So, I had my son super young. I got preggo at 14 and had him at 15. I love my son dearly, and I wouldn't trade this life for anything in the world, but knowing what I know now I would have given adoption a better chance. Although his life hasn't been a shitty one by any means, I wouldn't have been able to do any of it without the help of my dad, some great people at the daycare he went to, and really close friends. And I know that if he had been adopted that he would have had a much more normal and stable life from the start.
I dont regret my decision, but if I could go back in time and do it differently I would have considered it.
Do any of you feel the same way?
I had a quick look at your profile. You sound like a fabulous person, interested in volunteering, clean living, fitness and so on.
Most people when they say "better off" mean financially. And it's possible that he would have been better off, but it's not guaranteed. Adoptive parents aren't magic people. They can go bankrupt, loose their income, get divorced, get sick, die, become addicts and so on. How would you feel now if you'd given your son up for "a better life" and now he was being raised by a poor, divorces alcoholic. I personally know women who've had that happen.
Do you think your son would be glad to have lost you and his brothers for a college fund, or a swimming pool, or a big house? Do you think that being well off financially makes better people over people who have to struggle to get ahead?
I wish you'd get these doubts and this nonsense out of your head. If you need more proof that you and your son are better off together, please read the book "The girls who went away" by Ann Fessler (an adoptee) It tells the story of young women who had no choice but to surrender their babies for adoption. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+girls+who+went+away
And/or "the primal wound: understanding the adopted child" by Nancy Verrier http://www.amazon.com/Primal-Wound-Understanding-Adopted-Child/dp/0963648004/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1349933962&sr=1-5&keywords=the+girls+who+went+away What most adoptees say is the adoption bible and cronicles what it's like to be given away by the woman that should have been willing to die for them.
Or, google adoption loss and see how many websites there are for people who have been separated by adoption. Trust me, it's not the win/win scenario you've been let to believe.
You found the resources you need, the family support you needed, in order to keep your family preserved. You did the right thing. Hold your head up and forget this notion that your son would have been "better off" because unless you've abused, neglected or theatened his safety, he would not have been.
Quoting manicMOM_DLC:
you're absolutely right.
but i did have him at 15. 30 days after my birthday. statistically, he would have had a better life in adoption. I will reiterate that I do not regret my choice, but knowing what I know now i woul dhave at least considered it.
Quoting legalmommy101:
No, and what makes you assume he would have had a more "normal and stable life" with someone else? You are his mother. Biologically, you are perfect to raise your OWN child. It's up to YOU what kind of life your child has. If you had given him up, you give up the power to make sure he has a good life. Not every child who is adopted has such a wonderful life. There are many, many cases of adoptive parents abusing their adopted children.
I don't feel that way. I had my son at 17 and even though I got help too. It is a wonderful experience that I wouldn't trade for the world. I love my son so much and If I didn't have him I felt like my life would have took a different path.
(Click to see my tumblr)
I agree. There's nothing selfish about being responsible enough to raise your own baby. Your baby loved and wanted you, nothing more.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
Darlin that's not selfish...It would be selfish if you were a drug addict or whatever and couldn't care for him but wanted him anyways...You love him and you provide right? So I don't think that's selfish.
Quoting manicMOM_DLC:
youre right, of course.
im just saying i would have at least considered it. I feel like I made the choice because I was selfish. I kept him because I loved him dearly and I needed something to give me meaning in life.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
You don't know for sure adoption would have been better...what if he was adopted to someone screwed up...EVERYTHING happens for a reason...If hes happy then your doing good! I was 18 when I got preg and 19 when I had them..I wouldn't trade them for anything...I feel like they saved me
onethentwins...I'm assuming you have twins? Me to...Mine are 16 now..identical girls you?
Quoting onethentwins:
I agree. There's nothing selfish about being responsible enough to raise your own baby. Your baby loved and wanted you, nothing more.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
Darlin that's not selfish...It would be selfish if you were a drug addict or whatever and couldn't care for him but wanted him anyways...You love him and you provide right? So I don't think that's selfish.
Quoting manicMOM_DLC:
youre right, of course.
im just saying i would have at least considered it. I feel like I made the choice because I was selfish. I kept him because I loved him dearly and I needed something to give me meaning in life.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
You don't know for sure adoption would have been better...what if he was adopted to someone screwed up...EVERYTHING happens for a reason...If hes happy then your doing good! I was 18 when I got preg and 19 when I had them..I wouldn't trade them for anything...I feel like they saved me
19. On boy one girl. They're wonderful people. I kept waiting for teen rebellion which never came, unless you call my boy joining the Marines rebellion.
The "one" in my name is my son that I gave up for adoption. Which is why I'm so passionate about this topic, the worst mistake of my life. He's in my avatar with me and his adoptive mother, we're celebrating his 21st birthday.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
onethentwins...I'm assuming you have twins? Me to...Mine are 16 now..identical girls you?
Quoting onethentwins:
I agree. There's nothing selfish about being responsible enough to raise your own baby. Your baby loved and wanted you, nothing more.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
Darlin that's not selfish...It would be selfish if you were a drug addict or whatever and couldn't care for him but wanted him anyways...You love him and you provide right? So I don't think that's selfish.
Quoting manicMOM_DLC:
youre right, of course.
im just saying i would have at least considered it. I feel like I made the choice because I was selfish. I kept him because I loved him dearly and I needed something to give me meaning in life.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
You don't know for sure adoption would have been better...what if he was adopted to someone screwed up...EVERYTHING happens for a reason...If hes happy then your doing good! I was 18 when I got preg and 19 when I had them..I wouldn't trade them for anything...I feel like they saved me
You might feel it was a mistake but it seems it turned out well...You know him now that he's an adult I take it?? Like I told the OP...everything happens for a reason!!!
Quoting onethentwins:
19. On boy one girl. They're wonderful people. I kept waiting for teen rebellion which never came, unless you call my boy joining the Marines rebellion.
The "one" in my name is my son that I gave up for adoption. Which is why I'm so passionate about this topic, the worst mistake of my life. He's in my avatar with me and his adoptive mother, we're celebrating his 21st birthday.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
onethentwins...I'm assuming you have twins? Me to...Mine are 16 now..identical girls you?
Quoting onethentwins:
I agree. There's nothing selfish about being responsible enough to raise your own baby. Your baby loved and wanted you, nothing more.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
Darlin that's not selfish...It would be selfish if you were a drug addict or whatever and couldn't care for him but wanted him anyways...You love him and you provide right? So I don't think that's selfish.
Quoting manicMOM_DLC:
youre right, of course.
im just saying i would have at least considered it. I feel like I made the choice because I was selfish. I kept him because I loved him dearly and I needed something to give me meaning in life.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
You don't know for sure adoption would have been better...what if he was adopted to someone screwed up...EVERYTHING happens for a reason...If hes happy then your doing good! I was 18 when I got preg and 19 when I had them..I wouldn't trade them for anything...I feel like they saved me
Maybe it does. It's complicated.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
You might feel it was a mistake but it seems it turned out well...You know him now that he's an adult I take it?? Like I told the OP...everything happens for a reason!!!
Quoting onethentwins:
19. On boy one girl. They're wonderful people. I kept waiting for teen rebellion which never came, unless you call my boy joining the Marines rebellion.
The "one" in my name is my son that I gave up for adoption. Which is why I'm so passionate about this topic, the worst mistake of my life. He's in my avatar with me and his adoptive mother, we're celebrating his 21st birthday.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
onethentwins...I'm assuming you have twins? Me to...Mine are 16 now..identical girls you?
Quoting onethentwins:
I agree. There's nothing selfish about being responsible enough to raise your own baby. Your baby loved and wanted you, nothing more.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
Darlin that's not selfish...It would be selfish if you were a drug addict or whatever and couldn't care for him but wanted him anyways...You love him and you provide right? So I don't think that's selfish.
Quoting manicMOM_DLC:
youre right, of course.
im just saying i would have at least considered it. I feel like I made the choice because I was selfish. I kept him because I loved him dearly and I needed something to give me meaning in life.
Quoting BelleVernonGirl:
You don't know for sure adoption would have been better...what if he was adopted to someone screwed up...EVERYTHING happens for a reason...If hes happy then your doing good! I was 18 when I got preg and 19 when I had them..I wouldn't trade them for anything...I feel like they saved me
At what age should I tell my son dh is not his bio dad?
- manicMOM_DLC
on Oct. 11, 2012 at 1:09 AM