Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

RAPE is a horrendous crime committed by horrendous people who deserve to be in jail for life while tortured daily... HOWEVER

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
Stop using the fact that you were raped in your life as an excuse to why you have made poor decisions. I see it daily on cafemom when someone is questioned about poor choices, the first thing they say is "well, I was raped so..."

Tragedies happen to people daily, yet those tragedies do not DEFINE who you are. Anytime post discuss PA, or education, or anything else remotely controversal, there's also the select few who have to mention they were a victim to rape as if it excuses every poor decision that has been made since.

I know how it feels to be raped and violated, however I chose not to let it define who I am and chose to exceed in life. I chose not to hold future men accountable or the race of the man ruin my perspective of that race.

If you feel the need to validate your poor choices by the tragedies in life than I truly feel sorry for you. This world has so many more opportunities than your horrible past.
Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 20, 2012 at 12:55 PM
Replies (51-60):
by Platinum Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:31 PM

I agree to a point. But you also have to realize that rape effects people differently and although you were able to just pick up and move on, doesn't mean it's that simple for everyone. I was raped and molested repeatidly from the time that I was about 7 until right before my 13th birthday. The abuse alone was enough to completely change me but when the man who had abusing my sisters, my brother, my cousins, and I got caught molesting another little girl and we finally told our parents what happened to us our lives were flipped upside down. People spread rumors around my school that it was my father who was abusing us(it wasn't). I testifiedin the trial and he will spend the rest of his life in jail. But sitting in that chair in front of so many people and telling them what he did took a huge toll on me. I was just a kid. I didn't know how to deal with all of these feelings and everything that was going on. My first therapistwas horrible and I fooled her into believing I was fine. But at 15 years old after my girlfriend broke up withme for another girl I attempted to kill myself.  As heartbroken as I was over my girlfriend(she was my first love) breaking up with me, I know the real problem was much much deeper. That was just the straw that the broke the camels back and it probably would have happened eventually not matter what. She still feels guilty to this day about that but I knew then and I know now it wasn't her fault. I was given a different therapist. They put me on medicine to control the depression and the anxiety.

I still see a therapist and it's something I am constantly having to deal with. It won't ever go away. I would never judge a person who struggles to move on because I struggle to move on. I have done a good job of making something of myself. I have a wonderful  husband, amazing kids, and a wonderful home. I made good choices with my life. But I've also been on anti-depressants and anxiety medicine since I tried to kill myself when I was 15. I've tried to come off of them but I always find myself in a heap of depression and anxiety.  I'm sorry I can see where it would be easy to give in. Some people don't have the support system I do and I can see were it would be easier at times to lose myself in a bottle of vodka or in drugs to try to deal. I'm glad for some people it's as simple as just getting over it but one of things I've had to learn to accept is those  memories and those things done to me will never go away. For some people that abuse does effect every part of their life. It's not that it's an excuse, it's that some people just struggle more with putting one foot in front of the other and it leads to bad choices. Does it make their bad choices okay? Of course not but I think to just tell someone they need to suck it up and move on, is insensitive to what they've been through.  I say don't judge a person until you've walked a couple of miles in their shoes.

by Anonymous 15 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:32 PM
2 moms liked this

I have also been raped.  I have chosen not to make myself a victim but I have also made the decision to NOT be a self righteous BITCH either.  How someone deals with a tragedy is a completely personal thing.  The circumstances of rape are not always the same for everyone. Not everyone is as strong as the next person.  

Seriously, stop judging and offer support and understanding.

by Platinum Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:33 PM
1 mom liked this

I am very glad that you were able to do so well after your attack. However, not everyone is as lucky or strong as you. You do not know what they went through or where they are on the journey to healing. Its not as simple as you seem to want it to be. Some women never recover. These women deserve compassion and empathy instead of judgement. Don't rape survivors get enough judgement from everyone else without judging each other?

by Anonymous 16 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:33 PM read this and see how so many women were raped,molested devastating my.prayers are with all of u ladies for strength my sister and my brother were victims of molestation...I escaped the wrath of our sitters father..
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:33 PM
Once again another person taking their experience and their reaction to something and expecting everyone to be like them. Everyone is different. Some people weren't taught the coping skills to get through tragedies. Not everyone was raised the same, went through the same experiences in life, have the same chemicals in their brain. One person might cry at a movie while the other person might laugh. Why do people always think I did it so you can? It's highly annoying. I don't drink and I've never done drugs so this isn't me trying to justify my own actions. I'm just not a judgemental jerk. I don't live in a bubble where things are black and white.

Quoting Anonymous:

Some people have been through way too much to ever be able to come out of it.   Unfortunately, I don't buy this statement at all.   I went through a bad delivery and the baby was stillborn - had lots of issues, pictures I will never get out of my mind. Yes, I was broken for a long time, however I CHOSE not to drink or do drugs to lessen the pain.  It took 9 months of anger and crying, but I finally dealt with the death of my child.  However, I will see people who have miscarried and they will get a doctor's excuse so they don't have to work because they are 'disabled by depression'.  WHAT?!  That shit ticks me off!   I live in GA and have followed the girl who lost her hands, 1 leg and 1 foot to a flesh eating bacteria. That girl has suffered more than most of us, but you know what?  She is hopelessly optimistic. She is finishing school and learning to live a new life.   I am not discounting anyone's tragedy but I do think you have a responsibility as a human being to move on.  To take drugs, drink, make more bad choices is just not the answer.  That is what CM is here so we can kick you in the ass to get you on the right track.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by Mrs. Tennant on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:34 PM

 I was raped and I would never use it as a crutch.

by Anonymous 17 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:38 PM

you know what i think is sad?  when rape survivors judge other rape survivors.

by Anonymous 10 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:38 PM
Conference may not be the right word, I can't remember what they called it. Anyway, I worked in a military prison and we would have speakers come in. It was on rape, how it effects the victim, what they go through at the hospital, etc. It was very graphic.

Quoting fallenstars:

I just seen what you wrote and even tho I haven't been part of this conversation thus far I just wanted to say I'm sorry and also wanted to ask a question if its too much to answer just tell me ill understand but what's a mandatory rape conference?

Quoting Anonymous:

You do not understand what she is saying. I had counseling, medication, moved away. I did all I could. I was doing fine for years, then 15 years later I sit through a mandatory rape conference and it hits me hard all over again. Its been 5 years and I'm still trying to cope.

Quoting Anonymous:

If someone is having a difficult time because of a traumatic situation then they need to seek help. Not sit back and continue to make poor decisions. Doing so is only allowing that person to continue to be a victim for the rest of their life.

Doing nothing about a tragedy that has happened and not seeking help is choosing to remain a victim, therefore choosing to continue to make bad choices.

Quoting ShesALady:

Everyone handles things differently. Someone who was raped repeatedly by a family member might have more issues than someone who was walking down the street and was raped by a stranger. I'm not saying one is worse than the other. I'm saying mentally things are different and handled differently. A woman who was raped as a child might have so much pain inside her she turns to drugs or alcohol just to numb the pain. She might not have respect for herself or body so she sleeps around. Some people don't have the support they need to get through it. Some people it was their own family that did that to them so the ones they should have been able to count on most for trust are the ones who broke them. You can't say well I've been through this and I'm fine so what's your excuse. Everyone is different. Seems like people would know this by now!!!

by Anonymous 18 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:41 PM

Extreme trauma can definitely affect a person's thinking and actions in a lot of ways. Even looking at children who go through it. Watch how they change. Their personality, their actions...They tend to act out and/or have great emotional turmoil years after.

While in one aspect, I agree you should not let things like that define who you are or keep you back, but in another aspect, I don't think most cases like this are of people intentionally making excuses because of what happened to them. I believe they really are suffering from trauma, and don't know how to cope. 

by Anonymous 19 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:41 PM

agreed, it can't be an excuse, instead rise above it

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)