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Hurt - maybe I shouldn't be, but I am. Can't stop crying - Update

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

My son is 5 years old. From the time he was born until the time he was 3, my sister in law and brother were extremely involved in his life. To the point that I asked them to take him if something was to ever happen to me.

Weekends, evening, holiday's - he was the favorite. It was obvious to everyone. They don't have any children, she can't. She was in the delivery room with me when he was born, holding my hand and coaching me through it.

Shortly before the age of 3, I started seeing some problems in my son. Hyper all the time, behavior problems, extreme temper tantrums, meltdowns etc.

Slowly, people started to pull out of our lives, because of his behavior. My mom told me that she wouldn't babysit him anymore, and that I had to enroll him in daycare.

My mother in law would ask for my step daughter and completely ignore the fact that my son was standing right there asking if he could go too

My sister would offer to keep him, to give me a break and after she canceled on me of the 11th or 12th time, I just stopped responding when she would ask. She hasn't babysat him in well over 18 months now. Not even for an hour or two between shift changes for me and my husband.

My husbands family talked shit all over facebook about what a horrible mother I must be

But what hurt the most was my sister in law - one day she just didn't call, then she didn't return my call - then she stopped asking about him

Then came the diagnosis. ADHD-C, ODD, Emotional Dysregulation, Mood Disorder - NOS and Social Delays.

I told my sister in law - she said she didn't even know what to say.

Then tonight, she sent me an email and told me that she was sorry for pulling away, but that she didn't think she could handle my son's meltdowns, so she couldn't be with him alone

We have been doing medication, therapy, and extreme parenting changes and his behavior has done a complete 180.

It really hurts to have people tell you that they don't want to spend time with your child because he has disorders/delays - when for most of his life, those people were extremely involved.

It really hurts to be told that your sons delays are harder to handle than THREE kids together

I can't stop crying. He's such an amazing child - and no one wants to get to know him.


Thank you all for all of the support last night. I was an emotional wreck. I'm at work now, and I'm focusing on other things - so I am better. I just needed to get it all out last night.

My son is absolutely amazing. He really is. He wants to be in the Navy when he grows up. He is extremely into the Titanic. He can tell you how many people died when the Titanic sank, that the carpathia was the ship that came to help the people in the life boats, where exactly the titanic broke in half, when it departed, where it departed from etc.

He is also completely memorized by the solar system - he can and will tell anyone who will listen about why Pluto is not a planet, and the moons of Jupiter, all about the space ship that recently went to Mars

During Hurricane sandy, he was more informed than I was about the storm - it was amazing.

He gives these silly kisses, and the best hugs, he's so sensitive to the needs of others

He just struggles with typical social behaviors, hyperactivity and indirect commands

I emailed his psychologist about a play group or other social group for children with psychological/emotional problems

So we shall see what happens from there.

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:12 PM
Replies (21-30):
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:28 PM

Thank you. I have tried to discuss his delays/disorders with family - this is what we're doing. This works, this doesn't etc. It just doesn't seem to work.No one seems interested in talking about it.

My family has a private group on facebook - If I post in there that he is making real progress no one even comments. If I post in there that my stepdaughter ( same exact age ) is doing well learning to read - I got 16 comments about how amazing she is.

I love my stepdaughter - but all I can think is, - She's not even "ours". He is "ours" and you con't even try to like him - what is wrong with you. ( and when I say ours, I mean as in my families. When my son was born, his father was not involved and on Christmas eve, my dad introduced my son to the whole family. When my Uncle asked where his father was, my dad said "He's ours. All of ours. He has enough family here" )

THey used to love him.

Quoting slvr115:

It's sad that they don't feel equipped to spend time with him anymore. But think of all the changes you had to go through just to get his behavior regulated. How would they know what to do. They're not choosing not to spend time with him 'because he has disorders/delays". They're afraid of his behavior and they don't feel equipped to handle it.

Instead, you could try to get together with them and your son. Maybe if you all spend some time together, they'll see how he has changed. But I, personally, would not want someone taking care of my child with those disabilities unless they were trained in how to handle his behaviors...

by Anonymous 7 on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:33 PM
You're not going to want to hear it but I would refuse to deal with him too.
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:34 PM
My parents haven't even met my kids at all
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:34 PM

I'm so sorry mama. I have a 25 YO autistic son. I had  the same issues and it hurts, I know. You love your son more than anyone. Us Mommy's (and Daddys) can handle things way more than anyone else in our childs lives. It hurts but we cannot expect them to feel like we do. Your family could have handled it much more tastefully. I suppose they didn't know how. Tell them how much it hurt. Post it on FB...without names. An open letter..about your son. Apologies are owed...they know it. Good Luck with your son Mama.  Motherhood.It's a tough road but oh so worthwhile.

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:34 PM

Honestly, I can sympathize with both of you. I know very little about any special needs, so I am very uncomfortable in situations such as yours. I would not feel comfortable babysitting, because I am uneducated. I don't have any close friends whose children have any "disorders" and neither do my children. I have never been exposed to anything like that, and I know my own limitations. However, just because I'm uneducated wouldn't excuse behavior such as that which your SIL is exhibiting. If I were her, I would ask for information. What exactly are all the disorders? What does he do that makes him more difficult to control? How do you deal with "acting out", and how would you like me to handle it? I know I must sound stupid, but I am uneducated, and I'm willing to learn and mean no disrespect whatsoever.

I also understand your POV--while this is not as severe, my daughter is red-headed and I am told literally almost daily how difficult she must be to control, and how she MUST be wild and terrible. I laugh because that couldn't be further from the truth. I've interviewed sitters who have told me they aren't able to handle redheads LOL. Really, now?! I can't imagine how it would feel if that were family that decided they couldn't handle it and didn't ask for help.

I'm really sorry OP. Your SIL is not acting in the best interest of the child, and that's shitty. Have you tried asking her if she'd like to learn more so she can be involved? 


by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:35 PM

THanks so much ladies. Logically I know that it's better for him to be with people that know how to help him through his metldowns and difficult moments. But emotionally it hurts.

I asked my mom, my sister and my sister in law to babysit this weekend. I asked months in advance. All three said they'd see. I just needed a babysitter from 7 PM ( bedtime at 8 ) until noon Saturday ( he wakes up at 8:30 on Saturday's - give or take 15 minutes) All three informed me that they can't do it.

I haven't had a break since my wedding night - July of 2011.

I guess that could be the root of my emotional breakdown tonight - I need some time away. I need to spend alone time with my husband, OUT doing something fun. I need some time to be Shelly and not mommy - just a few hours.

by Ruby Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:36 PM

yeah my dd is severely autistic as well as mentally handicapped and we get the same. My grandmother actually said dd was a brat and I was a bad mother to my face. People suck! Sorry.

Quoting Anonymous:

I can sympathize my son is autistic and no one wants anything to do with us either

It's Cassandra Cat! 

by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:38 PM

That is horrible ! Atleast my family just makes excuses

Quoting angelachristine:

yeah my dd is severely autistic as well as mentally handicapped and we get the same. My grandmother actually said dd was a brat and I was a bad mother to my face. People suck! Sorry.

Quoting Anonymous:

I can sympathize my son is autistic and no one wants anything to do with us either

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:38 PM
That's horrible! You aren't a bad mom and he isn't a bad kid. He just needs a little direction and extra care.
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by Platinum Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:39 PM

 I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.  I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I have a friend who has a child with ADHD but she has very good support from her family and her daughter is fairly well behaved except for some hyperactivity. I hate that your family feels it's O.K. to abandon you when you most need their help. All I can do is wish you luck and it's good to hear your son is doing so much better.

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