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DH never wants sex any more and it is really getting to me :(

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

To start off with I know he is not cheating...He goes to work and comes home...we have access to each others emails, passwords, cellphones ect..

DH would rather sit on the couch and stare at the damn TV then to be intimate with me :( I have tried to speak with him, I have tried to ask him for sex, I have tried to come on to him, I have bought lingerie and still he just doesn't seem interested..

It makes me feel undesired..I spend alot of nights on the couch crying because it just makes me feel like he is no longer interested in me...I have now gave up asking or trying to get him in the mood do to fear of rejection..I just no longer know what to do

Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 5, 2012 at 10:02 AM
Replies (41-50):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 12 on Dec. 5, 2012 at 11:40 AM
How do you know if he isn't cheating on u at work??? And whatever contact he has on the phone as boy can be a girl???
Mrs.Kubalabuku
by Ruby Member on Dec. 5, 2012 at 1:53 PM

Well, those are the four most common culprits.  How long have you been together?  When do you try to get sex going?  When you do have sex, is it good?  How often are you having sex now?

You can't force him to be sexual with you.  But you can try to change your attitude and approach!

1.  Look for other ways to be intimate.  Do you two still get to go out and do the things you originally enjoyed together?  Do you still get to talk as much and bond?  Consider wearing his comfy t shirt and a pair of panties and cuddling up under a blanket with him while he watches TV.  Instead of being upset and getting jealous, just find a way to make what you have special, and sex should come around again.  More things you can do: hop in the shower with him and help him scrub his back.  Rub his feet after work.  Give him a shoulder massage.
2.  Take the pressure off.  Sometimes just KNOWING how much we women put into the meaning of sex can be off-putting to a man.  DH sometimes gets so wound up worrying if I'm going to enjoy myself, if i'll be hurt if he isn't that into it, etc etc that he doesn't even want to try.  Stop with the crying and go back to #1.  He'll start to figure out he can enjoy your presence without the pressure of a sexual performance, which ironically could bring his drive back up!
3.  Keep open communication going.  This is an important time for YOU as a woman and wife.  You can learn a lot about yourself here by analyzing WHY sex is such a big part of your relationship.  Sex is important to most people, of course.  But a healthy relationship has so much more than that.  Use this as a chance to evaluate your marriage and make sure you are building a healthy foundation all around.  Throughout your lives there will be periods where sex is off the table.  It could be medical, or distance, or just a lost drive for a while.  So make sure you are still connecting in other ways.  If you find you are not, start taking steps to fix it.  If you rarely talk anymore, start sending the kids to bed early here and there and have conversations.  If you aren't bonding, figure out how to do more date nights.  If you are both changing b/c of family, start having more family days so EVERYONE can bond.  Find more to help the glue of your marriage.
4.  If it persists, consider counseling.  If he won't go with you, go alone. 

Quoting Anonymous:

1) we are both in our 20's..we have no insurance so he can't go to the doctor

2)nope he is not on any medicine

3) just the typical stress, but that was the same as it is was before

4) honestly no!! I take a shower and shave every day..I do my hair and makeup every day...I get dressed every day even when I have no where to go...I weigh the same now as I did before we got married

Quoting Mrs.Kubalabuku:

1.  How old are you guys?  Sometimes, the drive in a man goes down with age.  You could ask him to see the doctor to get his testosterone levels checked.
2.  Is he on any medications?  Many medications have sexual side effects, literally making it harder for the man to maintain an erection.  Or even get one!
3.  Are you in any life stresses right now?  Men are often affected by stress.  Too much stress, the drive goes down.  It could be work stress, holiday stress, financial, medical, etc...
4.  HAVE you let yourself go?  Be honest.  A man can still be very much in love with his wife, but that spark can dampen if she isn't taking care of her appearance.  Not saying you need to look like the day you met, but on a daily basis, you should cover the basics of hygiene and appearance. 

Quoting Anonymous:

I have tried talking to him about it many times and he really doesn't have alot to say except he does want me, he does desire me he does want sex with ect ect...He is all talk and no action and you know how that is action speaks louder then words...I think I will try writing a letter today and giving it to him..because this is really taking a toll on me emotionally

Quoting MountieMama:

Will he talk about it?

Maybe write him a letter? You can get your feelings out and it's not an emotional mess.

Remember to use "when you ______ it makes me feel _____" not things like "you don't love me " or you think I'm ugly". Those make people defensive.





Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Dec. 5, 2012 at 2:08 PM

We have been together for over 10 years...I have tried at all different times, first thing in the morning, middle of the day, after the kids are in bed and even in the middle of the night.....Sex is amazing when we have it...Right now we are down to once in the past month and that was out anniversary..

I know I can't force him to be sexual with me however at my age I all so can't live in a sexless marriage :
(

1) In the past year we have been finally able to stary going out again like we use to :) We do talk as long as he doesn't have the TV going. I have tried to put on just one of his T's and cuddle with him, however he just ignored me and toons in to the TV..we take showers together a few times a week..sorry i am not touching those feet...lol

2) I normally cry when he is not around so he doesn't see that very often.he knows I enjoy sex with him very much I tell him all the time what a great lover he is.

3) I want counceling I have asked him to attend with me, but he doesn't feel that we need it..I think I may just begin going myself...I just worry he is no longer in to me and he won't open up very much to me..I am going to try and write him a letter expressing my concerns and feeling with him..but if that doesn't work then I am just going to start doing my own thing and stop worrying about the intimate part of our marriage until he decides to come around.

I just feel lost because he will sit there and brag to friends how he can have sex with me whenever he wants and he never has to beg like they do and they I have a high sex drive, but then he turns around and doesn't want me

Quoting Mrs.Kubalabuku:

Well, those are the four most common culprits.  How long have you been together?  When do you try to get sex going?  When you do have sex, is it good?  How often are you having sex now?

You can't force him to be sexual with you.  But you can try to change your attitude and approach!

1.  Look for other ways to be intimate.  Do you two still get to go out and do the things you originally enjoyed together?  Do you still get to talk as much and bond?  Consider wearing his comfy t shirt and a pair of panties and cuddling up under a blanket with him while he watches TV.  Instead of being upset and getting jealous, just find a way to make what you have special, and sex should come around again.  More things you can do: hop in the shower with him and help him scrub his back.  Rub his feet after work.  Give him a shoulder massage.
2.  Take the pressure off.  Sometimes just KNOWING how much we women put into the meaning of sex can be off-putting to a man.  DH sometimes gets so wound up worrying if I'm going to enjoy myself, if i'll be hurt if he isn't that into it, etc etc that he doesn't even want to try.  Stop with the crying and go back to #1.  He'll start to figure out he can enjoy your presence without the pressure of a sexual performance, which ironically could bring his drive back up!
3.  Keep open communication going.  This is an important time for YOU as a woman and wife.  You can learn a lot about yourself here by analyzing WHY sex is such a big part of your relationship.  Sex is important to most people, of course.  But a healthy relationship has so much more than that.  Use this as a chance to evaluate your marriage and make sure you are building a healthy foundation all around.  Throughout your lives there will be periods where sex is off the table.  It could be medical, or distance, or just a lost drive for a while.  So make sure you are still connecting in other ways.  If you find you are not, start taking steps to fix it.  If you rarely talk anymore, start sending the kids to bed early here and there and have conversations.  If you aren't bonding, figure out how to do more date nights.  If you are both changing b/c of family, start having more family days so EVERYONE can bond.  Find more to help the glue of your marriage.
4.  If it persists, consider counseling.  If he won't go with you, go alone. 

Quoting Anonymous:

1) we are both in our 20's..we have no insurance so he can't go to the doctor

2)nope he is not on any medicine

3) just the typical stress, but that was the same as it is was before

4) honestly no!! I take a shower and shave every day..I do my hair and makeup every day...I get dressed every day even when I have no where to go...I weigh the same now as I did before we got married

Quoting Mrs.Kubalabuku:

1.  How old are you guys?  Sometimes, the drive in a man goes down with age.  You could ask him to see the doctor to get his testosterone levels checked.
2.  Is he on any medications?  Many medications have sexual side effects, literally making it harder for the man to maintain an erection.  Or even get one!
3.  Are you in any life stresses right now?  Men are often affected by stress.  Too much stress, the drive goes down.  It could be work stress, holiday stress, financial, medical, etc...
4.  HAVE you let yourself go?  Be honest.  A man can still be very much in love with his wife, but that spark can dampen if she isn't taking care of her appearance.  Not saying you need to look like the day you met, but on a daily basis, you should cover the basics of hygiene and appearance. 

Quoting Anonymous:

I have tried talking to him about it many times and he really doesn't have alot to say except he does want me, he does desire me he does want sex with ect ect...He is all talk and no action and you know how that is action speaks louder then words...I think I will try writing a letter today and giving it to him..because this is really taking a toll on me emotionally

Quoting MountieMama:

Will he talk about it?

Maybe write him a letter? You can get your feelings out and it's not an emotional mess.

Remember to use "when you ______ it makes me feel _____" not things like "you don't love me " or you think I'm ugly". Those make people defensive.






Mrs.Kubalabuku
by Ruby Member on Dec. 5, 2012 at 2:51 PM

Maybe it is time to start limiting screen  time in your house?  Are there particular shows he likes to watch?  Could those be recorded or watched, then turn it off?

10 years is kind of a normal "slump" for many marriages.  The dynamics are changing again, which can throw things off.  Men tend to hit their sexual peak in their twenties, women hit it in their thirties or forties.  The kids are usually getting older by this point, and therefore don't take up as much time on a nightly basis.

Have you considered getting yourself some toys?

And yes, DO go to counseling ALONE.  A good therapist can usually get him to follow you in after a while by simply suggesting changes you can make.  He'll curious about the changes in you and come to learn more.

Quoting Anonymous:

We have been together for over 10 years...I have tried at all different times, first thing in the morning, middle of the day, after the kids are in bed and even in the middle of the night.....Sex is amazing when we have it...Right now we are down to once in the past month and that was out anniversary..

I know I can't force him to be sexual with me however at my age I all so can't live in a sexless marriage :
(

1) In the past year we have been finally able to stary going out again like we use to :) We do talk as long as he doesn't have the TV going. I have tried to put on just one of his T's and cuddle with him, however he just ignored me and toons in to the TV..we take showers together a few times a week..sorry i am not touching those feet...lol

2) I normally cry when he is not around so he doesn't see that very often.he knows I enjoy sex with him very much I tell him all the time what a great lover he is.

3) I want counceling I have asked him to attend with me, but he doesn't feel that we need it..I think I may just begin going myself...I just worry he is no longer in to me and he won't open up very much to me..I am going to try and write him a letter expressing my concerns and feeling with him..but if that doesn't work then I am just going to start doing my own thing and stop worrying about the intimate part of our marriage until he decides to come around.

I just feel lost because he will sit there and brag to friends how he can have sex with me whenever he wants and he never has to beg like they do and they I have a high sex drive, but then he turns around and doesn't want me

Quoting Mrs.Kubalabuku:

Well, those are the four most common culprits.  How long have you been together?  When do you try to get sex going?  When you do have sex, is it good?  How often are you having sex now?

You can't force him to be sexual with you.  But you can try to change your attitude and approach!

1.  Look for other ways to be intimate.  Do you two still get to go out and do the things you originally enjoyed together?  Do you still get to talk as much and bond?  Consider wearing his comfy t shirt and a pair of panties and cuddling up under a blanket with him while he watches TV.  Instead of being upset and getting jealous, just find a way to make what you have special, and sex should come around again.  More things you can do: hop in the shower with him and help him scrub his back.  Rub his feet after work.  Give him a shoulder massage.
2.  Take the pressure off.  Sometimes just KNOWING how much we women put into the meaning of sex can be off-putting to a man.  DH sometimes gets so wound up worrying if I'm going to enjoy myself, if i'll be hurt if he isn't that into it, etc etc that he doesn't even want to try.  Stop with the crying and go back to #1.  He'll start to figure out he can enjoy your presence without the pressure of a sexual performance, which ironically could bring his drive back up!
3.  Keep open communication going.  This is an important time for YOU as a woman and wife.  You can learn a lot about yourself here by analyzing WHY sex is such a big part of your relationship.  Sex is important to most people, of course.  But a healthy relationship has so much more than that.  Use this as a chance to evaluate your marriage and make sure you are building a healthy foundation all around.  Throughout your lives there will be periods where sex is off the table.  It could be medical, or distance, or just a lost drive for a while.  So make sure you are still connecting in other ways.  If you find you are not, start taking steps to fix it.  If you rarely talk anymore, start sending the kids to bed early here and there and have conversations.  If you aren't bonding, figure out how to do more date nights.  If you are both changing b/c of family, start having more family days so EVERYONE can bond.  Find more to help the glue of your marriage.
4.  If it persists, consider counseling.  If he won't go with you, go alone. 

Quoting Anonymous:

1) we are both in our 20's..we have no insurance so he can't go to the doctor

2)nope he is not on any medicine

3) just the typical stress, but that was the same as it is was before

4) honestly no!! I take a shower and shave every day..I do my hair and makeup every day...I get dressed every day even when I have no where to go...I weigh the same now as I did before we got married

Quoting Mrs.Kubalabuku:

1.  How old are you guys?  Sometimes, the drive in a man goes down with age.  You could ask him to see the doctor to get his testosterone levels checked.
2.  Is he on any medications?  Many medications have sexual side effects, literally making it harder for the man to maintain an erection.  Or even get one!
3.  Are you in any life stresses right now?  Men are often affected by stress.  Too much stress, the drive goes down.  It could be work stress, holiday stress, financial, medical, etc...
4.  HAVE you let yourself go?  Be honest.  A man can still be very much in love with his wife, but that spark can dampen if she isn't taking care of her appearance.  Not saying you need to look like the day you met, but on a daily basis, you should cover the basics of hygiene and appearance. 

Quoting Anonymous:

I have tried talking to him about it many times and he really doesn't have alot to say except he does want me, he does desire me he does want sex with ect ect...He is all talk and no action and you know how that is action speaks louder then words...I think I will try writing a letter today and giving it to him..because this is really taking a toll on me emotionally

Quoting MountieMama:

Will he talk about it?

Maybe write him a letter? You can get your feelings out and it's not an emotional mess.

Remember to use "when you ______ it makes me feel _____" not things like "you don't love me " or you think I'm ugly". Those make people defensive.







Anonymous
by Anonymous 13 on Dec. 5, 2012 at 3:01 PM
Prance around him naked...then sit right next to him and start playing w urself...maybe that will turn him on.
Jessica_Esqueda
by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 3:03 PM

We've only had sex 3 times in 2.5 years. I feel you. Keep doing what you're doing, and try to talk to him. There is probably something else going on.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 14 on Dec. 5, 2012 at 3:09 PM
I'm sorry Hun :( if your trying and he's not interested I hardly think its you.. maybe he's going thru a hard time with something that he isn't ready to share with you, whether its out of embarrassment or he doesn't want to stress you out.. the last time you did have sex, did you dosomething different that you normally don't do? my dh went thru a time like what your describing.. come to find out, the last time we had sex I did something that triggered a bad memory for him and he was embarrassed to bring it up so he just put off sex. write him a letter or email explaining how you feel and maybe he'll come around and talk about his lack of interest. or just ask him if something is bothering him.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Dec. 5, 2012 at 4:12 PM

I have asked him to limit Tv time, I have suggested that he watch two of his favorite shows a night and then spend time with me...We don't have cable we have netflix so he could watch them anytime he wants....

I do have toys however he doesn't like it if i take care of myself....

Quoting Mrs.Kubalabuku:

Maybe it is time to start limiting screen  time in your house?  Are there particular shows he likes to watch?  Could those be recorded or watched, then turn it off?

10 years is kind of a normal "slump" for many marriages.  The dynamics are changing again, which can throw things off.  Men tend to hit their sexual peak in their twenties, women hit it in their thirties or forties.  The kids are usually getting older by this point, and therefore don't take up as much time on a nightly basis.

Have you considered getting yourself some toys?

And yes, DO go to counseling ALONE.  A good therapist can usually get him to follow you in after a while by simply suggesting changes you can make.  He'll curious about the changes in you and come to learn more.

Quoting Anonymous:

We have been together for over 10 years...I have tried at all different times, first thing in the morning, middle of the day, after the kids are in bed and even in the middle of the night.....Sex is amazing when we have it...Right now we are down to once in the past month and that was out anniversary..

I know I can't force him to be sexual with me however at my age I all so can't live in a sexless marriage :
(

1) In the past year we have been finally able to stary going out again like we use to :) We do talk as long as he doesn't have the TV going. I have tried to put on just one of his T's and cuddle with him, however he just ignored me and toons in to the TV..we take showers together a few times a week..sorry i am not touching those feet...lol

2) I normally cry when he is not around so he doesn't see that very often.he knows I enjoy sex with him very much I tell him all the time what a great lover he is.

3) I want counceling I have asked him to attend with me, but he doesn't feel that we need it..I think I may just begin going myself...I just worry he is no longer in to me and he won't open up very much to me..I am going to try and write him a letter expressing my concerns and feeling with him..but if that doesn't work then I am just going to start doing my own thing and stop worrying about the intimate part of our marriage until he decides to come around.

I just feel lost because he will sit there and brag to friends how he can have sex with me whenever he wants and he never has to beg like they do and they I have a high sex drive, but then he turns around and doesn't want me

Quoting Mrs.Kubalabuku:

Well, those are the four most common culprits.  How long have you been together?  When do you try to get sex going?  When you do have sex, is it good?  How often are you having sex now?

You can't force him to be sexual with you.  But you can try to change your attitude and approach!

1.  Look for other ways to be intimate.  Do you two still get to go out and do the things you originally enjoyed together?  Do you still get to talk as much and bond?  Consider wearing his comfy t shirt and a pair of panties and cuddling up under a blanket with him while he watches TV.  Instead of being upset and getting jealous, just find a way to make what you have special, and sex should come around again.  More things you can do: hop in the shower with him and help him scrub his back.  Rub his feet after work.  Give him a shoulder massage.
2.  Take the pressure off.  Sometimes just KNOWING how much we women put into the meaning of sex can be off-putting to a man.  DH sometimes gets so wound up worrying if I'm going to enjoy myself, if i'll be hurt if he isn't that into it, etc etc that he doesn't even want to try.  Stop with the crying and go back to #1.  He'll start to figure out he can enjoy your presence without the pressure of a sexual performance, which ironically could bring his drive back up!
3.  Keep open communication going.  This is an important time for YOU as a woman and wife.  You can learn a lot about yourself here by analyzing WHY sex is such a big part of your relationship.  Sex is important to most people, of course.  But a healthy relationship has so much more than that.  Use this as a chance to evaluate your marriage and make sure you are building a healthy foundation all around.  Throughout your lives there will be periods where sex is off the table.  It could be medical, or distance, or just a lost drive for a while.  So make sure you are still connecting in other ways.  If you find you are not, start taking steps to fix it.  If you rarely talk anymore, start sending the kids to bed early here and there and have conversations.  If you aren't bonding, figure out how to do more date nights.  If you are both changing b/c of family, start having more family days so EVERYONE can bond.  Find more to help the glue of your marriage.
4.  If it persists, consider counseling.  If he won't go with you, go alone. 

Quoting Anonymous:

1) we are both in our 20's..we have no insurance so he can't go to the doctor

2)nope he is not on any medicine

3) just the typical stress, but that was the same as it is was before

4) honestly no!! I take a shower and shave every day..I do my hair and makeup every day...I get dressed every day even when I have no where to go...I weigh the same now as I did before we got married

Quoting Mrs.Kubalabuku:

1.  How old are you guys?  Sometimes, the drive in a man goes down with age.  You could ask him to see the doctor to get his testosterone levels checked.
2.  Is he on any medications?  Many medications have sexual side effects, literally making it harder for the man to maintain an erection.  Or even get one!
3.  Are you in any life stresses right now?  Men are often affected by stress.  Too much stress, the drive goes down.  It could be work stress, holiday stress, financial, medical, etc...
4.  HAVE you let yourself go?  Be honest.  A man can still be very much in love with his wife, but that spark can dampen if she isn't taking care of her appearance.  Not saying you need to look like the day you met, but on a daily basis, you should cover the basics of hygiene and appearance. 

Quoting Anonymous:

I have tried talking to him about it many times and he really doesn't have alot to say except he does want me, he does desire me he does want sex with ect ect...He is all talk and no action and you know how that is action speaks louder then words...I think I will try writing a letter today and giving it to him..because this is really taking a toll on me emotionally

Quoting MountieMama:

Will he talk about it?

Maybe write him a letter? You can get your feelings out and it's not an emotional mess.

Remember to use "when you ______ it makes me feel _____" not things like "you don't love me " or you think I'm ugly". Those make people defensive.








Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Dec. 5, 2012 at 4:13 PM

He works with all guys :) I know all of his contacts because they are both of our friends.

Quoting Anonymous:

How do you know if he isn't cheating on u at work??? And whatever contact he has on the phone as boy can be a girl???


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Dec. 5, 2012 at 4:15 PM

How do deal with that? If you don't mind me asking why have you only had sex 3 times in 2.5 years?

Quoting Jessica_Esqueda:

We've only had sex 3 times in 2.5 years. I feel you. Keep doing what you're doing, and try to talk to him. There is probably something else going on.


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