Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Quit whining if you won't accept help.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 17 Replies

That's all I'm saying. I mean really. When you complain and bitch and whine and say how much life sucks, or how bad you have it, and then someone says "hey I can help you out"... take it.

When you don't, you send two messages: 1) I enjoy being miserable and don't want to get out of this hole, or 2) I'm not ACTUALLY that miserable, just being overdramatic and seeking attention.

I know you THINK you are saying "I can do this on my own, and I can make it through without help". But you're not. You're appealing to the compassion and generosity of others, and you're sharing your problems. They are offering you a solution out of the goodness of their hearts, and they WANT to help. It would BLESS them to be able to pitch in and offer a solution- even if it's just temporary.

When you say no, you are pissing all over the generosity and love of the people who want to help you. So if you're just seeking attention, you're crying wolf and you won't get the offers in the future, because everyone knows you'll just say no. And if you're enjoying the misery of your situation and refuse a way out, then you need serious mental help.

Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:03 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Bethsunshine
by Ruby Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:04 PM

That's why I don't offer help. I don't have time or patience to deal with attention seeking Drama Queens.

jillbailey26
by Jill on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:12 PM
3 moms liked this

They want to do it on their own, but it's hard (and they're allowed to "whine and complain" about it).  It doesn't mean they need saving, it means they want to get through the hard times on their own.  

When they say no, they're not pissing all over generosity.  They're standing on their own two feet and they'll be stronger in the end for it.  I've been there, I know exactly how it feels and I'm much better off.


"Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification"  Romans 14:19

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:14 PM

I love my BFF... she's amazing...but EVERY TIME life gets rough she posts about it on facebook. And EVERY TIME she gets this long list of ppl saying "we can do this for you" "we can help in this way..." etc and she always says "no, but thank you."

Today she wrote me a 5 text essay about how she was suffering so bad financially that she couldn't deal anymore. She said she's lost weight bc she isn't eating, bc she has no groceries. She said she "stole" an applesauce from her son so she could have some sort of lunch today. She said she took from his college fund to pay her mortgage.

I had asked her to make a cake for my daughter's birthday (she makes amazing cakes) and she charged me $60. I told her I would double the cost, so she could have some extra money, and because DH and I have come into some extra funds, and I am more than happy to do this.

She says no, that she'll "Survive until thursday" when she gets paid again, and that she'll have enough money for groceries, gas etc at that time. Suddenly, things aren't so bad and she's not suffering nearly as much.

It pisses me off. Don't tell me you are starving and miserable, then say "no it's totally okay." It's not okay. I'm your friend. I WANT to help. I WANT to make you smile. I WANT you to be healthy and happy... you and your son both. Don't appeal to my generosity and kindness then turn me down. It's downright insulting.

Quoting Bethsunshine:

That's why I don't offer help. I don't have time or patience to deal with attention seeking Drama Queens.


eirejade
by Bronze Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:16 PM
Sometimes the help is more trouble than it's worth due to who is asking and/or payback required...sometimes accepting help is like trying to get out of debt using a credit card
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
jillbailey26
by Jill on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:17 PM

She's venting to you as a friend, let her vent.  She should be able to just come and talk to you without trying to fix things for her.  

Quoting Anonymous:

I love my BFF... she's amazing...but EVERY TIME life gets rough she posts about it on facebook. And EVERY TIME she gets this long list of ppl saying "we can do this for you" "we can help in this way..." etc and she always says "no, but thank you."

Today she wrote me a 5 text essay about how she was suffering so bad financially that she couldn't deal anymore. She said she's lost weight bc she isn't eating, bc she has no groceries. She said she "stole" an applesauce from her son so she could have some sort of lunch today. She said she took from his college fund to pay her mortgage.

I had asked her to make a cake for my daughter's birthday (she makes amazing cakes) and she charged me $60. I told her I would double the cost, so she could have some extra money, and because DH and I have come into some extra funds, and I am more than happy to do this.

She says no, that she'll "Survive until thursday" when she gets paid again, and that she'll have enough money for groceries, gas etc at that time. Suddenly, things aren't so bad and she's not suffering nearly as much.

It pisses me off. Don't tell me you are starving and miserable, then say "no it's totally okay." It's not okay. I'm your friend. I WANT to help. I WANT to make you smile. I WANT you to be healthy and happy... you and your son both. Don't appeal to my generosity and kindness then turn me down. It's downright insulting.

Quoting Bethsunshine:

That's why I don't offer help. I don't have time or patience to deal with attention seeking Drama Queens.




"Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification"  Romans 14:19

Sassy762
by CAFE SASSY HBIC on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:17 PM

<------lost

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:20 PM

But when you AREN'T getting by, and you appeal to someone's kindness, you are insulting and offending by not accepting help.

I have been there too. In fact my husband and I came out of a really hard time financially and things were looking nasty for us. It was hard. REALLY hard. But when someone offered to have us over for dinner, we accepted. When someone said they had an extra loaf of bread or some gas in a gas can in the garage, we allowed them to bring it over.

God doesn't want us to cheat others out of a blessing. And it really does. When you are on THIS side of that blessing- the giving side- it is offensive, rude and hurtful that you would put yourself out there and offer to make a sacrifice for someone else, and they don't value that sacrifice.

Doing it on your own and standing on your own two feet without accepting help is SELFISH. You aren't seeing the whole picture. You see your personal problems and you are saying "I'd rather suffer miserably than accept your help." What EXACTLY are you communicating here? Nothing good.

You have to allow others to support you. That's what relationships are ABOUT. That's what love IS. That's why we invest so much into our friends and family... so we can support and love one another when times get rough. And it's a JOY and PLEASURE to pour into someone's life like that. When you deny me that opportunity, you are denying God's peace in your own life. You are denying His help. When God says to me "You need to help this person out" and you refuse my help, you are denying ME the right to live in God's grace and follow His will. It's a big freaking deal. And it's not just about you.

Quoting jillbailey26:

They want to do it on their own, but it's hard (and they're allowed to "whine and complain" about it).  It doesn't mean they need saving, it means they want to get through the hard times on their own.  

When they say no, they're not pissing all over generosity.  They're standing on their own two feet and they'll be stronger in the end for it.  I've been there, I know exactly how it feels and I'm much better off.


manicMOM_DLC
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:20 PM
I kind of love you right now.

I'm a whiner every one in a while and usually don't accept help. If I'm perceived as ungrateful when I decline your offer for help then a) you don't know me because I'm a survivor and so it mostly on my own and b) you aren't really a friend or that generous if you take my decline as a dent in my character.


Quoting jillbailey26:

They want to do it on their own, but it's hard (and they're allowed to "whine and complain" about it).  It doesn't mean they need saving, it means they want to get through the hard times on their own.  

When they say no, they're not pissing all over generosity.  They're standing on their own two feet and they'll be stronger in the end for it.  I've been there, I know exactly how it feels and I'm much better off.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
jillbailey26
by Jill on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:40 PM

You're not inviting her over for dinner.  At least it seems like you weren't.  It seems like you wanted to step in and fix her problem.  Not everyone wants that.  

I have never found it offensive when someone declined my help.  I just figure that they don't want it because they want to survive on their own.  To me, that's admirable.  Definitely not selfish.  Especially in a world where everyone is simply looking for handouts wherever they can get it.

Love is also allowing your friend to dump all over you and just listen.  Not fix, not interject, not give advice (unless asked), but to just listen.  That's what love and support is.  If she truly needs your help, she will ask and then you will be there for her like a great friend would be.

You're doing your part.  If you feel God is telling you to help your friend, you're trying.  You can't MAKE her accept your help and by her denying your help isn't denying God's peace.  You're not God.  She'll get peace from God if she chooses to have it.

Quoting Anonymous:

But when you AREN'T getting by, and you appeal to someone's kindness, you are insulting and offending by not accepting help.

I have been there too. In fact my husband and I came out of a really hard time financially and things were looking nasty for us. It was hard. REALLY hard. But when someone offered to have us over for dinner, we accepted. When someone said they had an extra loaf of bread or some gas in a gas can in the garage, we allowed them to bring it over.

God doesn't want us to cheat others out of a blessing. And it really does. When you are on THIS side of that blessing- the giving side- it is offensive, rude and hurtful that you would put yourself out there and offer to make a sacrifice for someone else, and they don't value that sacrifice.

Doing it on your own and standing on your own two feet without accepting help is SELFISH. You aren't seeing the whole picture. You see your personal problems and you are saying "I'd rather suffer miserably than accept your help." What EXACTLY are you communicating here? Nothing good.

You have to allow others to support you. That's what relationships are ABOUT. That's what love IS. That's why we invest so much into our friends and family... so we can support and love one another when times get rough. And it's a JOY and PLEASURE to pour into someone's life like that. When you deny me that opportunity, you are denying God's peace in your own life. You are denying His help. When God says to me "You need to help this person out" and you refuse my help, you are denying ME the right to live in God's grace and follow His will. It's a big freaking deal. And it's not just about you.

Quoting jillbailey26:

They want to do it on their own, but it's hard (and they're allowed to "whine and complain" about it).  It doesn't mean they need saving, it means they want to get through the hard times on their own.  

When they say no, they're not pissing all over generosity.  They're standing on their own two feet and they'll be stronger in the end for it.  I've been there, I know exactly how it feels and I'm much better off.




"Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification"  Romans 14:19

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Dec. 3, 2012 at 4:00 PM

Well i completely 100% disagree...but I'm not here to get you to agree with me. More here to vent, and hope that some whiner out there might read this, get it, and allow someone to help them.

What I'm talking about is a person who REPEATEDLY complains. And yes, one who repeatedly overreacts and overexaggerates.

And you are right- toward HER, I listened, offered to help, she denied it, so I encouraged her, told her I was there for her, and let it go. She thanked me for offering to help and for listening.

But INSIDE, I'm angry. I'm her friend. I have tried to help her SO MANY times in the last few years. Clearly, when you are starving yourself so your child can eat, you CAN NOT do it on your own. She has never ONCE accepted my help. Never. I get tired of hearing her complain and whine and then flat out refuse help. On every count. Not just to me, to others as well. And over and over and over again she tells these stories of dire, unexplainable difficulties, and desperate times...and never. Not me, not anyone else. Never does she let someone help. It's PRIDE. It's SELFISH. It's WRONG.

Quoting jillbailey26:

You're not inviting her over for dinner.  At least it seems like you weren't.  It seems like you wanted to step in and fix her problem.  Not everyone wants that.  

I have never found it offensive when someone declined my help.  I just figure that they don't want it because they want to survive on their own.  To me, that's admirable.  Definitely not selfish.  Especially in a world where everyone is simply looking for handouts wherever they can get it.

Love is also allowing your friend to dump all over you and just listen.  Not fix, not interject, not give advice (unless asked), but to just listen.  That's what love and support is.  If she truly needs your help, she will ask and then you will be there for her like a great friend would be.

You're doing your part.  If you feel God is telling you to help your friend, you're trying.  You can't MAKE her accept your help and by her denying your help isn't denying God's peace.  You're not God.  She'll get peace from God if she chooses to have it.

Quoting Anonymous:

But when you AREN'T getting by, and you appeal to someone's kindness, you are insulting and offending by not accepting help.

I have been there too. In fact my husband and I came out of a really hard time financially and things were looking nasty for us. It was hard. REALLY hard. But when someone offered to have us over for dinner, we accepted. When someone said they had an extra loaf of bread or some gas in a gas can in the garage, we allowed them to bring it over.

God doesn't want us to cheat others out of a blessing. And it really does. When you are on THIS side of that blessing- the giving side- it is offensive, rude and hurtful that you would put yourself out there and offer to make a sacrifice for someone else, and they don't value that sacrifice.

Doing it on your own and standing on your own two feet without accepting help is SELFISH. You aren't seeing the whole picture. You see your personal problems and you are saying "I'd rather suffer miserably than accept your help." What EXACTLY are you communicating here? Nothing good.

You have to allow others to support you. That's what relationships are ABOUT. That's what love IS. That's why we invest so much into our friends and family... so we can support and love one another when times get rough. And it's a JOY and PLEASURE to pour into someone's life like that. When you deny me that opportunity, you are denying God's peace in your own life. You are denying His help. When God says to me "You need to help this person out" and you refuse my help, you are denying ME the right to live in God's grace and follow His will. It's a big freaking deal. And it's not just about you.

Quoting jillbailey26:

They want to do it on their own, but it's hard (and they're allowed to "whine and complain" about it).  It doesn't mean they need saving, it means they want to get through the hard times on their own.  

When they say no, they're not pissing all over generosity.  They're standing on their own two feet and they'll be stronger in the end for it.  I've been there, I know exactly how it feels and I'm much better off.




Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured