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My husband is having/had an Emotional affair

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

I don't know what to do I just found out my husband has been having an emotional affair. I caught him through text on our phone bill, he came clean right away and apologized said nothing physical happened and he would cut off ties.
I feel like the rug pulled out from underneath me, I have never had trust issues and frankly I don't really want too over think it but this is 1 of those things that really makes you question everything. my dad cheated on my mom so for me I just always assume the same thing will happen and now I wonder if it would have or will.
First he pushed the nothing physical happened thing but I explained how investing in somebody else leaves less for your relationship with your wife and messes up the trust.
Guess I just need to vent, not sure what the next step is. Part of me just wants to trust everything's fine but it's such a slippery slope and I hate to leave it open.kwim

Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 10, 2012 at 11:30 PM
Replies (31-40):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:40 AM

It makes me sick! We were just doing a 8 weeks marriage study with other church couples. I felt it really opened up communication and the whole time he was chatting with her..

 Again a good reason to feel stupid. We are like most couples, home owner stress, small kid stress and lots of working but now I know why I have felt some kind of disconnect... We don't have a bad marriage, didn't think we did. I actually felt that with all our faults he was very much in love with me. Not sure if you can be and still risk what could have come from this.

Quoting brettsmomma:

Your next step needs to be counseling. The two of you need to get down and dirty and find out why is it he felt the need to become emotionally involved with another person. 


bmw29
by spitfire_bobbie on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:40 AM

What was in these texts that leads you to believe he was having an emotional affair? I'm just curious because I don't see the problem with having a friend of the opposite sex that you talk/text or see on occasion. Even the occasional off color joke doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me so either you have found something much worse or I am just way more laid back about things like this.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:46 AM

Yes I give him credit he calmly told me. I walked into him and told him what I found and asked what the hell was going on. He sat there for a second and said, I was flirting. 

 I told him I didn't know what to say, what a risk it was and how it could become so much more! He acted as if that would never happen but I made it clear no one just fucks the person they bump into on the street nor do most people start out to cheat. It kind of just happens once you lower your black and white standards.  Not to mention he could see her everyday if he choose, she works a stones throw away.

 I think we will need some help, all I can think is how can I trust what you say happened and that it won't countuine... Ahhh

Quoting semamaearth:

same for me

it won't be easy, but he did come clean right away. That's something. He's prob been waiting for you to catch him, if he was that quick to come clean. Forgiveness is key. So is trust, I know. If you still love him, tell him that. Let him know you want this to work and be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

Quoting KeheleyLayna:

 I hope it works out for you. Long story short, and leaving out a lot of drama.. I had an emotional affair with a guy other than my husband. It was the last straw for me, and I was ready for divorce, but for some reason, I had the feeling to give our marraige another try.. and it worked. we're happier than ever.



Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:49 AM

What I could read was  just chatting, (i coukd only read th first senetance of the deleted history on his contact) then she came to his work and stayed a few hours and they texted about how great it was to see you and how she should come back soon. That upset me enough.

 Then I found he had texted her over 100 times the week before Halloween, the same week he told me he was having a drink with his coworker next door (where she works, manages a resturant bar)

 I felt the "relationship" was a little more indepth after several weeks, lying to me about what he was doing and since he felt the need to delete all the messages from his phone, he was hiding it. So while I don't know hat they spoke about, I know he knew it wasn't innocent in his heart to be hiding it.

Quoting bmw29:

What was in these texts that leads you to believe he was having an emotional affair? I'm just curious because I don't see the problem with having a friend of the opposite sex that you talk/text or see on occasion. Even the occasional off color joke doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me so either you have found something much worse or I am just way more laid back about things like this.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 11 on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:52 AM

bump


bmw29
by spitfire_bobbie on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:56 AM

I guess I can see that. :/ I have an old friend who I talk to several times a day via text or FB chat. I have met him for coffee to talk about old times and I did date him briefly when I was younger. His wife is aware as is my husband and I guess that makes the difference. 

Quoting Anonymous:

What I could read was  just chatting, (i coukd only read th first senetance of the deleted history on his contact) then she came to his work and stayed a few hours and they texted about how great it was to see you and how she should come back soon. That upset me enough.

 Then I found he had texted her over 100 times the week before Halloween, the same week he told me he was having a drink with his coworker next door (where she works, manages a resturant bar)

 I felt the "relationship" was a little more indepth after several weeks, lying to me about what he was doing and since he felt the need to delete all the messages from his phone, he was hiding it. So while I don't know hat they spoke about, I know he knew it wasn't innocent in his heart to be hiding it.

Quoting bmw29:

What was in these texts that leads you to believe he was having an emotional affair? I'm just curious because I don't see the problem with having a friend of the opposite sex that you talk/text or see on occasion. Even the occasional off color joke doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me so either you have found something much worse or I am just way more laid back about things like this.



Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:56 AM

Men cheat bc they are being selfish.

 I have supported my family the best I know how, if he needed -wanted more he should have come to me! Not someone else.

I wont tell you what kind of wife I am but he was getting lots of needs met here, doesn't mean he wouldn't enjoy the attention of some else, you just have to be mindful and careful bc it can turn quickly. 

 He can take responsibility for his choice and if he needs something more from me than I am willing to meet it but he hadn't  lead on to there being an issue and I am not a mind reader.

Quoting Anonymous:

maybe you should be there more, emotionally,  for your man then.  Men stray because their needs are not being met. 


semamaearth
by Silver Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:59 AM

it's really hard and I'm sorry you have to go through that. I can say that I loved my husband (still do) and when everything started, it was "innocent" and nothing I did was done with bad intentions. It was just careless. I let my guard down. I flirted, and innocent, ocassional texts started happening more and more and more, and it was a gradual thing. It did eventually become physical, even though I had never ever intended for that to happen. It just kind of "happened." Not that I wasn't at fault 100%. But again, I let my guard down. I came to really care for this person, and that is dangerous.

I do hope you can work everything out. I'm so glad my husband decided to work things out wtih me and it wasn't easy...at all. but we did it

Quoting Anonymous:

Yes I give him credit he calmly told me. I walked into him and told him what I found and asked what the hell was going on. He sat there for a second and said, I was flirting. 

 I told him I didn't know what to say, what a risk it was and how it could become so much more! He acted as if that would never happen but I made it clear no one just fucks the person they bump into on the street nor do most people start out to cheat. It kind of just happens once you lower your black and white standards.  Not to mention he could see her everyday if he choose, she works a stones throw away.

 I think we will need some help, all I can think is how can I trust what you say happened and that it won't countuine... Ahhh

Quoting semamaearth:

same for me

it won't be easy, but he did come clean right away. That's something. He's prob been waiting for you to catch him, if he was that quick to come clean. Forgiveness is key. So is trust, I know. If you still love him, tell him that. Let him know you want this to work and be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

Quoting KeheleyLayna:

 I hope it works out for you. Long story short, and leaving out a lot of drama.. I had an emotional affair with a guy other than my husband. It was the last straw for me, and I was ready for divorce, but for some reason, I had the feeling to give our marraige another try.. and it worked. we're happier than ever.

 



semamaearth
by Silver Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:03 AM

she's just trying to create shit...ignore people like this. while I do think emotional affairs are signs there are deeper issues in a marriage, it does NOT mean it's your fault. there were some problems in my marriage. my husband and I were just kind of growing apart. I felt unappreciated, ignored, worthless. HOWEVER, instead of talking to him, or conftonting him, or letting him know how I felt, I went to someone else and did that. It was my fault in the end. In counseling, my husband realized things he was doing wrong in our relationship, but he wasn't responsible for my actions.

Quoting Anonymous:

Men cheat bc they are being selfish.

 I have supported my family the best I know how, if he needed -wanted more he should have come to me! Not someone else.

I wont tell you what kind of wife I am but he was getting lots of needs met here, doesn't mean he wouldn't enjoy the attention of some else, you just have to be mindful and careful bc it can turn quickly. 

 He can take responsibility for his choice and if he needs something more from me than I am willing to meet it but he hadn't  lead on to there being an issue and I am not a mind reader.

Quoting Anonymous:

maybe you should be there more, emotionally,  for your man then.  Men stray because their needs are not being met. 



Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:05 AM

I am glad things worked out for you. I don't think it's bad people, some people just suck but often times its like your case and I would be lying if I said I haven't been flattered by someone ect. But it's so dangerous, I am thankful I never pushed anything farther but even just thinking about someone else makes me feel bad.

 It is so easy, I hope this was a wake up call. We were lucky it's in the early stages I suppose.

Quoting semamaearth:

it's really hard and I'm sorry you have to go through that. I can say that I loved my husband (still do) and when everything started, it was "innocent" and nothing I did was done with bad intentions. It was just careless. I let my guard down. I flirted, and innocent, ocassional texts started happening more and more and more, and it was a gradual thing. It did eventually become physical, even though I had never ever intended for that to happen. It just kind of "happened." Not that I wasn't at fault 100%. But again, I let my guard down. I came to really care for this person, and that is dangerous.

I do hope you can work everything out. I'm so glad my husband decided to work things out wtih me and it wasn't easy...at all. but we did it

Quoting Anonymous:

Yes I give him credit he calmly told me. I walked into him and told him what I found and asked what the hell was going on. He sat there for a second and said, I was flirting. 

 I told him I didn't know what to say, what a risk it was and how it could become so much more! He acted as if that would never happen but I made it clear no one just fucks the person they bump into on the street nor do most people start out to cheat. It kind of just happens once you lower your black and white standards.  Not to mention he could see her everyday if he choose, she works a stones throw away.

 I think we will need some help, all I can think is how can I trust what you say happened and that it won't countuine... Ahhh

Quoting semamaearth:

same for me

it won't be easy, but he did come clean right away. That's something. He's prob been waiting for you to catch him, if he was that quick to come clean. Forgiveness is key. So is trust, I know. If you still love him, tell him that. Let him know you want this to work and be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

Quoting KeheleyLayna:

 I hope it works out for you. Long story short, and leaving out a lot of drama.. I had an emotional affair with a guy other than my husband. It was the last straw for me, and I was ready for divorce, but for some reason, I had the feeling to give our marraige another try.. and it worked. we're happier than ever.





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