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Hurt - maybe I shouldn't be, but I am. Can't stop crying - Update

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

My son is 5 years old. From the time he was born until the time he was 3, my sister in law and brother were extremely involved in his life. To the point that I asked them to take him if something was to ever happen to me.

Weekends, evening, holiday's - he was the favorite. It was obvious to everyone. They don't have any children, she can't. She was in the delivery room with me when he was born, holding my hand and coaching me through it.

Shortly before the age of 3, I started seeing some problems in my son. Hyper all the time, behavior problems, extreme temper tantrums, meltdowns etc.

Slowly, people started to pull out of our lives, because of his behavior. My mom told me that she wouldn't babysit him anymore, and that I had to enroll him in daycare.

My mother in law would ask for my step daughter and completely ignore the fact that my son was standing right there asking if he could go too

My sister would offer to keep him, to give me a break and after she canceled on me of the 11th or 12th time, I just stopped responding when she would ask. She hasn't babysat him in well over 18 months now. Not even for an hour or two between shift changes for me and my husband.

My husbands family talked shit all over facebook about what a horrible mother I must be

But what hurt the most was my sister in law - one day she just didn't call, then she didn't return my call - then she stopped asking about him

Then came the diagnosis. ADHD-C, ODD, Emotional Dysregulation, Mood Disorder - NOS and Social Delays.

I told my sister in law - she said she didn't even know what to say.

Then tonight, she sent me an email and told me that she was sorry for pulling away, but that she didn't think she could handle my son's meltdowns, so she couldn't be with him alone

We have been doing medication, therapy, and extreme parenting changes and his behavior has done a complete 180.

It really hurts to have people tell you that they don't want to spend time with your child because he has disorders/delays - when for most of his life, those people were extremely involved.

It really hurts to be told that your sons delays are harder to handle than THREE kids together

I can't stop crying. He's such an amazing child - and no one wants to get to know him.


Thank you all for all of the support last night. I was an emotional wreck. I'm at work now, and I'm focusing on other things - so I am better. I just needed to get it all out last night.

My son is absolutely amazing. He really is. He wants to be in the Navy when he grows up. He is extremely into the Titanic. He can tell you how many people died when the Titanic sank, that the carpathia was the ship that came to help the people in the life boats, where exactly the titanic broke in half, when it departed, where it departed from etc.

He is also completely memorized by the solar system - he can and will tell anyone who will listen about why Pluto is not a planet, and the moons of Jupiter, all about the space ship that recently went to Mars

During Hurricane sandy, he was more informed than I was about the storm - it was amazing.

He gives these silly kisses, and the best hugs, he's so sensitive to the needs of others

He just struggles with typical social behaviors, hyperactivity and indirect commands

I emailed his psychologist about a play group or other social group for children with psychological/emotional problems

So we shall see what happens from there.

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:12 PM
Replies (81-90):
by Gold Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 10:59 AM

Oh mama I know how you feel :( I've cried many times because people don't "like" my son and won't even take the time to get to know him or his problems before judging him as a bad kid or me as a bad parent. I have an ADHD/ODD support group of CM mama's on FB if you ever want to join message me here. Sometimes its really hard to feel like the only one who loves your kid or see's how awesome they are. Lots of hugs.

by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 10:59 AM

Sad but true they just don't know how to handle the problems and maybe with time you cant teach them some methods you learned too .for them it;s like they want all the good times because they like the feeling they get from being with him when he behaves and when this doesnt happen they want out - like they cant or won't help either out of site and out of mind .This is really bad for your son too I would have a really good talk wit h them  all when is isn't present .And if i didnt see the changes made from them then I would have to move on for my  son's sake .He doesnt get a voice in what happened to them so he is hurt as well .Family ---------- we can't pick them either . Good Luck you son deserves family to love and accept him the way he is .p.s I have a grand son with disabilities  and other mothers used to pull their child away like they could catch this from him , sick or what !

by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:00 AM

Ah shoot, I didn't read the OPs response to this. I agree with this poster then. That IS unacceptable.

Quoting hnischke:

I'm sorry but that is unacceptable in my opinion. If they don't want to love and accept all of you then I would say they get none of you. They can't just pick and choose who they love like that.

Quoting Anonymous:

Thank you. I have tried to discuss his delays/disorders with family - this is what we're doing. This works, this doesn't etc. It just doesn't seem to work.No one seems interested in talking about it.

My family has a private group on facebook - If I post in there that he is making real progress no one even comments. If I post in there that my stepdaughter ( same exact age ) is doing well learning to read - I got 16 comments about how amazing she is.

I love my stepdaughter - but all I can think is, - She's not even "ours". He is "ours" and you con't even try to like him - what is wrong with you. ( and when I say ours, I mean as in my families. When my son was born, his father was not involved and on Christmas eve, my dad introduced my son to the whole family. When my Uncle asked where his father was, my dad said "He's ours. All of ours. He has enough family here" )

THey used to love him.

Quoting slvr115:

It's sad that they don't feel equipped to spend time with him anymore. But think of all the changes you had to go through just to get his behavior regulated. How would they know what to do. They're not choosing not to spend time with him 'because he has disorders/delays". They're afraid of his behavior and they don't feel equipped to handle it.

Instead, you could try to get together with them and your son. Maybe if you all spend some time together, they'll see how he has changed. But I, personally, would not want someone taking care of my child with those disabilities unless they were trained in how to handle his behaviors...

by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:00 AM

I am sorry about your little one. I am glad he is responding to treatment. I don't know what to say about your brother and sister in law. Except you might need to find a support group and be around people that understand your child and not judge.

by Anonymous 17 on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:01 AM
I'm sorry you feel this way. But I'm on the other end of this situation. My brother's kids are, for a lack of better word, crazy to the point where my kids don't want to be around them. My bro has 4 kids and has never done anything to help them or get them evaluated. My mom now has custody of his kids and she got all four of them evaluated and they all have adhd and one has asbergers as well. The 3yo is still in the evaluation process because he is beyond controllable. Now that my mom has been getting help for them, I love being around them and so do my kids. The little one is still out of control but at least we know how to handle him.
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:08 AM
My bff adopted a son, who has RAD, when he was 2, he's now 11. She has discussed w/ me all of his therapist appointments, his problems in school, and at home. She's shown me how to safely restrain him. What they use for discipline. When she needs a break, he comes to our house. Everybody needs a break, and somewhere their children can go that you feel comfortable sending them. Your family should step up and offer to learn how to work w/ your child. Maybe finding a daycare that works w/ your child's needs?? GL, sweetie.
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by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:16 AM
If they can't handle him at his worst, they sure as hell dont deserve him at his best. Fuck 'em. He obviously has a mother who cares deeply for him. He doesn't need those people who only want a "perfect" child.
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by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:36 AM

  I am sorry to hear about what you went through with your family.  I went through something similiar.  My daughter is now 14 years old.  She never hit any of her milestones as a baby, as a toddler etc.  She had eye surgery before she turned 3 for lazy eye and floating eye in both of her eyes.  She was behind.  I went to doctor appointments of many.  She has been in the special ed since she was 5 years old.  Chloe would bang her head to the point where her head would bleed.  It ended up being because we did not understand her. She was frustrated!

       I had family tell me that she must be retarded or something.  They were very negative.  They made me feel as though I was a bad parent and at one point in time I even considered that maybe true and that I should give her up for adoption.  I hated going to family reunions because I would always dread seeing my one aunt and getting the look from others.  You need to remember that God does not give us more than he knows we can handle.  

     Chloe ended up seeing a Psychologist that said she was ADD and AdHD.  He had her on all kinds of medication and such.  Which I did not recognize my child.  She seemed to be zoned out.  After three months of this I decided to take her off all the pills of which some were the same givien for people that had worse disorders Bipolar, Schitzophrinia.  Then i saw glimpses of my Chloe again a week after i took her off the medications.  

     Since that happened she saw many other specialist, Nuerology, had mris and other tests.  She is Cognitively impaired.  When she was in Kindergartedn, it was not a normal kindergarten, it was special ed.  She is now in the Middle School in 7th grade at 14 and she is doing great.  She needs the extra help in understanding things.  She is still in the special ed department getting the help she needs.

     The best thing that i can tell you is that it gets easier.  The hurt that you felt from family and friends gets better, you don't forget the feelings that you had.  You need to remember that the reason they reacted the way they did is because well to be honest your son was not what was considered normal to them.  It hurts I know.  They did not know what to do.  They should have talked to you about it instead of driffting away like they did.  I bet that makes you not want to have anything to do with them at times.  

   I totally get that.  You need to remember that God does not give us more than he knows that we can bare.  God has a plan for you and your husband.  

   I am not saying that your family are bad people.  They just don't understand!  No, they should have been there for you in the tough times.  Family always should.  I am so sorry that you went through that with your family.  I pray that it gets better.  People usually do not have anything to do with something when they do not have an understanding of it.

      I ended up confronting my aunt a few years ago and let her know by the things she said with the family behing my back and such that it really hurt my feelings. I told her that she should have tried giving me comfort when she knew I had rough times instead of asuming things and saying stuff to other family memebers.  She could not beleive that I confronted her.  She was glad i did.  Even though it was only a few years ago.  But I had enough!  

   Looking at my beautiful daughter Chloe now at age 14 you would not even think she had such a tough time when she was younger.  Anything is possible through the greatness of God!      I have now been married for 16 years and we have 5 children. Our oldest is Chloe at 14, then Shelby is 12, Gabe is 10, Sam is 5 and Lucas is 3.  

      It sounds as though that your son is doing great.  He is a Blessing to you and your husband.  I think the hardest thing in life is to be a parent.  You have many trials that come your way.  You need to do what is right for your family.  Your family being your husband and child.  You can choose to forgive those that wronged you.  Remember Jesus would always forgive.  But we are human.  It is hard to forgive those that hurt you or someone you love.  

     I am here if you ever want an ear.  Take care and Ihope that I was helpful.  

By the way do you have your son involved in play groups or is he now in school?  One of the best things you can do is have him involved with other kids.  

by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:42 AM

  I know to that at times you will need a break for yourself.  I pray that family will get envolved again so you get the me time you deserve for yourself and also to have a date night with your husband.  That is important.  Take care sweetie!

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 17, 2013 at 2:05 PM


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