1/17Day 9 update. I know I have to walk this long dark road alone, but support through my battle would be awesome!!
4 years ago I started taking pain medicine for medical problems. I started and vicodin moved on to percocet with tylenol, and just lately was put on oxycodone that is pretty much percocet but with out tylenol.
It has gotten to the point my life revolves around that tiny little pill! I need them just to feel normal! Oh I stubbed my toe? Give me a pain killer! I can't live like this anymore. My doctor said we can do suboxone which will become addictive or go cold turkey and be done, he also said I could wean I told him no, my will power sucks obviously!
I chose cold turkey. I am on day 2 and am scared of relapse. I feel like death!!!! I have zero support. I am really feeling low today. I keep telling my self keep walking that road. I have been listening to music to help time pass and also to keep my mind busy because right now that asshole is yelling take one you will feel better :(
I wish time would hurry and pass, I want to feel the real me again!!
If you read this, I thank you!!
Please don't bash me, I'm trying so hard to fight for my life!
I'm going to try to take a nap since sleep is almost impossible now. Thank you for the support! I will updated this like a diary!
Well its just a little after 3 and I feel like this day is never going to end. I still feel beyond horrible. I wish I could crawl in my bed and sleep for days, but that will never happen. I wish I had someone to come sit with me to just talk and let me cry to them.
I looked in the mirror today, which I usually avoid, because I hate who I've become. My pupils are covering the brown of my eyes. I have no energy whatsoever. Sorry if I'm complaining, just need to vent some where. Thanks for the support <3 I read every message, it means so much to me, you will never believe how much!
Today is my 3rd day and I still don't feel better. My anxiety is at a all time high, depression is right there with it. I feel like hiding under a rock. Oh gosh I pray tomorrow is better!! I know its not much of a update but that's just how low I am today it sucks. Thanks for the support!!!
I had a small burst of energy so I washed myself, finally ewww I know! I have a cousin who is also addicted to pills. She called me crying saying she is in withdrawal and wanted to know if I had anything to help her out. I of course told her no way! Welcome to my world I am in day 3 and will never be picking another pill up!!!
I couldn't help but wonder, have I ever sounded that pathetic? Probably, but never ever again. I wrote my life mission statement. This may be hard to believe but I work in the medical field. You won't believe how many health professionals take them. I know a man doctor who got caught acting like he was giving er patients pain meds, but he was taking them. Ever been to a er where they think you are drug seeking? Yeah, they are probably taking the drugs you need, at least that's what that doctor did. Our hospital kept it so hush hush, they didn't want to ruin us.
I have decided to start looking for a job in a rehab. I think that will do me a lot of good, I know what I needed through this was support not judgement and that's what I want to give to those fighting this battle.
Sorry for rambling you gals are all I got. <3
Good night 1/11
I finally felt hunger for the first time tonight since I started this! I ate so much and now I regret it. My stomach is yelling, my son heard it and said geez mom that things going to explode lol.
Well now I'm laying down and for the first night I feel like I may get a tad of sleep *fingers crossed*
Although I don't feel 100% better, I can see a dim light at the end of the tunnel.
To the mama who wanted to fight her addiction with me, you're in my prayers tonight! I am pulling for you don't give in!!!
Well I didn't get much sleep last night, the pain in my legs was horrible :( this battle is such a up and down battle. One minute I feel okay and the next I feel horrible.
I wish it would get easier! I am hating life today!
So I was laying on my couch this morning listening to music, while listening to it I got a feeling I can't explain (it was a good one) something told me, go get a nice bath, do your hair and make up! So that's what I did! I am feeling so much better! I feel a small sense of accomplishment!
I'm going to make myself get out of the house by treating my boys to a dinner of their choice.
I really have to thank you ladies, some mornings I would wake up and think I can't do this, there is no way. But I would come here and get such great support! This group is seriously awesome!!
Day 9 1/17
My body feels so much better, but depression is now going to be my next battle. But hey I'm ready for it!
Last night I got called into work, I found myself thinking dang this is stressful! But I know I just need to find a way of now dealing with stress, rather than taking a pill to deal with it.
The other day I laughed so hard, that I cried because of something my son said. I hadn't laughed like that in so long, it was great!
My feelings and emotions are no longer numb, the guilt of the last 4 wasted years is really getting to me. I plan to seek therapy to have someone to talk to about it because I know deep down I need to let it go and enjoy this beautiful life I have.
Well ladies I better get off, its time to get my kids up and ready for school. I will say it again THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR PUSHING ME WHEN I WAS WEAK! You ladies are such blessings!!
To the ladies who are still in the place I just left, my thoughts and prayers are with you! The battle with addiction is HARD, but we are women and can conquer anything we put our mind to! Remember that :-D
Love to you all!!!