What do you do about an enmeshed MIL/DH?
- 188 Replies
I didn't realize how close my DH and MIL were until we married. At the time, my in-laws were stationed overseas, and DH did talk to his mom every day, but I didn't realize it, because they talked over the computer with instant messaging. If I had seen him, I would have just thought he was on his computer.
Once they moved back to the states, I realized that when my MIL is upset and needs comfort, she usually calls my BIL, but also often calls my DH. She rarely talks to my FIL. I think she might want to be strong for my FIL, like she always was during deployments orduring times they lived separately because of where he got stationed. She got breast cancer after she moved and my BIL was a pretty constant source of support for her, but she also leaned on DH. I don't actually think I minded it, until she started calling DH to comfort her for problems, issues, and worries she had about me.
I also didn't realize it, but everytime DH and I had problems, he told his mom we were going to break up or get a divorce. He now knows this is wrong. The psychiatrist we see for marriage counseling says this is a big step. At least he says he knows that. I don't believe it yet (that everytime he disagrees with me he won't run to his mom, and tell her we're getting a divorce which will bring out her mama bear instincts to protect him), but when you read conversations on your husband's account and see he's talking to his mom about how to get full custody with no visitation for you, then trust is a pretty uphill battle.
While we've been working on our marriage, our marriage counselor suggested we tell his parents that unless they agree to follow our boundaries, they cannot participate in our lives. They would not agree to this, so we cut them off. My husband cheats pretty often, but always insists he didn't mean to.
We tried to set one boundary before cutting them off. That was saying they couldn't call my husband up to talk about me. My MIL cried and refused and said she couldn't agree to that, because he wasn't somebody's husband-- he was her son. We said other words, she ended up yelling, so I ended the video chat and haven't spoken to them since the summer.
The holidays made DH want them in our lives again. I'm feeling inclined to agree as well, but I don't know how we should slowly go about it. I don't want to end up on the brink of a custody battle again.
EDIT: By "cheating" I meant we agreed to not talk or see his parents until they agreed to follow our boundaries. We came to this agreement in marriage counseling while under the direction of a psychiatrist. They were unable to follow the first boundary we gave them and MIL started screaming, so she never heard any others.
I say he "cheats" because our psychiatrist calls it cheating. Without discussing it with me, he is going against an agreement he made. If he wanted to have his parents back in his life, that's something we can discuss and then work to move forward with that action as a united front. Also, it is behavior he would not do in front of me, or else he would not feel the need to sneak. Every once in a while, I'll see him on the phone with an expression of guilt to his face, and he'll admit he's been talking to his parents. First he tried to say they only talked about finances, but I put my foot down and insisted we separate our finances. (DH makes over $100k a year, which is more than my FIL. Sometimes when they came to visit, they had to borrow gas money to get home. It's ridiculous that DH was taking money or help from them.) Then he said he had a question about what to do with his career and wanted to talk it over with his dad. Earlier last week, I asked if his parents knew about a very personal medical issue my mom had, because my MIL posted on my Mom's boyfriend's FB wall about it. (He accepted her friend request. My mom won't be friends with her online, after she accused me of being an abusive and neglectful mom and tried to get DH to file for sole custody.) My husband said he told them about my mom's private medical issues, but didn't know how it came up. He tried to sneak their Christmas presents into the house and told me they were from his grandparents, then changed his story and said it was from his brother. Then I saw the box they came in and caught him because it still had the return address on it. (My MIL told me keeping the kids away from her was unfair because of all the gifts they've given. I then talked it over with DH and we agreed his parents were no longer allowed to give us gifts until they understood that buying a gift is not the same as buying acess to people. We agreed to stop taking money from them, but he kept taking money from them for five months before it came out in our marriage counseling. Now, our finances are separate, though I suspect something is going on, because our bank had an issue with one of our charges and called my FIL, who called us to let us know about it. DH insists the bank would have no reason to do that, but I think if I finances were truly separate then that wouldn't have happened.
That's the kind of things I mean by cheating.
Quoting Anonymous:Oh, wow. I have an ex-husband I share custody of my oldest with. He wasn't the most monogamous, either. But he's a devoted dad and works hard to provide for DD. And he didn't struggle with addiction at all.
Quoting TwinmomAlicia: Oh, yeah. And alcoholism, and not being able to pass the exam to move up from E2 to E3. His military career lasted about as long as our marriage.
Quoting Anonymous: Wow. My in-laws make military families look so close sometimes. But infidelity is really, really frowned upon in the military, I thought.
Quoting TwinmomAlicia: I am sorry, that sounds awful! It reminds me of my ex a lot and was one of many reasons he is my ex. His mom actually passed away when he was 15 but they way he talked about her made me glad I didn't have to compete with her. That sounds cold but it is true. He replaced his mom with his aunt, though. She was married to his mom's brother and they were best friends, so she took my ex and his sister under her wing and became as enmeshed with him as his mom was. As one example, right after we were married we moved 600 miles away because he was in the military. The first time we came home to visit we stayed with my parents and his aunt called me and said she wanted only him to come over and spend the night, because they needed "family time." And I was his wife! He didn't see anything wrong with it and refused to say anything to his aunt about how much it hurt me. I started thinking about divorce then and we'd only been married for 3 months. Granted, there were other issues, such as infidelity, alcoholism and abuse but I do know what you are going through. That is great that you are in therapy and he admits he was wrong. I hope you guys eventually get it worked out. Good luck!
I didn't cut him off. We cut them off. He told them that if they couldn't follow our boundaries, then they couldn't participate in our lives. They have not agreed to our boundaries yet, which are to stop talking to him about their issues with me. It's just very hard on him, because we never expected them to refuse to agree to it. I think it's hard, because to my FIL it's like saying I'm the boss and can dictate their behavior. And to my MIL it's like saying that she can't talk to her son, because saying she can't talk to him about her problems with me feels to her like I'm saying she can't talk to him, even though there are obviously many things my husband likes to discuss other than me. Like his job. And politics.
Quoting Sendmeaway2012: You can't cut him off cold turkey from mom. Getting them presents or talking to them sometimes might be good for him. It's selfish to take your kids away from them too. I guess since he's living about things, he needs to stop. Also, anything about your marriage should be off limits.
Oh. Whew. I thought he was the dad of the two babies in your picture by your user name. That's awesome. Congratulations. And you're right. It's now part of your story. (my daughter likes to say that about her scars she's gotten. I figure it works for our grown up "life scars.")
Quoting TwinmomAlicia: It's ok. We didn't have any kids together, thank God. And if I hadn't married him and moved here, I never would have met my current husband who is the love of my life. It was my path, as hard as it was, and I have no regrets.
Quoting Anonymous: Oh, wow. I have an ex-husband I share custody of my oldest with. He wasn't the most monogamous, either. But he's a devoted dad and works hard to provide for DD. And he didn't struggle with addiction at all.
Quoting TwinmomAlicia: Oh, yeah. And alcoholism, and not being able to pass the exam to move up from E2 to E3. His military career lasted about as long as our marriage.
Quoting Anonymous: Wow. My in-laws make military families look so close sometimes. But infidelity is really, really frowned upon in the military, I thought.
Quoting TwinmomAlicia: I am sorry, that sounds awful! It reminds me of my ex a lot and was one of many reasons he is my ex. His mom actually passed away when he was 15 but they way he talked about her made me glad I didn't have to compete with her. That sounds cold but it is true. He replaced his mom with his aunt, though. She was married to his mom's brother and they were best friends, so she took my ex and his sister under her wing and became as enmeshed with him as his mom was. As one example, right after we were married we moved 600 miles away because he was in the military. The first time we came home to visit we stayed with my parents and his aunt called me and said she wanted only him to come over and spend the night, because they needed "family time." And I was his wife! He didn't see anything wrong with it and refused to say anything to his aunt about how much it hurt me. I started thinking about divorce then and we'd only been married for 3 months. Granted, there were other issues, such as infidelity, alcoholism and abuse but I do know what you are going through. That is great that you are in therapy and he admits he was wrong. I hope you guys eventually get it worked out. Good luck!
Quoting Anonymous:Oh. Whew. I thought he was the dad of the two babies in your picture by your user name. That's awesome. Congratulations. And you're right. It's now part of your story. (my daughter likes to say that about her scars she's gotten. I figure it works for our grown up "life scars.")
Quoting TwinmomAlicia: It's ok. We didn't have any kids together, thank God. And if I hadn't married him and moved here, I never would have met my current husband who is the love of my life. It was my path, as hard as it was, and I have no regrets.
Quoting Anonymous: Oh, wow. I have an ex-husband I share custody of my oldest with. He wasn't the most monogamous, either. But he's a devoted dad and works hard to provide for DD. And he didn't struggle with addiction at all.
Quoting TwinmomAlicia: Oh, yeah. And alcoholism, and not being able to pass the exam to move up from E2 to E3. His military career lasted about as long as our marriage.
Quoting Anonymous: Wow. My in-laws make military families look so close sometimes. But infidelity is really, really frowned upon in the military, I thought.
Quoting TwinmomAlicia: I am sorry, that sounds awful! It reminds me of my ex a lot and was one of many reasons he is my ex. His mom actually passed away when he was 15 but they way he talked about her made me glad I didn't have to compete with her. That sounds cold but it is true. He replaced his mom with his aunt, though. She was married to his mom's brother and they were best friends, so she took my ex and his sister under her wing and became as enmeshed with him as his mom was. As one example, right after we were married we moved 600 miles away because he was in the military. The first time we came home to visit we stayed with my parents and his aunt called me and said she wanted only him to come over and spend the night, because they needed "family time." And I was his wife! He didn't see anything wrong with it and refused to say anything to his aunt about how much it hurt me. I started thinking about divorce then and we'd only been married for 3 months. Granted, there were other issues, such as infidelity, alcoholism and abuse but I do know what you are going through. That is great that you are in therapy and he admits he was wrong. I hope you guys eventually get it worked out. Good luck!
He still complains about stuff to my BIL. It's just that my BIL would never try to swoop in and "save him." But I pointed out to my husband that he was saying stuff to my BIL that he wouldn't say in front of me, and he says that I'm right and he doesn't know why he does that. I know we all need to vent to people some time. Maybe he needs a Cafedad where he can bitch about me to strangers.
Quoting ihave1: I am all for trying to save a marriage. Sorry its great that you were & I have no advice really to give you. Sorry I would be a bitch too. Hope that it all works out for you guys, I really do. What your mil does is not right.Quoting Anonymous: I just wanted to save my marriage. To that end, we followed the advice we were given in marriage counseling to a tee. If that makes me a bitch, then I'd rather be a bitch with a husband than a bitch going through a custody battle. If my husband could just figure out how to stop complaining to his mom about his wife, then we wouldn't have this problem. She's a loving mother. She wants to rescue her son from every thing that hurts him or makes him miserable. If he says that's me, it doesn't matter if he was just blowing off steam and changes his mind. He just set his mom up for failure because he's convinced her that she needs to get him away from his wife, which pits her against that wife... in this situation, me. In many ways, I do not have a MIL problem. I have a DH problem.Quoting ihave1: You sound like a bitch who likes to control her spouse.
I hope I don't come off as too crazy. I had a point recetly with my husband where I kind of blew up on him. Because I'd been willing to go along with this whole charade of well it's really your mom's fault because she shouldn't have said I was abusing my daughter or neglecting our son. But the truth is, if she was getting chemo and dealing with cancer and I felt like a safer dangerous thing for her to worry about, than it's fine that she said those things about me. What's wrong is for my husband to say well since I've been thinking about divorce I should go for full custody and try to keep her from getting visitation. His mom was basing her observations from one week of being here while he was out of town. Because of my husband's job, he didn't see us in person from January until the end of the summer last year. But I stayed with my mom for three months. If my mom had thought I was abusing or neglecting my kids she would have called CPS on me. Forget that. She would have straight up called the cops. My husband admitted that was true. My mom's pretty intense. Whereas, when she drove away after visiting me, my MIL was absolutely convinced that I was going to hurt her grandson. And instead of calling the cops, she called my husband, who was 2,700 miles away. I asked my husband why he believed his mom, who was taking a ton of medicine, and didn't try to call or ask anyone about it. He said, "Oh, I don't know. That would have been smart."
Quoting littlesippycup: Thatis some extra crazy shit right there.
He's much closer to my FIL than he is to my MIL. My BIL said that he's always been more of my MIL's son, and my husband's always been more of my FIL's son. Before I ever had a single disagreement with my MIL, I had many disagreements with my FIL. But my FIL talked to me about it. And I talked to him about it. My husband would never even have known about these disagreements if my MIL hadn't messaged him after them saying, "Can you give ud any tips on how to deal with your wife? You dad was trying to discuss something with her and she got very worked up and you know this isn't how we talk in our family." Or she'd say "I don't know what to do about her. Your dad tried to talk to her again and she said she had to think about it what he'd said and it was just so cool and distanced. I'm very unused to this. What would you do in dealing with her?" And that time my husband responded with the message "I dunno. I wasn't there." He talked to me each time after his mom messaged me and said his parents always try to tell you what you should do. But I should just smile, nod and agree. Then do whatever I was planning on doing in the first place. Because that's what he does.
Quoting FL2AK: He is close to his mom and they are a source of support for each other. I don't see an issue and I am willing to bet that if he had the same relationship with his dad you wouldn't either.
I came really close to getting out when I found out about the plan for divorce. But my husband's been super apologetic and tried to do everything he could to make it up for me since then. He gave me all the passwords to his accounts so I could see if he was talking to people about divorcing me, he let me take screenshots of the conversations where he'd talked to his mom about trying to take our son across the country and file for divorce there, talk about going for sole custody and keeping me from getting visitation. I might not be able to get paperwork like that entered into a trial, but I can show it to a GAL and then that can be used to form that GAL's recommendations for custody.
Quoting Anonymous: I have been there and stayed way too long. The next thing I knew CPS was knocking on my door clamimg that the childern's gramdma had concerns and about the same time I was served with divorce papers. GET OUT. IT WILL NOT CHANGE.
What? You believe your husband is CHEATING when he talks to his own parents against your demand that he cut them off.
You simply do not have this authority to demand your husband stop speaking to his own parents because you don't like how close they are. And you were taking MONEY from them? Oh my. That is really his business. And he has told you that he is not going to follow your parameters.
You have to decide if you can live with this man who has not detached from his parents.
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