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Dh recently found out he has another son

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

We have been together for 10 years, married for almost 8 and have 5 children together. A year ago, he found out he has a 12 (now 13) year old son. She wrote him a letter telling him about his son and in the letter, it clearly states that she didn't tell him when she got pregnant. She ended up moving with her family (they were both 18 at the time) out of state and found out she was pregnant and chose to not contact him.

It included her number so after we talked about it, we called her. He told her he would like to have a relationship with him. She said "oh no, that's not why I contacted you, I want my money, you have been a dead beat father for 12 years and I want what you owe, you can see him when you pay ever dime you owe". My brother is an attorney who specializes in family law. He said that because we can prove that DH had no knowledge of the child, he does not owe child support for the past. We also decided to fight paying current child support since, while this is my DH's bio child, he was robbed of the chance to be a father to him, he didn't get to know him as a baby (during the time most of the bonding takes place), he missed most of his growing up and has had no say in how he was raised.

We went to court last month and the judge ordered that DH get the whole summer every year and all of the breaks. He practically laughed at DH's ex when she said she wanted back child support since he was born after we showed him the letter and ordered DH to pay child support based on having 5 other children. Usually, they don't do that when the child the support is ordered for is the first child but since DH didn't know about him and therefore had no reason to have to plan to pay child support, the judge did it. Since the judge also ordered that DH's ex has to pay all transportation costs, the amount of CS will pretty much just cover that.

After talking to his son and understanding that his son does have a life and wants to spend time with his friends and family, DH said that his son could visit as long as he wants, which they agreed would be 2 weeks each summer and a week during spring break.

The sad thing is, I don't think she would have ever contacted him had she not found out that he has a good job and makes a nice income. I am glad that it all worked out in court for us but I do feel bad for my DH. At the same time, and I have a hard time admitting this, I am glad he didn't know. There is no way we would have had all 5 of our kids knowing he has another, especially if he would have been paying the full amount of CS.

He will be coming this spring break for about a week, that's in just a few months. I want to make him feel welcome but at the same time, I don't want my kids to feel unimportant. We have a 5 bedroom home (the twins share a room) but downstairs, we have a computer room that is closed in and it has a fold out couch in it, I was thinking about putting him in there, what do you think? Any other advice?

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:16 AM
Replies (11-20):
JMmomof2
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:35 AM
5 moms liked this
Move the couch and put a bed in there. Make it his room. Decorate it like you would for a teenage boy. Leave the computer in there. But this kid is part of your family's now, make him feel it. No pull out sofas not blow up mattress etc he needs a room or bm can get pissy about that too.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:37 AM


Quoting lucky2Beeme:


Quoting Anonymous:

There is really no place to put another bed in it without buying all new furniture. The twins have 2 twin beds that can not be turned into bunk beds. With their dressers and a toy box each, there is no way to put another bed in there. To make it work, we would have to go buy a set of bunk beds and get rid of one of the twin beds. I am not going to do that for someone who will be here 3 weeks a year at most. Plus, a 13 year old boy probably wouldn't want to share a room with 2 6 year olds.

Quoting lucky2Beeme:


Quoting Anonymous:

No, he is 13, we have a 9 and almost 7 year old DDs, twin boys (who already share a room) who are 6 and a 2 year old DD.

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

Do you have a child near his age of same sex that could share a room with him. I think making him sleep in office away from everyone might make him feel left out.


  I would make up that office bed but also offer himn to camp with the twins.


 If its only for 2 weeks during the summer couldnt your twins share a bed. DHs son just might want to share. It might make him feel more part of the family.

no, they would be fighting all night long. They are one of those sets of twins, they fight constantly if they are together too much or don't have their own space.

SweetandSassy12
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:38 AM
I would be too it cant be easy to go through this


Quoting Anonymous:

I was SHOCKED. My DH was never a man whore or anything like that where you would expect this. He has only been with 3 women including me.


Quoting SweetandSassy12:

What thats crazy



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sweet_bumblbee
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:39 AM

First of all I think you handled this all very well. I think giving him options is Key he is a teenager. He might like his privacy. But most important make sure you and your Dh is always on the same page with him. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:40 AM

If he lived in the state where he would be here every other weekend and half of the breaks, I would be 100% with you on that. In fact, the computer would be out of there and it would be his room. But it is a room we use quite a bit and since he will only be here 3 weeks a year, I think making it his room is a bit excessive. She can't get pissy about it either, all we have to do is provide him a place to sleep that is not the floor (we contacted CPS to ask what we are expected to have) in a room that does not have people of the opposite sex sleeping in it.

Quoting JMmomof2:

Move the couch and put a bed in there. Make it his room. Decorate it like you would for a teenage boy. Leave the computer in there. But this kid is part of your family's now, make him feel it. No pull out sofas not blow up mattress etc he needs a room or bm can get pissy about that too.


rjsmommy214
by Silver Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:40 AM

wow!

la-cosa-nostra
by Gold Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:41 AM
Talk to DH and see where he thinks his son should sleep. I don't think he should share with the twins, but I don't know the layout of your house to think if any other options. I'm sure a pull out couch would be fine. It's not like he will be isolated when awake, so I don't think matters if he sleeps away from everyone. He'd probably prefer a space away to get alone time, that's a lot of people who he barely knows. I would think he'd want to be alone at night to get a chance to adjust.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:43 AM

Once I got over the shock, it wasn't bad. I mean it was way before me and DH got together and he honestly didn't know so I can't be mad at him over it. I can't be mad at the kid, honestly I really feel for him, I am annoyed and his mom but she lives out of state so my dealing with her is very minimal. If anything, I think she is jealous of the fact that I get to be a SAHM

Quoting SweetandSassy12:

I would be too it cant be easy to go through this


Quoting Anonymous:

I was SHOCKED. My DH was never a man whore or anything like that where you would expect this. He has only been with 3 women including me.


Quoting SweetandSassy12:

What thats crazy




evelynolivesmom
by Gold Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:44 AM

 It would fairly cheap and easy to make the office into a temp. bedroom for the boy and it would probably make him feel a more comfortable and have some privacy.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:44 AM
1 mom liked this
I feel bad for the poor guy.I can.not beleave how some women act.I bet she had anther guy playing daddy they broke up and he left.
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