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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

would you judge this woman?

lets say you know a woman, she used to have problem with drugs, after staying clean for a year, her bf beats her up and leaves her (because she doesn't approve of him drinking) alone with 2 kids, she spirals into depression, and ends up leaving her kids with her mom and takes off and relapses.

2 months into her relapse, she realises she is pregnant, by her druggie bf. 

scared to go home, ashamed of what she has done, she quits drugs on her own, tells her mom everything is ok, and stays with the loser bf.

then one night, he tries to kill her and her unborn child.

she manages to escape, and ends up couch surfing, because there is no family near enough to help her. he promises to change and begs her forgivness, sick of couch surfing, she goes back.

a month later, he tries to kill her again. 

this time,she calls the police and puts him in jail, packs her bags, and goes home to her mothers, a 3 day drive away. 

her life is in flux, she is a recovering addict (she quit when she found out about the baby) and has 2 children already, 1 whom her mother has raised since she was 15, and another who she placed with her mom while she relapsed. 

determined to stay clean and be a good mom, she makes a hard choice, to learn to be a mother to the 2 children she already has, and focus on recovery, and in order to do that, she decides that she needs to put the child she is carrying up for adoption, just in case she cannot stay clean.

she finds the perfect family, a nice young couple, and the adoption process begins. 

she is scared the stress of a new baby along with learning to be a mother again will be too much for her, she is scared of relapsing. she is scared of putting her kids through hell. again. so she gives her little baby girl up, and keeps working on herself. 

she meets a really nice farm boy, he loves her despite her faults, they meet when she is 7 months preg with the baby she is giving up.

he stands by her, and is there for her and loves her. he treats her children as her own, and is supportive of her decision regarding adoption.

5 years later, they are still together, she is still clean, and is a good wife and mother. 

she has tried her best to make amends for the damage her addiction has caused. 

her oldest still lives with her mother, (although she tried to have him with her, he just wasn't happy, and they had a hard time bonding, ) but she got herself in check in time to save her relationship with the younger one.

4 years after first meeting her farm boy, they have a baby:) and then they get married:) and are now expecting another child. 

do you judge her and begrudge her this child because of her past? (she has 6 years clean now)


Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 3, 2012 at 2:01 PM
Replies (301-310):
Aislin
by Platinum Member on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:25 AM

Open adoptions close a lot. Trust me, I know. Just read up on adoption from the adoptees side some. I really hope that she already knows she is adopted because that is what is best for her. Everyone deserves the truth of their life. I can not even begin to explain the pain of a late discovery adoptee. I wouldn't even try since I am not one but I do know several. Its worse than anything I have ever seen and I have seen a lot. Read up on it and for the love of all that is holy find a support group even if its just the CM one

Quoting Anonymous:

my mother, aunt and uncle were put up for adoption all at the same time, because my grandfather kept trying to kill them...or so the story goes....and i know what my mom and aunt and uncle went through, their whole lives they knew they were adopted, and because of the ages they were when they were adopted out, i know they all had issues from it. i know that when my mom finally met my gramma, there was a strong connection, and while my aunt and uncle have forgiven her, my mom never did. 

if i could spare her that pain, i would. the couple who adopted her are infertile, they can't have any children of their own. it was supposed to be an open adoption with regular updates and yearly visits, but as soon as the ink was dry they cut me off completely. it is still very painful for me to think about, i trusted them to keep their word, and they didn't. 

i highly doubt they will willingly tell her she was adopted, and if and when they do, she will hate me. i only hope she doesn't hate herself. 

Quoting Aislin:

I suggest you go read up on adoption issues and late discovery adoptees. It is beyond rare for it not to come out at some point. I doubt you even have a clue what you are saying right now so I am not going to preach to you but it is never good for an adoptee to be lied to their whole life. I have a feeling you are just very uneducated about this.

Quoting Anonymous:

in a way yes. one side of me is waiting for the day she comes looking for me, because i want to be able to tell her that i love her and always have. another side of me hopes she never knows, so she won't wonder why i didn't want her. and if she was to go looking for her sperm donor...god only knows what he would do to her......in a way it is better that she doesn't know. 

Quoting Aislin:

You hope they never tell her she was adopted? I just want to get that answer very clear.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:26 AM

thank you.

Quoting Aislin:

Open adoptions close a lot. Trust me, I know. Just read up on adoption from the adoptees side some. I really hope that she already knows she is adopted because that is what is best for her. Everyone deserves the truth of their life. I can not even begin to explain the pain of a late discovery adoptee. I wouldn't even try since I am not one but I do know several. Its worse than anything I have ever seen and I have seen a lot. Read up on it and for the love of all that is holy find a support group even if its just the CM one

Quoting Anonymous:

my mother, aunt and uncle were put up for adoption all at the same time, because my grandfather kept trying to kill them...or so the story goes....and i know what my mom and aunt and uncle went through, their whole lives they knew they were adopted, and because of the ages they were when they were adopted out, i know they all had issues from it. i know that when my mom finally met my gramma, there was a strong connection, and while my aunt and uncle have forgiven her, my mom never did. 

if i could spare her that pain, i would. the couple who adopted her are infertile, they can't have any children of their own. it was supposed to be an open adoption with regular updates and yearly visits, but as soon as the ink was dry they cut me off completely. it is still very painful for me to think about, i trusted them to keep their word, and they didn't. 

i highly doubt they will willingly tell her she was adopted, and if and when they do, she will hate me. i only hope she doesn't hate herself. 

Quoting Aislin:

I suggest you go read up on adoption issues and late discovery adoptees. It is beyond rare for it not to come out at some point. I doubt you even have a clue what you are saying right now so I am not going to preach to you but it is never good for an adoptee to be lied to their whole life. I have a feeling you are just very uneducated about this.

Quoting Anonymous:

in a way yes. one side of me is waiting for the day she comes looking for me, because i want to be able to tell her that i love her and always have. another side of me hopes she never knows, so she won't wonder why i didn't want her. and if she was to go looking for her sperm donor...god only knows what he would do to her......in a way it is better that she doesn't know. 

Quoting Aislin:

You hope they never tell her she was adopted? I just want to get that answer very clear.



Aislin
by Platinum Member on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:30 AM

No problem. See, I'm not so bad. I'm just super passionate about adoptees and a tad blunt. 

Quoting Anonymous:

thank you.

Quoting Aislin:

Open adoptions close a lot. Trust me, I know. Just read up on adoption from the adoptees side some. I really hope that she already knows she is adopted because that is what is best for her. Everyone deserves the truth of their life. I can not even begin to explain the pain of a late discovery adoptee. I wouldn't even try since I am not one but I do know several. Its worse than anything I have ever seen and I have seen a lot. Read up on it and for the love of all that is holy find a support group even if its just the CM one

Quoting Anonymous:

my mother, aunt and uncle were put up for adoption all at the same time, because my grandfather kept trying to kill them...or so the story goes....and i know what my mom and aunt and uncle went through, their whole lives they knew they were adopted, and because of the ages they were when they were adopted out, i know they all had issues from it. i know that when my mom finally met my gramma, there was a strong connection, and while my aunt and uncle have forgiven her, my mom never did. 

if i could spare her that pain, i would. the couple who adopted her are infertile, they can't have any children of their own. it was supposed to be an open adoption with regular updates and yearly visits, but as soon as the ink was dry they cut me off completely. it is still very painful for me to think about, i trusted them to keep their word, and they didn't. 

i highly doubt they will willingly tell her she was adopted, and if and when they do, she will hate me. i only hope she doesn't hate herself. 

Quoting Aislin:

I suggest you go read up on adoption issues and late discovery adoptees. It is beyond rare for it not to come out at some point. I doubt you even have a clue what you are saying right now so I am not going to preach to you but it is never good for an adoptee to be lied to their whole life. I have a feeling you are just very uneducated about this.

Quoting Anonymous:

in a way yes. one side of me is waiting for the day she comes looking for me, because i want to be able to tell her that i love her and always have. another side of me hopes she never knows, so she won't wonder why i didn't want her. and if she was to go looking for her sperm donor...god only knows what he would do to her......in a way it is better that she doesn't know. 

Quoting Aislin:

You hope they never tell her she was adopted? I just want to get that answer very clear.




Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:34 AM

yeah i guess...but now i am in tears and should probably go to bed. and i really am doing my best with my son. it kills me when people try to act like they know what goes on between us, i have spent many nights wishing i had made different choices, and crying myself to sleep. i wanted to have that bond with him so badly. it kills me that it isn't there, but i am grateful he has it with my mom.  

Quoting Aislin:

No problem. See, I'm not so bad. I'm just super passionate about adoptees and a tad blunt. 

Quoting Anonymous:

thank you.

Quoting Aislin:

Open adoptions close a lot. Trust me, I know. Just read up on adoption from the adoptees side some. I really hope that she already knows she is adopted because that is what is best for her. Everyone deserves the truth of their life. I can not even begin to explain the pain of a late discovery adoptee. I wouldn't even try since I am not one but I do know several. Its worse than anything I have ever seen and I have seen a lot. Read up on it and for the love of all that is holy find a support group even if its just the CM one

Quoting Anonymous:

my mother, aunt and uncle were put up for adoption all at the same time, because my grandfather kept trying to kill them...or so the story goes....and i know what my mom and aunt and uncle went through, their whole lives they knew they were adopted, and because of the ages they were when they were adopted out, i know they all had issues from it. i know that when my mom finally met my gramma, there was a strong connection, and while my aunt and uncle have forgiven her, my mom never did. 

if i could spare her that pain, i would. the couple who adopted her are infertile, they can't have any children of their own. it was supposed to be an open adoption with regular updates and yearly visits, but as soon as the ink was dry they cut me off completely. it is still very painful for me to think about, i trusted them to keep their word, and they didn't. 

i highly doubt they will willingly tell her she was adopted, and if and when they do, she will hate me. i only hope she doesn't hate herself. 

Quoting Aislin:

I suggest you go read up on adoption issues and late discovery adoptees. It is beyond rare for it not to come out at some point. I doubt you even have a clue what you are saying right now so I am not going to preach to you but it is never good for an adoptee to be lied to their whole life. I have a feeling you are just very uneducated about this.

Quoting Anonymous:

in a way yes. one side of me is waiting for the day she comes looking for me, because i want to be able to tell her that i love her and always have. another side of me hopes she never knows, so she won't wonder why i didn't want her. and if she was to go looking for her sperm donor...god only knows what he would do to her......in a way it is better that she doesn't know. 

Quoting Aislin:

You hope they never tell her she was adopted? I just want to get that answer very clear.





Aislin
by Platinum Member on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:42 AM

You just can't give up. It takes a long time to prove you won't leave again. Adoptees are notorious for testing that. It sucks but it takes twice the pain to heal that bond that it took to break it. Being a mom to an adoptee is hard as hell and it hurts a lot. You just have to keep doing it. A support group will really help with that.

Quoting Anonymous:

yeah i guess...but now i am in tears and should probably go to bed. and i really am doing my best with my son. it kills me when people try to act like they know what goes on between us, i have spent many nights wishing i had made different choices, and crying myself to sleep. i wanted to have that bond with him so badly. it kills me that it isn't there, but i am grateful he has it with my mom.  

Quoting Aislin:

No problem. See, I'm not so bad. I'm just super passionate about adoptees and a tad blunt. 

Quoting Anonymous:

thank you.

Quoting Aislin:

Open adoptions close a lot. Trust me, I know. Just read up on adoption from the adoptees side some. I really hope that she already knows she is adopted because that is what is best for her. Everyone deserves the truth of their life. I can not even begin to explain the pain of a late discovery adoptee. I wouldn't even try since I am not one but I do know several. Its worse than anything I have ever seen and I have seen a lot. Read up on it and for the love of all that is holy find a support group even if its just the CM one

Quoting Anonymous:

my mother, aunt and uncle were put up for adoption all at the same time, because my grandfather kept trying to kill them...or so the story goes....and i know what my mom and aunt and uncle went through, their whole lives they knew they were adopted, and because of the ages they were when they were adopted out, i know they all had issues from it. i know that when my mom finally met my gramma, there was a strong connection, and while my aunt and uncle have forgiven her, my mom never did. 

if i could spare her that pain, i would. the couple who adopted her are infertile, they can't have any children of their own. it was supposed to be an open adoption with regular updates and yearly visits, but as soon as the ink was dry they cut me off completely. it is still very painful for me to think about, i trusted them to keep their word, and they didn't. 

i highly doubt they will willingly tell her she was adopted, and if and when they do, she will hate me. i only hope she doesn't hate herself. 

Quoting Aislin:

I suggest you go read up on adoption issues and late discovery adoptees. It is beyond rare for it not to come out at some point. I doubt you even have a clue what you are saying right now so I am not going to preach to you but it is never good for an adoptee to be lied to their whole life. I have a feeling you are just very uneducated about this.

Quoting Anonymous:

in a way yes. one side of me is waiting for the day she comes looking for me, because i want to be able to tell her that i love her and always have. another side of me hopes she never knows, so she won't wonder why i didn't want her. and if she was to go looking for her sperm donor...god only knows what he would do to her......in a way it is better that she doesn't know. 

Quoting Aislin:

You hope they never tell her she was adopted? I just want to get that answer very clear.






1likeme
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:47 AM
No I would not judge her for that past. I would feel for her two oldest children though because that had to be a very traumatic childhood.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:49 AM

well she is only 5 years old right now, and if her AP's have any say in it, i won't see her until she is an adult or an angry teenager.  in the meantime i try not to dwell on it, because it hurts a lot and it is one of the few subjects that can really make me just cry.  i hope her AP's aren't having a hard time with her, they got her at birth, and it would kill me even more if she was wasn't feeling welcome and loved. that is one of my greatest fears, to hear on the news one day that she is dead at the hands of her parents, like so many stories i hear about on here. 
right now my focus needs to be on the children i DO have, and my oldest boy, who is growing up more and more everyday. he is taller than me and outweighs me by 20lbs! he is almost an adult, and such a good kid.

but anyways, i am super emotional and hormonal, and should really just go to bed now. 

Quoting Aislin:

You just can't give up. It takes a long time to prove you won't leave again. Adoptees are notorious for testing that. It sucks but it takes twice the pain to heal that bond that it took to break it. Being a mom to an adoptee is hard as hell and it hurts a lot. You just have to keep doing it. A support group will really help with that.

Quoting Anonymous:

yeah i guess...but now i am in tears and should probably go to bed. and i really am doing my best with my son. it kills me when people try to act like they know what goes on between us, i have spent many nights wishing i had made different choices, and crying myself to sleep. i wanted to have that bond with him so badly. it kills me that it isn't there, but i am grateful he has it with my mom.  

Quoting Aislin:

No problem. See, I'm not so bad. I'm just super passionate about adoptees and a tad blunt. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:52 AM

my oldest has always been with my mom, not much trauma there, aside from not being raised by me. but he does have his issues and is working thorugh them and i am here for him.
 my 6 year old was just an infant when i had my last relapse, and does not remember it, so he is not traumatized either. they are amazingly good kids. most of the time (says my dh lol)

Quoting 1likeme:

No I would not judge her for that past. I would feel for her two oldest children though because that had to be a very traumatic childhood.


1likeme
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:57 AM
Quoting Anonymous:




Then I say you did the best for them all given the situation. Learning from bad choices and taking responsibility for them is all you truly can do. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would judge you harshly but they aren't worth the emotional energy it would take to care.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 43 on Oct. 4, 2012 at 1:00 AM

no. i wouldnt judge her... only b/c she has kept trying and did what she did in the best interest of her children. i bet it was HARD to let her little girl go- as well as her unborn baby... but i bet they are happy where they are.. same with the oldest kid. i bet that even though with the oldest, they will never have a mother/child relationship- they can probably grow to have a friend relationship... and honestly, thats all she can really ask for.

i'm TRYING not to judge my ex.. same issues; drugs over took his life. i couldnt-- still cant, sometimes- stand the fact that he'd let all 3 of his kids go... but i'm beginning to understand the grasp that drugs have over a person... and i applaud him for trying to get better... and for accepting the fact that maybe when he's fully better, he may never have a relationship with his kids like a father/child.

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