My name is Breanna, I'm 21, married with 2 daughters who are 2 and 1. I am currently 24 weeks pregnant with identical twin boys. I am going through an adoption process for my twin boys. It's the hardest decision I ever had to make. My marriage is failing, been with DH for 4 years. He is addicted to that synthetic marijuana and it's financially draining us on his $8.00 hr job. I also work and bring in just as much as he does. Just enough to make it buy each month. There is more to our problems, but we have chosen adoption for our boys. We have chosen Mark & Genia, a couple who has been married and has tried to have a baby since 1998. They were chose to adopt a baby boy 2 years ago, but 3 weeks after the birth and after they had grant home, BM decided she wanted to raise him and they returned him. I finally got to speak with them on the phone, and we really like each other which is great! I know they can give my sons better opportunities in life, and they would have a chance to be way more successful, than I could ever give them.
My in laws (mil and gil) told me when we found out my mirena didn't work and I was pregnant, that I should just shoot myself in the head. Lovely huh? My other in laws are sad about it and try to get me to keep them every day. As much as I want to and DH wants to, I know they will have a better well off life with Mark and Genia. As for my girls, I keep my marriage problems seperate from them, and try to save up enough money as I can to make sure they have some money put away for their future, my husband is a wonderful father, just not a very good husband or provider. I buy most of what we need, while he buys his stuff. I changed the rules this week. His pay will go into my bank account, and he will be quiting. I'll be buy his side once again during his withdrawals. This isn't the first time, I have had to kick his butt into gear and stop him from doing drugs. I have been doing this for awhile, he didn't start until after his dad introduced it to him.
Anyways, i guess my confession is, even though it hurts me every day to feel my sons kicks, I know they are going to a couple who will love them, and take care of them, only 90 more days until I have to let them go, that day will be the hardest day in my life and I'm dreading it.
It's ok to bash, I bash myself all the time for marrying an irresponsible guy, and my birth control failing. I have no excuses. I am and was approved for getting my tubes tied, which will be done after the twins are born.