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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

What NOT to F'ing buy my kids this holiday (made me LOL)

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By Karen Alpert, Monday at 10:17 am

 

 

Dear Grammy, Grampy, Nana and Pop Pop,

Ahhh, yes, here we go again. The most wonderful time of the year. For you. For me it’s more like let’s see how much more crap I can fit in my house until TLC comes knocking at my door because they think I’m an F’ing hoarder. I know that you guys are about to jiz (giz???) in your pants you’re so excited about all the shit you can buy for your grandkids this holiday, but not so fast. Before you whip out your Amex/Target/Mastercards, check out this little list of “guidelines” I’ve made for you this year. The following is a list of presents NOT to buy my kids this holiday.

1. Anything alive. Because you know what happens to things that are alive? They die. And you know what sucks? Explaining to my kid why Fluffer Nutter the hamster is as hard as a rock and stuck in his tube. And you know what sucks even worse? Fucker Nutter living a healthy life for years and years to come. Because guess who has to clean his E coli-infested poop cage. Yours fucking truly. As if wiping two asses besides my own isn’t enough already.

2. Stocking stuffers. Or as I like to call them, cheap pieces of shit. I get enough crappy stocking stuffers year-round for free. They’re called McDonald’s Happy Meal toys. Would you like fries with that? And how about a plastic piece of crap that was made in China and causes cancer.

3. Any toy that hurts when I accidentally step on it with bare feet. I don’t care if the ER doctor is George fucking Clooney. Getting a bristle block surgically removed from my heel is not worth it.

George Clooney(gratuitous hot guy picture)

4. Any toy without an off button. And you know what, I’m going a step further and saying any toy with an off button that doesn’t turn off IMMEDIATELY when you push it. You know the crap I’m talking about. You push the off button and it keeps on yapping, “Woof, woof! Thanks for playing! I’ll see you again later!” I pushed off. If I wanted you to keep talking I would have pushed the dissertation button. It’s like when you’re on the phone and you tell someone you have to go and they say okay but then proceed to ask you a thousand questions.

5. Any toy that requires me to play it with them. Toys are how I keep my kids busy while I’m trying to get important things done around the house. Like the laundry, and the dishes, and waxing my mustache, and pooping.

6. Barbie dolls. I know I’m supposed to be against them because they give my daughter a false sense of a woman’s body shape, but that’s not what I’m worried about. My kid has no sense of negative self-image yet. If she did, she wouldn’t be doing naked downward dog every night while I’m trying to get her into a pull-up. Nope, I’ll tell you who doesn’t need to see hourglass Barbie bitches everywhere. Me. If I want to feel like shit about my body I just look in my full-length mirror. I don’t need a nine-inch plastic doll to make me feel like a hippopotomus hippapotamus (how the fuck do you spell this word?!) hippo.

7. This toy.

Owl Puke You

Just in case this catalog came to your house too, don’t you dare buy this. I know it looks original and all, but I’ll bet this is the kind of shit Jeffrey Dahmer got when he was a kid. I can already picture it. First my kid will be playing with this, and before you know it she’ll be playing with the neighbor's cat carcass, and then one day the police will show up to take what I thought was leftover meatballs out of my garage freezer but really it’s our babysitter’s head.

8. And speaking of carcasses, stuffed animals. To say we don’t need anymore is the understatement of the year. You know that game where there are a million stuffed animals in a big glass box and you have to steer the claw to try to pluck one out? Sometimes I feel like I live in that. One day I fully expect the claw to drop down through our skylight.

9. Talking dolls. For one, they creep me the shit out. The way they talk without their lips moving like ventriloquists. Freaky. And here’s another reason I can’t stand them. Do you know what talking dolls say? Shit like, “Mommy, feed me,” and “I wet myself Mommy. Time for a diaper change!” This is the kind of crap I already hear like 40 times an hour from my own kids, so why in God’s name would I want to hear more of that?

10. Horns, drums, cymbals, pianos, microphones, guitars, maracas, tambourines, bells, whistles, mp3 players, karaoke machines, sirens, rattles, buzzers, alarms, toys that beep, buzz, or have one of those annoying ladies who sings like she’s all serious and shit like my middle school guitar-wielding music teacher.

That’s it. Good luck out there! You’re gonna fucking need it.

Love and kisses,

Because I’m The Mom




 





by on Nov. 27, 2012 at 11:53 AM
Replies (81-90):
mitikusmom
by on Nov. 27, 2012 at 5:04 PM

LMAO

Mrs.Kubalabuku
by Ruby Member on Nov. 27, 2012 at 5:05 PM

My Grandparents have bought my son at least one of everything on that list...Except the hamster.  They got us those fake hamsters instead.


Quoting Anonymous:

I thought so too. But i figured it was probably just bc my ILs have awesome taste in gifts for DS, plus they ask for and follow suggestions, so we've never gotten any truly horrible toys. I'm sure if we had, I'd view this differently. So, I'll just count my blessings and move along...

Quoting Anonymous:

No. She sounds like a uptight bitch who is trying way to hard to be funny.


Quoting mommy_me:

Am I the only one who doesn't find this funny at all?



Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Nov. 27, 2012 at 5:08 PM

Even the owl puke one?

Quoting Mrs.Kubalabuku:

My Grandparents have bought my son at least one of everything on that list...Except the hamster.  They got us those fake hamsters instead.

 

Quoting Anonymous:

I thought so too. But i figured it was probably just bc my ILs have awesome taste in gifts for DS, plus they ask for and follow suggestions, so we've never gotten any truly horrible toys. I'm sure if we had, I'd view this differently. So, I'll just count my blessings and move along...

Quoting Anonymous:

No. She sounds like a uptight bitch who is trying way to hard to be funny.


Quoting mommy_me:

Am I the only one who doesn't find this funny at all?

 

 


F_Stathouse
by on Nov. 27, 2012 at 5:10 PM
Lol love it.
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Momma3830
by on Nov. 27, 2012 at 5:13 PM
THIS!!!!

& # 5 cracked me up!!! That's sooo me! Lmao!


Quoting isaiahsmomma86:

Where the hell is moon dough and play dough on this list lol. That's number one on my do not buy list. Anyone who buys moon dough for my child will be disowned! I hate that shit!

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
wrensong
by Pagan Mother on Nov. 27, 2012 at 5:18 PM

LMFAO   Love it!

PinkyPan
by Ruby Member on Nov. 27, 2012 at 5:21 PM

oh oh...this Nana may be in trouble! LMOA! I bought Jonny an Elmo guitar for Christmas!

scarlettsam
by Silver Member on Nov. 27, 2012 at 5:24 PM
Omg! Funny funny stuff!!
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Mrs.Kubalabuku
by Ruby Member on Nov. 27, 2012 at 5:32 PM

They did one better:  They went to their yard and picked up fresh ones from the owls that lived back there and did a "Do It Yourself" on the idea.  They also made a "Do It Yourself" scat-identifier to help him learn how to tell what animal had what kind of poop.

Quoting Anonymous:

Even the owl puke one?

Quoting Mrs.Kubalabuku:

My Grandparents have bought my son at least one of everything on that list...Except the hamster.  They got us those fake hamsters instead.


Quoting Anonymous:

I thought so too. But i figured it was probably just bc my ILs have awesome taste in gifts for DS, plus they ask for and follow suggestions, so we've never gotten any truly horrible toys. I'm sure if we had, I'd view this differently. So, I'll just count my blessings and move along...

Quoting Anonymous:

No. She sounds like a uptight bitch who is trying way to hard to be funny.


Quoting mommy_me:

Am I the only one who doesn't find this funny at all?





Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Nov. 27, 2012 at 7:56 PM

I guess I could see going out there when the kids were over to see "something cool" and learn about science. But collecting owl puke and saving it for a Christmas present... thats pretty weird lol.

Quoting Mrs.Kubalabuku:

They did one better:  They went to their yard and picked up fresh ones from the owls that lived back there and did a "Do It Yourself" on the idea.  They also made a "Do It Yourself" scat-identifier to help him learn how to tell what animal had what kind of poop.

Quoting Anonymous:

Even the owl puke one?

Quoting Mrs.Kubalabuku:

My Grandparents have bought my son at least one of everything on that list...Except the hamster.  They got us those fake hamsters instead.

 

Quoting Anonymous:

I thought so too. But i figured it was probably just bc my ILs have awesome taste in gifts for DS, plus they ask for and follow suggestions, so we've never gotten any truly horrible toys. I'm sure if we had, I'd view this differently. So, I'll just count my blessings and move along...

Quoting Anonymous:

No. She sounds like a uptight bitch who is trying way to hard to be funny.


Quoting mommy_me:

Am I the only one who doesn't find this funny at all?

 

 

 

 


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