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Update 6: THE ADOPTION WAS FINALIZED TODAY!!!! Update 7: Talked to ds.

Posted by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 11:48 PM
  • 147 Replies
1 mom liked this

 

Poll

Question: Should we offer bm the open adoption? (This poll doesn't really matter anymore because we offered her the open adoption and it has been finalized. Feel free to vote anyway if you really want to. )

Options:

Open Adoption

Closed adoption with bm having contact

Closed Adoption with no contact


Only group members can vote in this poll.

Total Votes: 209

View Results

*Highlighted the main points for easier skimming*

Background (the short version): DS8 hasn't seen bio mom in more than 2 1/2 yrs. Pretrial for adoption is TUESDAY. Final trial date is two weeks later. bm has two other kids that live with their dad. bm has spent the past couple of years job-hopping, couch-hopping, etc. No stability what so ever. Partying nearly every weekend and working as a bartender. She was ordered supervised visitations but never set them up. she said that she had no money and no car... but she's a bartender and somehow manages to make it to work at several dif locations throughout the past couple of years.  *note: much of this info was extracted from fb via a mutual fb "friend".*

ffwd to today: dh was snooping on bm's fb page. He decides to call her cause he sees that she is moving back to our area and he wants to know what is going on/ why she is all of a sudden, right before court, moving close to us (she has always lived within 45 mins of us). After an hour and a half on the phone with her he finds out that she had no car to make it to the supervised meetings and that is why she never set them up. She figured she was going to fail anyway so why even bother. She says that she gave up and spent the past couple of years boozing it up because she wanted to drown her sorrows (she has been this way forever. do nothing and then play "poor poor pitiful me") BM has always been a manipulator. DH never falls for her shit and always calls her bluff. Today, however, ds thinks that she might actually be ready to change. Maybe being so close to losing her son forever has made her realize that she needs to step up and be a mom to her kids. She also tells dh that she is now living with her ex so that she can be with her two other children.

Poor ds is caught in the middle of all this. He doesn't know the majority of the info said above. He was told that mommy wasn't making good decisions so it is best for her to not act like his mommy and when he is older he will be able to go look for her. I promised him I would help him find her. DS misses bm. He says that he wishes she would do the right thing at set up the meetings (supervised visitations). I know he would be much happier if she would just step up to the plate and be his mom so he could have a relationship with her.

BM has done so much (or so little. however you want to look at it) in the past few yrs that there is NO way that she could prove to us that she is capable of taking care of him. If anything ever happened to dh we would NOT want ds to be handed over to her. We still want to follow through with the adoption but we are considering an open adoption. I am so scared about this. I know that it would make ds SO happy if he could have a relationship with his mom. I am afraid that she will just let him down again though like she has done so many times before but at the same time, how will she ever prove that she can do it if we never give her the chance. I know that if we do an open adoption we will have to do all the leg work for her just like we have always done before and I resent that a lot! I just want to do what is best for my son and I want him to be happy.. even if that means that I have to do everything for her.

We have not presented bm with the prospect of an open adoption. She knows that we are weighing our options and trying to figure out what we think is best for ds and if we decided that she should not be a part of his life then we will continue with the termination of her rights and the adoption and it will be up to her to convince the court that she should keep her parental rights... which would be near impossible to do. We did tell her when and where to show up to court on Tuesday. She said she would be there but she has to find a ride. I have not gotten a hold of our attorney (I left several voice-mails though) and I sent an email to dh's counselor (he has been seeing the same counselor since before bm was out of the picture) asking her to call me asap and giving her a brief summary of today's events.

Edit** A little more background ** DH was in a similar situation when he was a kid where his bm pushed bf out of the picture completely because he was not a good person or a good parent. DH always wanted to have a relationship with his bf. Now that he is older and he does have a relationship with him, he knows what a pos his bf really is but he still resents his bm for making that decision for him.

Update: I talked to dh last night about the possibility of having a closed adoption and still allowing bm to visit and the benefits of this. He asked me if he could sleep on it. A reasonable request. We still haven't heard back from the attorney or the counselor.

Update 2: DH talked to bm again today and offered her open adoption. She said that she's not signing away her rights unless she has a guarantee that she will be able to see ds. Hopefully we will be able to sit down with our attorney tomorrow and figure out what exactly we need to do from here.

Update 3: Talked to our attorney. She said in our state generaly to do an "open adoption" you have the bp sign a standard relinquishment form and a Rule 11 (Rule 11 says that an agreement between the parties involved in a law suit can be made enforceable and binding if it is in writing. The agreement must be signed by the attorneys or parties making the agreement). I called bm 3 times to talk to her and see if she would be willing to do this but she didn't answer. I texted her and am waiting on her to call back. If she does not contact us back then we will proceed with the adoption as planned and bm will not be getting a rule 11.

Update 4: Talked to bm. She understands that she is going to lose her parental rights no matter what but has her reservations about me adopting ds (not open for negotiation but understandable). She has no transportation so we will be picking her up at the apt she is staying at and the three of us will meet with our attorney to get all of the paperwork signed. She asked if she can talk to ds this afternoon. We agreed but i'm not willing to let hr talk to him until after dh and I have a chance to sit down with ds and explain to him what is happening now. I'm not going to just blind side him with a phone call from his lost long bm.

Update 5: DH picked up bm from the apt where she is living and drove her to our attorney's office to meet with me and the attorney. She signed the relinquishment of parental rights and we agreed on the specifics of the Rule 11. DS's next apt with his counselor is in a 1 1/2 weeks. We will explain everything to him at the apt and bm agreed that it would be best to wait to do the first phone call until that day where ds's counselor will be there to supervise. We set up another apt with the counselor for a few days later where he will be able to meet with her for their first face to face supervised visit (counselor will be supervising this visit as well). I am very excited for ds. He has waited a long time for a chance to have a relationship with bm and I know this will make him very happy! BM has also asked if she can go to the final adoption trial so that she can show ds that she supports this decision and that the adoption is a good thing. I pray that bm gets her act together and doesn't let ds down this time.

Update 6: DH and I went to court this morning for our pretrial (judge is supposed to look over our paperwork and we let her know we are ready for trial). When the judge saw that we had ALL of our paperwork she asked us if we would like to go ahead and proceed with trial right then!!!! BIG SURPRISE for everyone including our attorney!!! She approved bm's parental termination AND the adoption!!! I am so elated right now!!! I can't wait to tell DS(!!!! I can officially call him my DS!! How awesome is THAT!!!) when we pick him up from school today! We are supposed to be going to his favorite pizza/arcade place to celebrate. I'll update with his reaction to the news tonight or tomorrow morning. :-D I seriously can not contain myself right now!! I'm beyond elated!!!

Update 7: DH and I sat down with ds after get got home from school. We explained to him that bm agreed that it would be best for me to adopt him and for him to to able to start communicating with her. He said that he would like that. We looked at the calendar and he figured out how many days it will be until he goes to see his counselor so that he can start counting down. He was more calm/ less outwardly excited than I expected. We decided to go celebrate on Friday so that we don't have to worry so much about bed time :)

by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 11:48 PM
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Replies (1-10):
EmBoogRaysMommy
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:27 AM

BUMP!

maciymommieof3
by Silver Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:28 AM

I have watched too much Lifetime movies tonight...my first indication would be to say ..........Hell to the NO!

EmBoogRaysMommy
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:29 AM

BUMP!

Hannahluvsdogs
by Ruby Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:33 AM
2 moms liked this

You should allow the open adoption, because your son has a right to know his BM. Even if she hasn't changed and he does get hurt, he'll learn from that experience. If you don't allow it, he won't know what she's really like and may end up resenting you. Plus if she has changed, it's not fair to either of them to not give them a chance to have a relationship.

bustybee
by Buzz Lightyear on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:36 AM

I would go through with the adoption, and then let her do all the work for access.

I use the method of blaming hte judge. ds1, who is 5, has a lot of resentment towards his biodad. the whole 3 years of nothing and then he gets no contact with mommy for 30% of the year and they force him to be someone else, etc etc. so to reduce ds's stress and resentment towards his bd, I explained that the judge felt it was best that he spend time with his bd and his mommy, but separately. it has definately releaved many stresses for him.

what if you proceed with the adoption, and tell him that the judge felt that his bm needed to make her own decisions and when she does, you and his dad will honor them as much as you can. until then, he should know that she loves him, she just doesn't know how to show it?

EmBoogRaysMommy
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:36 AM

This is pretty much what dh and I are thinking. DH went through his childhood without his bf b/c his bm decided that this was what was best for him. Now that he is older, he has a relationship with his bf and has realized how shitty of a person he really is but he still resents his bm for making that decision for him. I don't want ds to resent us for trying to protect him. I just don't want to see him hurt anymore.

Quoting Hannahluvsdogs:

You should allow the open adoption, because your son has a right to know his BM. Even if she hasn't changed and he does get hurt, he'll learn from that experience. If you don't allow it, he won't know what she's really like and may end up resenting you. Plus if she has changed, it's not fair to either of them to not give them a chance to have a relationship.


Mommytorn
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:38 AM
1 mom liked this
Honestly? I would terminate her rights and have a closed adoption..you will LEGALLY be his mom now but as long as you and your hubby agree and BM is putting forth the effort I would let your DS see her..the adoption will give BM no legal standing or right to your DS should something happen to your hubby and the three of you can decide when, where and how long DS can see BM without her being able to get the courts involved!
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EmBoogRaysMommy
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:39 AM

If bm does not agree to the open adoption then we will probably tell ds something like this.

Quoting bustybee:

I would go through with the adoption, and then let her do all the work for access.

I use the method of blaming hte judge. ds1, who is 5, has a lot of resentment towards his biodad. the whole 3 years of nothing and then he gets no contact with mommy for 30% of the year and they force him to be someone else, etc etc. so to reduce ds's stress and resentment towards his bd, I explained that the judge felt it was best that he spend time with his bd and his mommy, but separately. it has definately releaved many stresses for him.

what if you proceed with the adoption, and tell him that the judge felt that his bm needed to make her own decisions and when she does, you and his dad will honor them as much as you can. until then, he should know that she loves him, she just doesn't know how to show it?


EmBoogRaysMommy
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:42 AM

If we can not get bm to willingly do the open adoption then this is exactly what we will do. But there is no way that she is going to sign paperwork that gives her zero access to ds if she makes the effort to show up on Tuesday. She wants to be a part of his life now. If we want a closed adoption we will have to take her rights from her. She wont just let them go... even after all this time and esp since dh reached out to her today not the other way around. He gave her hope to move forward. Maybe that's what she needed to pull herself together.

Quoting Mommytorn:

Honestly? I would terminate her rights and have a closed adoption..you will LEGALLY be his mom now but as long as you and your hubby agree and BM is putting forth the effort I would let your DS see her..the adoption will give BM no legal standing or right to your DS should something happen to your hubby and the three of you can decide when, where and how long DS can see BM without her being able to get the courts involved!


Pnukey
by Jenn on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:43 AM
1 mom liked this

Adoption, open or closed, means YOU legally are the mama, not her. So it really doesn't matter if it's "open" or "closed." That just determines if and when and how the parents allow BM contact. Since DS already knows he has a BM, it's a moot point.

By all means though, make sure she has to do all the legwork to visit.

My parents adopted three boys. They would all be considered open since the boys knew they were adopted and they eventually tracked down their birth moms too. Those moms just didn't want anything to do with them, even as adults.

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