ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE TIME.
I don't get help from my husband who works all the time, there is no baby sitter, or daycare, or anything, I am a SAHM who rarely even leves the house.
I don't want to have 2 little lives depending on me for survival EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. I love my kids, and I love being a mom.... But I do not care for having the world on my shoulders with no relief 24/7/365.
Is it so much to ask for like an hour a day for me to recharge and not have to be the only person my kids can depend on??? My kids are 2 and 9 months. Someone always needs something, even if they are amusing themselves for a few minutes, its not like I can disconnect, I still have to listen for them and constantly wonder what thy are doing and if they are okay.
Before you comment that being on CM is a break, my 2yo is whining at my feet and I have my baby in my lap.
ETA : Title :I don't want to be a mom , CONTINUED, "ALLLLL THE TIME"....
I did not mean I do not want to be a mom, I meant I do not want to be mom all the time, cant I just be (insert my name here) for a few minutes a day???
I take care of my kids, love them, teach them, adore them, have my world revolve around them, I am an great mom, they are happy, loved and amazing, motherhood is the very best thing to happen to me and I am very thankful to be a mama.
THAT BEING SAID, I lose myself and that joy when I dont get even 5 damn minutes to myself or a shower where my 2 year old isn't in there with me. Shit, I even breastfeed and CO-SLEEP with both kids so I literally NEVER get to be ALONE.
So, I would like to thank everyone for all of the support, encouragement, advice and understanding that I recieved through this post. I would also like to take a moment to say that all of the negative comments do not make me feel bad, so though you tried, you have failed, find another woman to try and break down because you are NOTHING to me, its the internet.
Furthermore, I would like to respond to the comment of why do I not hire a baby sitter, etc. Well, I do not have any family that is trustworthy with my kids, and I sure as heck will never trust a stranger to watch my kids as long as I can help it, no matter how many background checks they do, you NEVER know what someone is capable of, and in addition, my mom was molested in a daycare when she was a child, so I know it happens.
I LOVE being a SAHM, I prepared to let go of selfishness and living life for me the moment I decided to have kids. That being said, I think its not expecting too much to think that before the kids are actually here that you will get time to EXHALE either from help from your husband, or what have you. THATS what I thought going into motherhood, that my husband would be AVAILABLE to give me relief when things get rough. Turns out he got a new job working nights soon after our 1st born and he commutes 2hrs one way(4hrs round trip). So I dont get him to help. He sleeps when he is home.
On the comment that said asking for an hour a day is too much, its not like I need to be AWAY for a whole hour, I just want 1 hour (or so) where I am not the ONLY one my kids can depend on. I also let my husband read this, and we talked, he said there is no way he can be home more than he is, which I knew. He did say that if its really that badly needed he will sacrifice sleep to give me some time to myself, which I most likely will NOT take him up on because that is not fair to him.
I'm trying to look into play groups but there are none in my area(small town). And I do not drive so I cant commute to a group... And last but not least, my husband took me out with the kids the past 2 days, it wasnt a break from the kids, but I was able to leave these 4 walls, so that HELPED and I feel more sane for the time being lol.