Money is worth more than time.

[Anonymous]

DH left us almost three years ago because he couldn't find work. DD and I stayed behind because he's her stepfather, and we had to stay close to my exhusband, since that's her dad.

DD just told me that she thought we did the right thing "because money's worth more than time since you can buy stuff with it." And she still got to know her stepfather. And "without money we would be poor and have ended up like homeless people in the streets." (We would have not ended up like homeless people on the streets.) I told her that we would have been fine, but it would have been like it was before. And she glared and said that back then we lived in a one bedroom apartment and she didn't have all her stuff. She said her room was in the living room, which was true, whereas now she has a bedroom, a play room, and a room that's like a kiddie office with her desk and all her books. She has a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff. Before she had dvds on art and gymnastics and dance, and books on horses because she liked them. Now she has lessons in dance, gymnastics, art, and horseback riding. Because of my husband's job, I was able to stop working, and I volunteer at her school a lot, and know what's going on with her class, and she gets excellent grades.

But I don't want her thinking that money is more important than time. Gross. I feel like we messed up.

[Nicoleb9]

I don't think you messed up. Yes, money isn't everything, but poverty is miserable, especially for children. Deny it if you want, but it's true. She's comparing the different lifestyles. How could you expect her not too?

[GhettoKoolAide]

Well you should probably scale back on all her crap or teach her to be grateful and not entitled. If my child came off with that he would lose quite a bit until he became thankful and not entitled.

[Anonymous - Original Poster]

I just asked her if she was miserable back then, and she said, "Kind of." She said that before her stepfather left and got his job, she used to wish she could live with her dad all the time because she had a princess bedroom set at his house and they went to theme parks a lot. "Like more than a hundred times" she said. She said this was a long time ago (only three years ago), so it was before she worried about book reports and science projects and now she wouldn't want to live with her dad because he still takes her to theme parks but he doesn't have enough money to buy posterboard or supplies for her schoolwork. (He does have the money for that-- he just leaves it up to me to be the homework house, which is fine.) And last year when she wanted to research for her geography project, he told her they didn't have gas money to go to the library, but only gas money to go to the zoo. (I don't think she understands that was probably a joke. It just stressed her out because she came home from the weekend, told me about the project, we had to run out to the store to get supplies, and then I had to wake her up at 5am to get it done before we left for school.)

Her dad makes pretty good money, so I asked her why she thought he was "poor" (her word) and she said that he didn't buy her anything for Christmas that she'd asked for.

So, I get that she's comparing lifestyles. But it sounds like she's comparing by what we've spent, and spending doesn't make you rich. It can actually make you very poor.

Quoting Nicoleb9: I don't think you messed up. Yes, money isn't everything, but poverty is miserable, especially for children. Deny it if you want, but it's true. She's comparing the different lifestyles. How could you expect her not too?

[deenakate]

Love, time, stability.

[Not_A_Native]

I think you did the right thing, and she's making an astute observation for her age.

With money, you can "buy time."  You can buy opportunities.  You've bought the time to volunteer in her classroom, the opportunities for her to explore her interests, and I see NOTHING wrong with that.

We did the same thing, except we moved with my husband.  And even though my husband was "there" - he wasn't really "there" in the sense  that he was working long, erratic hours, and 2 jobs for the first 1 1/2 years.

And we continue to "buy time."  We have a cleaning lady and a gardener, so we don't have to do those things.  That "buys time."  I've been a sahm for 19 years (my youngest is now 18 and a senior in high school).  We've improved our marriage because the times when my husband IS home, we can enjoy that time.  All our money worries are over.  That's worth a lot.

[myperfect4inok]

You don't have to have allot of money to have nice things. I grew up extremely poor. I never knew it. People thought that we had money because of the neighborhood I was in. But it wasn't until I got into high school where my parents had money. My parents bought their house in the middle of no where and moved from the valley to where I grew up because the house they bought was cheaper then rent. Everything we had was second hand. My parents bedroom set until I was in high school was the same one that they had since they got married.
She will understand as she gets older.
You just have to teach her that.
I never got what I wanted for Christmas yet my mother always made sure we had tons of presents under the tree. As I got older, I realized that she skipped meals so we could have one. In a child's eyes, things are very much different than an adults eyes.

[mommie2twogirls]

the money he makes buys you the time to be able to stay with her and not have to work..... i would explain it that way.... its not that money is more important than time, if that were the case you would be working full time and she would never see you because money is more important... does that make sense?

[FL2AK]

I see this as a positive. She is learning that you have to work and sacrifice in order to have a good life.

[jen2150]

Nothing is more precious than time.  There needs to be a balance between the two.  Money is necessary but money without time is empty.  

[Anonymous - Original Poster]

I spend time with my husband over the Internet, but he rarely spends time on a video call with my daughter. SO, I guess I understand where she thinks he's only a dollar sign.

When this whole thing started, she would have rathered everything stayed the same. She did not like the change. Now she likes the change, because she realizes if we went back to the way things were, she'd lose what she's come to view as herway of life.

But what troubles me is that her way of life includes her saying that money was worth more than time. But I just asked her whether she would like me to go back to work so that we could have even more money for even more things. And she said know. I reminded her that yesterday she told me money was worth more than time. And she replied that she meant that her stepfather's money was worth more than time.

Quoting jen2150: Nothing is more precious than time.  There needs to be a balance between the two.  Money is necessary but money without time is empty.