Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Dh recently found out he has another son

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

We have been together for 10 years, married for almost 8 and have 5 children together. A year ago, he found out he has a 12 (now 13) year old son. She wrote him a letter telling him about his son and in the letter, it clearly states that she didn't tell him when she got pregnant. She ended up moving with her family (they were both 18 at the time) out of state and found out she was pregnant and chose to not contact him.

It included her number so after we talked about it, we called her. He told her he would like to have a relationship with him. She said "oh no, that's not why I contacted you, I want my money, you have been a dead beat father for 12 years and I want what you owe, you can see him when you pay ever dime you owe". My brother is an attorney who specializes in family law. He said that because we can prove that DH had no knowledge of the child, he does not owe child support for the past. We also decided to fight paying current child support since, while this is my DH's bio child, he was robbed of the chance to be a father to him, he didn't get to know him as a baby (during the time most of the bonding takes place), he missed most of his growing up and has had no say in how he was raised.

We went to court last month and the judge ordered that DH get the whole summer every year and all of the breaks. He practically laughed at DH's ex when she said she wanted back child support since he was born after we showed him the letter and ordered DH to pay child support based on having 5 other children. Usually, they don't do that when the child the support is ordered for is the first child but since DH didn't know about him and therefore had no reason to have to plan to pay child support, the judge did it. Since the judge also ordered that DH's ex has to pay all transportation costs, the amount of CS will pretty much just cover that.

After talking to his son and understanding that his son does have a life and wants to spend time with his friends and family, DH said that his son could visit as long as he wants, which they agreed would be 2 weeks each summer and a week during spring break.

The sad thing is, I don't think she would have ever contacted him had she not found out that he has a good job and makes a nice income. I am glad that it all worked out in court for us but I do feel bad for my DH. At the same time, and I have a hard time admitting this, I am glad he didn't know. There is no way we would have had all 5 of our kids knowing he has another, especially if he would have been paying the full amount of CS.

He will be coming this spring break for about a week, that's in just a few months. I want to make him feel welcome but at the same time, I don't want my kids to feel unimportant. We have a 5 bedroom home (the twins share a room) but downstairs, we have a computer room that is closed in and it has a fold out couch in it, I was thinking about putting him in there, what do you think? Any other advice?

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:16 AM
Replies (31-40):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:56 AM
I would clean up the room for him to stay him. It may take time for him to build a relationship with his dad and you should just support that. 12 is a tough age- pre teen!
You should tell the older kids the complete truth and let your younger kids know you will be having a very special guest.
momofmany86
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:57 AM

That's a crummy situation.

I think him sleeping in the office on the pull out couch is fine. Maybe he will want more time there after a few visits, and if that ever happens, then you will have to consider different sleeping arrangements. (What I mean by that, is that he could end up deciding at some point that he wants to try living with his dad.)

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:57 AM

DH has told her that she may e-mail him to contact him, no phone. He wants to have everything in writting, that usually makes things more civil between people

Quoting SweetandSassy12:

She could be jelouse .. But thats good that your dealings with her are minimum imo the less bs the better


Quoting Anonymous:

Once I got over the shock, it wasn't bad. I mean it was way before me and DH got together and he honestly didn't know so I can't be mad at him over it. I can't be mad at the kid, honestly I really feel for him, I am annoyed and his mom but she lives out of state so my dealing with her is very minimal. If anything, I think she is jealous of the fact that I get to be a SAHM


Quoting SweetandSassy12:

I would be too it cant be easy to go through this





Quoting Anonymous:

I was SHOCKED. My DH was never a man whore or anything like that where you would expect this. He has only been with 3 women including me.



Quoting SweetandSassy12:

What thats crazy







Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:59 AM

I might talk to my boys to see if they want to share with him (it's not all about him remember). I am thinking though, that this might be a lot of them, at least at first

Quoting MysticalKnight:

I would get a roll away bed. Than if he does want to put it in with his new brothers he could it would only be out at night time.  Or he could stay in the computer room.

Quoting Anonymous:

Dh agrees with me and that's what I was thinking. If it were me, I would want a place I could go to be by myself if I needed

Quoting la-cosa-nostra:

Talk to DH and see where he thinks his son should sleep. I don't think he should share with the twins, but I don't know the layout of your house to think if any other options. I'm sure a pull out couch would be fine. It's not like he will be isolated when awake, so I don't think matters if he sleeps away from everyone. He'd probably prefer a space away to get alone time, that's a lot of people who he barely knows. I would think he'd want to be alone at night to get a chance to adjust.




SweetandSassy12
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:02 PM
Hes smart ... I personally dont see her as fit emotionally being that she was like you have a son but you cant see him until you pay me she obviously has her own selfish needs as priority that and even if your dh said im.not paying you crap she couldnt withold visitation women like that make me ill


Quoting Anonymous:

DH has told her that she may e-mail him to contact him, no phone. He wants to have everything in writting, that usually makes things more civil between people


Quoting SweetandSassy12:

She could be jelouse .. But thats good that your dealings with her are minimum imo the less bs the better





Quoting Anonymous:

Once I got over the shock, it wasn't bad. I mean it was way before me and DH got together and he honestly didn't know so I can't be mad at him over it. I can't be mad at the kid, honestly I really feel for him, I am annoyed and his mom but she lives out of state so my dealing with her is very minimal. If anything, I think she is jealous of the fact that I get to be a SAHM



Quoting SweetandSassy12:

I would be too it cant be easy to go through this








Quoting Anonymous:

I was SHOCKED. My DH was never a man whore or anything like that where you would expect this. He has only been with 3 women including me.




Quoting SweetandSassy12:

What thats crazy










Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:02 PM

Yes, I asked for suggestions but some of the suggestions just don't fit my situation. He is not the only child involved, there are 5 more children that I am considering. I want to be welcoming  but I am not going to do anything at the expense of my own children. And yes, I admit I resent the situation, not DH, not the child but the situation. I didn't sign up to be a step mom but that's what is happening. I am dealing with it the best I can

Quoting Anonymous:

It sounds like you want to be welcoming but are also hellbent on not giving him what he needs. Everyone gives suggestions and nothing works so why ask. You do resent the situation but you won't admit it. In the end your dh son is gonna be the one who suffers :-(


MysticalKnight
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:03 PM

Very true, but what I know of 7 year olds they are going to want him in their room.  Maybe boys are different though.

Quoting Anonymous:

I might talk to my boys to see if they want to share with him (it's not all about him remember). I am thinking though, that this might be a lot of them, at least at first

Quoting MysticalKnight:

I would get a roll away bed. Than if he does want to put it in with his new brothers he could it would only be out at night time.  Or he could stay in the computer room.

Quoting Anonymous:

Dh agrees with me and that's what I was thinking. If it were me, I would want a place I could go to be by myself if I needed

Quoting la-cosa-nostra:

Talk to DH and see where he thinks his son should sleep. I don't think he should share with the twins, but I don't know the layout of your house to think if any other options. I'm sure a pull out couch would be fine. It's not like he will be isolated when awake, so I don't think matters if he sleeps away from everyone. He'd probably prefer a space away to get alone time, that's a lot of people who he barely knows. I would think he'd want to be alone at night to get a chance to adjust.

 

 

 


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:04 PM

They all (well except for the little one who doesn't understand) who he is. With the girls we went into more detail, with the boys, we told them that he is their half brother, dad's son that their dad just found out about

Quoting Anonymous:

I would clean up the room for him to stay him. It may take time for him to build a relationship with his dad and you should just support that. 12 is a tough age- pre teen!
You should tell the older kids the complete truth and let your younger kids know you will be having a very special guest.


Love060708kids
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:04 PM

I think having him pick out his bedding and having stuff just for him is a great idea.  I'm sure the kids will have lots of questions for him, maybe get them better acquainted over the phone?  You could also write him letters to update him on what you guys are doing so that he isn't jumping into an unknown situation, (new house, new family).  

Best of luck.  I think you'll make an awesome step-mom :)

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:05 PM

If he ever decided he wanted to live with us, we would just make that his room. We would buy bedroom furniture for the room

Quoting momofmany86:

That's a crummy situation.

I think him sleeping in the office on the pull out couch is fine. Maybe he will want more time there after a few visits, and if that ever happens, then you will have to consider different sleeping arrangements. (What I mean by that, is that he could end up deciding at some point that he wants to try living with his dad.)


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)