Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

My son,finally open up...............after all these years,,,,,,,,,,need advise, please

Posted by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:35 AM
  • 52 Replies

 My heart is sadden. i devorced my kids dad 15yrs ago, why i filed,was because he tried to choke me,while pregnant with my son. He have many affairs,had a coke and vodka problem. While we were married,i'd catch him telling my son,then 2yrs old, teaching him to say, "mom's a bitch". my ex and i did the marriage couseling talking to a priest, last straw is when i came home to all my stuff thrown out on the lawn,we did'nt even have a argument,it was random. Anyhow,after we divorced, I took care of our children,worked two jobs, he never called his kids,sent them a birthday card,ect. My ex and his now wife,would call our house all hours of the night,threatening to kill me. I did take my kids to a counselor, my son would'nt say anything about his Dad abandoning him,standing him up. Finally my son told me,he feels like his dad ignored him all his life. I can tell from the look on his face,he was relieved to get that off his chest. I am going with him to talk to a priest.He tells me he loves me and I've always been there for him. What advise can you give me to improve this situation?

by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:35 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
dbrown1989
by Gold Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:37 AM

 I have no advice, that's a tough situation mama. Here's a bump.

kattu
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:39 AM
14 moms liked this
Instead of a priest, take him to a therapist.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:39 AM
2 moms liked this
A restraining order against your ex and counseling for your son.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:45 AM
1 mom liked this

As a child he will have a hard time coming to terms with this. I never got over it until I became a parent myself. That empty feeling turned to anger and rage towards my father once I realized what being a parent was about. I could not imagine how heartless you must be to abandon your own flesh and blood. It made me HATE my father. After years of feeling this rage towards him, I got over it. I let go of him, let go of the hurt, let go of the anger. I just let go. He let go of me a long time ago. Now that I have gone through the stages of grief, I am okay with it. 

having an absent parent is the same as having a loss. You must go through the stages of grief to deal with it appropriately and to move on from it. Some people have complicated grieving. I think going to the priest will help him through each stage. Some people go through it quickly, some take years or even a lifetime. I am 30 years old and only in the past two years have I been able to let go of those feelings. I hope your son can come to a resolve much sooner than that. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:47 AM
3 moms liked this

A priest can do the same thing a therapist can, only his guidance will be founded upon Christian values. 

I think the OP should use her own judgment in who to take the child to. 

If they are religious then a priest is the answer for her. (if she so chooses) 


Quoting kattu:

Instead of a priest, take him to a therapist.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:47 AM
Keep doing what you've been doing, he knows YOU love him
((hugs))
Shy_Dia
by Emerald Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:47 AM
2 moms liked this

just hug on him and give him all the love he can stand!

you cant do anything on his dad's side. there's nothing you can say or do that'll make it better for him. i'm not sure how old he is, but i'm thinking early adult? his entire life- he felt this way towards his dad. he has reasons to his feelings... and one day, i do hope that he'll be able to confront his dad, if thats what he needs to move past it. if not, i hope that he finds peace and comes to term with it.

if he's questioning who he IS- well, you already know that. he might be a bit unsure, but you know everything about him. you know if he's smart, kind, loving, respectful, full of life. just tell him that. his dad- who he is and the actions that he's done (or not done), does NOT define him- never has and it never will.

it seems like your relationship with your son just got that much stronger. it sucks that it's coming from something so bad (the lack of a relationship between child and the other parent), but if he's been holding it in for this long, and he finally came out to you about it- i have no doubt that in the future, when he's facing an issue, he'll know he can come to you. The relationship will tilt a little- from mother/son to mentor/mentee to possibly even friend/friend.... but thats the normal stages of life, IMO (granted, i'm only 24- my relationship with my parents SUCK-- but this is what i'd want for me and my son lol).

Anyways! just be there for him. again, there's nothing that you can do in regards of his father... you just work on keeping the bond between you and your son, strong.

soulofsunmama
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:48 AM
THIS

Quoting kattu:

Instead of a priest, take him to a therapist.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
lokilover
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:49 AM
2 moms liked this


Quoting Anonymous:

A priest can do the same thing a therapist can, only his guidance will be founded upon Christian values. 

I think the OP should use her own judgment in who to take the child to. 

If they are religious then a priest is the answer for her. (if she so chooses) 


Quoting kattu:

Instead of a priest, take him to a therapist.


I'm afraid this will start a religous argument, but counselors have training that most priests do not and may be more equiped to help. 

AmaliaD
by Ruby Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:50 AM
1 mom liked this

priests also have a terrible track record for molesting and abusing children.   they arent the same.  they arent professionals that woudl lose their license if caught abusing.  you know the church covers up for the dirty ones.    why not use a real professional rather than someone who is questionable. 

Quoting Anonymous:

A priest can do the same thing a therapist can, only his guidance will be founded upon Christian values. 

I think the OP should use her own judgment in who to take the child to. 

If they are religious then a priest is the answer for her. (if she so chooses) 

 

Quoting kattu:

Instead of a priest, take him to a therapist.



Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)