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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

***Jokes***(offensive, maybe)

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I know its late, its a Sunday night/Monday morning , but the kids get an extra day off because of budget cuts to their school, and Im bored, so anyone have any jokes, funny pics, etc?? Anything goes, so if you get offended GTFO! thanks




Your mommas so fat if you cut her she bleed chocolate !



Your momma so nasty her crabs bungee jump from her tampon string



Chuck norris has a grizzly bear as his carpet, the bear isnt dead its just afraid to move

*****************


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


******************

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.


by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 5:17 AM
Replies (81-89):
cupcake_mom
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 7:11 AM

still a bronze lol

Quoting RoseBlossom:

oh jeeze before i go to bed im about to rank to silver in three more replies, so might as well...



RoseBlossom
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 7:12 AM
1 mom liked this

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.

Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

RoseBlossom
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 7:12 AM

yippee...im silver...now really off to bed :)

DarkSoloKnight8
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 7:25 AM
Omg I would roll over with a heart attack lmao..


Quoting RoseBlossom:

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and
somewhat lively reaction on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they
would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.


Shortly after that they were married.


A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke
down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told
her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a
small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans

overwhelmed him.


Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could
walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered,
and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All
the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt
reasonably safe.


His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for
dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at
the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point
he was beginning to feel another one coming on.


Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone
rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and
away she went to answer the phone.


While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten
egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned
the air about him.


He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine
revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his
arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge.
This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the
table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.


While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the
hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on
like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with
his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin
on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he
was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.


Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at
the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the
blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"


To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Mychele
by Ruby Member on Dec. 10, 2012 at 7:33 AM
1 mom liked this

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
SOCO101
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 7:36 AM


Quoting RoseBlossom:

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.

Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Holy hell! This was soo funny to me! I'm still laughing!

I'm sorry btw, I think you gonna have a hundred likes from me alone;) I should have just liked your post..sorry again.

CafeMom Tickers
RoseBlossom
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 2:00 PM

---Im back on and just finished cleaning my kitchen and living room (not that much you say? well i say it is cause to celebrate hahah)



A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

RoseBlossom
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 2:01 PM

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

RoseBlossom
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 2:10 PM


snark photobomb

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