As an infant my dad started molesting me. I don't know any details. I don't remember. I remember The details as I get older. I remember he would take me to bed to put me to sleep but instead of putting me to sleep he would rub his fingers over my underwear. I wasn't allowed to make any noise and I tried to not even breathe and I had to lay really still.
He was really abusive to my mom. Eventually my mom left him. I was really young. Like ... 3? She fled from him without saying she was leaving. I know these details because she told me how she left and how he was a drug addict and raging alcoholic.
My mom was having such a hard time making ends meet as was in school and at the time she was barely 21... That she sent me back to live with my dad. It probably was around 2 years later but I don't remember exactly. So I was sent across the country to live with him.
By now he already has a wife and a daughter who is around 1. Well he abuse started again. He would do the same thing. He tucked me into bed by rubbing on my underwear until I fell asleep. He would make me lay still and I had to be really quiet. He would ask if it felt good. I knew it was ticklish but I didn't know what else.
I trusted him so much and longed for his acceptance. Eventually his daughter became involved. I remember his wife worked long hours and over night at the local hospital. So she was not home. He would bring his daughter into my bed and lay there. He told me to touch her and I did. He would have me lick her. And rubbed me on my vagina too. He eventually began putting his mouth on my vagina but I had to lay really still and not move.
This continued until I was 13. I didn't see my mom at all and I didn't tell anyone. I worshipped my dad because that's all I had. I thought my mom sent me away and he would probably send me away too.
My mom got into contact with us and I was sent to her for the summer and she never sent me back. She was remarried. She decided she wanted to keep me with her so she never sent me back. My dad never tried getting me. I have never talked to him since. I don't even know anything about him or his daughter at all. We had no co tact whatsoever.
Well I feel like this effects me in my sex life with Dh. I'm still really quiet during any sex act. I had to have him coax me into being able to feel pleasure from sex acts. And sometimes I feel comforted by rubbing myself just like my dad did on my underwear.
I feel like a freak. :( I feel so confused by it. Lately I keep having more memories of these times pouring into my mind and I don't know why. It is upsetting. I have never told anyone. Dh does not even know.