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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Stop blaming your parents! You're an adult now!

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

 

Poll

Question: If they were you kids, would you feel guilty

Options:

yes

no

undecided.


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Total Votes: 40

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This is a popular saying round these parts. I'm just wondering does it go both ways? Would you feel guilty or responsible for bad choices your children make once they become adults? For arguments sake, let's say that you are 67 years old. You have 5 adult children.

The oldest is mentally ill and can not live on his own.

The second oldest lives on her own, but has never been happy in life. Most likely she has an undiagnosed personality disorder.

Next one in line has never been able to be financially responsible. She's had 7 abortions that you know of, and your grand daughter has had two already at the age of 19. Her home is currently in the process of foreclosure.

The next one is a doormat.

Then the baby of the family has a learning disability. She never made it through high school and is now unemployed.

All children have spent thousands in therapy.

So what do you think? As a mom would you feel guilty or responsible for any of those things or is it their jobs as adults to compensate for your shortcomings as a parent?

Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 20, 2012 at 7:38 PM
Replies (21-30):
Lady_In_Ink
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 8:26 PM
Yeah, I would blame myself. But I am pretty hard on myself in general.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 20, 2012 at 8:28 PM

That was the year she was diagnosed with a learning disability. She wasn't going to be able to graduate with her class because it was too late. She actually did really well that year in school but do to state law she couldn't possibly fit in all the requirements to graduate. She needed one more PE classes to graduate. So the school told her that she couldn't walk with her class for graduation, they put her in a junior year homeroom as a senior and told her that the next year she could be on the work release program. She would come in each day and take two PE classes back to back and then leave on  work release. She would only have to do it for half the year. She was crying because she worked so hard and thought she'd be able to graduate. Her mom said it was dumb and said that she could drop out and just take a test. It wasn't that easy. She dropped out just before finals so none of that year she worked so hard for counted at all. They wouldn't even let her take the test without at least 2 years of night school first. Her mom had no intention of paying. She got a job and by the time she was in her thirties it didn't seem important to get the GED at all. She had lived so long without it. Now she would have to take two tests to get it, but she has always lied to employers about it so she sees no reason why she should. The only reason to get it now is to go to college but I think she had such a bad school experience she wouldn't even consider it an option.

Quoting slashteddy:

Oh wow, that sounds horrible. :( Especially to later find out that she's not lazy, but having to deal with being put down all the time. Why did the mom convince her to drop out of school?! I was thinking it was the girl's choice from having a hard time... :|

Quoting Anonymous:

That makes sense.

Of course I could tell you that her learning disability wasn't even discovered until she was 17 and prior to that she was just told how lazy she was all the time. Then the mom talked her in to dropping out of hs telling her she could easily just take a test to get her GED, never mentioning that it cost money that she was not prepared to fork over. lol


Quoting slashteddy:

Not as much, probably, no. Granted since this is hypothetical since I can't empathize with the parents, I've never actually been there myself... but I've dealt with a learning disability and I've had friends who had a REALLY tough time getting through high school. It's not for everyone, that's for sure. Now if the youngest just gave up on education and won't even TRY to look for a job, then yes, I would feel responsible. But if she got her GED or was working towards it, that I could understand.

Quoting Anonymous:


Quoting slashteddy:

I'd probably feel responsible for the middle three...

Not the one who didn't finish high school? 





hp2011
by Ruby Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 8:30 PM
2 moms liked this

ex mil has three kids:

J(oldest's dad)- 30, shares a rented bedroom with his aunt. works in fast food.

CR(oldest's aunt)- 30, lives with her mom, unemployed, recovering drug addict

and

CH(oldest's uncle)- 34, lives with grandmother, unemployed. hasn't worked in over a decade.



exmil doesn't blame herself, and i'm sorry, but i have to wonder if it maybe was her fault. i know they had a shitty childhood and weren't taught or given attention, etc.... so i have to wonder.

1likeme
by Gold Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 8:32 PM
Yes if all of my children were non functioning deeply unhappy adults I would feel responsible for the outcome.

As far as my own life, I had a very difficult childhood and it did affect me into my adulthood. It has taken me many years to move forward and past the things I was forced to deal with as a child and young adult. I do not blame my parents for my decisions in the literal sense but I do blame them for continuing to be very abusive people. My life started to get better when I removed them from it.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 20, 2012 at 8:37 PM


Quoting 1likeme:

Yes if all of my children were non functioning deeply unhappy adults I would feel responsible for the outcome.

As far as my own life, I had a very difficult childhood and it did affect me into my adulthood. It has taken me many years to move forward and past the things I was forced to deal with as a child and young adult. I do not blame my parents for my decisions in the literal sense but I do blame them for continuing to be very abusive people. My life started to get better when I removed them from it.

I agree completely. And while I don't sit around telling people that they should do nothing and blame their parents for all their issues, I do think that the choices we make as parents effect our children's lives well in to adulthood. So many people on this site seem to reject the idea that a person's background should be considered when looking at their current situation.

Hierophant85
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 8:38 PM
I would feel bad but it comes to a point where they need to stand up and help themselves.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
jamamama00
by Platinum Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 8:48 PM

There's a lot of missing info here. For example: was this an abusive home? Overly controlling? Overly permissive? Drug and alcohol use? Those are some examples of domestic issues that can cause a child to have stunted behavioral and emotional growth. True, many children escape dysfuntional homes unscathed, and possibly even better because of it. But statistically speaking, more often than not, children from dysfunctional homes remained scarred for life.

LectioDivina
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 8:49 PM

yes, it's their fault.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 20, 2012 at 8:51 PM

No, none of those things

Quoting jamamama00:

There's a lot of missing info here. For example: was this an abusive home? Overly controlling? Overly permissive? Drug and alcohol use? Those are some examples of domestic issues that can cause a child to have stunted behavioral and emotional growth. True, many children escape dysfuntional homes unscathed, and possibly even better because of it. But statistically speaking, more often than not, children from dysfunctional homes remained scarred for life.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 8 on Nov. 20, 2012 at 8:53 PM

I love the philosophy that once you are an adult you can no longer use the product of your raising excuse. I have had to say this to many people who have continued to blame the way they were raised on mistakes they make as adults, but... I am also one of those moms that will completely blame myself for every bad decision they make, or every hard time they have in their lives as adults. I can't help that, it's just how I know I'm going to be.

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