let the jerk just cio

[Anonymous]

We did a modified version before when he was a baby... Now he's five and we're doing it again.

I'm not sure what's going on with him but the tantrums are getting out of hand. He's been spending more time at his his bm's house (he's my step son) and everytime he goes over he comes back worse and worse.
We have rules that both he and our 3 year old have to follow. But lately he's been completely disregarding our rules. Which of course makes our three year old think he can also. We've tried time outs. Rewards. Taking things away. Grounding. And no matter what he's just.... Horrible.

Tonight he ran and knocked our 3 year old over after asking him twice not to run inside. So we had him brush his teeth and put him to bed (only 30 mins early). For 45 mins hes been sitting in his room SCREAMING about how he hates his dad, me, our house, our other son, everything. And how he wants to go back to his moms house where she "let's him do whatever he wants." And how he never wants to come back here ever again. Everytimr we go in there to talk to him he screams louder or throws things.... So we've just been letting him CIO alone in his room.

Honestly, at this point we've considered letting him go to her house just for tonight but she doesn't want him (we asked her but she's partying she said).... Which is why he lives with usmost of the time.

Anyways, please offer me advice... Anything. I love him but I can't deal with this especially since its having an effect on our other son. And sadly its making me reconsider TTC right now :/

[Anonymous]

if she is doing more harm then good then you need to be his parent and protect him.

Quoting Anonymous:

We've tried. She's in and out of his life. But my so doesn't want to take het completely of his life even though we have full custody.

Quoting maureen813:

There is meaning behind the behavior, he is confused because he has no structure, routine or rules in one home and a decent amount in your home. Any chance that all the adults can meet and discuss his needs and behaviors and need for consistency.

[teri4lance]

Quoting Anonymous:

We've tried. She's in and out of his life. But my so doesn't want to take het completely of his life even though we have full custody.

Quoting maureen813:

There is meaning behind the behavior, he is confused because he has no structure, routine or rules in one home and a decent amount in your home. Any chance that all the adults can meet and discuss his needs and behaviors and need for consistency.

he needs to reconsider. her influence is obviously sdestructive to him. why would he want that? 

give her supervised visits at your house if she wnats to see him. she's fucking him up. 

[maureen813]

I am sad but not surprised that so many want to spank this confused and mixed up little boy who is caught between two very different households. Why not try to understand what he is telling you through his behavior.

[Honor_Leilani]

Put soap in his mouth everytime he starts a fit. Warn him once and only once. When he doesn't listen, start taking shit away and making him earn it back with good behavior. Whether he wants to be there or not is an moot point, he has no choice. That is they way things are. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. When he is in your house he follows your rules. YOU are the boss. He is not and the faster he realizes that the better off all of you will be. Whether his mom let's him do whatever is not valid. Again, your house, your rules, you are the boss.

[Anonymous - Original Poster]

We do stick to our guns. Always. we learned the hard way what giving in does when he was younger. He just doeant seem to care about.consequences. this week alone half his toys were thrown out (we make him do it) or confiscated. He's been grounded from all tv for three days. And has gotten a few butt smacks and a ton of time outs. Then today we get a call from his teacher that he shoved a kid on the playground and he fell down the hill!!! All hell broke loose in our house after I picked him up. He still swears the kid and teacher are lying. Even after being forced to write an apology to the kid, got a large portion of toys taken away, got a butt smack, wasn't allowed to go outside with his brother, no dessert after dinner, and going to bed early (although that was for running).
It's like he doesn't give a shit if he gets in trouble.

Quoting Honor_Leilani:

Put soap in his mouth everytime he starts a fit. Warn him once and only once. When he doesn't listen, start taking shit away and making him earn it back with good behavior. Whether he wants to be there or not is an moot point, he has no choice. That is they way things are. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. When he is in your house he follows your rules. YOU are the boss. He is not and the faster he realizes that the better off all of you will be. Whether his mom let's him do whatever is not valid. Again, your house, your rules, you are the boss.

[Anonymous]

Damn right!

Quoting teri4lance:

he'd have earned a spanking by now.

[Anonymous]

You lost me at "let the jerk just cio"

[cLanief]

tough titties... Deal with it. Its the joys of sharing a kid with different households and rules and what not. Never give him what he wants no matter how much you cant stand the melt down.

My x sees our kids once A year for a week.... After that week it takes a week to get our son back into normalcy of our house and rules. I couldn't imagine the bullshit. Of having to do it more often.

[Anonymous]

Yep. Jerk was inappropriate. I understand the situation is frustrating, but he's a kid.
My advice? Be firm with him, and if you've already tried talking nicely and asking him what his issue is, close the door and let him cry. He's doing it for attention. Every time you open that door you're giving him ammo to keep crying. He's upset and tired. He'll end up crying himself to sleep and you can talk to him about it in the morning.

Quoting Anonymous:

You lost me at "let the jerk just cio"

[pampire]

It sounds like you need to see what is going on at BM's house.  The fact that she won't cut short partying to take care of her child is a sign that she is NOT putting him first.  When he is calmed down ask him to tell you what a typical day at his BM's house is like.  Contrast it with how things are at your house and explain why there are differences.