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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Dont you DARE give my kid that sh**! Updated in black -12/21

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

So... This neighbor down the street gave my kid a candy cane! Fuck! WTH are you THINKING LADY?

Candy canes have RED in them! RED! FUCKING RED! That is the devil's color!

THis is why we don't see Santa, ever! He is scary as shit! He comes in the dead of night, all dressed in the DEVIL's COLOR! RED! And fucking watches your kids WHILE THEY ARE SLEEPING!

Christmas eve I always, ALWAYS pour holy water in front of the friggin fireplace, and I put a chair in front of it to stop the fat fucking demon from HELL!

I told my neighbor to take back her candy cane, then I rushed my kids home and washed his hand in holy water. I prayed over his little hand for an HOUR!

We dont do christmas trees because it would encourage the evil one to come into my house. We never leave milk and cookies or anything else for that matter!

I hear jingle bells and the kid and I hide under the bed until it stops. And I ALMOST called the cops this year because some guy ringing a fucking bell asking for money told us merry christmas. Merry christmas ain't the problem, he is dressed like that demon from hell!

Oh lord please help me get through the holidays! Don't let that scary fucking man in the suit WATCH MY BABY WHILE HE IS SLEEPING!!!!!

 

You do know why Santa wears that red hat right? HE IS HIDING THE HORNS!!!! WHY HE WEARS EXTRA BIG BLACK BOOTS? HE IS HIDING THE HOOVES!

Edit - I have decided to carry around a little bottle of holy water and cross. So if those guys dressed like the Santa's minions asking for money come at me, I will toss some holy water in their faces, and pull out my wooden cross. And I never noticed that Santa is just an anagram for Satan! Thank you those who pointed that out.

About an hour ago, I heard more bells, so the kid and I hid under the bed and read from the bible. We were so scared. It passed, thank the lord, our praying must have scared him and his evil blood sucking hellish demon reindeer back to hell where they belong. So crafty that he tried to hide it by saying he lives at the north pole where it is cold. Uh-hu. Back with you demon!  You will find NO COOKIES OR HOT COCO HERE!

 

Update -

So tonight someone came to my door claiming to be trying to tell me about their church. I know it was a lie because the lady had the brightest red mop of red hair I have ever seen. I know that if you are not in the devil's clutches, you shave your head if you had the unfortunate luck to have red hair. I also know that EVERY redhead in the world's mother had sex with satan himself, AKA Santa, and had his spawn. I am SO GLAD I OPENED THE DOOR WITH MY HOLY WATER IN HAND! I screamed as loud as I could, and dumped holy water on her head, she seemed surprised that I KNEW who she REALLY WAS, and slammed the door. I locked it, grabbed my kid, and we dove under the coffee table, and I prayed with him until I thought they were gone. I checked out the window, about a half an hour later and didn't see anyone. Yeah, we want you to come to our church my ass, be honest, you just wanted my soul! And sure you have a wonderful sunday school for my kid uh-hu. I am praying she never comes back!

crying

So as we get closer to Christmas, I am so worried. I have decided to skip presents this year, and instead buy 20 bottles of holy water. I need to make sure this crazed scumbag does not come to my house. I am going to take a suggestion someone made on here, she said I should pour holy water all over my steps so that it freezes and turns to ice, so if the fat shit tries to come through the front door he will slip and fall hard. This may also deter any more redheads who don't shave from coming here either.

I am so glad I poured the holy water on that lady's head. She had said something about taking my son away in a bus to some school. I know that if I had sent him, if I didn't know about the redheads and what they do, he would be somewhere in some basement with RED walls, and them making him sacrifice a goat, with reindeer watching.

I have also decided to get some cement and block up my fireplace, and get some new locks for my door and windows. And I am getting an alarm installed probably ADT.

Update - So this morning I woke up to a loud bang coming from outside. I went and grabbed my holy water, and with much caution, I opened the door. And there was a guy dressed as a UPS guy laying on the ground near my steps. He had red hair! FUCK! I KNEW the devil has been trying but to send a guy dressed as UPS? He looked up at me and muttered something, may have been help me get up please, so I screamed and ripped open my holy water bottle and threw it at him at which point he screamed what the fuck?! I have a package for you! I screamed its from Santa take it back and ran inside full speed and locked my door. Then I watched out the window as he took said package and left. Of course I can just imagine what would have been in that package, probably a reindeer head or a santa hat for crying out loud. I crawled in bed with my son and went back to sleep after a while! The ice on the stairs worked! Thank you everyone, you truly are keeping me safe!

Update - So the holy water should be here tomorrow, I paid for the overnight shipping to get it quick. It costs $200 a bottle, the pope, (and I know it is the pope cause he has a website and signs everything "the pope" donates the money to needy families) offered to send me 10 extra free bottles since I was getting 20. He sends them in fuji water bottles, cause he drinks that, so he drinks the water out of them, fills them with holy water, and ships them to me, but he does not use UPS so I know the UPS package was something from Santa. I'm still thinking a reindeer head to scare us. It's almost Christmas and the chimney is blocked with cement and i is drying, I decided against an ADT system since people here said it is run by elves, thank you for the heads up! I never knew! I am now also considering going on a camping trip and sleeping in the forest Christmas Eve, Santa AKA SAtan will never find us there! Getting the tent together and some clothing and sleeping bags, etc. Will update when I can so you know we are all safe and sound.

Please be nice and don't insult my intelligence! EVERYONE knows there is no such thing as Keebler Elves! Wow. You people!

So I went outside, and slipped on my steps and bumped my ass. Don't worry I am ok! Just a bit sore. So I went to my mailbox and opened it. Inside was a RED envelope! RED! I knew who it was from, the holly jolly bastard. I couldn't leave it there, so I ran inside, almost slipping on the stairs again. I grabbed some gloves and ran to the mailbox, and picked it up carefully. I ran it inside, and put it in the sink. I lit a match and burned it, than poured holy water all over the fire I had just made. My son, who is 22, said, "Why did you do that mommy?" I explained I had too, that the scary Santa monster had sent it. Because it was red. I wish my husband was still alive, my son is sooooooo impressionable and could use dad's advice, but two years ago, he was crossing the street and got hit by a RED BULL truck and died real fast. I know the devil did that!

Yeah when my dh got hit by the red bull truck it was a very hard time for us, they said he committed suicide cause bystanders were saying he screamed I cant take it anymore, and jumped infront of the truck, but I knew the devil had gotten to him and the red bull truck was sent by satan/santa.

Today my son made me cry. He wanted to rent a video at of all places, REDBOX! OMG! I started hyperventilating and he must have realized what he said and began to apologize. I told him it was ok. He is soooo young, he is only 22 years old, and won't technically be an adult until 35. I told him it's ok and that I know it is hard for him being raised by a widowed mom. I love him very much and know the devil tricked him into asking.

So today it is snowing. I am okay with snow. Snow is white, like the angels wings. So that is fine. Some of you were saying black is evil, I never heard that before. I don't know if I believe that, up until now black has been fine with me. I will do more research on that thanks for the heads up. So today the neighbor who gave my son the candy cane fell on my steps. I dont know why she was coming over. But I heard the thud, and looked out the peephole, and she was on the ground. She knocked on the door, then rang the bell, then tried knocking again, then stood there for a few minutes. She finally called out, "ANYONE HOME?" and I yelled "No we're out!". She must have believed it cause she left at that point. The holy water on the stairs is working!

Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 19, 2012 at 12:27 AM
Replies (631-640):
tallmom1
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:27 AM

you need help!

mom2ljh
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:27 AM
1 mom liked this
BEST TROLL EVER!!! This is hilarious.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
chloesmommy777
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:34 AM

Wait... what?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 113 on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:36 AM

A funny psycho, yes? *D

Quoting Anonymous:

You are a bit of a psycho!!!


Legaltype
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:36 AM

LMAO

BabiiYarellie
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:40 AM
LMAOOOOOO!!!! Hahahaha... WOW. EITHER EXTREMELY BORED OR CRAZY. LOL........ good luck with that.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Jess0915
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:41 AM

BAHAHAHA!!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 114 on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:44 AM

Dang, can anyone say "psych ward"?!

wrensong
by Pagan Mother on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:44 AM

Best troll post ever LMAO.....You should write a book!! 

mary841108
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:45 AM
1 mom liked this

 if you are for real then you seriously need to have your kids taken away from you. like you are no longer bat shit crazy you have surpassed that. you are now into mental institution and shock therapy crazy.

Cleaning tips, baking recipes, dinner recipes, kids crafts, crafts for the bored mama and more at:


http://theimperfectstepfordwife.wordpress.com/

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