We need some laughter up in here tonight and Iâm feeling ever so festive. Or maybe just tipsy. Meh, whatever. Iâve decided to share the hottest and newest renditions of a traditional Christmas Carol with you. Get yourself a glass of wine, gather around the Yule log and sing along with me!!
We all know how the âoriginalâ song goes... and it is frickenâ long and painful. So in the interest of time and to save us all from drinking three bottles as I write and you read/sing along, I am just going to start with the last verse and work my way backwards. You get it right? This way you will be sober enough to read all the way through. Youâre welcome. Unless you are already drunk. In that caseâŠ CHEERS!!!
I will never judge you, Iâm good people that way.
Twelve Days of Hormones
On the Twelfth Day of Hormones
My preteens gave to me:
Twelve Mood Swings
Eleven Outfit Changes
Ten Loads of Laundry
Nine Hours of Grounding
Eight Tears for No Reason
Seven Worst Mother Awards
Six Temper Tantrums
Five Slammiiiiiiing Doors
Four Feet a Stomping
Three Siblings Scrapping
Two Rolling Eyes
And a Pic of Mommy Drunk Under the Tree (donât judge me)
Another version you ask? Ok, if I must. Here is the always-popular variety:
Twelve Days of âWhat my Preteen SAID to Meâ.
On the twelfth day of Hormones
My preteens said to me:
Twelve âYouâre ruining my lifeâs
Eleven âShe started itâs
Ten âSheâs looking at meâs
Nine âSheâs touching meâs
Eight âI have nothing to wearâs
Seven âWhere are my jeanâs
Six âItâs not my faultâs
Five âYou are SO unfaaaaaaaaaairâs
Four âWorst mom EVER!âs
Three âJust one minuteâs
Two âEveryone else is allowedâs
And a âMom why are you drinking wine under the tree?â
And my personal favorite, the Twelve days of What I Say to My Preteen.
There is no need to point out that it doesnât match the tune of the original songâŠ I already know that. I deserve a voice too. Geesh.
On the Twelfth Day of Hormones I said to my preteen girls in glee:
Twelve "Take that make-up off, it looks trashy. Are you the guest clown in a circus that I donât know about?â
Eleven âDo you really think you are wearing that out of this house? When did leggings become classified as pants?â
Ten âPull your pants up. Crying out loud ladies âHugsâŠ not drugsâ.â
Nine âNo you still canât have a phone.â
Eight âNo you still canât have Facebook.â
Seven âDo you really think I care what your friends are allowed to do? I am not their mother. Lucky, lucky you. I am YOUR mother. Itâs like youâve won the freaking parenting lottery isnât it?â
Six âWatch your toneâŠ or the next time I drop you off at school I will walk you in, holding hands and skipping. All while singing this song at the top of my lungs.â
Five âFor the love of all that is good and holy pick the dirty socks and wet towel up off the floor before I snap my biscuits and my head flies off its axis.â
Four âSlam your door again and itâs gone. Do it! I dare you! Itâs become a sport for me at this point.â
Three âBring up your laundry or you are never wearing clean clothes again. NEVER, EVER, EVER! You shall stink for the rest of your life and I will laugh and point at you.â (Crap, now Iâm confusing this song with Taylor Swiftâs new and highly overplayed latest tune)
Two âIf you donât stop fighting I will tie your arms together and make you sing âWe are Familyâ.â
(Double crap! Now I have Taylor and the boyfriend she is never ever getting back together with and âIâve got all my sister and Meâ and this song all mixed up in my head)
One âBring mommy a glass of wine under the tree before I cry. Oh, screw it bring me the box. Yes, wine in a box. No judging remember?â
Ok, I know this last one isnât pure musical genius. Clearly, Iâm not going to quit my day jobâŠ but I am singing it in my head and trust me, it TOTALLY sounds fantastic. Iâm going all like Christmassy Adele on your assâs.
It may go platinum. Just sayinâ.