My husband abandoned us.. Heartbroken **Long** COURT UPDATE 12-12-12 ***NEW***EDIT (FYI)
My husband left on October 26th when this site went down and I have been going through a really hard time. We dated seven years and got married last year. Our 1 year anniversary was coming up on Nov. 11th. He had been distant around the 17th and disappeared on a 5 hour walk with the dog. 11pm-4am. During that time I was on meds because I had 4 wisdoms removed the weekend before and my 4 yr old woke up with a severe earache. I couldn't reach him so I drove her to the emergency. He got back after we did. He had no explanation. He wasn't out cheating. I checked phone records to find out more info because he couldn't tell me what he was doing. He is not on drugs either. This man hardly drinks as well. I was so mad at him because I needed him.Shortly after I found out he had planned a surprise mini barbeque for that Saturday Oct 20th for my birthday. He seemed fine that night and he was so loving after. I was happy. I know we got into a bit of an argument the next day.Monday, Oct 22nd was my birthday and he didn't acknowledge me. He didn't tell me happy birthday until noon which is odd because he usually wakes me up right at midnight. He didn't take a sick day like he had planned all year. He became very distant. He wouldn't let me near him and he wouldn't sleep in the bedroom. He slept in the living room. Thursday, Oct 25th I was driving home from class and he called me. He sounded like himself. we talked about plans for thanksgiving and Christmas. We talked about stuff he wanted to go put on layaway. He seemed good and we talked for 30 minutes. When he walked in the door that night, he had a look on his face that read that he was better or that he didn't want to fight anymore. He seemed relaxed. I walked toward him and he walked by me to my daughter's room to give her a kiss. I followed and asked what was wrong. He said you can't even give me a kiss hello. I said that was what I was trying to do when you walked passed me. We had some conversation and around 12 I said I'm really tried, why don't you come to bed with me. He got cold and said he wasn't tired. I woke up around 4:30 am to see him sitting on the couch starring straight ahead to a tv that was turned off. I said come to bed you look tired. I touched his arm and he pulled back so fast. He clenched his teeth and said I'm fine here. I said what is wrong, you have to talk to me. He said its just not working anymore. I want to leave. I couldn't breathe and stepped outside for some air. I was shaking so hard and I logged into our bank acct on my phone. He had moved some of our money into his personal acct. I was so angry and tried to confront him but he ignored me. I tried logging in with his username, but he had changed the password. I don't know how but I managed to guess his password after two tries. I moved the money back to the joint. I moved all the extra money in a checking I had to open and moved my daughters savings in there too. Something told me to check facebook. I used that password to see that he had talked a girl asking her how he could get out of an 8 year relationship. I asked him when he was leaving and he said the end of the weekend. He wanted us to suffer for two days, watching him pack his stuff. I said if you want to go, the it needs to be now. He said fine. He called his parents who rushed to get him.
*I forgot to add. My daughter woke up for school that morning a couple of hours after he said he was leaving. I know this man and he planned to disappear. I told my daughter, daddy is leaving and I dont think he will be here when you get home. You need to say bye. She cried and wouldn't hug him. ** I took her to school before I came back and asked him to leave. **
****So his parents get there and they beginning packing all his things. I hide out in the bedroom because I can't stand the way they think its ok for their son to run out on his family. If it were my son, i'd slap him across the head and tell him to take care of his responsibility. They pack up everything and I rush to the living to lock the door. He comes back with his mom and bangs with two fists on the door and punches it, trying to get in. I'm shaking and tell him that he got everything and that he had already done enough damage. They sit outside in the car for two hours waiting for the apartment office to open. The next thing i know, the apartment manager is knocking on the door and I let her in. Apparently he ran over there and told her that he was moving out and wanted to be removed from the lease. She told him that she needed my permission. She also said that with my income, we would not qualify to live there. He knew all this and yet he tried to get out and leave me and his daughter homeless. He said well I'll get a notarized letter to get out of it. She said it would not work. She asked him if was still going to help me with the bills, he said no he was leaving. After she left, he called the cops. The cop told me that he wanted to come in and get more of his stuff, i told him i was uncomfortable with his parents there. The cop told him that I did not have to let him in. so they all left. ***
Friday Night (He left that morning) I couldn't be at home, my mom took my daughter and I went with my friend. I was so down and when I got home that night, he had stripped the cable and the internet. He works for time warner so he had everything free. He had told me that morning that he would leave everything for my daughter until he was settled. Well he lied. Also, to be vindictive, he took just the cable part to my phone charger.
Saturday and Sunday- I hung out with my daughter and friends. I didn't really feel anything until Monday Oct 29th. I stopped eating and can't stop crying.
*********Monday Oct 29th- Friday Nov. 2nd:*************
My daughter stopped wanting to eat breakfast and I could only get her to eat two bites of food for dinner the entire week. She cries all the time. She used to be a very well behaved child and now she does everything she knows she isn't allowed to do. I don't know how to be strong for her. One night I had to rock my 4 year old for 2 hours as she kicked me and tried to get away screaming that she needed her daddy, blankie , and star (our shih tzu who now has to stay with my parents because of my schedule). She lost half her family in one day. One of the nights I was bathing her and I was really down. She said "You're sad mommy" I said yes baby. She said "I know how you feel" I said how do you know how I feel. She said "Because I feel the same way, I miss him too." She's 4. :(
Halloween is a big thing for us because we like to do all the fall festival activities and TOT. On tuesday, she called him and cried so much on the phone. It was then that he told me he was disconnecting the electric thtat week.
On Wednesday Oct 31st. She cried in the morning because he didn't see her in her costume. By the time it was time for TOT, she was a mess. I called him and said can you see her since he was supposed to get out of work @ 5pm. I made a huge mistake. She ran to him crying saying please come home and be a family again. I don't want to live with just you or mommy I want and need both of you. I cried. I asked him what had happened, he said he had nothing to say to me and he told her he wasn't coming back. She would not let him go and he told me he wanted a divorce. I tried to drag her back to the car 4 times and she kept running after him. When we left the parking lot where we met he was just sitting in his work van starring into space.
*** I poured my heart to him one night and he just kept saying we have nothing to talk about and laughed. What the hell happened to this man I have been with for so many years.***
He has not tried to contact us and changed his phone number. He took the cable/internet boxes but never had the services disconnected just to be spiteful. We now have to move in with my parents. I am trying to stay out of depression and I can't eat, sleep, or get through each day. I work full time and go to school full time. I don't know what to do.
So, I have been really down. Mostly when my daughter is at school, i'm at work or driving to and from school. This morning, I received a text from a Florida number. Remember I am in Texas. It said "This is _____ and I just wanted to know where this t-mobile charge is coming from. I quickly blocked that number. I can't believe he can't even say hello or ask about our daughter. About 7 minutes later, I receieved a phone call from a local number, but I did not answer it. Five minutes after that, I received a text from a Kansas number that read, "Hello." I blocked that as well. What is going on here... why is he messing with me?
11-7-12 Small Update:
A couple of days ago I received a letter under his name from our bank about our joint account. It said they were sorry to hear about the recent theft on the account and they would be cancelling all checks and debit cards to make sure no more transactions would go through.
Tomorrow he is supposed to get paid with direct deposit. Direct deposit can not be changed to another account if your current account is Negative. I found out that my husband went to the bank or called them on Oct. 26th (the day he left) and told them there had been a theft of his checks and debit card. They put a theft hard hold on the account so no more transactions could be made and direct deposit checks would not be accepted. He did this because this would be the only way to ensure that he would get a paper copy of his check and could avoid paying all those negative fees. I explained the situation to a supervisor and they removed the hold.
Tomorrow he will get a little suprise when he realizes his check got direct deposited and he paid for the Negative acct.
Apparently he took it one step further and had his place of employment give him a paper check. I'm so pissed off. I called him this morning finally after trying to avoid it all together. I have $80 to my name and her dance payment of $185 (monthly and recital costume) is due. I have had to take her to the doctor with a cold ($50), buy groceries, etc and she has counseling coming up. I drive M-TR (40 miles) to school so gas is expensive. It was like this when he left, so it's very hard to make any changes now. **If he hadn't of taken off after i paid all the bills when I got paid, I would have more money right now**
He answered the phone and the first words out of his mouth were, "What is the $200 T-Mobile Charge?" Wtf ever happened to 'How is my daughter?' I completely went off on him. I told him he needed to pay all the charges in the bank account and I needed money to survive until the end of the month. Plus she needs her dance paid for. He said he wasn't paying that T-Mobile charge or my $50 dell payment. I told him that I used my debit for the $200 and the $50 when my check went in and before he took money out, so therefore he stole that money for those payments. He said he wasn't going to pay for the electric either because although it's under his name he wasn't using it. I told him, YOU CALLED ME to tell me you were cancelling it and your daughter is living here. He said that he told me so I could have enough time to change it. I told him well I have news for you. I cancelled it right away, so we haven't been using YOUR electrict. He stayed quiet.
All the other charges are from his personal bills. I told him that I now also had to pay for therapy for our daughter because she was still having trouble.
That is when he hung up. He does not want to hear how he screwed her up. He won't answer anymore and I am not going to try to call him again. My mom is trying to get a hold of a local judge she knows because I can not afford a lawyer. I don't know why he is doing all this.
P.S. - I went a whole day without crying.. I call that progress. My daughter is still sad and I'm still reassuring her that everything will be okay.
I am trying to take out a small loan to help me pay for those bills he is refusing. He said he would give me some money if I let him see our daughter, but one, I don't trust him, and two, he hasn't called for her at all and as soon as I said it wasn't a good idea for her to see him because she started to do a little bit better and it would make her regress, he used the money against me. He needs to realize that money isn't as important to me. At least the loan will help me survive. I'll be moving in with my parents before Thanksgiving. I gave the 60 day move out notice to the apartment. Since we are "both" leaving, we will both be repsonsible. It's the only way I can force him to pay anything. He still calls everyday and I haven't answered. I think it's starting to freak him out.
I hope I make it through the weekend okay. This sunday would be our first wedding anniversay. I was supposed to be going to vegas or to san antonio for the weekend, now I'm trying to figure out how to survive. Oh well. Thank you all for your support. I have never posted personal stuff here, but it has helped ALOT.
It's been a rough weekend. My daughter and I went to the carnival alone for the first time. She really wanted to go and used her piggybank money for her wristband. She was doing well and having fun. Then came a couple of rides daddy always went with her on. I don't do those specific ones because I get motion sickness very badly. Well she said she was doing them alone withouthim. They said she was too short so she burst into tears and asked for him. I calmed her down.Today is so hard for me. It's supposed to be my first wedding anniversary. It's so hard to not feel sad for my marriage and family. It hurts so bad.
I feel so discouraged. I took out a $1000 loan today to pay some bills that he took the money for. I am so close to finishing school and have been working on my credit for two years. I would hate for it to get ruined. I went to a different attny today. I told him everything that had happened. He said even though it was a cruel way to do things, there was nothing I could do. He said I could file for divorce and I would have to pay for it, but they would give him rights to have her every other weekend and on holidays. I don't see him mentally stable and they said its hard to prove. His parents don't care yet they will be able to see her all the time per the courts. I am not comfortable with it. He told me that even with child support from the attorney general, he would have rights to see her no matter what and if I wanted to fight it, I would need a lawyer. I feel so lost. I can't believe that someone is allowed to pretty much abandon everything and get away with it just because it has been a year or ten years. My heart is completely broken.
Ps. Something weird happened on saturday. I took my daughter to the carnival using her savings per her request. We got home at 9pm and I was getting her ready for bed. It was freezing in her room, so I went to check the thermostat. I usually have it set to 72 or 73, It said 50. We never touched it. I am currently packing to move, but its been hard trying to catch up on housework and homework.
I have been trying to keep everything together for us, but I am falling apart. I am an emotional wreck this week. I don't know if it's because its almost Thanksgiving or what. It's been the worst week yet. I am trying to pull through work and school and I just can't concentrate. I keep having panic attacks when I'm driving or at work a couple of times out of no where. He has not called or texted at all. I feel alone and I don't show that side to my daughter..mainly when she sleeps or when i'm alone (school, work). Everyone tells me it's going to get better, but I feel like I'm dying. It's like I dont feel like being home, but I don't want to go out. I need to see a doctor, but I don't have anymore time off from work and I'm worried about money. I feel lost and sad.
My daughter is doing okay. She was sad because they had a "take your parents to breakfast" day at school and she was missing him. She has convinced herself that he might return after christmas or Easter.. I guess it makes her feel better, but I tell her that I don't know if he is going to come back or I don't know why he isn't calling. What broke my heart was when she said, "I know you're okay Mommy because you're here with me, but I don't know where daddy is, so I don't know if he's okay." Thank you everyone for your support
**** He called yesterday. I answered before I realized it was him. My parents had taken my daughter to gymnastics and I thought it was my mom calling to ask if I was going to make it picking her up. I just said "hello" and he asked for our daughter. I said she's not with me. He said why. All I said was I.had been working late and I.asked him why he was calling for her all of a sudden. I said you.haven't shown interest in her at all. You haven't answered any really about her progress. I said you just wanted to abandon everything and all responsibility. He said I already toldyou, I have a new email address. I said yeah but that's not my problem. You knew that that's the way I was communicating with you. He said well I'm not going to respond to any emails and the reason I haven't called was because I don't know your schedule. Ughhh. I told him that we were very busy and the doctor for her not to talk to him for a while because she can't handle it. I said I have to go. I have to meet up with someone. He stayed quiet and I hung up. I was shaking the entire time.****
It's been a while since I have been on because I have been busy trying to catch up with school work, spending time with my daughter and I recently got a cold. I want to thank everyone for continuing to take the time to response and send your thoughts and prayers. I think I am finally at peace with everything is happen. I am angry at him, but I'm no longer emotional or sad anymore. I started thinking about everything I've been through with him and I guess I realized that I deserve better and no one else will put up with him and his actions. My daughter is doing well. She still asks for him from time to time. Last monday I allowed her to call him since everyone believes that I am not allowing him or trying to get her to talk to him. The first words out of her mouth were "are you coming home yet." He sounded like he wanted to cry. That's not my problem, but I'm glad she talked to him for her sake. He hasn't called since and didn't even call for thanksgiving. He's the adult and should be calling her and it just proves my point that he doesn't want to talk. I will answer if he does call, but honestly it feels like he only does when he's feeling horribly down and that's not fair.
We had a great thanksgiving and I had an awesome time with my aunts. I'm happy to say that things are looking up. As soon as I can come up with some extra money I will be pursuing divorce and I'm still waiting to hear from the attorney general about the child support. I am halfway packed with the apartment, so hopefully we move right after my finals. Thank you everyone and I hope you all had a great thanksgiving.
Today is his 30th birthday and i guess he decided to get himsef a gift. I was served with restraining order by him and a petition for divorce. Every attorney I saw said I had to wait sixty days and I had no grounds for a restraining order. Yet, he gets to do this all, file for divorce, etc. The restraining order said that I was trying to keep him away from her. He hasn't tried to contact her anymore. The couple of conversations we have had, he hasn't mentioned her. It also states that I have been talking about him and his family in a negative way to her or to where she can hear. He restricted me for moving out of the county and taking her out of school, but why would I want to? This whole time, while ive been trying to scrape money together for bills and such, he is saving his up to try to screw me over some more. Luckily I have my logs of everything.. Wish me luck . I have to report December 5th @ 9am.
So I got a lawyer. My co-workers ex is an attorney and althought he doesn't normally practice family law he is going to help me. I will be taking out a loan to pay for the cost with my mom's help. As far as my spending as one of you have mentioned. My child has her own savings account. No matter how hard the bills get, I'm not touching it. If she wants to use some for a treat, then I'm going to let her. I reread the paperwork carefully. It is a Temporary Restraining Order. It basically states that he is accusing me of trying to move her out of the county and talking back about him and his family to her and that I hid her from him. He still has a key to our apartment. He tries to call maybe once a week. If someone really wants to see their child, wouldn't they call multiple times or drive over here to make that huge attempt. If that was the case, I would be in trouble right now. I also have proof that I never intended that. All my bills had already been changed to my parents' address and I had already registered for my Spring classes. Phone records show where we called a couple of weekends in a row and no answer. It also shows that the only times he attempted to call were between 8pm-9pm during the week when shes already asleep. He knows what our schedule was. Right now I'm not too worried because I never intended anything he claims. I am a little heartbroken it came to this. It's starting to hit me again, but I just want everything to be over already. Oh yeah, the paperwork he file also states that we separated on October 23rd, when it was the 26th. He has no facts straight.
Okay.. I'm sorry for taking so long to update. It was probably the worst week of my life. Let's see. I had a severe cold from before thanksgiving, which has barely gone away. That week was also the week of my finals. I had so much catching up to do and so many projects that I pulled three allnighters..yes three :-(. Also that week we had a death in the family and all our extended family came in for the funeral and wake. Unfortunately with my exams, it was hard being there the whole time. That was also the week he took me to court.. I'll get to that in a second. I am happy to say that despite everything that has happened, I managed to pass my classes with 3 A's and 1 B. I'm so happy he didn't ruin it for me, but I'm exhausted. On to court:
I am not sure what my attorney is on, but he tried to work things out with my ex's attorney. When I walked in to court, my stbx was sitting there with his mommy and daddy. I decided to go alone because I felt like I needed to be my normal, independent self. I've never felt such angry glares. Anyway, our case never made it to the judge. Our attorneys tried to work something out. I wasn't thrilled, but apparently my attorney thought he could not fight custody without a police report, which the police would not give me unless there was actual physical violence. He told his attorney what happened. His attny claimed that I was ignorning his calls. I had the phone records to prove that 95% of our interactions were phone calls from me to him. My attny brought up the changed email, and his said it was because I was harassing him. I had 5 emails, one a day about how my daughter needed to talk to him and stuff she would say. I brought up all the fees he owed, etc. His attny is trying to get him out of paying anything but child support. When we did go before the judge, he was granted visitation, unsupervised and no overnight visits. The child support granted to us was $500/month and he promised to pay half of the last month of our apt and pay the negative in the account. This happened Wednesday, December 5th. His first visitation day was Saturday the 8th and sunday the 9th. On that Friday, he was supposed to bring me the money to pay the rest of the apartment. He wanted his parents' to drop it off at my work. That was not happening. His parents are the worst people I have ever met, and I love everyone. His mom has caused so much conflict and drama in our lives and she's a total bitch when he's done this crap. He is a total mama's boy. I told my atttorney that this was my workplace and I would like for him to drop it off at the back door quickly because I work in an office and like to keep my business to myself. Well he texted me friday morning that he was up front. I said please come to the back. He said no. I said then we can meet at another time because there was a huge meeting going on up front. Well he got upset and left. Later that afternoon, I get a call from the secretary up front that there was a lady there to see him. I walk with my co-worker and his mom is standing there. "I came to drop off this check that you needed." She shoved it at me without looking me in the face and walked out. The secretary told me she was rude when she asked me for and she had snapped at her because she couldn't understand what she was saying. I called my attny right away.
So, he never texted me at all after court. I received a texas at 8:56am: "Hey where are you? You're not at the apt???!? I'm here to pick up 'J'" (Well my car broke down 3 times after he left, so I traded it in for something else. He didn't know I had done that, so he texted me because he didn't see the old car). I looked out the window and I see him and his parents sitting in the car. Part of our agreement was that he would pick up her up alone. I texted him back. "As part of our agreement, you should pick her up alone and we are supposed to meet somewhere, so where would you like to meet?" He texted back, "My attny said not to come alone and that I should have someone with me at all times." I replied, "that's not what I agreed up and I don't want conflict. I want it to be civil, so I'm not comfortable with 3 people and i'm there alone." My poor daughter was also going to get bombarded when she just wanted to see him. They left. an hour later I texted him, "If you are still wanting to pick her up, I'll let you if you come alone." We met at a store and at first refused to meet me outside. He wanted it to be inside the store in front of people. I don't know what the hell was wrong with him. He was a bit shocked to see my car btw. Anyway he got her and he threatened that he was keeping her a few hours later because I made him wait one hour. I said "okay, then i'll just have it said that you broke our agreement twice." I told him, "Look, I don't want conflict, I just want to be able to be civil and make it as normal as possible for J, and most importantly I just want to make sure she is safe." He said she will be. I went to look in the car and no carseat. He had a booster for her, but she is super skinny for her age and size and I wasn't comfortable. I told him that we never agreed to raise her that way and that shouldn't change because we aren't together now. I convinced him to use the careseat I had in my car. That night I talked him into returning her at the right time.
From her first visit, she told me that she burned her arm (no visible mark) because his mom wanted her to her cook on the stove. She is 4 years old, and I recorded her saying that, just in case. I told her she was not allowed to do it and to tell her that her mommy said no. The second visit, I found a tick on her and I removed it quickly and found one on me after carrying her :-/
Right now he has not paid the apartment. The money his mom left me was for December child support and it was $85 short. He still owes a few days in October and November. I found out yesterday that his attny is trying her hardest to get him out of paying anything at the apartment. She's an idiot because his name is on the contract I am having my attny send her today. We will begin the divorce process next month, and I will definitely be bringing everything up to the judge. I'm not done fighting for the mess he has left.
FYI: Just to make it Clear...I am completely over him. I wouldn't take him back even if he begged. Just wanted to throw it out there since some ladies on here think that I am trying to "get back" at him because I want him back or something. I honestly love not having him around and also he has not called for her since he had her on Sunday. That is all. =-)