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Can you Gentle Parent a "strong willed" child??

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Okay, I'm just going to be blunt.

My 2yo DD is a terror. We are having her evaluated for Sensory/developmental/behavioral disorders as well as Autism (PDD-NOS is our worst case scenario). She isn't always awful, but she is at least difficult most of the time. I walk on eggshells for sure.

I have tried the gentle parenting approach with her. She used to be a wonderful little angel, up until she turned 2. I'm patient with her and use a gentle tone. I don't spank and only use time out for when she does something really bad. But I'm sooo beyond sick of this and I'm at my wits end. She is mean to her big sister... hits and yells at her. So many times I tell my oldest to just give my 2yo whatever just to avoid a 30 minute meltdown.

Being gentle (talking to her gently or sturn-but-not-loud), explaining etc.... it just isn't working. Her behavior is getting worse and worse. Her evaluation isn't until January. I may go insane before then.

Is 2.5 too young for a pop on the butt? She understands what time out is, and knows that if she does certain things she will go, but it doesn't stop her from doing it!! A big one is spilling things on purpose... throwing bowls of food, spilling an entire bottled water into the floor etc. She knows she'll go to time out, but still does it.

Can you gentle parent a terror?

by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 12:56 AM
Replies (251-257):
ericahager2005
by Silver Member on Nov. 25, 2012 at 8:15 PM
Just wanted to clarify something. Getting a diagnosis for a child is a good thing, because then you can treat whether its with meds or without. I won't use stimulant meds either to treat dd. We did try with ds and it was a disaster for him...made autism symptoms 10x worse. We were forced pretty much into it by insurance/medicaid and schools......they can't force or advise a parent to medicate but they sneakily would make up excuses to send him home whenever the ese teacher was out sick para who couldn't handle him would lie about him being sick or getting into trouble. She would tell me nurse signed him out that I didn't have to. I complained after dr trips every time gets sent home would bring in note and come to find out no one knew I was being called to get him. No record other then excuse notes. I fought to get him transferred to a better class at a differnt school and off meds and that para was fired.

With dd I don't care how much its advised she will not be put on adhd med. Their neurologist is great she tries natural vitamin approaches, dietary, and therapies b4 meds. Unlike many neuros. She does eeg or other tests first to see what is going on b4 changing meds. Ruled out thyroid issues, gluten, etc.

A diagnosis is a word. You then can learn about the disease and how it affects your child.


Quoting amandae21:

For the record, I do NOT want a pill. My oldest has ADHD and is not medicated.

I'm not going to continue arguing with you. That's not why I posted this thread. You could've just as easily said something constructive without it coming off bitchy. And don't assume I don't parent just because I'm having trouble with my child.

Done with the drama now.


Quoting luvem630:

Thank god there is someone with some damn sense on this site! It sounds like you have done an amazing job with your daughter.





Quoting lnrmom:

I'm with you. My daughter is 15 years old. She has OCD, ADHD, Asperger's, and she's bipolar. We didn't go through formal testing until she was a teenager. She is well behaved and unmedicated. Why? Because I PARENT HER. I controlled her outbursts. I removed her from situations when she threw tantrums and I didn't give in. I was consistent.



We can't give advice to these women because they think that they just need a diagnosis and a pill. But they don't. They need a plan. If your child cuts up, remove the thing they are cutting up about. If they cut up in the store, leave the store. If they are cutting up in the house, put them in their room until they can act right. Remove all toys and stimulation from their room. They are typically over stimulated when they are acting up. So remove the stimulation. And most importently.... DO NOT GIVE IN!



When my daughter was little what was in her room was her bed, dresser, and some books. Maybe a couple barbie dolls. Toys were in the living room. If she threw a tantrum, she went to her room until she could behave properly.



Now that she's a teenager all I have to say is "try again" and she rewords. We have had meltdowns between us, but it doesn't take but a moment for those to iron out. Consistency is the key.



Quoting luvem630:

I did not make a negative comment. Its your own fault that you took it that way. My son is well behaved because we parent. He is not parented any differently than our other kids so no it doesnt have anything to do with his "diagnosis". Most of the time an add diagnosis is bullshit anyway. You want a bitchy negative comment? Ok. Your bratty kid is out of control because of your shitty ass "gentle parenting". Pull your head out of your stupid ass and try somr structure and disipline!



Quoting amandae21:



If your child has special needs and behaves well because of your parenting, is it not because you understand what is wrong with him, how is special needs work, and how to parent around him? And if so, did this not come from a diagnosis.



I asked for help. There's always gotta be that one bitch with a negative comment...



There are way more issues going on than just her behavior that lead me to believe she has something going on out of the norm.




Quoting luvem630:

You people are ridiculous. I was not snippy at all. I never claimed to be perfect. My advise is disipline your child.







Quoting Anonymous:

Why don't you help her then? Since you have been successful, you would be the perfect one to give advice and answer her questions. Instead, you tell her to parent without telling her what that entails. Obviously she is struggling in that area and has no idea what to so or else she would not have made this post. So why not give her ideas on HOW to parent instead of being snippy?







Quoting luvem630:

I have an 8 year old with add and ptsd. We do not medicate in anyway. We use behavioral techniques and he is wonderful, polite, well manered and a good student. This is because of our parenting not because of a diagnosis. Everybody is looking for something to be wrong with their kid so they have an excuse. I also was the assigned one on one care provider for an autistic child from age 2 to 4 and his mom was delighted with my care. Some kids do need special care but most kids that act this way are just spoiled little brats.











Quoting Marti123:

You are so blessed to not have an inkling of what a special needs child is.









Your comment is rude and hurtful to those of us that struggle everyday in tears feeling like we are failing our children.













Quoting luvem630:

Stop trying to get a diagnosis and start actual parenting.


















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celticgodess
by Bronze Member on Dec. 16, 2012 at 1:40 PM
2 moms liked this

Giving her what she wants to avoid a tantrum is I'm sure a big part of the problem, IMHO

SuDoNim
by Silver Member on Dec. 17, 2012 at 9:22 AM

OP: How is the evaluation process going? My oldest is very strong-willed, and also on the autism spectrum, so I totally know where you are coming from. I tried the whole gentle discipline thing for years, but some kids need much firmer discipline. About a year ago, I gave in and read Dobson's Parenting the Strong-Willed Child, which was a turning point for me; although Dobson has been demonized by AP-types, his book helped me find the confidence and permission to be just as strong-willed as my son is.  All of those gentle discipline tactics work fine with my younger two kids, but the fact is, some kids can be little crapburgers and will relentlessly go toe-to-toe with you... which is even harder if you are an easy-going person by nature.

LovingSAHMommy
by on Dec. 17, 2012 at 9:25 AM

I disagree. I've had a normal two year old and he didn't act like that. Some of it, sure, but hitting is especially not acceptable.

Quoting Anonymous:

Honestly she sounds like a normal 2 year old


SuDoNim
by Silver Member on Dec. 17, 2012 at 12:44 PM

I don't think anyone was suggesting that the behavior is "acceptable" for a 2-year-old, but it certainly isn't unusual. Some kids are much more...spirited from the get-go. 

Quoting LovingSAHMommy:

I disagree. I've had a normal two year old and he didn't act like that. Some of it, sure, but hitting is especially not acceptable.

Quoting Anonymous:

Honestly she sounds like a normal 2 year old



ericahager2005
by Silver Member on Dec. 17, 2012 at 9:59 PM
Very very true..........what has helped us is keeping journal of outbursts and what was going on right before outburst/meltdown and figure out the "trigger" (flickery lights, certain clothing, noises, crowds, etc) sort of informal behavioral analysis.........a lot of kids on the spectrum have sensory issues that cause them to act out.....temple grandin makes an excellent comparison for some kids flickery lights are like a flashing disco ball right in your face..........all that being said ALL kids need rules and specic structures.....consequences esp those on the spectrun as many are very ocd and rule oriented as well.


Quoting celticgodess:

Giving her what she wants to avoid a tantrum is I'm sure a big part of the problem, IMHO


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amandae21
by Silver Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 6:51 PM

It's been a slow process but she's been evaluated and thus far they've determined that she has sensory processing issues as we expected. I've read a lot about it and have been trying different things as suggested by the people we have seen. She starts OT after Christmas. Things are getting better. Not as many meltdowns. Thanks for asking!

Quoting SuDoNim:

OP: How is the evaluation process going? My oldest is very strong-willed, and also on the autism spectrum, so I totally know where you are coming from. I tried the whole gentle discipline thing for years, but some kids need much firmer discipline. About a year ago, I gave in and read Dobson's Parenting the Strong-Willed Child, which was a turning point for me; although Dobson has been demonized by AP-types, his book helped me find the confidence and permission to be just as strong-willed as my son is.  All of those gentle discipline tactics work fine with my younger two kids, but the fact is, some kids can be little crapburgers and will relentlessly go toe-to-toe with you... which is even harder if you are an easy-going person by nature.


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