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when your husband's an alcoholic and won't get help - UPDATE 11/26 - He Is Going To Treatment!

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 458 Replies
1 mom liked this

...That's me. I wish I could just up and leave bc im at the end of my rope. But I am not going to screw up my schooling . Last night at his company xmas party he got so shitfaced, and his whole family was there - the older aunt,s, cousins, etc bc they all manage/own it. And between him and two other guys there, they started fighting. My husband was 10x worse, going after anyone he felt looked at him wrong or was talking badly to him. Really people were just rying to calm him dow. I  was SO EMBARRASED.  I'm still sick over it. He went after this one guy and he literally shoved me really hard - i guess to get my out of the way to go after him. he didnt even know what he was doing. and then his family flipped out on him trying to control him beause he put his hands on me...I'm sooo embarrassed that I deleted my facebook. He remembers stuff, but his perception of it is COMPLETELY FALSE. I've been telling him he has a problem with alcohol for a while now, and he is in denial. Today he hugged me and said he is done with drinking. Problem is, he has said this before, more than once, and quit for a while, but the problem is he is an alcoholic because he cannot have just one or two. he drinks to become completely annihilated. Before he went to the party he was downing 4-5 beers an hour with a FUNNEL/TUBE (yes like a frat boy) that he made at our friends house where they were watching a big football game. So if he quits it has to be forever, and he REALLY needs to go to AA at the least but he downright refuses to "go to something like that" and "I'm just gonna quit drinking". Emotionally I've checked out. Financially I cannot check out because I'm still getting my degree and cannot provide or support ym children at all. 

I really think he is going to lose his job after last night. I sure as hell wouldnt' keep him as an employee. 

== OKAY, After about 90% of repliers advised me to go to al-anon, I did find some local meetings and am going to go to the on on tuesday morning. I am going to ask my MIL to watch DD (other two are in school) and tell her it is so I can go to a work meeting or something like that. 

11/26 update -

This morning DH called me from work, and was upset. Basically he realized I mean it that if he EVER drinks again then I am leaving him. He was all "So when we go to a NYE party, and everyone's drinking, you're telling me that I can't drink?" "I'm telling you that that's your choice and I'm not living like this anymore, that if you CHOSE alcohol over your family, then sobeit and I will do what I have to do" and now he's upset that I'm trying to control him and force him to quit something, just like I forced him to quit smoking weed before. And he;s just going on and on about ths and that and evading facing the problem. 

So, I talked to my dad this morning and my dad (who is a nurse and former alcoholic (yea, I know - always an alcoholic but hasn't had a drink in 13 years) and he says he needs inpatient treatment but since he's refusing and all that, my dad is clearing out the other bedroom. There's two bedrooms there at his place for me and my kids. It's a huge leap for me and I'm trying to ignore the terrified feeling. 

=================================================================================

11/26

7:30 pm

So I think its hitting him that Im making all the arrangements to go to my dads and its hurting him that hes about to lose me. So he is swearing over and over again that he is quitting but is refusig any kind of professional help, not even a simple therapist. He really needs rehab and AA but won't even see a simple therapist. finally got him to say that if he fails trying it alone then he will go get some help . 

Is it wrong that I will only accept him getting professional help?

11/26-1030 pm

After hours of talking to him, going back and forth, I made it very, very clear that I won't accept anything less than professional help for him. 

He agreed and on his own called his EAP and they set him up at a comprehensive treatment place for this Friday afternoon, and AA as well.

I have also made it clear that if he doesn't follow through or ever picks up another drink again, we're outta here no questions no talking, it's just over. 

So although I'm not getting my hopes up,  I will be supportive, going with him to meetings if he needs me to, etc. 


Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 25, 2012 at 11:18 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Nov. 25, 2012 at 11:20 AM
1 mom liked this
I'd leave him
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 25, 2012 at 11:26 AM

if he can't even admit he has a problem, what's the point in me staying in this relationship where he continues to hurt me over and over again ? I'm a good person and deserve better. Still, in my head I cant fathom taking my children out of the only home they've ever known and moving them around, putting them through stress and heartache, etc. It's like I'm choosing which is worse, if I leave now, it is impossible to finish school with my degree (nursing) & be able to provide for them as a single mom. VS keep going through this heartache for another year and  a half until I can financially do it without my children suffering.  

Quoting Anonymous:

I'd leave him


Sj218
by on Nov. 25, 2012 at 11:28 AM
12 moms liked this
I've been through the same thing. It's horrible. Their memory of what they did while drunk is always soooooo different from reality. You can't reason with them and you'll never win. I will say, from experience, not drinking IS NOT the same as recovery from alcoholism. Even if he stops drinking, if his thought process doesn't change he'll just be a jerk who doesn't drink. I understand why you stay. I stayed for a long long time too. I wish I had been the one to leave. Instead, he left me because he was tired of my nagging about his drinking. It hurt like hell because I always believed he could change. I had so much faith in what he was capable of that I lost sight of who he really was. He was a selfish jerk that put his own fun and drinking ahead of his wife's feelings. Sound familiar?
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Nov. 25, 2012 at 11:33 AM
27 moms liked this

2 words. VIDEO. CAMERA. get a small one, and whens hes drinking record him. show him when hes sober.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 25, 2012 at 11:35 AM

Clearly he was your husband before he was mine! It's pretty similar. I can point out every single black and white sign of alcoholism that he has, even how it's hurt me and our relationship, and he is still.in.denial. 

he DOES need to change his though process, which Is why I am pushing him to go to AA.  the more i push the more he backs away though. So forget that!

Quoting Sj218:

I've been through the same thing. It's horrible. Their memory of what they did while drunk is always soooooo different from reality. You can't reason with them and you'll never win. I will say, from experience, not drinking IS NOT the same as recovery from alcoholism. Even if he stops drinking, if his thought process doesn't change he'll just be a jerk who doesn't drink. I understand why you stay. I stayed for a long long time too. I wish I had been the one to leave. Instead, he left me because he was tired of my nagging about his drinking. It hurt like hell because I always believed he could change. I had so much faith in what he was capable of that I lost sight of who he really was. He was a selfish jerk that put his own fun and drinking ahead of his wife's feelings. Sound familiar?


Redwoods_Mama
by Platinum Member on Nov. 25, 2012 at 11:36 AM
14 moms liked this

Your kids do not need to grow up around that.

 

I would look into every bit of financial aid I could, do whatever I had to, to get them away.  I would be terrified of the damage he will do to them, never knowing "which dad" they will get, and growng up to possibly think alcohol abuse is normal.  :/

 

I am so sorry.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 25, 2012 at 11:36 AM
1 mom liked this

I did this last night!! He gets SO biligerent towards me . I recorded about 6 or 7 different videos of him last night at home, the stuff he said to me, was horrible. 

Quoting Anonymous:

2 words. VIDEO. CAMERA. get a small one, and whens hes drinking record him. show him when hes sober.


illinoismommy83
by on Nov. 25, 2012 at 11:36 AM
2 moms liked this

Sometimes the best kind of help is court ordered, sadly. To get the help he needs, he may NEED the judge to force him to a meeting so he can be capable of being around his kids and providing for his kids. You leaving him may be what is needed. You can work while in school. It will be tough but it can be done.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Nov. 25, 2012 at 11:37 AM

yup. everytime, record. BUT- stop if he turns on you.

Quoting Anonymous:

I did this last night!! He gets SO biligerent towards me . I recorded about 6 or 7 different videos of him last night at home, the stuff he said to me, was horrible. 

Quoting Anonymous:

2 words. VIDEO. CAMERA. get a small one, and whens hes drinking record him. show him when hes sober.



muzzyh
by Gold Member on Nov. 25, 2012 at 11:39 AM
2 moms liked this
Finish school and get the hell out
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