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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Confesion: i was Sexually abused

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
I want to get this off of my chest. It is bothering me so much lately and I have never ever told anyone.



As an infant my dad started molesting me. I don't know any details. I don't remember. I remember The details as I get older. I remember he would take me to bed to put me to sleep but instead of putting me to sleep he would rub his fingers over my underwear. I wasn't allowed to make any noise and I tried to not even breathe and I had to lay really still.



He was really abusive to my mom. Eventually my mom left him. I was really young. Like ... 3? She fled from him without saying she was leaving. I know these details because she told me how she left and how he was a drug addict and raging alcoholic.



My mom was having such a hard time making ends meet as was in school and at the time she was barely 21... That she sent me back to live with my dad. It probably was around 2 years later but I don't remember exactly. So I was sent across the country to live with him.



By now he already has a wife and a daughter who is around 1. Well he abuse started again. He would do the same thing. He tucked me into bed by rubbing on my underwear until I fell asleep. He would make me lay still and I had to be really quiet. He would ask if it felt good. I knew it was ticklish but I didn't know what else.



I trusted him so much and longed for his acceptance. Eventually his daughter became involved. I remember his wife worked long hours and over night at the local hospital. So she was not home. He would bring his daughter into my bed and lay there. He told me to touch her and I did. He would have me lick her. And rubbed me on my vagina too. He eventually began putting his mouth on my vagina but I had to lay really still and not move.



This continued until I was 13. I didn't see my mom at all and I didn't tell anyone. I worshipped my dad because that's all I had. I thought my mom sent me away and he would probably send me away too.



My mom got into contact with us and I was sent to her for the summer and she never sent me back. She was remarried. She decided she wanted to keep me with her so she never sent me back. My dad never tried getting me. I have never talked to him since. I don't even know anything about him or his daughter at all. We had no co tact whatsoever.



Well I feel like this effects me in my sex life with Dh. I'm still really quiet during any sex act. I had to have him coax me into being able to feel pleasure from sex acts. And sometimes I feel comforted by rubbing myself just like my dad did on my underwear.





I feel like a freak. :( I feel so confused by it. Lately I keep having more memories of these times pouring into my mind and I don't know why. It is upsetting. I have never told anyone. Dh does not even know.
Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 11, 2013 at 1:11 AM
Replies (31-37):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 11, 2013 at 2:38 AM
1 mom liked this
I always wished for that. I never have actually said the word dad. I avoided even saying it in regards to anyone my whole life pretty much. I almost freaked when I realized my son would say dad because it hurt to hear it. That I almost had him say papa lol. Now I'm over that.

Once my stepdad, who took the place of a father when my dad sent me to my mothers at 13, told me I am not his princess or anyone else's. I won't forget that and it pretty much shattered any idea of a father in my head


Quoting Nannosmommy:

Smh! This is soooo sad to me ;( my daddy is my hero!!!! Your dad deserves to rot on a jail cell. ... I know that it must be hard but maybe you need to talk to your dh and open up to him. Maybe then he will see the urgency required for this matter

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 11, 2013 at 2:43 AM
I hope I feel better by taking about it now. I don't have anyone besides my Dh in my life. I never kept in touch with any friends. So I just have Dh and I have cafemom. Lol.

You're very sweet to say that


Quoting toybar02:

if you feel you need therapy i think you should get some help, i cant tell you how to feel but please dont blame yourself,because it wasnt your fault, you were an innocent and defenseless child and if your husband isnt willing to listen to you or support you through this trying time then i would go without telling him, they have therapy for free you just gotta research and theres also family therapy so if you cant get a babysitter they have somewhere for your child to go, i wish you all the best and remember you have your cafemom family if you need someone to talk to

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 11, 2013 at 2:43 AM
It happened similarly to me. When I was a teenager I was with someone that reminded me (now) of my biological father, and when he was trying to get intimate with me I had panic attacks. I would have memories flooding in my head, ones I had forgotten or repressed. And it didn't help that he wasn't supportive in any way - he still wanted sex when he wanted it and even would initiate when I was asleep and wouldn't let me go until he was done.

Now that I'm with DH, I see why that's all wrong. He's good to me. He loves me. He's never done anything to make me afraid of him. He's never hurt me. And he never will. Now that I'm in a better relationship I was able to see the problems I had and was able to get help. Getting help has improved many facets of my life. I'm not weighed down by my past anymore. It's very liberating.

Quoting Anonymous:

Is it normal that so many memories surrounding it are suddenly coming back to me?



I can even remember there were two other times involving my dad and a neighbor and once the same neighbors son who was 16 or 17 and I was like 10 ...



It's crazy. Is it nornal?




Quoting Anonymous:

I have experience in this type of situation, though my situation was different than yours, as is every situation. I had to get help. My past was completely jeopardizing my relationship with DH. Had I not looked for help my relationship would be in a bad place right now. Believe me, whatever reservations you may have - professional help can really be a blessing. It helps you see what you can't see by yourself.





Good luck.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 11, 2013 at 2:47 AM
It was so hard to be sexual at first. Dh was my first sexual experience. I would cry when he would go down on me and he would just tell me to breathe and that I am a woman and I can feel good he had to like talk me through it. It took a long time. I never knew what was wrong with me because I barried being molested. Now it makes sense to me.




Quoting Anonymous:

 I thought sexual abuse was just a part of growing up. My mother was abused by her grandfather. I was abused by my brother. My DH was abused by his sister and cousin. In the begining of our relationship, my husband couldn't 'finish'. I guess it effected me the opposite way (which at times makes me feel like a monster), someone rubbing my arm excites me. Because of this, I limit contact with everyone.


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 11, 2013 at 2:50 AM
Maybe this is why I keep having memories flood back. My husband has been making me have sex with him for a few nights in a row than he stops for a night than he does it again. He just has to have it no matter what.

I've been ignoring him sexually though because I'm pregnant and not interested at all. Lol. Oops.


Quoting Anonymous:

It happened similarly to me. When I was a teenager I was with someone that reminded me (now) of my biological father, and when he was trying to get intimate with me I had panic attacks. I would have memories flooding in my head, ones I had forgotten or repressed. And it didn't help that he wasn't supportive in any way - he still wanted sex when he wanted it and even would initiate when I was asleep and wouldn't let me go until he was done.



Now that I'm with DH, I see why that's all wrong. He's good to me. He loves me. He's never done anything to make me afraid of him. He's never hurt me. And he never will. Now that I'm in a better relationship I was able to see the problems I had and was able to get help. Getting help has improved many facets of my life. I'm not weighed down by my past anymore. It's very liberating.



Quoting Anonymous:

Is it normal that so many memories surrounding it are suddenly coming back to me?





I can even remember there were two other times involving my dad and a neighbor and once the same neighbors son who was 16 or 17 and I was like 10 ...





It's crazy. Is it nornal?






Quoting Anonymous:

I have experience in this type of situation, though my situation was different than yours, as is every situation. I had to get help. My past was completely jeopardizing my relationship with DH. Had I not looked for help my relationship would be in a bad place right now. Believe me, whatever reservations you may have - professional help can really be a blessing. It helps you see what you can't see by yourself.







Good luck.


Ashgambit
by Gold Member on Jan. 11, 2013 at 2:56 AM
I wouldn't doubt that is the reason it's happening. I think you need to make your husband understand what's going on with you. If he keeps this up you could withdraw from everyone and everything. Not to mention, him forcing you into sex is wrong. That has to change and so does his attitude about it.

Good luck mama. Please get help - it'll make things so much better. PM me if you need to talk. I'm going off anon so you can do that.


Quoting Anonymous:

Maybe this is why I keep having memories flood back. My husband has been making me have sex with him for a few nights in a row than he stops for a night than he does it again. He just has to have it no matter what.



I've been ignoring him sexually though because I'm pregnant and not interested at all. Lol. Oops.




Quoting Anonymous:

It happened similarly to me. When I was a teenager I was with someone that reminded me (now) of my biological father, and when he was trying to get intimate with me I had panic attacks. I would have memories flooding in my head, ones I had forgotten or repressed. And it didn't help that he wasn't supportive in any way - he still wanted sex when he wanted it and even would initiate when I was asleep and wouldn't let me go until he was done.





Now that I'm with DH, I see why that's all wrong. He's good to me. He loves me. He's never done anything to make me afraid of him. He's never hurt me. And he never will. Now that I'm in a better relationship I was able to see the problems I had and was able to get help. Getting help has improved many facets of my life. I'm not weighed down by my past anymore. It's very liberating.





Quoting Anonymous:

Is it normal that so many memories surrounding it are suddenly coming back to me?







I can even remember there were two other times involving my dad and a neighbor and once the same neighbors son who was 16 or 17 and I was like 10 ...







It's crazy. Is it nornal?








Quoting Anonymous:

I have experience in this type of situation, though my situation was different than yours, as is every situation. I had to get help. My past was completely jeopardizing my relationship with DH. Had I not looked for help my relationship would be in a bad place right now. Believe me, whatever reservations you may have - professional help can really be a blessing. It helps you see what you can't see by yourself.









Good luck.


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sheymann
by Gold Member on Jan. 11, 2013 at 2:13 PM

If he treats you badly because you were sexually abused and suppressed the memories, you need to get away from him. 

He shouldn't "punish" you for being scared and hurt. That is abusive. He should support and love you and try and help you heal.

Quoting Anonymous:

I cannot imagine how awful he will react and he will be so disgusted in me. Not to mention he will think I've lied to him since I didn't tell him.

When we were daring and getting serious, he wanted me to tell him everything about myself. I promised and swore I did. if he found out about something I didn't tell him he would say he couldn't forgive me until he punished me. And I loved him so much and loved how he cared and loves me that it made sense.

Now it seems messed up. Now I'm more mature. I was so young and dumb. I was 20 which isn't a baby but still young. I believed everything he said.

I haven't even had to think about anything having to do with a punishment in a long time. Last time was when I was pregnant almost 2 years ago. Now it's different since we have a baby. He would never do anything in front of him and I warn him how it will damage him when he starts getting mean taking to me.


Quoting sheymann:

If you say you don't want it, he needs to respect that. Period. It may not really be "abusive" to some, but it technically qualifies as rape. That's the thing I had the most trouble with accepting with my ex.

I strongly encourage you to tell DH and see a therapist. If DH leaves you because of your past, he obviously doesn't truely love you. :( I really hope he helps you deal with this. 


Quoting Anonymous:

Ugh I cannot go to sleep! I have the worst headache and I think I'm so nervous at the thought of telling Dh.



When were laying in bed Dh will say he wants a blowjob and if I say I don't want to than he says he needs sex. I don't feel like that so he makes me by going on top and getting it in and I just lay there quiet until he is done or talk dirty like he wants but I didn't think it is abusive because he didnt hurt me.





Quoting sheymann:

You should go talk to someone. 

My ex was emotionally and physically abusive. I never realized how bad it was until I left him and started talking to a therapist. Even now I have a hard time accepting that him having sex with me even after I told him I didn't want it was not me being a "good wife", but him abusing me.



Quoting Anonymous:

No. I honestly didnt realize it bothered me. I kept it bottled inside until recently when it has started bothering me a memories flood back.








Quoting sheymann:

You shouldn't be ashamed that you were abused. This is NOT your fault at all! ((hugs))

Are you going to therapy?










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