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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Did I waste my parenting efforts on my step son???

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 31 Replies
1 mom liked this

 When I married my first husband he had a 4 year old. Cute, with dimples and a face that belonged in commercials, that was ss. I decided to treat him as if he were my own. I mean, that's the right thing to do, right? His Mom, though, was a witch of the first order. Actually, her WHOLE family was just the most disfunctional, trashy, crazy bunch you'd ever want to meet. I think every member of that family was suffering from bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder, but that's just a guess, I'm not a psychiatrist.

  S.S. acted out a lot. He tested and tested and tested his limits CONSTANTLY, because at his Mom's house, (well, actually it was Grandma's, Mom's, Uncle's and whatever live in boyfriend Mom had that week), the adults were very manipulatable, because they parented based on their mood at the time, not based on any kind of consistent rules. They were ALL abusive to him and his siblings, but again, it was all about their mood swings. Police were sometimes callled, and I heard they were investigated at least once, probably more, by cps. Anywhere they lived, they would always have fights with and be complained about by their neighbors.

  The Grandma once bragged to me that one of her neighbors said about them ,"This was such a nice neighborhood, till you guys moved here!" Anyway, to get back to the point.... Since his Mom's side was abusive, I always wanted ss to live with us, so when she'd get tired of him and come dump him on us without so much as a warning ahead of time, I was always glad to have him, even though dh was never home, so I was the one doing all the child care. I tried to make up for his disfunctional side of his family. I showed him all the love I showed the two my first husband and I had together over the years, and finally, we got a lawyer and got legal custody so she could stop coming and, also without any notice, ripping him from our home every time she got mad that she couldn't put ss on her food stamp application, or the child support stopped since he was living with us, or we dared claim him on OUR income tax return.

  I tried to teach him right from wrong, since his Mom was only teaching him the thug's moral code instead of the Christian moral code, (the thug moral code being, the only rule is 'Don't be a rat'). When he'd go visit his mom, she'd tell him I was turning him into a sissy because he didn't want to go pick fights with the smaller kids when his mom told him to. No, I'm not kidding, she wanted ss to go pick a fight with his little brother's friends, and she called him a sissy and played his sister's, "I'm a Barbie Girl" song and said he should dance to it since he's such a little sissy now.

  Anyway, he really did seem to be growing into a great kid. He was respectful of xh and I, got along with his brother and sister on our side of his family, helped them to get ready for school in the morning, did his chores, and just basically behaved himself. Plus, he'd caught up to his grade level. He'd been WAY behind, and couldn't even read when he was in fifth grade, so I home schooled him for a couple of years until he was caught up. He was a good kid, and even said he knew I love him like I love my own, so I know he felt a security in our home he didn't get with his Mom, because when she got mad, she would tell him she wanted nothing more to do with him. I would never have said that to him.

  Well, when ss was 15, xh and I split up, and I didn't have any legal rights to him. Xh didn't want to keep him if I wasn't there to raise him, so he promptly sent him to his Mother's house, even knowing how abusive she and her family are. She always hated me, and wouldn't even let me talk to him on the phone anymore. FINALLY, I found him on facebook just a few months ago, and even more recently than that, he's gone to live with xh, and is now in our town again. Plus my kids get to see him when they go on their weekend visits with their Dad.

  Well, now he's 17, he smokes, he drinks, he cusses, he has pictures on facebook where he's dressed and posing like a thug, he makes really troubling wall posts on FB too, like one rant that said something like, "B****es think they're so hot, but they're a dime a dozen." I'm really starting to think all my effort was wasted with him. I think maybe he turned out just the same as he would have if I'd let his Mom do all the raising. It breaks my heart. crying

Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:16 AM
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Replies (1-10):
friendlymom5
by Silver Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:26 AM
1 mom liked this
Oh hun that broke my heart to read. I can't imagine the pain you and he must be feeling. Did you message him on facebook? I'm sure he misses you and obviously could use a stong role model. Hugs
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:35 AM

 Yeah. I sent him a message, and then when he moved into xh's apartment, I had him stay here with us for a weekend. He's always the good kid I know when I see him, but I worry so much about what kind of trouble he might get himself into. He told my kids he was arrested once when he lived at his Mom's. He broke into a limo. Not to steal the limo, but whatever was inside it. The weird thing is, on his Mom's side, that kind of thing is encouraged. The aunt ss has who actually turned out good and lives a good life and stays out of trouble with the law, the family likes to say she's stuck up and thinks she's too good for them now and shuns her. I just want to know he's going to have a good life and be happy healthy and productive, but I worry myself to death about him.

Quoting friendlymom5:

Oh hun that broke my heart to read. I can't imagine the pain you and he must be feeling. Did you message him on facebook? I'm sure he misses you and obviously could use a stong role model. Hugs


friendlymom5
by Silver Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:39 AM
Keep at it. Sounds like you are his only lifeline. Bless your heart. Is it ok to keep you two in my thoughts and prayers? I feeel so bad for him zand you. You are amazing.


Quoting Anonymous:

 Yeah. I sent him a message, and then when he moved into xh's apartment, I had him stay here with us for a weekend. He's always the good kid I know when I see him, but I worry so much about what kind of trouble he might get himself into. He told my kids he was arrested once when he lived at his Mom's. He broke into a limo. Not to steal the limo, but whatever was inside it. The weird thing is, on his Mom's side, that kind of thing is encouraged. The aunt ss has who actually turned out good and lives a good life and stays out of trouble with the law, the family likes to say she's stuck up and thinks she's too good for them now and shuns her. I just want to know he's going to have a good life and be happy healthy and productive, but I worry myself to death about him.


Quoting friendlymom5:

Oh hun that broke my heart to read. I can't imagine the pain you and he must be feeling. Did you message him on facebook? I'm sure he misses you and obviously could use a stong role model. Hugs



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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:42 AM

 Thank you. Of course! Prayers are a good thing! :)

Quoting friendlymom5:

Keep at it. Sounds like you are his only lifeline. Bless your heart. Is it ok to keep you two in my thoughts and prayers? I feeel so bad for him zand you. You are amazing.


Quoting Anonymous:

 Yeah. I sent him a message, and then when he moved into xh's apartment, I had him stay here with us for a weekend. He's always the good kid I know when I see him, but I worry so much about what kind of trouble he might get himself into. He told my kids he was arrested once when he lived at his Mom's. He broke into a limo. Not to steal the limo, but whatever was inside it. The weird thing is, on his Mom's side, that kind of thing is encouraged. The aunt ss has who actually turned out good and lives a good life and stays out of trouble with the law, the family likes to say she's stuck up and thinks she's too good for them now and shuns her. I just want to know he's going to have a good life and be happy healthy and productive, but I worry myself to death about him.


Quoting friendlymom5:

Oh hun that broke my heart to read. I can't imagine the pain you and he must be feeling. Did you message him on facebook? I'm sure he misses you and obviously could use a stong role model. Hugs

 



LiliM
by Gold Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:46 AM

That is heartbreaking.  I am so very sorry.  You did what was right for that kid.  And his parents, both of them, have failed him. 

Can you talk with him via PM on FB?  And let your exH know that you are just keeping in contact to CYA via a parent?  I would imagine that kid feels failed and abandoned.  I really hope he can get his shit together with his dad, since his maternal family sounds like a lost cause.

bustybee
by Buzz Lightyear on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:57 AM

well, just let him know that you will always love him as one of your own. at 17 he is almost an adult and can live with you if you want. if you want to you can probably get him back. but that is up to you

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:57 AM

 Yeah. he doesn't get on fb all that much, but I can send him messages there. I think I embarrassed him the first time I found him. Gushing about how much I love and miss  him all over his wall, lol. Thanks for your support. His dad, at least, is no where near as bad as his mom. He would never abuse him.

Quoting LiliM:

That is heartbreaking.  I am so very sorry.  You did what was right for that kid.  And his parents, both of them, have failed him. 

Can you talk with him via PM on FB?  And let your exH know that you are just keeping in contact to CYA via a parent?  I would imagine that kid feels failed and abandoned.  I really hope he can get his shit together with his dad, since his maternal family sounds like a lost cause.


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:59 AM

 I want so badly to tell him that he ALWAYS has a home with me. However, my dh is not in favor of that idea.  He and I would have to figure out a way to work that out, though, if ss did want to live with us. Because I'd love to have him here with us. I've told my dh that he's like one of my own and he wouldn't expect me to turn away my son.

Quoting bustybee:

well, just let him know that you will always love him as one of your own. at 17 he is almost an adult and can live with you if you want. if you want to you can probably get him back. but that is up to you


LiliM
by Gold Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:02 AM

 

Quoting Anonymous:

 Yeah. he doesn't get on fb all that much, but I can send him messages there. I think I embarrassed him the first time I found him. Gushing about how much I love and miss  him all over his wall, lol. Thanks for your support. His dad, at least, is no where near as bad as his mom. He would never abuse him.

Quoting LiliM:

That is heartbreaking.  I am so very sorry.  You did what was right for that kid.  And his parents, both of them, have failed him. 

Can you talk with him via PM on FB?  And let your exH know that you are just keeping in contact to CYA via a parent?  I would imagine that kid feels failed and abandoned.  I really hope he can get his shit together with his dad, since his maternal family sounds like a lost cause.

 

 Bless your heart.  I just saw your other posts where you say he has come over.  I would keep offering to be part of his life, and allow him to be in yours.  I know you can't help but compare mom and dad - but dad sent him back to mom when you were no longer there.  That has got to hurt the kid.  I would bet he was thrilled to hear how much you love and care for him, regardless of how little he may have reacted.  Kids want to be loved and cherished by their parents.  I just had that conversation with my son tonight.  He said, I didn't realize how you really felt about me.  Sometimes, 'I love you' needs a bit more tacked on.

And it doesn't sound like either of his parents are tacking that bit more on.  But you are.  Keep it up.  You are doing the right thing for that kid, and honestly for yourself.  Don't doubt the positives of what you have done for that kid over his life.  It was not wasted.

bustybee
by Buzz Lightyear on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:07 AM

I can clearly see that you love him as one of your own. I would press upon your husband how important it is to you. I would expect that you would have rules and restrictions for him (like no drinking smoking, cussing, or illegal stuff). I hope that he can see your side :)

Quoting Anonymous:

 I want so badly to tell him that he ALWAYS has a home with me. However, my dh is not in favor of that idea.  He and I would have to figure out a way to work that out, though, if ss did want to live with us. Because I'd love to have him here with us. I've told my dh that he's like one of my own and he wouldn't expect me to turn away my son.

Quoting bustybee:

well, just let him know that you will always love him as one of your own. at 17 he is almost an adult and can live with you if you want. if you want to you can probably get him back. but that is up to you

 


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