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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Spending the holiday with a molester? (long-ish) Edit for clarity

Posted by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:08 PM
  • 54 Replies

Okay, ladies. I am stressing big time about something I just found out about two hours ago. I need some advice on how the hell to proceed.

All right, DH, our 14 month old DS and I all live with DH's mom and dad. Today, my MIL comes into the living room and tells me that my FIL's younger brother is invited to our house for the Christmas get-together this year.

I'm like, "Okay, cool." I have never met him, and DH hasn't seen him in ten years. DH has always talked about his uncle in a positive light, though DH's (maternal) grandmother hates the guy's guts and refuses to be in the same room as him.

My MIL then enlightens me to this uncle's past. Back in 1980, when he was 14, he molested my DH's 6 y/o male cousin. She told me that my FIL's sister (the mother of the boy who was molested) never pressed charges against her brother (Which, I am totally fucking APPALLED by this!!), and in fact she didn't tell FIL and MIL until years later, when the uncle came to live with them and DH (who was around 2 years old). MIL then goes on to say that he never got any kind of treatment, but he got a job as a school bus driver and was later fired for saying inappropriate things to the students. She said that a couple times, this uncle came to live with them, but she made sure DH and the uncle were never alone together.

Now, to me, this sounds so completely ridiculous. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't let a child molester live with me and my son. She laughed it off and said, "We forgive him for what he did, but that doesn't mean we're going to be stupid about it!"

I am totally stunned. I have no idea what to say about this. I have an awful knot in my stomach just thinking about being in the same room as this guy, who happens to be DH's favorite uncle, apparantly!

I feel like if I'm here with DS, I won't be able to relax the whole time that this guy is visiting. What would you ladies do? I'm worried this will open the door to future visits. I worry about causing a rift between DH and me if I go to my parents' house while the uncle is here, but I think that is the only way I will have peace of mind. I just keep looking at my DS and thinking how awful it would be to have anything happen to him.

What do you gals think about this? Does anybody else have a family secret like this??

Eta: I haven't spoken with DH about this yet, and he doesn't yet know that his uncle has been invited. I don't think he felt it necessary to tell me what the deal was because he never really planned on me meeting the uncle.

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by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:11 PM

I would come over to visit for the days but sleep at my parents house.  That way I could have down time from being crazy vigilant.

indyb
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:12 PM
3 moms liked this

I would go somewhere else  while he was there,  my child's safety is more important then anything else!

areyouatroll
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:12 PM
1 mom liked this
I'd talk to my dh and go to my mothers.
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Quatrekins
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:13 PM

He's only going to be here for a few hours one day.

Quoting Anonymous:

I would come over to visit for the days but sleep at my parents house.  That way I could have down time from being crazy vigilant.


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Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:14 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm in a similar situation. I can't trust that it wouldn't happen with my own kids. I was the only person who was told about what happened so I can't really say anything. I go, but my kids are in my sight the whole time and they don't get left with said family member. Period. The past may be the past, but the stakes are too high to take a chance IMO.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:15 PM

Ok.  What does your husband say?  Does he know?  

Quoting Quatrekins:

He's only going to be here for a few hours one day.

Quoting Anonymous:

I would come over to visit for the days but sleep at my parents house.  That way I could have down time from being crazy vigilant.



Quatrekins
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:15 PM

I am worried about how a talk with DH will go; Years ago (long before marriage and children) I asked DH why his grandma hated his uncle, and he told me something along the lines of, "I don't want to say; If I tell you, you won't be able to look at him the same." I had always assumed it was something like domestic abuse or adultery, since he's been divorced three times (he is currently married, the wife is invited as well)

Quoting areyouatroll:

I'd talk to my dh and go to my mothers.


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notjstanothrmom
by Ruby Member on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:15 PM
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I would express my discomfort and if not heard out I would go elsewhere while he was there.
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Quatrekins
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:17 PM

He doesn't know yet, he's still at work. I'll have to wait until he gets home to discuss it.

Quoting Anonymous:

Ok.  What does your husband say?  Does he know?  

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Mamabear010
by Gold Member on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:17 PM

I would go else where and not give a single flying flip about causing rifts. If you protecting your son causes drama with him that is on him. He should be the one who wants to protect his child. If he doesn't want to do that. Well, sadly I'd consider if I truly want to stay married to him. My child's safety comes before all else.

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