puts him in jail, packs her bags, and goes home to her mothers, a 3 day drive away. 

her life is in flux, she is a recovering addict (she quit when she found out about the baby) and has 2 children already, 1 whom her mother has raised since she was 15, and another who she placed with her mom while she relapsed. 

determined to stay clean and be a good mom, she makes a hard choice, to learn to be a mother to the 2 children she already has, and focus on recovery, and in order to do that, she decides that she needs to put the child she is carrying up for adoption, just in case she cannot stay clean.

she finds the perfect family, a nice young couple, and the adoption process begins. 

she is scared the stress of a new baby along with learning to be a mother again will be too much for her, she is scared of relapsing. she is scared of putting her kids through hell. again. so she gives her little baby girl up, and keeps working on herself. 

she meets a really nice farm boy, he loves her despite her faults, they meet when she is 7 months preg with the baby she is giving up.

he stands by her, and is there for her and loves her. he treats her children as her own, and is supportive of her decision regarding adoption.

5 years later, they are still together, she is still clean, and is a good wife and mother. 

she has tried her best to make amends for the damage her addiction has caused. 

her oldest still lives with her mother, (although she tried to have him with her, he just wasn't happy, and they had a hard time bonding, ) but she got herself in check in time to save her relationship with the younger one.

4 years after first meeting her farm boy, they have a baby:) and then they get married:) and are now expecting another child. 

do you judge her and begrudge her this child because of her past? (she has 6 years clean now)


Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 3, 2012 at 2:01 PM
Replies (291-300):
ididntdoit111
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:01 AM

I do not judge anyone. It's not my place. But this person has had a hard life and she did the right thing...she made it better. Props to you..I mean her.

tgirl715
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:02 AM

Thank you so very much! It has been a struggle but I'm doing it and every day I get stronger=)  I hope he comes around one of these days but until he hits his rock bottom I know he won't. I pray every night he makes it to the next. Thank you very much for thinking of him also.

Quoting Anonymous:

Yay mama! I am so proud of you! Good job! I'm sorry to hear about your son, I pray one day he gets sober.

Quoting tgirl715:

I am Tammy and yes I struggled for a long time with alcoholism and I fell off the wagon TWICE not every other week. I never have used with my son ever he is a full blown heroin addict and people that are my friends know how I have pleaded to get him help. You are once again saying horrible things about me Corlene after sending me an apology for the nasty things you said. I never said a mean thing about you ever until you threw me under the bus. How dare you throw these lies and I mean lies to the point of slander about me. I have been sober since June 28 at 2:36 am and I am pretty damn proud of myself.

I have tried to stay out of this one just like the other post where you bashed me but enough is enough you don't apologize to someone for the awful cruel things you said and then do it again. I believe you called me "white trash" because I have a drinking problem yet you are offended when people say things to you. I never did a damn thing to you I was supportive and you screwed me and now once again you screwed me again!!

Quoting kjfamily:

Who is Tammy?



Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:03 AM

i was being molested by the pastors son at my moms old church. she was so brainwashed by the church that she refused to listen and refused to leave the church. not only did we go to church 3-4x a week, but i also went to the private school ran by the church, and was faced with my abuser daily. so i decided to take things into my own hands. she left the church finally after i got pregnant with hunter and they told her to disown me and throw me out on the streets.

and saying i am doing what i can is not saying i am giving up. i will never give up on my son, but i know that as he has gotten older, he is better able to understand, last weekend i was out at moms and my ds will be 14 on the 19th of this month. 

we were talking about stuff and he said to me "mom, i guess i understand why you left me with gramma, i am the same age you were when you got pregnant with me, and i sure as heck am not old enough to be a dad right now! " 

i told him he better wait until he is married and has a job before he makes me a gramma lol. 

he is getting old enough to understand, and it makes it easier for us to communicate and understand each other.  i am so lucky that i have a mom who was adamant about raising him, or he would also have ended up being given up for adoption. 

as for my DD........i hope and pray that her adoptive parents will treat her right, and i hope and pray that they never tell her......i would love to see her again.....but in all honesty i just wanted her to be happy and safe.

Quoting Aislin:

Well name calling is sure to change my mind about you. What you are not getting is that even if adoption was the very best choice at the time it still has consequences to the child. That is what yu take no responsibility for. You pt yourself in a situation where abandoning your  children was best. You did that, no one else. Those were your choices dumb ass.

Hell no you shouldn't yet again  rip that boy from his home. I think he has been through enough. But let me ask, why did you choose to run away at 12? Why did you have such a shitty life being raised by the woman you have now entrusted with your son? 

When you say things like "I have done all I can" and "nothing I do will ever make it up to him" it means you are not doing everything you can. You have given up on mending the relationship and have decided what you have now is good enough. If that is your choice then fine but own it instead of making it sound like you are a victim of circumstance. You caused it all with your bad choices.

Quoting Anonymous:

listen dumb ass. i have done all i can do, and i am STILL doing all i can do to repair and maintain my relationship with my son. i KNEW i was a bad mom and not yet ready for yet another child, which is why i gave my dd up for adoption, THAT IS taking responsability for my actions. 

and i just don;t understand what it is you think i should that i am not already doing?! my god.

you are insane! should i go take back the child i gave up? take my son back from the home he is happy in and force him to live with me and love me or what? you're nuts! i am honestly doing all i can do while maintaining a job, and taking care of my other children, who ALSO need me. 

jesus fucking christ. 


Quoting Aislin:

So your behavior and choices have not had any impact on your children? Your son is the very proof that isn't true. The daughter you gave up for adoption is even more proof. You need to take responsibility for all of that. 

You have stated over and over that you gave up on healing the bond that you broke with your son. It doesn't matter how old he is. You don't just give up on healing your relationship with your child ever. You go above and beyond for your kids. You move heaven and earth for them. You don't make excuses for why you can never have a bond. You do anything you have to so that your child can trust you again. You make the choice to live 2 hours from him so that isn't an excuse either. All these excuses are really just your choices. Take responsibility and stop trying to act like a victim. You are not. Your son is.




Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:05 AM

thank you

Quoting DestinyHLewis:

No. If this,story is true she must have busted her ass to stay clean and become a decent person, wife and mom. I would never call her a victim, I would call her a survivor. Therein lies the difference.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:06 AM


Quoting Anonymous:

Someone find her knife threatening post. Liar

i lost my temper with a bitchy co worker......big fucking deal

Aislin
by Platinum Member on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:06 AM

You hope they never tell her she was adopted? I just want to get that answer very clear.

Quoting Anonymous:

i was being molested by the pastors son at my moms old church. she was so brainwashed by the church that she refused to listen and refused to leave the church. not only did we go to church 3-4x a week, but i also went to the private school ran by the church, and was faced with my abuser daily. so i decided to take things into my own hands. she left the church finally after i got pregnant with hunter and they told her to disown me and throw me out on the streets.

and saying i am doing what i can is not saying i am giving up. i will never give up on my son, but i know that as he has gotten older, he is better able to understand, last weekend i was out at moms and my ds will be 14 on the 19th of this month. 

we were talking about stuff and he said to me "mom, i guess i understand why you left me with gramma, i am the same age you were when you got pregnant with me, and i sure as heck am not old enough to be a dad right now! " 

i told him he better wait until he is married and has a job before he makes me a gramma lol. 

he is getting old enough to understand, and it makes it easier for us to communicate and understand each other.  i am so lucky that i have a mom who was adamant about raising him, or he would also have ended up being given up for adoption. 

as for my DD........i hope and pray that her adoptive parents will treat her right, and i hope and pray that they never tell her......i would love to see her again.....but in all honesty i just wanted her to be happy and safe.

Quoting Aislin:

Well name calling is sure to change my mind about you. What you are not getting is that even if adoption was the very best choice at the time it still has consequences to the child. That is what yu take no responsibility for. You pt yourself in a situation where abandoning your  children was best. You did that, no one else. Those were your choices dumb ass.

Hell no you shouldn't yet again  rip that boy from his home. I think he has been through enough. But let me ask, why did you choose to run away at 12? Why did you have such a shitty life being raised by the woman you have now entrusted with your son? 

When you say things like "I have done all I can" and "nothing I do will ever make it up to him" it means you are not doing everything you can. You have given up on mending the relationship and have decided what you have now is good enough. If that is your choice then fine but own it instead of making it sound like you are a victim of circumstance. You caused it all with your bad choices.

Quoting Anonymous:

listen dumb ass. i have done all i can do, and i am STILL doing all i can do to repair and maintain my relationship with my son. i KNEW i was a bad mom and not yet ready for yet another child, which is why i gave my dd up for adoption, THAT IS taking responsability for my actions. 

and i just don;t understand what it is you think i should that i am not already doing?! my god.

you are insane! should i go take back the child i gave up? take my son back from the home he is happy in and force him to live with me and love me or what? you're nuts! i am honestly doing all i can do while maintaining a job, and taking care of my other children, who ALSO need me. 

jesus fucking christ. 


Quoting Aislin:

So your behavior and choices have not had any impact on your children? Your son is the very proof that isn't true. The daughter you gave up for adoption is even more proof. You need to take responsibility for all of that. 

You have stated over and over that you gave up on healing the bond that you broke with your son. It doesn't matter how old he is. You don't just give up on healing your relationship with your child ever. You go above and beyond for your kids. You move heaven and earth for them. You don't make excuses for why you can never have a bond. You do anything you have to so that your child can trust you again. You make the choice to live 2 hours from him so that isn't an excuse either. All these excuses are really just your choices. Take responsibility and stop trying to act like a victim. You are not. Your son is.





Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:09 AM

in a way yes. one side of me is waiting for the day she comes looking for me, because i want to be able to tell her that i love her and always have. another side of me hopes she never knows, so she won't wonder why i didn't want her. and if she was to go looking for her sperm donor...god only knows what he would do to her......in a way it is better that she doesn't know. 

Quoting Aislin:

You hope they never tell her she was adopted? I just want to get that answer very clear.

Quoting Anonymous:

i was being molested by the pastors son at my moms old church. she was so brainwashed by the church that she refused to listen and refused to leave the church. not only did we go to church 3-4x a week, but i also went to the private school ran by the church, and was faced with my abuser daily. so i decided to take things into my own hands. she left the church finally after i got pregnant with hunter and they told her to disown me and throw me out on the streets.

and saying i am doing what i can is not saying i am giving up. i will never give up on my son, but i know that as he has gotten older, he is better able to understand, last weekend i was out at moms and my ds will be 14 on the 19th of this month. 

we were talking about stuff and he said to me "mom, i guess i understand why you left me with gramma, i am the same age you were when you got pregnant with me, and i sure as heck am not old enough to be a dad right now! " 

i told him he better wait until he is married and has a job before he makes me a gramma lol. 

he is getting old enough to understand, and it makes it easier for us to communicate and understand each other.  i am so lucky that i have a mom who was adamant about raising him, or he would also have ended up being given up for adoption. 

as for my DD........i hope and pray that her adoptive parents will treat her right, and i hope and pray that they never tell her......i would love to see her again.....but in all honesty i just wanted her to be happy and safe.

Quoting Aislin:

Well name calling is sure to change my mind about you. What you are not getting is that even if adoption was the very best choice at the time it still has consequences to the child. That is what yu take no responsibility for. You pt yourself in a situation where abandoning your  children was best. You did that, no one else. Those were your choices dumb ass.

Hell no you shouldn't yet again  rip that boy from his home. I think he has been through enough. But let me ask, why did you choose to run away at 12? Why did you have such a shitty life being raised by the woman you have now entrusted with your son? 

When you say things like "I have done all I can" and "nothing I do will ever make it up to him" it means you are not doing everything you can. You have given up on mending the relationship and have decided what you have now is good enough. If that is your choice then fine but own it instead of making it sound like you are a victim of circumstance. You caused it all with your bad choices.

Quoting Anonymous:

listen dumb ass. i have done all i can do, and i am STILL doing all i can do to repair and maintain my relationship with my son. i KNEW i was a bad mom and not yet ready for yet another child, which is why i gave my dd up for adoption, THAT IS taking responsability for my actions. 

and i just don;t understand what it is you think i should that i am not already doing?! my god.

you are insane! should i go take back the child i gave up? take my son back from the home he is happy in and force him to live with me and love me or what? you're nuts! i am honestly doing all i can do while maintaining a job, and taking care of my other children, who ALSO need me. 

jesus fucking christ. 


Quoting Aislin:

So your behavior and choices have not had any impact on your children? Your son is the very proof that isn't true. The daughter you gave up for adoption is even more proof. You need to take responsibility for all of that. 

You have stated over and over that you gave up on healing the bond that you broke with your son. It doesn't matter how old he is. You don't just give up on healing your relationship with your child ever. You go above and beyond for your kids. You move heaven and earth for them. You don't make excuses for why you can never have a bond. You do anything you have to so that your child can trust you again. You make the choice to live 2 hours from him so that isn't an excuse either. All these excuses are really just your choices. Take responsibility and stop trying to act like a victim. You are not. Your son is.






Aislin
by Platinum Member on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:12 AM

I suggest you go read up on adoption issues and late discovery adoptees. It is beyond rare for it not to come out at some point. I doubt you even have a clue what you are saying right now so I am not going to preach to you but it is never good for an adoptee to be lied to their whole life. I have a feeling you are just very uneducated about this.

Quoting Anonymous:

in a way yes. one side of me is waiting for the day she comes looking for me, because i want to be able to tell her that i love her and always have. another side of me hopes she never knows, so she won't wonder why i didn't want her. and if she was to go looking for her sperm donor...god only knows what he would do to her......in a way it is better that she doesn't know. 

Quoting Aislin:

You hope they never tell her she was adopted? I just want to get that answer very clear.

Quoting Anonymous:

i was being molested by the pastors son at my moms old church. she was so brainwashed by the church that she refused to listen and refused to leave the church. not only did we go to church 3-4x a week, but i also went to the private school ran by the church, and was faced with my abuser daily. so i decided to take things into my own hands. she left the church finally after i got pregnant with hunter and they told her to disown me and throw me out on the streets.

and saying i am doing what i can is not saying i am giving up. i will never give up on my son, but i know that as he has gotten older, he is better able to understand, last weekend i was out at moms and my ds will be 14 on the 19th of this month. 

we were talking about stuff and he said to me "mom, i guess i understand why you left me with gramma, i am the same age you were when you got pregnant with me, and i sure as heck am not old enough to be a dad right now! " 

i told him he better wait until he is married and has a job before he makes me a gramma lol. 

he is getting old enough to understand, and it makes it easier for us to communicate and understand each other.  i am so lucky that i have a mom who was adamant about raising him, or he would also have ended up being given up for adoption. 

as for my DD........i hope and pray that her adoptive parents will treat her right, and i hope and pray that they never tell her......i would love to see her again.....but in all honesty i just wanted her to be happy and safe.

Quoting Aislin:

Well name calling is sure to change my mind about you. What you are not getting is that even if adoption was the very best choice at the time it still has consequences to the child. That is what yu take no responsibility for. You pt yourself in a situation where abandoning your  children was best. You did that, no one else. Those were your choices dumb ass.

Hell no you shouldn't yet again  rip that boy from his home. I think he has been through enough. But let me ask, why did you choose to run away at 12? Why did you have such a shitty life being raised by the woman you have now entrusted with your son? 

When you say things like "I have done all I can" and "nothing I do will ever make it up to him" it means you are not doing everything you can. You have given up on mending the relationship and have decided what you have now is good enough. If that is your choice then fine but own it instead of making it sound like you are a victim of circumstance. You caused it all with your bad choices.

Quoting Anonymous:

listen dumb ass. i have done all i can do, and i am STILL doing all i can do to repair and maintain my relationship with my son. i KNEW i was a bad mom and not yet ready for yet another child, which is why i gave my dd up for adoption, THAT IS taking responsability for my actions. 

and i just don;t understand what it is you think i should that i am not already doing?! my god.

you are insane! should i go take back the child i gave up? take my son back from the home he is happy in and force him to live with me and love me or what? you're nuts! i am honestly doing all i can do while maintaining a job, and taking care of my other children, who ALSO need me. 

jesus fucking christ. 


Quoting Aislin:

So your behavior and choices have not had any impact on your children? Your son is the very proof that isn't true. The daughter you gave up for adoption is even more proof. You need to take responsibility for all of that. 

You have stated over and over that you gave up on healing the bond that you broke with your son. It doesn't matter how old he is. You don't just give up on healing your relationship with your child ever. You go above and beyond for your kids. You move heaven and earth for them. You don't make excuses for why you can never have a bond. You do anything you have to so that your child can trust you again. You make the choice to live 2 hours from him so that isn't an excuse either. All these excuses are really just your choices. Take responsibility and stop trying to act like a victim. You are not. Your son is.







Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:18 AM

my mother, aunt and uncle were put up for adoption all at the same time, because my grandfather kept trying to kill them...or so the story goes....and i know what my mom and aunt and uncle went through, their whole lives they knew they were adopted, and because of the ages they were when they were adopted out, i know they all had issues from it. i know that when my mom finally met my gramma, there was a strong connection, and while my aunt and uncle have forgiven her, my mom never did. 

if i could spare her that pain, i would. the couple who adopted her are infertile, they can't have any children of their own. it was supposed to be an open adoption with regular updates and yearly visits, but as soon as the ink was dry they cut me off completely. it is still very painful for me to think about, i trusted them to keep their word, and they didn't. 

i highly doubt they will willingly tell her she was adopted, and if and when they do, she will hate me. i only hope she doesn't hate herself. 

Quoting Aislin:

I suggest you go read up on adoption issues and late discovery adoptees. It is beyond rare for it not to come out at some point. I doubt you even have a clue what you are saying right now so I am not going to preach to you but it is never good for an adoptee to be lied to their whole life. I have a feeling you are just very uneducated about this.

Quoting Anonymous:

in a way yes. one side of me is waiting for the day she comes looking for me, because i want to be able to tell her that i love her and always have. another side of me hopes she never knows, so she won't wonder why i didn't want her. and if she was to go looking for her sperm donor...god only knows what he would do to her......in a way it is better that she doesn't know. 

Quoting Aislin:

You hope they never tell her she was adopted? I just want to get that answer very clear.

Earth_Mama90
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:21 AM
Too much to take in to judge lol
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