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My husband is having/had an Emotional affair

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

I don't know what to do I just found out my husband has been having an emotional affair. I caught him through text on our phone bill, he came clean right away and apologized said nothing physical happened and he would cut off ties.
I feel like the rug pulled out from underneath me, I have never had trust issues and frankly I don't really want too over think it but this is 1 of those things that really makes you question everything. my dad cheated on my mom so for me I just always assume the same thing will happen and now I wonder if it would have or will.
First he pushed the nothing physical happened thing but I explained how investing in somebody else leaves less for your relationship with your wife and messes up the trust.
Guess I just need to vent, not sure what the next step is. Part of me just wants to trust everything's fine but it's such a slippery slope and I hate to leave it open.kwim

Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 10, 2012 at 11:30 PM
Replies (41-50):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 12 on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:08 AM

That would be the end of the marriage for me

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:10 AM

Exactly, marriage is work and I am sure he was having feelings but he needs to tell me them! I talk to him when I am feel that way.

 I think it's normal, growing and changing but you have to keep your eye on one another or you can easily think someone else is more. I even told him that, I said I can't compete with her, she hasn't dealt with you for 8 years, has your 3 kids and our financial situation, of course she will seems fun and free, she is but it's unfair to compare bc we built this life together and I shouldnt be put up against someone that doesn't have anything invested in it, good or bad.

Quoting semamaearth:

she's just trying to create shit...ignore people like this. while I do think emotional affairs are signs there are deeper issues in a marriage, it does NOT mean it's your fault. there were some problems in my marriage. my husband and I were just kind of growing apart. I felt unappreciated, ignored, worthless. HOWEVER, instead of talking to him, or conftonting him, or letting him know how I felt, I went to someone else and did that. It was my fault in the end. In counseling, my husband realized things he was doing wrong in our relationship, but he wasn't responsible for my actions.

Quoting Anonymous:

Men cheat bc they are being selfish.

 I have supported my family the best I know how, if he needed -wanted more he should have come to me! Not someone else.

I wont tell you what kind of wife I am but he was getting lots of needs met here, doesn't mean he wouldn't enjoy the attention of some else, you just have to be mindful and careful bc it can turn quickly. 

 He can take responsibility for his choice and if he needs something more from me than I am willing to meet it but he hadn't  lead on to there being an issue and I am not a mind reader.

Quoting Anonymous:

maybe you should be there more, emotionally,  for your man then.  Men stray because their needs are not being met. 




Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:15 AM

I have 3 small children that would ultimately pay the price for such choices. I feel more comfortable not making a rash one of that nature,

 Of course I understand why this is an unacceptable action and I said in a moment of pain, I want a divorce bc I can't be married to SomeoneI can't trust. I did mean that but I think I should give him a chance before breaking up our family and putting that stress on them.

 We have built a lot, hard to break it down with one thing. Or maybe I am just prideful. Idk


Quoting Anonymous:

That would be the end of the marriage for me


Anonymous
by Anonymous 12 on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:21 AM

I understand what you are saying. But, me personally, I could forgive anything, except going outside the marriage. Once that trust was broken it would drive me insane keep thinking if he will do it again. I couldn't live like that. Hopefully for your sake, your husband feels remorse (and not just because he got caught) and will never do it again.

Quoting Anonymous:

I have 3 small children that would ultimately pay the price for such choices. I feel more comfortable not making a rash one of that nature,

 Of course I understand why this is an unacceptable action and I said in a moment of pain, I want a divorce bc I can't be married to SomeoneI can't trust. I did mean that but I think I should give him a chance before breaking up our family and putting that stress on them.

 We have built a lot, hard to break it down with one thing. Or maybe I am just prideful. Idk


Quoting Anonymous:

That would be the end of the marriage for me



Anonymous
by Anonymous 13 on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:25 AM
I think I would have a harder time getting past an emotional affair then with a physical one.
Did he say why he did this?
AmaliaD
by Platinum Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:27 AM

i would be more mad about an emotional affair than randomly screwing someone he didnt care about .   if my dh admitted to liking and talking to another woman all the time i wuold turn green with envy and either leave him or punish him for a long time.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:27 AM

I don't want to live like that eithe have been for 2 days. We I'll see how it plays out I suppose.

 If I can't fully for give and trust him again, there is nothing left to fight for:( we will see.

 And thank you, I don't know if it's just from being caught. He seems sorry but I  told him, it's hard to know when you made the choice to do it, why would or when would you draw the line and stop.. 

Quoting Anonymous:

I understand what you are saying. But, me personally, I could forgive anything, except going outside the marriage. Once that trust was broken it would drive me insane keep thinking if he will do it again. I couldn't live like that. Hopefully for your sake, your husband feels remorse (and not just because he got caught) and will never do it again.

Quoting Anonymous:

I have 3 small children that would ultimately pay the price for such choices. I feel more comfortable not making a rash one of that nature,

 Of course I understand why this is an unacceptable action and I said in a moment of pain, I want a divorce bc I can't be married to SomeoneI can't trust. I did mean that but I think I should give him a chance before breaking up our family and putting that stress on them.

 We have built a lot, hard to break it down with one thing. Or maybe I am just prideful. Idk


Quoting Anonymous:

That would be the end of the marriage for me




Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:31 AM

I am not sure I asked. He just said they were flirting and he would have never got physical. Of course he says that but when you open the door it's not easy.

 Now thinking about it I have spent the last 2 conversations, talking about how I feel. I guess I should ask if it was more than just nice to feel attractive,., we have small kids and busy, I am sure I could give him more attention or support but I had no idea he was seeking it, he isn't much of a communicator so I often feel lost at what to do.

 See sex isn't all he needs! Ugh he makes it seems like the most important thing but clearly not!

Quoting Anonymous:

I think I would have a harder time getting past an emotional affair then with a physical one.
Did he say why he did this?


semamaearth
by Silver Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:32 AM

It all depends on how much you want to be with him. My husband asked me many times if I was staying with him because I love him and want to be with him, or if it was simply for the kids. We also have 3 kids, and yes, it would be so hard on them if we broke up, but it would be just as unfair to him to be with him if my heart was somewhere else. It sounds like, and I could be wrong, cuz I'm not there, he does love you. He didn't try to excuse it. He cut ties with her. I don't think a marriage is something you should ever just throw away, and emotional affiars are usually something that start out innocently, so it wasn't him trying to throw away your marriage. But you have to decide, together, if you want to work out all the kinks, and gain that trust again and be together. Most people will say it can never happen, have never been faced with that before.

I would urge you to get counseling together, and seperately as well. there are things that someone from the outside will need to point out and encourage you to work on that the two of you may not even be able to see, or if you do, think much of. It's going to be a long road, and it will take awhile for that trust to build back up. Things won't be the same as before, but that's not what you want. Same as before was flawed, you want to make things new between the two of you

Quoting Anonymous:

I have 3 small children that would ultimately pay the price for such choices. I feel more comfortable not making a rash one of that nature,

 Of course I understand why this is an unacceptable action and I said in a moment of pain, I want a divorce bc I can't be married to SomeoneI can't trust. I did mean that but I think I should give him a chance before breaking up our family and putting that stress on them.

 We have built a lot, hard to break it down with one thing. Or maybe I am just prideful. Idk


Quoting Anonymous:

That would be the end of the marriage for me



Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:38 AM

Thank you, I wouldn't  stay for the kids alone and do feel loved by him, I am kind of shocked bc he is passionate. We are very passionate so the ups are amazing and the downs are bad but we ave always been in it together.

 I will speak to him about counseling tonight, we have a great couples counselor at church but I am not sure he would want to share this with someone we are that close too. He is so great though and hubby respects him so maybe he will swallow his pride..

 

Quoting semamaearth:

It all depends on how much you want to be with him. My husband asked me many times if I was staying with him because I love him and want to be with him, or if it was simply for the kids. We also have 3 kids, and yes, it would be so hard on them if we broke up, but it would be just as unfair to him to be with him if my heart was somewhere else. It sounds like, and I could be wrong, cuz I'm not there, he does love you. He didn't try to excuse it. He cut ties with her. I don't think a marriage is something you should ever just throw away, and emotional affiars are usually something that start out innocently, so it wasn't him trying to throw away your marriage. But you have to decide, together, if you want to work out all the kinks, and gain that trust again and be together. Most people will say it can never happen, have never been faced with that before.

I would urge you to get counseling together, and seperately as well. there are things that someone from the outside will need to point out and encourage you to work on that the two of you may not even be able to see, or if you do, think much of. It's going to be a long road, and it will take awhile for that trust to build back up. Things won't be the same as before, but that's not what you want. Same as before was flawed, you want to make things new between the two of you

Quoting Anonymous:

I have 3 small children that would ultimately pay the price for such choices. I feel more comfortable not making a rash one of that nature,

 Of course I understand why this is an unacceptable action and I said in a moment of pain, I want a divorce bc I can't be married to SomeoneI can't trust. I did mean that but I think I should give him a chance before breaking up our family and putting that stress on them.

 We have built a lot, hard to break it down with one thing. Or maybe I am just prideful. Idk


Quoting Anonymous:

That would be the end of the marriage for me




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