Prior to getting pregnant her mom pretty much let her do what she wanted. She had no rules and was allowed to smoke, drink, do drugs and have sleepovers with random guys. All of that changed when she moved in with us.
We set boundaries. We helped her set goals and make plans to reach those goals. We talked to her about sex and birth control. We told her that last year she had to make a very adult decision because she put herself in a very adult position by having sex. We told her that birth control was one way to avoid that mistake again, but the best way was to not have sex until she was ready. We talked to her about what the consequences would be if it happened again.
The adoption agency that was used provided counseling for her through out the year.
One of the biggest things Sd had to do was earn back out trust. She had to prove to us she was on the right path before she could have her freedom.
Slowly but surely she has. She now has her own car, a small part time job, she goes to SAT prep classes and sees a tutor(she got a little behind from transferring and wing out having a baby). SDs grades have been great and we thought all was well. She has even made some new friends. The great thing about her transferring was that coming to the new school no one new she was pregnant and chose adoption. Only her handful of friends that she chose to tell knows. So it's not like she had to go back to school and get harassed by bullies.
Well today I was missing my travel coffee cup. SD sometimes uses it to get cheap coffee at the gas station on her way to school. I knew she used it one day this week and maybe she forgot to return it.
So I went in her room. Laying out on her desk was a composition notebook. On the inside cover was a chart tracking her menstral cycle. It didn't seem as regular as I thought it should be considering she is in the pill. I also noted little hearts on some days. However, what sent me digging deeper was the fact that she was suppose to start her period Monday and there was no marker on the chart that she had. I didn't think much of it at first because to my knowledge she was not having sex. I tried to figure out if I have seen any signs that she started, but SD has always been really good about not advertising her periods. I've not once found bloody underwear or pads lying around.
I dig a little deeper and read some of the entries to find out she has been having sex with her 23 year old tutor! I also found out that she stopped going to counseling and stopped taking her birth control pills because she wants to have a baby!
Idk what to do. Should I wait and see of he comes clean?
I am in just shock and awe.
Update: okay I talked to my DH just briefly because he is at work. I told him to come straight home after work because we have a situation. I also sent SD a text telling her to come straight home after work as well.
To answer some questions. SD is 17 but will be 18 soon. Idk if se is actually pregnant but I do know that we will be having a come to Jesus meeting when she gets home.
Also we will remind her that our stance has not changed... She will not be bringing a baby into this house. If she really wants to have a baby she will be raising it somewhere else.
DH and I are still raising our own kids we will not be raising grand kids
2nd update: DH has now digested it all. He is heart broken. We really thought we had her on the right track. We thought she wanted to go to college. To succeed in life...
He is currently on the phone with BM. Everyone is still in agreement that SD will not be raising a baby under our roof. If she wants to be an adult then we are going to let her spread her wings.
She has built up a savings account from working at her part-time job. It was suppose to be for her to use when she goes off to college next year. She has enough for a deposit on an apartment, utilities and a couple of months rent. If she is in fact pregnant, she will stay with us until she turns 18 and can sign her own lease. Her car is paid for and was a gift, so we will not take that away from her. However once she is 18 she will need to get her own insurance policy.
We are not sure what to do about the tutor just yet. For all we know he's innocent on this... Well except for sleeping with SD. I think we are going to try talking to him. If she is in fact pregnant the last thing she will need is her baby daddy in jail. Besides since she is so close to 18 and been pregnant before I don't think any charges would stick. Not to mention legal consent in our state is 16.
If she is not pregnant then all freedom will be gone and she will have to go on some more permanent birth control in order to stay living under our roof. Obviously she will also go back in counseling.
DH and BM will confront her when she gets home. BM plans on coming over before then.
3rd update: SD got home and knew she was in trouble when she pulled in the drive way and saw her moms car. When she came in she found all of us sitting around the table with her notebook in the middle. It wasn't specifically said who found the notebook although I'm sure she knows it was me and probably hates me. We asked her what was going on. We asked her why she was doing this and tried to get her to open up. All of her responses were typical teen ones "I don't know.." "Becuase..." "You guys just don't get me."
We asked about the tutor. She claims she loves him and that he loves her. She says that they have talked marriage and future. He is a college student and also graduates in May. She thinks he will stick by her.
Then finally we asked if she took a test already she said she took one this morning and pulled it out of her purse and it was positive.
We asked her what she was planning on doing. She said she wants to move in with this guy. She wants to finish high school (hooray!) but then stay at home while he works. He will be getting a better job (something other than tutoring) when he graduates college in May.
We asked her what her plans were if things didn't work out with him and she insist that they will....
My DH of course wants to talk to this boy...
He doesn't know what to think.
4th update: my SD came to me in the middle of the night. She said admitted that the boy didn't know she was trying to get pregnant, but he would still stand by her and he loved her. She begged me to convince her father not to tell him that she got pregnant on purpose.... I don't see my DH doing that. He feels the boy deserves to know.
Final Update: My DH talked to the boy at first. He did tell him that not only is SD pregnant but he did so on purpose. The guy admitted that they were in a relationship and it wasn't just sex. But now he feel betrayed and hurt. He feels like as lied and used him. He doesn't know if he wants to continue the relationship but he understands that he has an obligation to his child. He said regardless he would take that obligation seriously starting with pregnancy. He will pay for half of any of the medical care SD needs.
We let SD have time alone with the boy to try and explain her end. He was very mature and listened to everything she had to say but in the end he said he just needed space. He said he would call her when he's ready to talk. He also asked to let him know when the first doctors appointment would be.
We talke to SD afterwards about why he plans were now. "I hate you" and "you ruined eveything was used a lot."
However DH told her that the boy needed to know the truth. He also told SD that she needed a new plan since it didn't look like her intial plan (moving in with this guy) was going to work out.
She said she wants to go apartment looking today. She said that she was definitely keeping her baby and that she didn't need our approval or help. We told her she didn't have to make any decisions today. She could take her time finding a place. She insisted that she didn't need the 3 months to find a place that she would find somewhere before December 1st.
Now it seems like she is just on a mission to prove us wrong. She thinks she can do it on her own... Well I hope it works out for her.
My DH is so heart broken. He has taken the day off work. He looks a mess and I swear this whole ordeal has aged him 20 years.