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Dh recently found out he has another son

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

We have been together for 10 years, married for almost 8 and have 5 children together. A year ago, he found out he has a 12 (now 13) year old son. She wrote him a letter telling him about his son and in the letter, it clearly states that she didn't tell him when she got pregnant. She ended up moving with her family (they were both 18 at the time) out of state and found out she was pregnant and chose to not contact him.

It included her number so after we talked about it, we called her. He told her he would like to have a relationship with him. She said "oh no, that's not why I contacted you, I want my money, you have been a dead beat father for 12 years and I want what you owe, you can see him when you pay ever dime you owe". My brother is an attorney who specializes in family law. He said that because we can prove that DH had no knowledge of the child, he does not owe child support for the past. We also decided to fight paying current child support since, while this is my DH's bio child, he was robbed of the chance to be a father to him, he didn't get to know him as a baby (during the time most of the bonding takes place), he missed most of his growing up and has had no say in how he was raised.

We went to court last month and the judge ordered that DH get the whole summer every year and all of the breaks. He practically laughed at DH's ex when she said she wanted back child support since he was born after we showed him the letter and ordered DH to pay child support based on having 5 other children. Usually, they don't do that when the child the support is ordered for is the first child but since DH didn't know about him and therefore had no reason to have to plan to pay child support, the judge did it. Since the judge also ordered that DH's ex has to pay all transportation costs, the amount of CS will pretty much just cover that.

After talking to his son and understanding that his son does have a life and wants to spend time with his friends and family, DH said that his son could visit as long as he wants, which they agreed would be 2 weeks each summer and a week during spring break.

The sad thing is, I don't think she would have ever contacted him had she not found out that he has a good job and makes a nice income. I am glad that it all worked out in court for us but I do feel bad for my DH. At the same time, and I have a hard time admitting this, I am glad he didn't know. There is no way we would have had all 5 of our kids knowing he has another, especially if he would have been paying the full amount of CS.

He will be coming this spring break for about a week, that's in just a few months. I want to make him feel welcome but at the same time, I don't want my kids to feel unimportant. We have a 5 bedroom home (the twins share a room) but downstairs, we have a computer room that is closed in and it has a fold out couch in it, I was thinking about putting him in there, what do you think? Any other advice?

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:16 AM
Replies (41-50):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:06 PM

Move the toy boxs and dresser to the office and put a bed in if that is what he wants. 

Quoting Anonymous:

There is really no place to put another bed in it without buying all new furniture. The twins have 2 twin beds that can not be turned into bunk beds. With their dressers and a toy box each, there is no way to put another bed in there. To make it work, we would have to go buy a set of bunk beds and get rid of one of the twin beds. I am not going to do that for someone who will be here 3 weeks a year at most. Plus, a 13 year old boy probably wouldn't want to share a room with 2 6 year olds.

Quoting lucky2Beeme:


Quoting Anonymous:

No, he is 13, we have a 9 and almost 7 year old DDs, twin boys (who already share a room) who are 6 and a 2 year old DD.

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

Do you have a child near his age of same sex that could share a room with him. I think making him sleep in office away from everyone might make him feel left out.


  I would make up that office bed but also offer himn to camp with the twins.



Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:06 PM

To be honest, I doubt they will. Maybe eventually they might

Quoting MysticalKnight:

Very true, but what I know of 7 year olds they are going to want him in their room.  Maybe boys are different though.

Quoting Anonymous:

I might talk to my boys to see if they want to share with him (it's not all about him remember). I am thinking though, that this might be a lot of them, at least at first

Quoting MysticalKnight:

I would get a roll away bed. Than if he does want to put it in with his new brothers he could it would only be out at night time.  Or he could stay in the computer room.

Quoting Anonymous:

Dh agrees with me and that's what I was thinking. If it were me, I would want a place I could go to be by myself if I needed

Quoting la-cosa-nostra:

Talk to DH and see where he thinks his son should sleep. I don't think he should share with the twins, but I don't know the layout of your house to think if any other options. I'm sure a pull out couch would be fine. It's not like he will be isolated when awake, so I don't think matters if he sleeps away from everyone. He'd probably prefer a space away to get alone time, that's a lot of people who he barely knows. I would think he'd want to be alone at night to get a chance to adjust.






MysticalKnight
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:07 PM

My DDs would all see it like a brand new friend having a huge slumber party. They would annoy a teenager fast.

Quoting Anonymous:

To be honest, I doubt they will. Maybe eventually they might

Quoting MysticalKnight:

Very true, but what I know of 7 year olds they are going to want him in their room.  Maybe boys are different though.

Quoting Anonymous:

I might talk to my boys to see if they want to share with him (it's not all about him remember). I am thinking though, that this might be a lot of them, at least at first

Quoting MysticalKnight:

I would get a roll away bed. Than if he does want to put it in with his new brothers he could it would only be out at night time.  Or he could stay in the computer room.

Quoting Anonymous:

Dh agrees with me and that's what I was thinking. If it were me, I would want a place I could go to be by myself if I needed

Quoting la-cosa-nostra:

Talk to DH and see where he thinks his son should sleep. I don't think he should share with the twins, but I don't know the layout of your house to think if any other options. I'm sure a pull out couch would be fine. It's not like he will be isolated when awake, so I don't think matters if he sleeps away from everyone. He'd probably prefer a space away to get alone time, that's a lot of people who he barely knows. I would think he'd want to be alone at night to get a chance to adjust.

 

 

 

 

 


TAG_ur_it
by Platinum Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:08 PM

get a murphy bed.  that way you only have to move a few things when it's time for him to come.  there is no excuse for him not having a bed.  SD isn't here most of the time and she always has a bed and we most certainly don't have room for it. 

Quoting Anonymous:

If he lived in the state where he would be here every other weekend and half of the breaks, I would be 100% with you on that. In fact, the computer would be out of there and it would be his room. But it is a room we use quite a bit and since he will only be here 3 weeks a year, I think making it his room is a bit excessive. She can't get pissy about it either, all we have to do is provide him a place to sleep that is not the floor (we contacted CPS to ask what we are expected to have) in a room that does not have people of the opposite sex sleeping in it.

Quoting JMmomof2:

Move the couch and put a bed in there. Make it his room. Decorate it like you would for a teenage boy. Leave the computer in there. But this kid is part of your family's now, make him feel it. No pull out sofas not blow up mattress etc he needs a room or bm can get pissy about that too.



momofmany86
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:08 PM

I hope everything goes well with your first real visit. My SS is almost 13, so I know how moody they can be, but hopefully he doesn't have any of that being at your house for the first time. Good luck, mama!

Quoting Anonymous:

If he ever decided he wanted to live with us, we would just make that his room. We would buy bedroom furniture for the room

Quoting momofmany86:

That's a crummy situation.

I think him sleeping in the office on the pull out couch is fine. Maybe he will want more time there after a few visits, and if that ever happens, then you will have to consider different sleeping arrangements. (What I mean by that, is that he could end up deciding at some point that he wants to try living with his dad.)



My actions do not just affect my life, but also the lives of those that depend on me. Therefore, I choose to make good decisions, ones that will have a positive impact on the lives I've been given to raise up.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:08 PM

Thanks, I hope so. We have sent him pictures of the house, all of us, the pets, just to give him an idea of what he will be coming into. He is friends with me and DH on facebook too

Quoting Love060708kids:

I think having him pick out his bedding and having stuff just for him is a great idea.  I'm sure the kids will have lots of questions for him, maybe get them better acquainted over the phone?  You could also write him letters to update him on what you guys are doing so that he isn't jumping into an unknown situation, (new house, new family).  

Best of luck.  I think you'll make an awesome step-mom :)


Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:09 PM
2 moms liked this
Treat him like you would want someone to treat your children. He isn't going to be around for just 3 Weeks hopefully he will be part of your family. Don't treat him like an annoyance who is messing up your childrens lives and treat him like the brother he is. He didn't ask for this anymore then you did.


Quoting Anonymous:

Yes, I asked for suggestions but some of the suggestions just don't fit my situation. He is not the only child involved, there are 5 more children that I am considering. I want to be welcoming  but I am not going to do anything at the expense of my own children. And yes, I admit I resent the situation, not DH, not the child but the situation. I didn't sign up to be a step mom but that's what is happening. I am dealing with it the best I can


Quoting Anonymous:

It sounds like you want to be welcoming but are also hellbent on not giving him what he needs. Everyone gives suggestions and nothing works so why ask. You do resent the situation but you won't admit it. In the end your dh son is gonna be the one who suffers :-(



Love060708kids
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:09 PM

That's wonderful :)

I hope all goes well and that it's a smooth transition for him.  Do you know of anyone who has teenagers around where you live?  Maybe that would help get him some friends when he comes to visit :)

Quoting Anonymous:

Thanks, I hope so. We have sent him pictures of the house, all of us, the pets, just to give him an idea of what he will be coming into. He is friends with me and DH on facebook too

Quoting Love060708kids:

I think having him pick out his bedding and having stuff just for him is a great idea.  I'm sure the kids will have lots of questions for him, maybe get them better acquainted over the phone?  You could also write him letters to update him on what you guys are doing so that he isn't jumping into an unknown situation, (new house, new family).  

Best of luck.  I think you'll make an awesome step-mom :)



msjaxon
by Platinum Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:10 PM
Let him decide when he gets there. I've never heard of a case of back cs ordered when the father never knew. I'm sure it has happened once. What an idiot that woman is, but now your have an added joy to your family.
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Jessy613
by Diamond Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 12:10 PM

That's insane.

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