i swore that i wouldnt. after ex dropped of DS- well, spent some time playing with him in the house... ex came to give me a hug and say goodbye. i cried. told him not to go. he said he's sorry but he's leaving. i damn near begged him to just stay. i cried even harder.
somehow we ended up on the couch... he's not sure we're good for each other- he used to be able to say it'll be okay and actually mean it; now, he's not so sure. i told him that i know i'm not okay, that i hate who i've become.... but the more he just walks out the door, doesnt contact me, the more i'll shut myself off from him emotionally.
he said it was my decision to break up. he just wanted to take a break. work on ourselves, then come back- stronger.
i told DS that if he wants to hang out with ex again, thats fine, but ex isnt allowed inside of the house. they arent allowed to play together in here. i cant handle it. its hard to know that i love him- but it doesnt matter. no matter how much i love him, i will slowly shut down emotionally... i will become a rock, void of emotions all over again. i will shut down, just so i dont feel the pain i feel now.