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13 year old dd snuck out tonight update

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
I KNOW I'm gonna get bashed to hell for this but I need some serious advice.





Let me start by saying, dd is NORMALLY very well behaved. She's not rude or disrespectful, can have a bit of an attitude at times but she's 13, a slight attitude at times is to be expected, no?



Very early this morning Dh wakes up to use the restroom and go check on the kids and make sure they are all covered up since its freezing tonight and when he peeks in dd room she's not there. He checked both bathrooms and she's not in either. He wakes me up and says P is not in the house. I jump out of bed and run all over the house and she's nowhere. All of a sudden Dh phone goes off, its some kid, we will call him T. He says sorry P I can't meet you all at the school my mom is still awake. So Dh CALLS T and finds out that dd and a few other friends were gonna meet at our neighborhood park and then one of there cousins who is FUCKING 17 is gonna take them driving around. **dd was using Dh phone because hers took a crap and won't turn on** well she had erased the texts and numbers from Dh phone so if this kid hadn't text we would have had no idea what was going on. Dh was able to get one of the other kids phone numbers from T that did meet up at the park and Dh called it and found out THEY WERE 15 FUCKING miles away!!!!!! Dh told them to stay right there and then called the cops and Dh and the cops went to where they were. Dh said all the kids (6 total) were detained and parents were being called, the 17 year old was put in cuffs and in the back of a cop car. Dd was released to Dh but we have to take her to the station at 11 to speak with an officer.



What in the FUCK was she thinking? Oh that's right SHE WASN'T! all and I mean ALL trust is gone.



I have no idea what to do with this. I never snuck out as a teen, she has never had any huge disciplinary problems, the most is she was grounded for not picking up her room. We have rules and consequences for not following the rules. We are told Alllll the time what good parents we are because we have structure and discipline and are our kids parents not friends.



I need advice, how do I punish this? What do I do to make her understand what a big deal this is? I'm at a complete loss.





Ok now go ahead and tell me what a compleat failure as a mother I am, can't make me feel worse than Ialready do.


UPDATE

Hey everyone. Just wanted to update. We went to the police station and the officer that Dh talked to took Dh, me and dd to a room to talk. He asked her questions about the 17 year old she and the others were with, apparently the reason he was arrested was for a warrent he had for his arrest for marijuana possestion. The officer also wanted to put the fear of God in to her, he has a teen dd as well and knew what we must be going through. He told her what very easily could have happened to her and her friends.

Dd is grounded, all privileges have been taken till further notice. Dh and I talked with her at length about how wrong she was and how she has lost our trust and how disappointed we are in her.

I think she gets it, she cried to us, and apologised to us both and SWORE it was the only time, although I'm not sure how much of that I believe at this point. Dh got the alarms on his way to work and will.install.them when he gets home tonight.
Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:44 AM
Replies (271-280):
Jami134
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:23 PM

If it were me, I'd be running some horror stories by that child about all the bad things that can happen to 13 year olds (especially girls) out late at night.  As a former police officer, I can tell you no 17 year old boy has a 13 year old girl's best interests in mind at 2 am.  I have a friend who uses what she calls "the buddy system" when her preteens/teens get out of line.  They can't go ANYWHERE except school without her and must go EVERYWHERE she goes except work:  shopping, coffee with friends, hair appointments, whatever.  She explains to them that they make better decisions when she's with them.  I don't know how long she does this per child per incident-probably until they're sick and tired of seeing her face. LOL  For what it's worth, I don't think your daughter making a bad choice makes YOU a bad mother. :-)

wagners7
by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:27 PM

 I don't think your a bad parent or deserve any type of bashing.  My daughter did the same thing a few years back and we found out by accident as well (sort of like you did).  We never thought she would do something like that either.  But, I'll tell you, I did things like that when I was a teen and it wasn't to go out and do bad things or be a deviant.  It was really just to hang with my friends and be a little daring.  Not ever did I think about the danger of it as I''m sure your daughter hasn't either.  I know when I would lecture my daughter of all the horrible things that could have happened, I'm sure I sounded like the Charlie Brown teacher to her.  To them, they are invinceable and think they are so street smart and can handle anything when they just don't know the half of it.  Luckily my daughter has grown out of that stage and I'm sure there will be other "stages"  we will just love to explore (input sarcasm).  As far as the punishment, most teens don't want to lose their social life, so grounding from electronics and such is a major part of their social life.  Keep in mind they find all kinds of ways to get online.  Nooks, itouch, PS2, kindle you name it. Let her know how dissappointed you are in her poor choice and how scared you were for her safety.  Having the officer give her the facts might help.  The officer that helped us out did that and still comes by occassionally to stop by as a reminder that there are still eyes out for her.  We spoke to the school counselor as well and they were helpful with getting her more involved with mentoring programs and things.  If anything it serves as extra interest in her and more eyes on her.  It goes without saying the our security breach was fixed, in a way it was a good thing, because we had a vulnerability we didn't know about (that she somehow found, go figure).  It will all work out, just keep listening, talking and being involved. 

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:32 PM

If it was my DD she'd be grounded for at least a month.

And that means no friends, no tv, no electronic devices. Go to school, come home, sit in room and don't come out unless it's to use the bathroom, do chores, or to eat.

On top of her regular chores she'd have extra chores too. Really gross ones that no one wants to do but need done like scrubbing out the garbage cans, etc.

I would also not believe this was the first time. Teenage girls (all girls in general) are masters at manipulation and lying. Anyone who thinks their teenage DD is perfect is delusional. Kinda like how you were thinking she was a good kid. I can guarantee she's done this or something like it before. That's what little bitches do.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:35 PM
Oohhhh I am so not looking forward to the teen years.Good luck!
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:37 PM
1 mom liked this
Yup, I was with ya till you called them little bitches. Really can't take anything you say seriously after that.

Quoting Anonymous:

If it was my DD she'd be grounded for at least a month.

And that means no friends, no tv, no electronic devices. Go to school, come home, sit in room and don't come out unless it's to use the bathroom, do chores, or to eat.

On top of her regular chores she'd have extra chores too. Really gross ones that no one wants to do but need done like scrubbing out the garbage cans, etc.

I would also not believe this was the first time. Teenage girls (all girls in general) are masters at manipulation and lying. Anyone who thinks their teenage DD is perfect is delusional. Kinda like how you were thinking she was a good kid. I can guarantee she's done this or something like it before. That's what little bitches do.

SweetPea2004
by Platinum Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:45 PM

My mother has hit me and and had incredibly harsh rules and I was not allowed to go anywhere but I did not sneak out I still respected my mother. If my daughter grows up and does things you did then yes she will be sent to a boot camp. I will not tolerate her disrespecting my house rules and going out in the middle of the night is unacceptable. I do not hit my child but either way I expect her to behave.

Quoting angelmj:

My mom was pretty mean to me actually, she once hit my face in the car door and busted my lip where I ended up bleeding everywhere. I still was not afraid of her once I was 16 I held her down and told her if she hit me again ever I would do something about it. I had plenty of anger management classes and councilors talking to me all the time and they never so much as prescribed a pill to me. I was not irrationally violent, I never went to jail, I did skip school but I passed anyways. I was by no means an easy kid to raise but I was not a criminal and did not deserve to be treated like that. So if you would send a kid away that you beat up anyways I'd say the kid would be better off not being raised by you. I am sure you don't though we all have different situations. I was rebellious because I got no freedom and I took any chance I could for it. 

Quoting SweetPea2004:

I read all your responses and if you were my kid you would have been sent to boot camp for troubled teens. I was so vastly different I never wanted to be on my parents bad side never but my mom was scary.

Quoting angelmj:

I understand how young 13 is but don't we know everything at that age? Jk and there were parents there actually she still insisted. How embarrassing I did not let that happen. So she is a church girl? So was I went to church camp every summer. A lot of those kids turn out bad weird enough. It's a good thing for you she is not being resistant. I know how bad I got as a teen, I hope she will be easier on you. I hope I'm not sounding like a know it all or anything I'm just giving you opinions from my past. I mean I was pretty well behaved till about that age. Those hormones and sense of adventure got the best of me though.


Quoting Anonymous:

If there isn't an adult at the party, your mom was right to say no. She can (well, not now) go to her friends, stay the night with friends. She WAS going on a six flags weekend trip with her church youth group. She has her own phone, access to computer, her own tv, blue ray player, stereo, all of which is being taken away. 13 is a child and there are boundaries, I refuse to walk on egg shells, too afraid to punish her for doing wrong because of what might happen. She's not typically strong willed and usually very well behaved. When she is punished for something she understands she was wrong and takes her punishment with no arguments.



Quoting angelmj:

My parents tried that you can disarm the window alarms easy sometimes. If she is as crafty as me you can put locks on her windows and put alarms on and she will still find a way out. Idk what you consider to be appropriate freedom but my mom thought allowing me to go to a party at that she was out of the question unless she went with me. Some kids just crave that excitement too. Just be careful with this one. It has to be so scary and something difficult to deal with. I seriously look at myself back then and can not come up with a way to deal with it.






Quoting Anonymous:

Were not that strict, she has her freedom, atleast what freedom is appropreate for a 13 year old. If she wants to try it again she's gonna be in for a rude awakening, were putting in temporary alarms on the doors and windows tomorrow and then having an alarm system installed. I refuse to make it easy for her to pull this shit. I never would have thought she would do this but now that she has there will be a lot of changes happening.







Quoting angelmj:

Well I use to sneak out all the time, I mean like a few times a month sometimes. My parents did everything they could to prevent it and nothing ever worked. My parents were strict and I would have to find freedom without their consent. GL with this one I'm sure she will try again some time. You can ground her, you can take away her rights and privileges but it won't help anything. I'm just speaking from my own personal experience. Maybe she is not as strong willed as I was to get into trouble.





CafeMom Tickers
angelmj
by Silver Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:51 PM

Yeah well maybe your kid won't turn out like that. And congradualtion you would send me to boot camp, seems silly for something like that. 

Quoting SweetPea2004:

My mother has hit me and and had incredibly harsh rules and I was not allowed to go anywhere but I did not sneak out I still respected my mother. If my daughter grows up and does things you did then yes she will be sent to a boot camp. I will not tolerate her disrespecting my house rules and going out in the middle of the night is unacceptable. I do not hit my child but either way I expect her to behave.

Quoting angelmj:

My mom was pretty mean to me actually, she once hit my face in the car door and busted my lip where I ended up bleeding everywhere. I still was not afraid of her once I was 16 I held her down and told her if she hit me again ever I would do something about it. I had plenty of anger management classes and councilors talking to me all the time and they never so much as prescribed a pill to me. I was not irrationally violent, I never went to jail, I did skip school but I passed anyways. I was by no means an easy kid to raise but I was not a criminal and did not deserve to be treated like that. So if you would send a kid away that you beat up anyways I'd say the kid would be better off not being raised by you. I am sure you don't though we all have different situations. I was rebellious because I got no freedom and I took any chance I could for it. 

Quoting SweetPea2004:

I read all your responses and if you were my kid you would have been sent to boot camp for troubled teens. I was so vastly different I never wanted to be on my parents bad side never but my mom was scary.

Quoting angelmj:

I understand how young 13 is but don't we know everything at that age? Jk and there were parents there actually she still insisted. How embarrassing I did not let that happen. So she is a church girl? So was I went to church camp every summer. A lot of those kids turn out bad weird enough. It's a good thing for you she is not being resistant. I know how bad I got as a teen, I hope she will be easier on you. I hope I'm not sounding like a know it all or anything I'm just giving you opinions from my past. I mean I was pretty well behaved till about that age. Those hormones and sense of adventure got the best of me though.


Quoting Anonymous:

If there isn't an adult at the party, your mom was right to say no. She can (well, not now) go to her friends, stay the night with friends. She WAS going on a six flags weekend trip with her church youth group. She has her own phone, access to computer, her own tv, blue ray player, stereo, all of which is being taken away. 13 is a child and there are boundaries, I refuse to walk on egg shells, too afraid to punish her for doing wrong because of what might happen. She's not typically strong willed and usually very well behaved. When she is punished for something she understands she was wrong and takes her punishment with no arguments.



Quoting angelmj:

My parents tried that you can disarm the window alarms easy sometimes. If she is as crafty as me you can put locks on her windows and put alarms on and she will still find a way out. Idk what you consider to be appropriate freedom but my mom thought allowing me to go to a party at that she was out of the question unless she went with me. Some kids just crave that excitement too. Just be careful with this one. It has to be so scary and something difficult to deal with. I seriously look at myself back then and can not come up with a way to deal with it.






Quoting Anonymous:

Were not that strict, she has her freedom, atleast what freedom is appropreate for a 13 year old. If she wants to try it again she's gonna be in for a rude awakening, were putting in temporary alarms on the doors and windows tomorrow and then having an alarm system installed. I refuse to make it easy for her to pull this shit. I never would have thought she would do this but now that she has there will be a lot of changes happening.







Quoting angelmj:

Well I use to sneak out all the time, I mean like a few times a month sometimes. My parents did everything they could to prevent it and nothing ever worked. My parents were strict and I would have to find freedom without their consent. GL with this one I'm sure she will try again some time. You can ground her, you can take away her rights and privileges but it won't help anything. I'm just speaking from my own personal experience. Maybe she is not as strong willed as I was to get into trouble.






Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:55 PM

that might be better  =] ive definitely seen some that make me think

Quoting Anonymous:

I was thinking maybe find a couple of documentaries of teen age girls who took off when they should have been in bed sleeping and never made it back home.

Quoting Anonymous:

i like this idea, drive her to some bad neighborhoods at like 2 am show her the sunken face sad aids hookers and the hobos on drugs thatll scare her maybe


Quoting Anonymous:

Thank God she's ok, Maybe have her scared straight somehow to see what could happen to her from all te crazies out there.



thetrollcat
by Meow on Jan. 2, 2013 at 8:09 PM

My teen tried sneaking out several times, I caught her most times. I started doing NIGHT CHECKS since I am a night owl hubby is early bird. So ya, if she snuck out we would catch her.

She got her privelages taken away, and had to earn them back. In my house, you earn privelages by earning our trust. If you can't be trusted then we cannot give you privelages.

Ali5683
by Platinum Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 8:15 PM

Um, she's 13!! Could have been worse in my opinion...

I snuck out ALL the time throughout my teens. I never drank or did drugs. But I snuck out. No big deal. I know as a parent it freaks us out especially when it's not in her nature to do so. But seriously, I doubt this is the last time. If so, you're a lucky mom. :)

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