A letter to M*****. (Long, need to get this out, all that I held in)
We've had quite some time these past few years.. for me its been a nightmare. I am not with you because I love you because I don't, no.. Im still with you because I'm too insecure to leave you, I feel too worthless for anyone to want me.. I feel like the piece of shit you tell me I am every day.
Remember the day we met? At the mall. I saw my friend Steven and you walking together and I said hi. Later as we were walking out of the bathroom and I saw you two sitting in the food court and sat down with you. I was 19. I'm 22, I'm timid, I have no friends, I'm pretty much anti-social, I sit home all day, keep to myself, walk with my head down.. that fun, out going, laid back girl you always say you want back.. yea well you ruined her. You ruined her every time you called her ugly and a slut, said everyone had ran through her because of rumors you heard. You ruined her when you said she was lying about being pregnant, that she was just fat. You ruined her when you said no one would want her because she was used and damaged material because she was raped at 12.
Remember how you always said how you wanted me to get pregnant so we tried and tried? And I told you I was late and you were excited, already started talking about names.. then two days later when I took the test, you broke up with me and said get an abortion because it would die anyway? Yea, I remember that day. I remember all the horrible things you said, I remember all the times you were supposed to take me to my appointments and never showed. I remember you saying you hoped I'd bleed "it" out all over the floor while you and your new gf laugh.. I remember that.
But I also remember how when you came back saying how wrong you were and how sorry you were and to be with you again.. and I did, I ran back to you every time after that..
What do you remember? Do you remember me leaving the state twice to get away from you? Or what about when our son was born, and needed life support, and you told me you hoped he didn't make it..? Then telling me I need to move back to ny because I have your son and I owe it to you... So I did, I moved back to ny again for you.. Do you remember kicking me and our 8 month old son out at 4am in the middle if winter with no where to go because he was crying? And then telling me how no man would ever do that and how ashamed you are and that you just want one more chance to be with our son, and I let you...
Since you're out of the shower.. ill continue this later..