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Will I Ever Not Resent Him for Cheating? For Breaking Us? For breaking me? *long vent*

Posted by Anonymous
  • 27 Replies

He broke me, he broke us.

Over the last two years he has repeatedly had inappropriate sexual chats with strangers, ex-lovers online and through text messages. I've caught him three times. He did it for months at the beginning of our relationship. Said he was scared things were moving too quickly. He said he'd stop. It broke my heart. I was devistated. I choose to forgive him.

I worked on rebuilding the trust and put it behind me. We got pregnant. He was our miracle baby. I was told due to medical reasons that it would be unlikely I could get pregnant. I was terrified. Afraid I would lose the baby and just starting law school. I needed a new career path. I was busy with work and traveling a lot. Came home from a trip and noticed a cup that wasn't mine. One of those plastic travel cups. I hadn't even noticed he was being distant because I was so busy.  I found out he was having those conversations again. Seeking out women on Adult Friend Finder to talk and saw in his text message history on our bill that he had an Ex girlfriend over to our house while I wasn't home. I stewed for a couple days and eventually blew my shit and confront him. He says its all fantasy and he thought if be jealous of the ex if I knew. Says nothing physical happened they just caught up. He even hid when she came back to get her cup. Said she needed legal advise. Blah blah blah.

I'm crushed, he says its my fault because we're fighting. I'm having a hard time with his MIL. She's a pain in my ass. May have good intentions but says things in an offensive manner. She wants to control everything and everyone.

Then DS is born things are rough. MIL wanted to stay with us and I start to grow a spine(it's not my job to fulfill her dreams), but its hard to go from being a doormat to someone with some balls. We but heads. He's my son and I'm tired of accommodating his shit and his family. I had to share my first Mother's Day. I didn't want his mom to move in to watch our son, I don't want his pot-head parents driving our son back and forth twice a day to their house either. I don't feel it's safe. I didn't want to leave my son with them when he was 2 months old over night or over the weekend. You name it, we've fought about it.

Then I find out about a month after it started that he gave me a birthday present of more chats with women. Who sent him sexy photos. I'm sick of it. I tell him this is it. You do this again and I'm gone. LO and he can have a relationship but he won't live with us anymore.
 He's an ungrateful bastard who takes advantage and I let him. It's my fault for being a doormat, but damn it if He won't apologize for what he did to me. He apologized for what he got caught doing. But never acknowledged the hurt he caused. I feel like every request to visit his family is a trial on my patience. His family knows were fighting and he lies to them. He's a liar and a cheat.

I don't want to break up my family but I'm just not sure if it will stick this time. I'm tired of fighting when he would rather just walk away from the discussion because he thinks it can never be fixed. Which I think means he doesn't want fix it. He may not chat with these women anymore, but I still want that apology.

I sometimes resent nice things I do because he can't accept ownership of what he did. He just says well I guess I'm an asshole. I think I've shut down. I think I have turned off my feelings of anything but anger and sadness towards him. I feel like were broken. It is absolutely the worst feeling in the world and not something I ever expected nor think I deserved.


Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 5, 2012 at 1:14 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 1:24 AM
So sorry. He did it, and you are sticking around. You could leave him you know.
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by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 1:25 AM
You will never not resent him because it keeps happening. Respect yourself to say enough is enough and get out.
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by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 1:36 AM
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Been there! Not kids with the ex, but the sex stuff was there, and lack of ownership. I divorced him. Ive not regreted it at all. It hurts like hell i kove him. But i will never trust him. He did this not me. So if ican you can. Sounds like u have suport on your side of the family, take and leave hi liying cheating ass!
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 5, 2012 at 7:39 AM
Giving up on a relationship was not a family value I was taught. Don't get me wrong, I've thought about leaving, but decided I wanted to work it out. The problem I have now is I want to move forward, but I can't seem to leave it in the past. I think that if he were to apologize and take ownership for what he did I could do that. And in time it would hurt less as most things do.

Until last night I didn't realize I resented him. I couldn't put a word to the feeling. Summed it up to being frustrated. He thinks I take my anger at him out on his family and that's probably true to some extent. I don't want to do that either. He says the reasons I don't like his family is because I don't have good relationships with my parents. This I disagree with, if my parents do or say something I don't like, I tell them. He says I'm rude to my parents. My parents know that I'll tell them when they do something I don't like and they expect it from me. I don't feel like I can do that with his parents. He's too protective and defensive of them.

I think if I were to truly forgive him for what he did I wouldn't resent him. It's the Christian thing to do. But I can't seem to get there this time. Don't know if its because I feel he should be grateful for my compromise or agreement to do anything with his family.

Maybe I'm selfish and perhaps I'm self destructive for staying. I want to entertain any option to resolve this than just leaving. Sigh.
by Gold Member on Dec. 5, 2012 at 7:48 AM
As long as you are still in the situation, you will find it next to impossible to forgive. That is what I discovered with my ex as well. Pm me if you need support, but like you, I have a busy life. But I WILL get back to you!! Sending hugs.
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by Navy Mom on Dec. 5, 2012 at 7:50 AM
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If he keeps doing the same thing over and over again, it's not your fault.  You need to learn to say enough.  You are not married to the man.  Is that a family reproduce with a cheating freeloader who's parents smoke pot?

Do yourself and your son a favor and pave your own path.  Do you want your son being raised in this environment?  You're busting your ass to better yourself, and he's not really doing much to help out.  You can pay someone to take care of your son, and not have half of the stress he's putting you through.  I really don't see this ending well.  It would be better to break it off now than when you do pass the bar and get married to a man who's a habitual cheater (clearly he's got an addiction to on line sex).  You'll wind up divorced and paying palimoney.  Save yourself and your son the heartache.  He's not going to change.  It really should not be this hard to love someone.

by Ruby Member on Dec. 5, 2012 at 8:08 AM
Sounds like you need to leave. He's using you. Period.
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by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 5, 2012 at 8:11 AM

Send his family a copy of all the texts and messages he has sent to other women and then leave for good. At this point you're an enabler for a man-baby who is toxic as hell. You are SOOOOO much better than him, don't let him or his family mistreat you anymore.

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 5, 2012 at 9:37 AM

If I represented him as a complete freeloader, that was incorrect. He has a job, in fact he's an attorney.
 Once upon a time we talked about me being a SAHM and going to school full-time so I could finish my degree. Graduation is long off for me. I'm only in school part-time right now.

Perhaps I'm afraid to leave because he's an attorney. I'm afraid what he'll do when we separate. What will he teach our son? I don't think he'd hurt him. I know that I can't wrap him up in bubble wrap and protect him from everything, but I feel like I have to try.

As for his parents being pot-heads. I'm not anti-pot. I think that there are valid medical reasons to use it and I think he parents don't know how to be without it. They have 2 other grandchildren and there have been no incidents related their smoking that hurt or harmed the children, but that doesn't mean I want them driving LO either.

I feel like leaving is the easy way out. I'm sure I'm not the only woman who has stayed with a SO who has gone outside our marriage and shared himself with another woman. I wouldn't say that I am without self respect, but definitely don't have the self esteem I did at the beginning of our relationship. The cheating has affected my self esteem. I was a confident, sexy, not taking shit happy woman in the beginning. Each and every instance chipped away at it. I wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn't enough. But then I was like f%#^ this! It's not my fault he went out side of the intimacy of our relationship. That he robbed me of that, that he robbed us of that.

I said last night that I think that I'll be more honest with his parents. If I'm pissed at him I'll tell them, it's not you, it's Josh. He thinks that's a threat to tell them about his indiscretions. Which its not. I know he knows what he did is wrong or he would be honest with them and say I messed up and betrayed her. But he won't and I feel like its his tale to tell. If his mother knew what he was doing she might treat me better only because his father cheated on her. He had physical affairs, a real piece of work. Emptied his kids trusts to fund whatever scheme he was working on at the time. He doesn't talk to his father after this. Yet I'm the one with a bad relationship with my parents. Granted they aren't angels and they've wrong me, but I forgave them and I've moved forward.

All of this suddenly came to a head after I was trying to make a compromise for holiday visits with our family. He says my personal attacks about how he doesn't know how to be a family unit and what ever else I spewed at him hurt him. Wedding is in t-minus 16 days. He thinks I'm fighting with him because I don't want to get married. I'm fighting because I want to save our relationship. I want to have a resolution. I want our vows to mean something.

I want to forgive him and I don't think an apology is too much to ask if it means it can mend our relationship.

by Anonymous 3 on Dec. 6, 2012 at 7:36 AM
He sounds exactly like my ex. Leaving him was the best decision I have ever made in my life!
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