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RAPE is a horrendous crime committed by horrendous people who deserve to be in jail for life while tortured daily... HOWEVER

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
Stop using the fact that you were raped in your life as an excuse to why you have made poor decisions. I see it daily on cafemom when someone is questioned about poor choices, the first thing they say is "well, I was raped so..."

Tragedies happen to people daily, yet those tragedies do not DEFINE who you are. Anytime post discuss PA, or education, or anything else remotely controversal, there's also the select few who have to mention they were a victim to rape as if it excuses every poor decision that has been made since.

I know how it feels to be raped and violated, however I chose not to let it define who I am and chose to exceed in life. I chose not to hold future men accountable or the race of the man ruin my perspective of that race.

If you feel the need to validate your poor choices by the tragedies in life than I truly feel sorry for you. This world has so many more opportunities than your horrible past.
Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 20, 2012 at 12:55 PM
Replies (61-70):
by Mrs. Tennant on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:42 PM


And I'd like to add it's something you never really get over, you learn to cope with it. I consider myself healthy but sometimes in public if a man who reminds me of my rapist walks near me, my throat closes up and my heart pounds a mile a minute. I have nightmares still and if any rape scenes show up on TV, I burst in tears.

Everyone responds to tragedy differently.

by Sapphire Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:43 PM
I like this.

Quoting MamaHome:

I agree that we shouldn't let our experiences control us. However, they do define us because each of our experiences contribute to our worldview and how we formulate our system of values and beliefs.

The trick is learning to accept/adjust to life based on that knowledge and not using it as a means of justification.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:46 PM
Oh ok thank you. That's so sad. I hate hearing how someone could intentionaly do the things they do to people.

Quoting Anonymous:

Conference may not be the right word, I can't remember what they called it. Anyway, I worked in a military prison and we would have speakers come in. It was on rape, how it effects the victim, what they go through at the hospital, etc. It was very graphic.

Quoting fallenstars:

I just seen what you wrote and even tho I haven't been part of this conversation thus far I just wanted to say I'm sorry and also wanted to ask a question if its too much to answer just tell me ill understand but what's a mandatory rape conference?

Quoting Anonymous:

You do not understand what she is saying. I had counseling, medication, moved away. I did all I could. I was doing fine for years, then 15 years later I sit through a mandatory rape conference and it hits me hard all over again. Its been 5 years and I'm still trying to cope.

Quoting Anonymous:

If someone is having a difficult time because of a traumatic situation then they need to seek help. Not sit back and continue to make poor decisions. Doing so is only allowing that person to continue to be a victim for the rest of their life.

Doing nothing about a tragedy that has happened and not seeking help is choosing to remain a victim, therefore choosing to continue to make bad choices.

Quoting ShesALady:

Everyone handles things differently. Someone who was raped repeatedly by a family member might have more issues than someone who was walking down the street and was raped by a stranger. I'm not saying one is worse than the other. I'm saying mentally things are different and handled differently. A woman who was raped as a child might have so much pain inside her she turns to drugs or alcohol just to numb the pain. She might not have respect for herself or body so she sleeps around. Some people don't have the support they need to get through it. Some people it was their own family that did that to them so the ones they should have been able to count on most for trust are the ones who broke them. You can't say well I've been through this and I'm fine so what's your excuse. Everyone is different. Seems like people would know this by now!!!

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by Anonymous 20 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:47 PM
Some women do develop PTSD and it takes a while for them to get back to themselves with the help of medicine and therapy.
by Anonymous 21 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:49 PM

There was a girl. She was five the first time she was molested. At six this man took her into the woods, tied her to a tree, and raped her. He then shoved a gun inside of her and told her if she ever disobeyed him, he'd kill not only her but her whole family.
A few months later he decided to start using the girl to make money. He'd sell her to different men and if she didn't please them then she was tortured. Once she cried during anal rape by a particularly large man. She was tied down and had a piece of her sking in her private area cut off by a razor and then burned so she wouldn't bleed. She still to this day has that scar. She went through that until she was nine years old. Men raping her, torturing her. Sometimes even women. Doing whatever they wanted to her and making her do stuff to them.
She had no family, she was a foster child. NO one to stand up for her because she was unwanted as it was.
At nine when she finally escaped that it was only to be placed in another situation of abuse. This time it was physical but still the same pattern emerged where she couldnt' seek help because no one believed her or wanted to help her. At 13 she was raped by her uncle on a visitation to her biological father's house. At 15, another boy in the system held her down raped her, and then made her shower in front of him all the while telling her how he killed a girl once for opening her mouth. At 17 years of age she was staying with her biological sister and her neighbor held her in his house for four hours while he did things to her. She lost her baby she was carrying at the time due to what he did.
The girl has internal scars both physical and mental. She couldn't escape the abuse until she was old enough to escape the system. Her only relief was self mutilation.
When she was old enough to be on her own, she didn't know how to be. She was so used to abuse and control she couldn't figure out how to live like a normal person. She continued to go on a downward spiral and made horrible choices in her life because she didn't know how to do anything else. She eventually was able to find someone who cared enough to teach her what real life was. She got better with time, but will never be normal. She will always suffer from the past abuse she endured.
Men and women will always be scary for her because 99.9% of the ones she was exposed to as a child hurt her in unimaginable ways. Years of abuse changed her and changed her way of thinking. She didn't ask for that but it was the hand she was dealt.
She made choices based on what she knew; those choices weren't always good.
That doesn't mean she used it as an excuse. Clearly she didn't know any better and didn't have the tools to learn until years later.

Please don't act like because you got through your rape that everyone is the same as you. The girl in the story above is a real girl. Her story isn't unique. It happens more then we'd like to admit...

by Anonymous 22 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:52 PM

 I have been raped twice in my life and I NEVER EVER EVER talk about it. The only reason I am now is b/c Anon. I never use it as an excuse and only about 6 people know. And I fully agree with it doesn't define you. I learned from what happened to me and I grew from it. After the first time, I made really bad choices, but it wasn't the rape fully, yes it influenced things but I made my own decisions. After the 2nd time is when I realized I could not or would not let that happen to me again. And I wouldn't let it define me and I would move on. I know who both my attackers are, they are both free to do as they please, so I will not let what they did to me hold me captive.

by Anonymous 18 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:53 PM

Quoting Anonymous:

If this post pisses you off, then you have obviously not taken control of your horrible tragedy and sought help. I am also a rape victim, and I am telling you absolutely nothing different than what the therapist and pyschiatrist teaches.

If this post upsets you, then take it as a red flag that you haven't healed and you need to take charge I your future to seek help so that you can thrive and no longer be a victim to your past

I doesn't piss me off. I just disagree with it.

No, a professional (as you are obviously not, so I think you should leave it to the people who know how to handle these cases) would never speak as you do to a client. While they will encourage them not to let it define them, they would never ridicule them over it or speak they way you have. You just don't seem to get it. The mind can be in a very vulnerable, fragile state when trauma has occurred.

Not everyone heals the same, and every situation is different. There is such thing as PTSD, and that's one reason a professional would NOT be so stupid to say "Just get over it! I did, so there is no excuse for you not to!" They KNOW that is not how the mind always works. They KNOW trauma can be a lot more severe in some patients. When you are in that state of mind, you don't always make the decisions that "benefit" your life. Mental sickness is just like physical sickness. 

Just as your body weakens from a sickness, and your immune system becomes compromised and vulnerable, your mind can do the same. 

You come off as condescending and arrogant. If you want to be helpful, try to inspire, not berate!

by Anonymous 23 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:54 PM
I agree with you..but everybody handles things differently. I was raped, but I am so ver it. It takes time. Some people never get over it.
by Anonymous 24 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:54 PM

I agree and I have been raped by 2 men on separate occasions and don't use either time as an excuse.

by Anonymous 25 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:56 PM
"If you feel the need to validate your poor choices by the tragedies in life than I truly feel sorry for you. This world has so many more opportunities than your horrible past."
says it all
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