I'm sorry this is so long...
So BM signed over her rights of full custody since SD was living in our care, she has a 9 month old and is now pregnant with baby #3. She couldn't provide a stable place etc. She still has visitation with SD, but it's at our discretion and she must be sober and in a safe environment. She eventually found a place to live in, with her on and off bf. We figured that she was finally starting to pull herself together. She was wanting to be more involved in SD's life and was sober. Yay, right? So we started allowing her to see SD more, and since this year was supposed to be her year to have SD on CHristmas day, DH decided that since she was starting to step up, he would keep that agreement even though the terms had changed.
A couple weeks ago BM and her bf got kicked out of where they were staying and now she is floating around with the 9 month old and staying with whichever friend she can. So DH called her to ask her what her plans were so that he could figure out Christmas because he was not going to have SD have Christmas somewhere he doesn't know and lord only knows with who. Fair enough I thought. No, apparently not, BM flipped out on him saying it was none of his business. He calmly told BM that it was his right as SD's father and primary caregiver to know. She hung up.
A few days later, she sent him a text saying that she was going to move back with her parents and asked if it was okay for SD to spend Christmas there. DH told her he would get back to her and went back and forth on what to do and decided that SD should go there and spend time with her grandparents and okayed it because he knows that SD is safe with her grandparents and they hardly get to see her, except for pictures we send them regularly (despite the divorce her father and DH still have a good relationship). So now SD is going there for Christmas and since it's 7 hours away, DH is going to take her there for a week and we would have Christmas the following weekend. All the plans had been made with our family, aunts, uncles etc.
This morning I get a text from BM saying "I'll be keeping SD for an extra week over Christmas." I normally don't respond but I sent a text back saying "I will have DH contact you regarding this." Then I got bombarded with all the name calling texts about how I had no say in this, it was her daughter, I'm just a whore etc. I ignored them and when DH called me this morning I told him that BM was saying she was going to have, not asking for another week with SD over Christmas. Of course this upset DH. I told him not to call her until he calms down. He does not want to let SD go now, because he's afraid of BM taking off with SD since he won't allow for the extra week. We called our lawyer to make sure he was within his rights to say no and he said we absolutely were.
What would you do? Is it wrong or unreasonable of us to keep SD here?
Last night DH came home exhausted from work and exhausted from having to deal with BMs phone calls and texts. I brought my SD over to my MIL after she suggested having a hot chocolate and movie night at her house so that DH could deal with this without SD around. We sat down and he showed me all the texts, voicemails from BM and they were crazy. That's the only word I could use to describe them, crazy.
We talked it over and HE decided that it was best that SD not go there for Christmas because it's 7 hours away and a different state and her attitude and actions right now are just disturbing. He said he replayed it in his mind all day and everytime he got a horrible feeling. So in no way shape or form was he going to allow anything to happen to his little girl. He was so upset that he cried, because he doesn't want SD to be upset... but he knows it's what is best for the time being. I brought up us going there for a day or two to see the grandparents etc, he said that if he can get the time off then we will or we would try to make arrangements to have them come here (Thank you ladies for this suggestion).
So he called BM and needless to say DH is now a "piece of shit" that she would get to see her daughter and he had no say in this. DH was very calm on the phone (I was kind of surprised) and told her not to make threats of any kind about SD. He told her until she could get her life and her head together she was not going to be seeing SD anymore. She of course screamed that he couldn't keep her from her. He brought up that she has no stability right now, how can she provide the safe environment when she was acting this way, had no roof over her head etc. That threatening to take SD was not helping her situation and that she had ALOT of growing up to do if she ever intends on building a relationship with SD. Until then she will have none and she has no one but herself and her actions to blame. That he has given her every opportunity to do right by her and she keeps on dropping the ball. He reminded her that she is not REQUIRED to have visitation with SD that it was up to us as to if and when she could. If he had to he would file a restraining order. BM at that point said, well you mind as well. SO he is going to be talking to our lawyer today to see what he needs to fill and have on file since he isn't allowing BM to be around SD and will be filing for that restraining order.
DH then called BMs parents to let them know about the situation and they were obviously disappointed- I don't blame them. BUT we mentioned if DH could get the time off work we will come there, otherwise we were thinking about making arrangements or helping them out with some $$ to come see SD here. Although upset about Christmas, they were really happy DH was willing to do that for them. So I guess we'll see if work will approve him to take time off.
I woke up this morning to 45 text messages from BM about how awful I am, pretty much every name in the book, and how her daughter should be spending Christmas with her mother. I just ignored them. DH plans on telling SD sometime this weekend (once we figure out when we will be going to or having her grandparents visit) that she's going to have Santa here and when she'll be seeing her grandparents. Thanks so much ladies.