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We can't bring it up. If I talk about it he is leaving me.... Third update added

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
Ok so Monday a little before noon I got an email from AT&T. It was the second time I received this same email! So I took a little more notice. It said that there was an unusually high volume of texts coming from one of our four lines. They wanted to make sure my line had not been crossed with another. So I start looking online at the bill. BIG FUCK UP ON MY PART! Turns out it was the hubby's phone. Now mind you on Monday while I was looking at the bill I didn't suspect anything! We just had a baby 2 weeks ago and he had been home with me for over 2 weeks. He wasn't acting any stranger than usual or anything.

So looking at the bill I do see ALOT of texts between him and one number in particular. However I thought it was a friend of ours. A male friend. Him and his wife have been in our lives for over a year now. So I ignored THAT number and kept going. Writing down every number I didn't recognize so I could ask him about them. Well after noticing a pattern of Monday-Friday 7am-11am and 12pm-4pm and nights after about 9 I started getting confused.

So I put the number into my phone. ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE! Her name came up. Not her husbands.

A little history here: Hubby and him worked together. in July he moved in with us for a month because they were having problems. It only lasted a month because he started missing her and wanting to see his daughter more and so on and so on. I encouraged him to give it another try with her. Well he did and it worked out for the better. GREAT! Well then he switched jobs. So he wasn't coming over nearly as much. She never really came over. The only time I would see him was on lunch and when he was waiting for her to get off of work. Well about 6 weeks ago I was put in the hospital. I was 33 weeks pregnant and my preeclampsia got really bad. I was transferred to another hospital 2 hours away because they thought we would have to deliver early. Well out of the blue she starts texting me. And I was weirded out by it because we had never really talked and I don't get along with females that great. A have bad experiences. Well I said something to hubbs about it and he was like oh just give her a chance. Maybe she is worried about you. Blah blah blah. So I talked to her occasionally. Well then I had ds2 on the first. While I was in the hospital my other 2 kiddos were sick and no one was wanting to deal with them. At least that's the story I got so he had to come home with the kids while I was in the hospital after having a very difficult labor that resulted in having an emergency c section. Baby's heart rate dropped really low my blood pressure dropped had to have blood transfusions just all kinds of crap. Now he was there for all of that but left about an hour after I had the baby.

Now back to Monday: I was instantly losing my mind. So I called him. MISTAKE #3. First I calmly asked if he was talking to her. He asked who told me that! WTF REALLY! So I blew up! And he told me that they had been fighting and she ha been asking for advice and shit! BULLSHIT! So I asked if her husband knew. And he says of course he knows I wouldn't go behind my friends back blah blah blah. Ok yeah BUH-BYE! And I called her. No mistake here. And I asked her why the fuck she was talking to MY husband. And I get the same answer. Oh they are having problems and she thought hubbs could talk to him and yeah. So i ask her. Does your husband know. Yeah he knows. Why wouldn't he know! Ok BUH-BYE! I instantly calle him!! Wanted to make sure they didn't have time to call him. He answered not knowing who I was. After I told him he was like hang on she is calling I said no dot answer I have something to ask you before she has time to lie to you. Caught his attention!! I asked if he knew they were talking. No. Are you sure? Well was it just a text or 2? So I told him about the email, took a picture of the computer screen so he could see. So on and so on. So we get off the phone and hubbs calls me back and asks if I called her husband. YEAH! DUH! And he goes off why did you tell him he's gonna kick my ass why would you do that I can't believe this. And then he says he has to go. That's it. Well I start looking more into the phone bills.

MISTAKE #4: So I am looking at the phone bill from oct 8th to Nov 7th. They talked NONSTOP! And 1 night in particular. The first. The night I was alone in the hospital. Well I asked his sister about not wanting to watch my kids. She said well I didn't say I wouldn't watch them I just told my brother they were fussing and I wanted to know what kind if meds to give them. And he came and got them. Well there was 16 picture messages and about 300 texts between them from the time he left the hospital and about 3 in the morning.

I think that's the part that hurts the most.

Continuing on through the bills. The beginning of oct he was on a job (oilfield worker) an he supposedly didn't have any service. Lets just say we didn't talk much for those 5 days. He talked to her nonstop.

And moving on further. They have been talking since her husband moved out!! And I fended for the dirty bitch! Ugh!

Ok well let me say I love my husband. I have a new baby and 2 toddlers. I am a stay at home mom. And have severe depression. There is no way in hell I can do it alone. Plain and simple. And I don't want to do it alone. We have been together for 5 years. I don't want that to just go down the drain. I don't want to lose something I love. I love my life. All of it. My husband. My kids. My shitty house. My car that will crap out soon. The fact that we aren't rich but we have everything we need. Maybe not all we want. But certainly everything we need. It's amazing that with him, I haven't had to take meds for my depression. I mean there are days where I get frustrated and a little bit distracted but I haven't had to take meds! It's an awesome feeling.

So I am instantly drawn into that familiar depression. And I don't want anyone to know because I have worked hard on the image we portray. The couple that never fights. Now don't get me wrong it's not often but I hate when couples let everyone know all of their business ya know. So anyways. I text him and told him I wanted to work things out. That I don't want this to be the end. That if he was ok we would get through it.

So he gets off and I messed up again. MISTAKE #5. I said I wanted to work it out but I couldn't help myself. I started asking questions. And I mean I really want to know but I guess I should t have gone off about it like I did. And I guess it kinda hit him he was crying and stuff. I don't know. I don't know if I care. It's like you hurt me and here I am still worried that I am hurting you. But he wouldn't answer any of my questions. Except when I asked him if they had sex. He said no. And I asked if he loved her. He said no. He wouldn't answer me when I asked if he cared about her. Or is he going to miss not talking to her. He just kept saying I don't know. I don't know. I hate that!

I will tell the rest in a few I need to be a mom for a little bit!!

First added extra comments page 1

Second add comments page 5
Third add comments page 7
Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 14, 2012 at 3:42 PM
Replies (61-70):
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 4:54 PM

OP this sounds like something my DH and I went through last year. You can PM me if you want and I won't say anything about who you are since you made this post as anon. 

by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 4:57 PM

 I am sorry you are going through this.  I went through this with my husband, and I left him.  I wish you the best and I hope you will be ok.  I am always willing to talk if you need to.  I also recommend that if you want to stay to find out the truth, and to also seek counsleing or what not so you all can find a way to be happy together again.

Quoting LuLuThatsWho:

When you betray your spouse and seek forgiveness, you don't get to make the rules any longer.  Why are you the one needing to adhere to his stipulations?  Is this a joke?  He needs to man up, or you need to leave.  I'm sorry, but things will NEVER get better if you don't have closure.  You can't forgive him.  You don't even know what you are forgiving.  You need to know what happened so that you can make an educated decision.  You need to know:

1. Was there any physical contact?

2. Does he have feelings for her?

3. Did he ever tell her he loves her?

4. What were the photos exchanged?

There are probably more, but these are the ones that come to mind.  You can't make a decision to forgive someone when you don't know what they have done!

Quoting Anonymous:

Well he walks into the kids room behind me and told me that he loves me. He said I know I have hurt you. It hurts me to know. He said there where times when he realized it needed to be stopped he just didn't know how to say it. And I know he is a people pleaser and there are times where I have had to step up and be the man because he can't bring him self to piss people off. Regardless it's no excuse. He told me he didn't want things to be over between us. That since the middle or so of my pregnancy he has just been unhappy. The middle of my pregnancy is when the preeclampsia started and we hadn't really had a sexual life since then. That was back in the beggining of June. And I understand that. I had felt him a little disconnected. Getting frustrated quickly. Just little stuff. But I figured it would pass as soon as we had the baby and our life got back to normal.

I love my husband.

He says he does want to work things through. But I am overwhelming him with the questions. And he doesn't know what to say. So he says that we can talk. But he doesn't want to talk about her. Anything about her. If I keep bringing it up he isn't gonna be able to handle the stress. And it's a mistake he wishes he could take back.

I think about it for a second. Can I handle these stipulations? Do I want to be with him? Do I think it is gonna happen again? So I told him that I was ok with it BUT he had to earn my trust back. I told him I was going to keep checking the phone bills. I was gonna check his Facebook, I want him to be ok with that. And he said ok. He said he is positive I won't find anything ever again so I could check all I want as long as I didn't tell him when I was doing it or anything about it!

So yeah I am ok with that. I get to keep my husband, I am still going to check the bills, I will check his phone for Facebook and other things and I won't bring it up.

I'll add more soon.



by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 4:58 PM


by Anonymous 15 on Nov. 14, 2012 at 4:58 PM
1 mom liked this
Quoting Litlmama87:

You had a baby, HIS baby, and before you could finish counting fingers and toes, he was out the door, focusing on this other woman.

That's what sticks out to me the most in all of this. My stomach dropped.


My husband andI have worked through an affair and come out better for it. But if this had happened, I wouldn't have even tried. I'm not sure anything could disrespect you and your children more than this particular part.
by Anonymous 16 on Nov. 14, 2012 at 5:02 PM

first off, nothing you did is considered a mistake.  you were confronting a huge issue, so, don't think anything you did was in error.

As soon as he said there were issues a number of months ago is when he started cheating on you.  I also think that in order for you to move on, you will need questions answered and that is exactly the way you need to put it to him.

If you want to save your marriage, you both need to work on it.  I would suggest a marriage counselor.

by Anonymous 17 on Nov. 14, 2012 at 5:07 PM
1 mom liked this

I was on bed and pelvic rest for 24 weeks when I was pregnant and my husband was a manager at a casino bar where the waitresses uniforms where booty shorts and a sleeveless low cut leather top.  If he manged to keep it in his pants your husband could have too.  I am sorry looking at it as acceptable because you where not able to have sex with him is wrong.  Don't give him excuses and do not let him bully you into not asking questions.  You can not move on to a healthy marriage after this if you can not find out what happened.  He is not going to stop doing this with other women if he does not have to admit what he did wrong.

by Platinum Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 5:07 PM
3 moms liked this
You're letting your fear of being alone make you very very naive. You believe him because you want to, because facing the alternative scares you. But every one of us on the outside is telling you he is lying. A man doesn't invest that much time in a woman, he doesn't leave his wife who has just been through hell and his brand new baby, he doesn't lie and say he has no service when he's really just busy talking to another woman unless there's something big going on there. The only mistakes you're making are believing him and letting him get away with lying, cheating and demanding those ridiculous stipulations. Of course he doesn't want to talk to his wife about his mistress! What man would? I hope her husband does kick his ass and then kicks that chick to the curb.
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by Ruby Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 5:08 PM
2 moms liked this
No sympathy from me. You want to put up with his shit, then that's on you. If you want people so sympathize, make him understand that shit is wrong, but you begging him to stay with you after that shit just disgusts me. Grow a spine. Leave him.
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by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 14, 2012 at 5:09 PM
1 mom liked this
So Monday night: we drop it. He had this thing he had to do but he asked if I wanted to go. He said he would find a babysitter and we could just have a couple of hours to be us without the kids. Ok! So his sister watches all 3 of the kids and we had 4 hours to ourselves. An honestly the whole time was awesome. We had dinner and then did his thing. And then on the way home. It got quiet. An the horrible 'depression thought' kicked in. Just thinking and over thinking and rethinking. And I started to stare off into space and a few tears rolled down the side if my face. And he asks what's wrong. Snaps me back to reality but then I just want to slap him. Are you serious. What's wrong? Are you stupid? Wtf do you think is wrong with me?

So of course I said 'Nothing! Why?' And he just said ok.

Well yesterday I had my 2 week check up to check on my incision and to make sure I was doing ok. My OB instantly knew and asked which pills I wanted a prescription for. And I said is it really that noticeable. And she flat out told me she has known me since I was pregnant with my first child. And in the past nine months we have seen alot of each other. She said it might not be so easy for everyone else to see, but I can see it and I know you have a history.

Well right after the dr hubbs is ready to be picked up for lunch. So I go for him. We go pick up my older to and then head to the pharmacy. No meds. They don't have any until tomorrow. Ugh really.

Well between Monday night and last night I guess I had went off to dream land and started crying several times because I kept getting startled by him asking what's wrong.

And as long as we are doing something, or talking, or I am paying attention to something else I am ok. It's when I start to think.

So laying in bed last night I felt myself start to think so I started talking to him. I simply told him that when he saw me start to do it just hold my hand or give me a hug. Something to kinda jolt my mind but not to ask me what's wrong because he knows what's wrong with me! He said ok.

Well we had sex. And we took a shower together. And we had sex again. And it was awesome. The fact that I had a sex drive. I wasn't just having sex to please him. It was FOR ME! Being touched, feeling him against me, it was just surreal to say the least. And we feel asleep cuddling. I haven't been able to cuddle since I got pregnant. I was always tossing and turning and uncomfortable and then right after having the baby the incision was hurting. But it was amazing. It didn't hurt which was to my surprise.

I didn't have any bad dreams cuddling with him and when I woke up to feed the baby at 2 the bad thoughts didn't come.

Well I kinda woke up in the mood again at 5:30 so I scooted closer into him and started rubbing in him and we went at it again. And he went to take a shower and that was that.

And the thoughts didn't come. Until he left for work. And I'm depressed again.

So this is to help me kinda talk through my feelings without anyone in my life knowing what's going on. I feel a little bit better. I might read through some of the comments later. But I am sure 90% of them will be telling me to leave his sorry ass. And ya know before this happened to me I would have said the same thing. But it's his first mess up and yeah it was a big one being that we JUST had a baby. But I love my husband and I am willing to forgive him. I have faith that he loves me to and that he is truly sorry. And I really don't want my kids growing up living in 2 houses. Having 2 rooms because mom didn't give their dad another shot. I can't say what will happen if there is a next time. And I won't know until it comes to that. I pray that it never will but I will do everything in my power to make sure I take care of our marriage as best as I can. And I will be taking my meds to keep the thoughts from coming back.
by Platinum Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 5:15 PM
Sounds like he's banging her
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