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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

How to help an alcoholic? (small update)

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 29 Replies

 My mother is spiraling out of control. She drinks, daily, and has recently started taking Xanax WHILE drinking (bought from a "friend"). She gets offensive and nasty if you try to confront her about it, saying it's only one drink, or yadda yadda, you know the deal. Anyway, last night she was messed up and got into an accident, damaging town property (hit a median and a pole). In bond court, the judge said "Felony DUI", but when we got her paperwork it said "Major: Possession of a Controlled Substance - 7 counts". Could she have had the pills? I haven't talked to her. I don't know HOW to talk to her. I don't know what to say.

I have 3 kids and I don't know if I should give her tough love and take them away from her completely, or tell her IF she drinks again, she won't see them again? But how will I KNOW she hasn't drank? She's never been in "trouble" for this up until now, and I feel completely powerless.

Has anyone dealt with an alcoholic or drug addict? How did you handle it? I need help, advice, support, something, I don't know...

Well I talked to her, VERY briefly. She apologized. I told her I didn't want to hear apologies, I wanted to see her prove herself. I said that she was a drunk and an alcoholic and needs help because she's sick. She was very responsive. I guess my grandmother warned her ahead of time that I was "thinking" about what I wanted to do as far as the kids are concerned. She spent all day yesterday looking into AA classes (of her own decision) and asked me if I would go with her. Of course I will.

I haven't said anything quite yet about the kids. I don't want to do that on a brief phone call or text, I want to wait until we have time to really sit down and talk. At that point I have decided that I will give her a chance. If I see/hear/find out that she has been drinking, even once, I'm done. Myself, and the kids. And I know many of her bar-addicted friends on FB etc that will (maybe) let me know if they see her.

I will update after I finally have "the talk" with her. But I'm optimistic...

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
..MoonShine..
by Gold Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:33 PM
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You can't help the unless they want it, and first they have to recognize that they have a problem. I don't see an issue with you telling your mom that she cannot see the kids if she's drinking. I've had to do the same with mine in the past (we no longer speak, so it's no longer a problem). Especially now that you know she'll get in the car and drive when she's intoxicated. It's a safety issue for your children. 

..MoonShine..
by Gold Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:34 PM
2 moms liked this

My mom was/is an alcoholic. 

I would also suggest you consider findng an Alanon meeting for yourself. You'll find support and others in a similar situation. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:39 PM

 What I meant by not seeing the kids wasn't "when she was drunk", but AT ALL until she stops drinking completely... Is that too harsh? I grew up with her being drunk all the time. Single mom, so she was all I had, and I had to see her like that. *I* do not behave that way in front of my own children, I will not allow someone else to...

She just makes me sooo mad. How do I push the ANGER emotions out of the way before I talk to her?? I love her to death, but she could have killed herself or someone else. I don't know how to handle it. I went and got her out of jail, but haven't said 2 words to her since. It's killing me.

Quoting ..MoonShine..:

You can't help the unless they want it, and first they have to recognize that they have a problem. I don't see an issue with you telling your mom that she cannot see the kids if she's drinking. I've had to do the same with mine in the past (we no longer speak, so it's no longer a problem). Especially now that you know she'll get in the car and drive when she's intoxicated. It's a safety issue for your children. 

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:40 PM

there is nothing you can do. You can try an intervention, or threatening to stay away from her until she gets help... other than that, you can only sit back and watch her waste her life away. 


I always told FIL that he isn't allowed around my kids while he's intoxicated, and if he really wanted to see them, then he better sober up. It worked sometimes.. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:41 PM

 Is there really anything there to learn? We went when I was like 12 and she was in AA. But she doesn't believe in God and couldn't stand the religious aspect of it (or so she says) and we stopped going after a few weeks. I feel like, since I've been dealing with this my whole life, and I'm an adult now, that I should know everything already. Isn't Alanon for kids?

Quoting ..MoonShine..:

My mom was/is an alcoholic. 

I would also suggest you consider findng an Alanon meeting for yourself. You'll find support and others in a similar situation. 

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:42 PM


Quoting Anonymous:

 Is there really anything there to learn? We went when I was like 12 and she was in AA. But she doesn't believe in God and couldn't stand the religious aspect of it (or so she says) and we stopped going after a few weeks. I feel like, since I've been dealing with this my whole life, and I'm an adult now, that I should know everything already. Isn't Alanon for kids?

Quoting ..MoonShine..:

My mom was/is an alcoholic. 

I would also suggest you consider findng an Alanon meeting for yourself. You'll find support and others in a similar situation. 

 

YOU go.  WITHOUT her.  She goes to AA, if she wants.  I'm not aware of a religious aspect.

Kaya529
by Platinum Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:43 PM
You wait till she is ready. It sucks but you can't force someone. Things will probably get a lot worse before she will be ready. She may never want help and you may have to learn to either deal with it or cut her out of your life.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:43 PM

 She is wasting away, already. She will tell the same stories over and over - within minutes of each other. She will forget things. And up until now, I had NO idea she was dumb enough to DRIVE while she was that bad off (it was only 8pm when she passed out and got in the accident). She rarely takes my kids in the car, if I had known... ohhh... if anything were to have happened... omg. This didn't even cross my mind until now................ omg.

Quoting Anonymous:

there is nothing you can do. You can try an intervention, or threatening to stay away from her until she gets help... other than that, you can only sit back and watch her waste her life away. 

 

I always told FIL that he isn't allowed around my kids while he's intoxicated, and if he really wanted to see them, then he better sober up. It worked sometimes.. 

 

..MoonShine..
by Gold Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:44 PM

*I* don't think it's too harsh. I grew up with the same kind of mom. She's drive drunk with my brother and I in the car and be totally ok with it. Your kids deserve a grandmother who is present and clear, not one willing to risk their safety. 

As for the anger, find an Alanon meeting. It helps to talk to others. I find (for me) it helped to meditate/pray before talking to my mom, so maybe try finding a method for getting calm that works for you. 

Quoting Anonymous:

 What I meant by not seeing the kids wasn't "when she was drunk", but AT ALL until she stops drinking completely... Is that too harsh? I grew up with her being drunk all the time. Single mom, so she was all I had, and I had to see her like that. *I* do not behave that way in front of my own children, I will not allow someone else to...

She just makes me sooo mad. How do I push the ANGER emotions out of the way before I talk to her?? I love her to death, but she could have killed herself or someone else. I don't know how to handle it. I went and got her out of jail, but haven't said 2 words to her since. It's killing me.

Quoting ..MoonShine..:

You can't help the unless they want it, and first they have to recognize that they have a problem. I don't see an issue with you telling your mom that she cannot see the kids if she's drinking. I've had to do the same with mine in the past (we no longer speak, so it's no longer a problem). Especially now that you know she'll get in the car and drive when she's intoxicated. It's a safety issue for your children. 

 


Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:45 PM
She has to want to help herself. If she can't see the problem then she wont want to fix it. You can try an intervention but sometimes those only create walls.
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