Will I Ever Not Resent Him for Cheating? For Breaking Us? For breaking me? *long vent*
He broke me, he broke us.
Over the last two years he has repeatedly had inappropriate sexual chats with strangers, ex-lovers online and through text messages. I've caught him three times. He did it for months at the beginning of our relationship. Said he was scared things were moving too quickly. He said he'd stop. It broke my heart. I was devistated. I choose to forgive him.
I worked on rebuilding the trust and put it behind me. We got pregnant. He was our miracle baby. I was told due to medical reasons that it would be unlikely I could get pregnant. I was terrified. Afraid I would lose the baby and just starting law school. I needed a new career path. I was busy with work and traveling a lot. Came home from a trip and noticed a cup that wasn't mine. One of those plastic travel cups. I hadn't even noticed he was being distant because I was so busy. I found out he was having those conversations again. Seeking out women on Adult Friend Finder to talk and saw in his text message history on our bill that he had an Ex girlfriend over to our house while I wasn't home. I stewed for a couple days and eventually blew my shit and confront him. He says its all fantasy and he thought if be jealous of the ex if I knew. Says nothing physical happened they just caught up. He even hid when she came back to get her cup. Said she needed legal advise. Blah blah blah.
I'm crushed, he says its my fault because we're fighting. I'm having a hard time with his MIL. She's a pain in my ass. May have good intentions but says things in an offensive manner. She wants to control everything and everyone.
Then DS is born things are rough. MIL wanted to stay with us and I start to grow a spine(it's not my job to fulfill her dreams), but its hard to go from being a doormat to someone with some balls. We but heads. He's my son and I'm tired of accommodating his shit and his family. I had to share my first Mother's Day. I didn't want his mom to move in to watch our son, I don't want his pot-head parents driving our son back and forth twice a day to their house either. I don't feel it's safe. I didn't want to leave my son with them when he was 2 months old over night or over the weekend. You name it, we've fought about it.
Then I find out about a month after it started that he gave me a birthday present of more chats with women. Who sent him sexy photos. I'm sick of it. I tell him this is it. You do this again and I'm gone. LO and he can have a relationship but he won't live with us anymore.
He's an ungrateful bastard who takes advantage and I let him. It's my fault for being a doormat, but damn it if He won't apologize for what he did to me. He apologized for what he got caught doing. But never acknowledged the hurt he caused. I feel like every request to visit his family is a trial on my patience. His family knows were fighting and he lies to them. He's a liar and a cheat.
I don't want to break up my family but I'm just not sure if it will stick this time. I'm tired of fighting when he would rather just walk away from the discussion because he thinks it can never be fixed. Which I think means he doesn't want fix it. He may not chat with these women anymore, but I still want that apology.
I sometimes resent nice things I do because he can't accept ownership of what he did. He just says well I guess I'm an asshole. I think I've shut down. I think I have turned off my feelings of anything but anger and sadness towards him. I feel like were broken. It is absolutely the worst feeling in the world and not something I ever expected nor think I deserved.