Maybe this is just a "vent" or maybe I'm looking for advice or comforting words and just opinions. I do not know, I haven't thought that far ahead.
I grew up Catholic, as an adult I get the feeling my parents weren't very good Catholics until it came time for me to learn the faith and nurture my relationship with God.
I stopped going to Church when I was 16.
My faith from 16-25 has been shaky to say the least.
I have not read the bible cover to cover before (like so many Christians claim to have done, I don't believe it.) I love reading, I devour books like Hershey kisses. I'm not even a picky reader, I enjoy all types of books from historical non fiction to sci-fi and everything in between. I absolutely could not read the bible.
One of the main arguments when discussing theology is that what you learn from other people is horse shit. If you wanna really debate theology you aren't even qualified until you have read the bible in its entirety.
I get it, its a valid point...Sure I placed my trust in the father, and my family and Catechism to teach me about the bible. I attended Catechism every wednesday and we would learn about the bible and Gods teachings and every Sunday we would have bible study. Even in the Girl Scouts I was required to read the bible and practice looking up verses quickly.
That's not good enough though. I didn't actually read it all, what Ive learned is just hear say. So I decided many many months ago that I would read the damn bible. Maybe this would solve so many of my insecurities regarding my beliefs.
What a mistake!
First, it was insanely difficult to read, everything is in metaphor, everything is beyond ambiguous...it really is no wonder so many millions of people can read the same sentence and claim it means 13 different things.
Secondly, it was unbelievable. I was only a 1/4 of the way through and I exhaustively slam it down and look at my husband, "You wouldn't believe the bullshit in here. So & so supposedly lived to be 800 years old."...
My husband tred his best to defend the bible but it was only because he likes to argue, not because his faith is anymore solid than mine.
Thirdly, a bazillion people with crazy names are in the bible. My mind simply could not keep them all straight. I would read it and then that person would leave for a while and waltz back in and I'm like, "who was that guy again? Why did he matter?"....My comprehension to keep 57 names organized in my brain at one time was just not possible.
Honestly, I do not know how the average person can do it. Further more I'm even more astounded at the people with a 5th grade reading level that claim to have read and absorbed the bible in its entirety. Its bullshit. I'm smart, I have never run across any literature that I had any trouble with, and like I said, I read a lot.
Before I completely derail, I made it about 1/2 way through and was certain that the bible was total idiocracy. I didn't finish it, it became so out there and so unbelievable and such a bad story that I just gave up. I was certain after reading half the bible that there was no God, especially after people told me the really amazing things don't happen until the second half. If I wasn't buying the first half there was no way I would buy the second half if that is the case.
Yet, I still believe in something certainly not Christianity and the Christians I have met do not make me sad about that at all.
What do I believe in??? I dont know, for a while I called myself a Universalist because I still needed that title of something. My heart still screams Catholic at me, I chalked that up to the thorough brainwashing but to this day I cannot pass a crucifix without dropping to my knees.
I did manage to stop robotic-ally reciting my prayers every night long long ago. I catch myself praying though. If something is bothering me I will mentally check out and lose myself in the apostles creed and just recite it over and over until my calm has found me.
I bless my son every night and do the sign of the cross on his chest. My house is covered in Crosses, not an entry way in my home is without a cross above it. My son's middle name is Cruz.
When he tells me he is scared my Grandmother buzzes in my ear until I cannot ignore it any longer. "People with God fear nothing, the Devil causes fear. Say the Our Father and God will be with you and you will have no fear"...I almost think I can hear her voice coming out of me as I lay my head on my son's belly and sing the Our Father until he is no longer scared.
So what is my fucking problem!?
Part of me truly does believe in God, I must because I cannot explain the faithful things that I have never let go of. The other part of me realizes the bible is ridiculous and by relation must mean all things in it are too.
Then I wonder....Maybe this is just how Adult Catholics are...I have always heard about the "self loathing Catholic".
After All, when I enrolled my son in a Catholic Preschool, I was certain I was an Atheist. There I am Atheist Mommy explaining everyday the Crucifixion to my son. We walk by a life size statue of a dead Jesus on the cross hanging life less with blood oozing from his extremities. My son says, "look mommy he is bleeding!"..."Yes honey he is." I could stop there, but I don't..."That is Jesus Christ, this is how he died, on the cross to wash away our sins so we can go to heaven."..then we skip on...
Am I the only one with this uncertainty!?