To whom it may concern,
For the past few years I have had recurrent thoughts of suicide, death, and dying. Life circumstances have lead me to a place in which I feel the need to end my life. After suffering through a traumatic childhood, to say the very least, I found myself quite lost. My soul searched for years to gain pieces that had been missing my entire life. I sought after and failed miserably in attempting to do so. Not only did I destroy my self worth,
I lost my sanity. Though the choices that one makes in life can vary depending on circumstances, how can one make the correct choices with the worst of circumstances? It is simply unavoidable at the very least to rise above such an impoverished state of mind. Blame is useless, but if there were fingers to point they would lead primarily at the caretakers responsible for my upbringing. With that said, I take full responsibility for my own actions and choices. They are mine to have and the last things I have to cling onto.
When coming to this point in my life I have done a considerable amount of thinking. It is indeed that thought which has gotten me into such a deep state of peril. I refuse to seek help of any kind. Help is ultimately what has and always will fail me. Therapy was never consistant enough, and the pills never worked. Perhaps my chemical imbalance was far beyond the doctor's grasp. I was born hopeless. What were my parents to do? Nothing of course. Which they did very well at.
Ultimately I have lost my grasp of control on my life I once longed for. I used to pray every night I would be able to be independent one day and to not live under the roof of my submissive mother and overbearing stepfather. Being an adult was something I looked forward to. These days, I look forward to nothing. Nothing brings
me happiness. I am not entitled to happiness, nor will I ever see it again. I am stuck. There is no one left in this world who gives a damn. My son, yes of course...but he is much better off without me. There are plenty of other women out there who can do it....certainly his father thinks so. Although his father never takes care of him
so how would he know?
After losing my youth I fell into a deep and bitter depression. I laid around the house all day with a newborn. I felt hopeless and extremely upset. Every day I wished that I could go back to my old life of good looks, hobbies, and friends. My new hobbies included changing diapers and sitting in front of a screen. I had lost my will to live. There was no love left in my relationship. I only stayed because I wanted my son to have two parents. I felt like a door mat, and still do to this day. Unappreciated and used. That will always be my role...unless I end it for good. I'm looking forward to being done with my life. I even fantasize about shooting myself in the throat.
Hopefully one day someone reads this after I am gone.