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I resent my daughter

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

 

Poll

Question: What should I do?

Options:

Give her to her father and force him to be a single parent.

Force her father to give up his rights and put her up for open adoption?

Continue to live life grudgingly, trying not to allow my disdain to affect my parenting.

Keep her and just plan on years of counseling for both of us.

Give her up while she's too young to remember

Just keep hoping this is a phase and she'll get easier and less annoying with time.


Only group members can vote in this poll.

Total Votes: 828

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I understand this is disturbing for most of you.  I explain a lot more on page 31.  I was depressed and extremely frustrated at the time I wrote the original post below.  Despite that, it's still true that I sometimes resent my daughter (for multiple reasons) and I'm trying to find a way past feeling that way.

Some people have been nice and offered advice that I hadn't thought of.  Others have been downright vicious, chosing not to even try to understand any of it - but resport to name calling and condemnation.  I am not a troll, just a mother who's been through a lot and is struggling to bond with an innocent child.  I am not the only person to experience this and I won't be the last.  It's a sensitive subject that is mostly avoided until someone starts talking about how much of a heartless b*tch their mother was and how they got no love.  For those of you who haven't filled it in yet - that's exactly what I don't want to happen with her.  I was a good mother to my son and the plan is the same for her.  I knew I was going to have trouble attaching to her.  I just didn't expect to still be having the problem almost 2yrs. later.

This is an unfortunate and f*cked up situation to say the least. Nothing good is going to ever come from it.

I made the genius decision to part from my normally over cautious nature and live life a little differently...stop playing everything so safe.

Worst.mistake.ever.

Extremely long story short: I ended up in a situation where I was denied the abortion I was desperate for, so I could just move on and forget.  I wanted the baby gone so I'd never have to deal with her father again, and because I knew I wouldn't bond with her.  My pregnancy was miserable.  My delivery was miserable.  The first few months home with her were miserable.

She's 22mos old, and I still don't feel connected to her.  I care for her. Take care of her. Am protective of her.  I just don't feel like I love her.  It's not her fault.  She didn't ask to be here and she shouldn't be here.  She annoys me to no end, partially because she's her father's child and she's like him in too many ways.  With me, she's a clingy, whiny brat (even when nothing's wrong and she's happy, she whines - grrrrugh!), and she's constantly climbing all over me  - with everyone else she's an independent, loving, happy, funny darling who just likes to seek attention.  I literally want to throw her across the room sometimes.  When she's gone I don't miss her and don't want her to come back.  When she's here I make sure she's okay, but ignore her.  I'm constantly debating kicking her father out and sending her with him.  If he wasn't such a fuck-up, I would.  But I'd never send a baby away with an irresponsible, self-centered alcoholic who can't keep a job and has no permanent address (and no, I didn't know any of this before she came along, I just had a feeling something wasn't right. He's an extremely manipulative pathological liar who is well practiced at hiding things from people and I didn't find out until after I was pregnant.)

I had to kick them both out today, just so I could find some peace, or I would have exploded.

I'm not here to be bothered by self-righteous critics.  If all you have to say is how wrong I am, save the effort and shove it up your a** before you even get started.  I already know how f*cked up it is, I'm living it, and i wouldn't be here talking about it if everything was okay.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what to do.  Most of the time, I wish I could just walk away and forget all of it ever happened, but I have too much of a conscience for that, and I'm adopted and know what it's like to wonder.  There's a LOT more to this story than I can tell here, volumes.  I just want to know that I'm not the only one who's ever felt like this and need to get it off my chest as ugly as it is.

Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 28, 2012 at 5:59 PM
Replies (521-524):
anon1986East
by Kali on Nov. 30, 2012 at 4:36 PM

Do you think your daughter won't someday pick up on the fact that you are not attached to her as a fit parent should be? Having no emotional attachment to your child does qualify as being unfit, I never said you couldn't take care of her - that isn't the issue but there are other ways a parent can be unfit. It's very likely your daughter will grow up knowing you have no emotional attachment to her and she could develop her own issues because of it which makes your parenting detrimental to her development which is what makes you unfit. A truly capable parent is able to nurture a child in their material and emotional needs, a parent who lacks an emotional attachment to a child isn't fully capable of meeting those needs.

It's good you have some type of plan in place should you feel she's better off in the care of someone else but what you need to be able to recognize is when you get to that point. Before long she will realize that you are not like other mothers and that's when it will become a problem. I truly hope for your daughter's sake that she is one of the few children who don't recognize that, who won't notice that you are not attached to her but it's more likely than not that she will.

Quoting Anonymous:

Actually, I don't see myself as an unfit parent, nor does anyone else who is actually involved in my life and knows the situation.  I'm a good parent, but I'm also human.  The problem is not feeling attached.  Attachment issues don't automatically render a person incapable of parenting.  Despite my lack of attachment, I know that noone is going to do for my child what I will, including her father, and definitely not any of his family.  I don't have any family other than my children.  And I do have a friend who's open to the idea of taking her should things get that bad - but I'm not allowing them to get that bad.

Quoting anon1986East:

Neither of you seem like fit parents, but at least you realize that about yourself. I'm not going to bash you since that would do no good and you obviously don't choose to feel this way. I think the best thing you can do is find someone willing and more capable of raising her. Is there anyone in your family, or any close friends willing to take her in?

Or you can always go the route my friend's mom took - call CPS. Explain to them you simply don't feel fit to be a mother and don't believe her father is capable of being a fit parent either. They'll likely investigate into how fit her father is while placing her in foster care. You could always ask the foster parents, or adoptive parents, to someday allow you to explain yourself should your daughter ever question why you gave her up.

My friend's mom couldn't handle her two youngest boys, they were violent and out of control so she had them placed in foster care. She wrote them several letters explaining why she couldn't be their mom, the fact that they had issues and recognized that she had issues as well that made her incapable of raising them. I also have a cousin who was adopted. Her biological mother gave my aunt and uncle a package of letters and even a video explaining why she gave her up for adoption and my aunt and uncle honored the biological mother's request to give the items to my cousin when she was old enough to understand.

Some people are not cut out to be parents and sometimes it's in the best interest of the child if those people gave up their rights to be parents.



tisha826
by Tisha on Nov. 30, 2012 at 4:42 PM
I'll take her
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Nov. 30, 2012 at 5:52 PM

I disagree.  Plus, you don't know me personally.  People who do know me don't even know I'm dealing with this and they see me with her all the time.  Me not feeling attached is an internal thing that I don't project onto her.  If you haven't experienced this you can't know how I feel.  And on what authority do you feel you have the right to tell someone you don't know they're an unfit parent? Condescending much.  Just because I don't feel attachment, doesn't automatically mean her emotional needs aren't being met.  I mean damn, she isn't the little matchstick girl.  She's actually very well taken care of in all aspects and very happy.  But your self-righteous opinion is already formed and there's nothing I can say in my own defence that going to really change it.  Isn't that right?

Quoting anon1986East:

Do you think your daughter won't someday pick up on the fact that you are not attached to her as a fit parent should be? Having no emotional attachment to your child does qualify as being unfit, I never said you couldn't take care of her - that isn't the issue but there are other ways a parent can be unfit. It's very likely your daughter will grow up knowing you have no emotional attachment to her and she could develop her own issues because of it which makes your parenting detrimental to her development which is what makes you unfit. A truly capable parent is able to nurture a child in their material and emotional needs, a parent who lacks an emotional attachment to a child isn't fully capable of meeting those needs.

It's good you have some type of plan in place should you feel she's better off in the care of someone else but what you need to be able to recognize is when you get to that point. Before long she will realize that you are not like other mothers and that's when it will become a problem. I truly hope for your daughter's sake that she is one of the few children who don't recognize that, who won't notice that you are not attached to her but it's more likely than not that she will.

Quoting Anonymous:

Actually, I don't see myself as an unfit parent, nor does anyone else who is actually involved in my life and knows the situation.  I'm a good parent, but I'm also human.  The problem is not feeling attached.  Attachment issues don't automatically render a person incapable of parenting.  Despite my lack of attachment, I know that noone is going to do for my child what I will, including her father, and definitely not any of his family.  I don't have any family other than my children.  And I do have a friend who's open to the idea of taking her should things get that bad - but I'm not allowing them to get that bad.

Quoting anon1986East:

Neither of you seem like fit parents, but at least you realize that about yourself. I'm not going to bash you since that would do no good and you obviously don't choose to feel this way. I think the best thing you can do is find someone willing and more capable of raising her. Is there anyone in your family, or any close friends willing to take her in?

Or you can always go the route my friend's mom took - call CPS. Explain to them you simply don't feel fit to be a mother and don't believe her father is capable of being a fit parent either. They'll likely investigate into how fit her father is while placing her in foster care. You could always ask the foster parents, or adoptive parents, to someday allow you to explain yourself should your daughter ever question why you gave her up.

My friend's mom couldn't handle her two youngest boys, they were violent and out of control so she had them placed in foster care. She wrote them several letters explaining why she couldn't be their mom, the fact that they had issues and recognized that she had issues as well that made her incapable of raising them. I also have a cousin who was adopted. Her biological mother gave my aunt and uncle a package of letters and even a video explaining why she gave her up for adoption and my aunt and uncle honored the biological mother's request to give the items to my cousin when she was old enough to understand.

Some people are not cut out to be parents and sometimes it's in the best interest of the child if those people gave up their rights to be parents.




ericahager2005
by Silver Member on Nov. 30, 2012 at 9:43 PM
Op mom I think you are more attatched and bonded then u realize. I think you may need a break to get the pmdd/ppd or other mental health issues you are having under control (maybe inpatient therapy) and to kick useless dad out as well. Cps can help with that. There are detatchment issues as well that have specific diagnosis. Talk to pediatrician and your dr abou how u r feeling and see what help/support is out there for you and dd. (Hugs)
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