I'd be lying if I said I feel "love" for this baby...**EDIT**EDIT 2 i had my baby**
I feel absolutely awful that I have absolutely no joy in my heart for his arrival other then that I won't have to be kicked repeatedly and have my insides scraped and rolled on. I ask myself everyday what the hell was I thinking. At first I thought it was because I was grieving from not only a miscarriage but the death of a friend but now I'm worried it goes deeper then that. When I think about having him I just want to sob.
I never experienced anything like this before and it has me a little concerned. I find myself being snappy and short with my two year old because of this thing growing inside of me that feels like it is literally sucking the life right from my soul. I feel very ashamed of being so angry at something I wanted so bad.
My husband sits and talks about how he is SO excited for him to get here and sits and daydreams how our two year old is going to react and yadda yadda and I have flat out told him that the feeling isn't mutual and that I sometimes wish we would've never gotten pregnant with him. I mean sometimes I get a little excited but for the most part I am almost emotionally unresponsive to him.
When he kicks or moves I find myself getting annoyed and have to remind myself to be grateful for being able to carry life and that its better to feel him moving rather than not. I don't know if it's the time of year or the increase in stretch marks or what that is making me feel like this but it has me scared that I'm going to develop post partum depression or something.
Thank you for all of the thoughtful comments,words of encouragement and advice. I have my 38 week OB tomorrow and feel more at ease bringing this situation to light with him.
Also to those of you worried that I might hurt the baby or neglect him let me reassure you by telling you that my mom is coming up to help me get the hang of handling the demands of my toddler and new baby and will be here for at LEAST two weeks so I will never be alone with the baby.
**EDIT 2 I HAD MY BABY**
I had my baby on Thursday at 11:41 and everything so far is fine except for the fact that my two year old doesn't seem very interested in me which bums me out :( However he is in love with his baby brother. But baby is healthy and the birth was scary and totally different then my first. He's a perfect little peanut :)