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my daughters temper scares me.

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
It's true. She's 23 months old and since she was 4.5 months she's been throwing god awful tantrums. She will bang her head on the floor, throw herself backwards and then just flail about. She has injured herself several times and doesn't care. When she's super mad she throws things and gets so upset its scary. I dont know what to do with her. I worry that she might have some kind of issue and we don't see it. She doesn't like eye contact when she's freaking out and her fits can last two hours.

Does anyone have advice for us? This has been addressed with her doctor but not recently. Her pediatrician said it might be just a stage.
Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 17, 2013 at 4:56 PM
Replies (41-50):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 17, 2013 at 5:38 PM


With all respect, you sound very naive and are probably very new to A. parenting and B. human relations.  What research? Peer reviewed? Back it up.  Your opinions ARE just your opinions no matter how much you want to throw your weight around -- they are NOTHING compared to life experience, of which you appear to have none, judging by the way you talk.  I've been a mother far longer than you (unless you have a near teenager as well) and it's obvious that those of us who have had more practical experience as parents and  caregivers realize that ideas like yours sound good on paper, but don't really work well in the real world.  You can have all the degrees and research in the world, but lady, that doesn't mean jack shit when you're dealing with unique children, unique problems, and things your science can't solve.  Trust me, as a person who loves science herself, it's just not going to make the cut without practical experience.  Go get some.  

Quoting svolkov:

 as ive stated...my "opinions" arent really so much of opinions once they are backed by factual research and a much large study group ;) but glad your family is just fine.


Quoting Anonymous:


 Well, we will have to agree to disagree here.  I've personally seen the results of my methods work out very well for me, and for many others around me.  I thank God that my parents spanked me and taught me to fear authority, because it has served me very well.  My kids are hardly ever spanked, and are all wonderful human beings.  I always get glowing remarks about their behavior, and part of it is because they are afraid to disobey and afraid of the consequences.  They are also eager to do well and eager to make good lives for themselves.  I see where you are coming from -- I feel you are wrong.  That's okay however, because you are entitled to your opinion and entitled to raise your children the way you see fit -- as am I with mine.

Quoting svolkov:


there are so many better alternatives that are just as or more effective as physical punishment. respect for authority is much more ideal than fear. that teaches life long goals and ways to behave. if you only fear authority as a way to behave than once that is removed you no longer behave. my goal is for my children(and others as well) to behave because its desirable and the right thing to do...not because they fear retribution in the form of physical punishment

Quoting Anonymous:

 No, it's not scary -- it's true.  I remember as a kid, I was scared of my father but not my mother.  Guess who I obeyed? Not my mom.  I'm talking about a healthy fear, not a trembling in the corner fear.  I'm talking about a fear of spanking, as in, I won't do XYZ because my mom/dad WILL spank me and I WILL get things taken away , plus my mom and dad will be very disappointed and angry.  If you have no fear of authority, then you have no drive to do what is right, because there are no consequences.   I am in no way advocating abuse or beatings.  I DO definitely believe in a spanking and a firm hand.  It's been my experience that loving, gentle parenting coupled with firm and quick discipline produces well behaved children.  


Quoting svolkov:


i think you should do a bit more research. as an behavior analyst this comment scared me :/

Quoting Anonymous:


I think you are mistaken -- spanking is meant to scare a kid.  If she's scared of the spanking, then you're going a good job.  I promise you 2 year olds can certainly understand a spanking, and they can also understand when mommy and daddy are too timid to stand by their rules.  It sounds like you are letting your daughter manipulate you...at least to some degree.  

Quoting Anonymous:

No cuddles. Discipline is lost on her she doesn't comprehend it. Spanking doesn't work it only scares her more so we don't do that. She's only two she doesn't understand much.

Quoting Anonymous:

What di you do during and after these tantrums? Is she disciplined or coddled?















tricia1332
by Platinum Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 5:39 PM
Time to go to another dr.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 7 on Jan. 17, 2013 at 5:41 PM
I have 4 children, none of which have a had to spank. As toddlers they've ranged from sweet and easy to the epitome of terrible twos but in no moment of that did I consider hitting them. Tantrums are their way of dealing with frustration in the only way they know how and we did time outs, quiet time, redirection, even outside time (outside calmed my toddlers when in complete meltdown mode) we all came through it and they know they can express their feelings without fear and that their mother will love them,support them, and help them through it. Tantrum days are far behind and they're all empathetic, happy, well mannered children. I certainly don't agree with your methods but I can assure you that toddlers can be dealt with without spanking.

Quoting CV3:

Thank you for saying this. I was starting to think I was the only one who realized this. I agree with you 100% on the spanking.



And OP, I do think an evaluation is nessary. I dont know much about autism but that sounds more extreme than any normal kid I have ever known. Even for a non spanked child. (For lack of better term)




Quoting Anonymous:


LOL you haven't raised any kids, have you? It's not lazy, it's called parenting.  I'm not saying use spanking as the first line of discipline (unless the situation demands it, which is not often) but it's a very valuable tool and one parents should use when needed.  Spanking isn't meant to be used alone anyway, it's meant to be used along with other corrective measures.  I've raised four children with these methods and they are all wonderful human beings.  My parents used these methods along with the parents of most of kids I grew up with.  Guess what? We are all normal, well adjusted adults who are respectful of our elders and ourselves.  Spanking is a good tool with toddlers because they are too young to be reasoned with.  As they get older, the reasoning goes further and the spankings diminish until they are no longer necessary and the child is too old anyway.  



Quoting Anonymous:

Laziest shit I've ever heard... Too much effort to teach a teach a toddler correct behaviors and self control so I'll just hit them or alone to cry and eventually they'll learn not to do this and hopefully be sacredto displease me anymore.





Quoting Anonymous:

 No, it's not scary -- it's true.  I remember as a kid, I was scared of my father but not my mother.  Guess who I obeyed? Not my mom.  I'm talking about a healthy fear, not a trembling in the corner fear.  I'm talking about a fear of spanking, as in, I won't do XYZ because my mom/dad WILL spank me and I WILL get things taken away , plus my mom and dad will be very disappointed and angry.  If you have no fear of authority, then you have no drive to do what is right, because there are no consequences.   I am in no way advocating abuse or beatings.  I DO definitely believe in a spanking and a firm hand.  It's been my experience that loving, gentle parenting coupled with firm and quick discipline produces well behaved children.  





Quoting svolkov:





i think you should do a bit more research. as an behavior analyst this comment scared me :/




Quoting Anonymous:








I think you are mistaken -- spanking is meant to scare a kid.  If she's scared of the spanking, then you're going a good job.  I promise you 2 year olds can certainly understand a spanking, and they can also understand when mommy and daddy are too timid to stand by their rules.  It sounds like you are letting your daughter manipulate you...at least to some degree.  




Quoting Anonymous:

No cuddles. Discipline is lost on her she doesn't comprehend it. Spanking doesn't work it only scares her more so we don't do that. She's only two she doesn't understand much.




Quoting Anonymous:

What di you do during and after these tantrums? Is she disciplined or coddled?


























swmmra
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 5:42 PM
1 mom liked this

Does she make eye contact when she isn't angry and losing control, when she is being "normal"? From what you have described it sound like she needs to be referred to a specialist for further testing. Do the tantrums happen around the same time, or after or before a certain activity? I am an advocate of spanking, but in this case I don't believe that it would do any good. Your daughter is showing signs of "something else" going on. Maybe research the basket hold so that you can make sure that during these tantrums your child is not hurting herself, your other children or you. I don't like that you said she is showing signs of self injuring behavior and hour long tantrums. Try to get a referral asap so that you can learn how to help. A few suggestions for right now, try to make life "simpler" for her. When giving directions, give them in the step order that you want her to do them in. Example, put your socks and shoes on, don't say shoes and socks. Also, if doing the action or bahavior is not an option, don't phrase it as an option. It is cold outside, you need to put your coat on. Not, can you please put your coat on. If you phrase it in a question, that means that you are giving her an option when you didn't mean to. Good luck momma, I hope that you are able to get some answers!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 17, 2013 at 5:42 PM


Your "snob" attitude won't get your very far in the professional world, or with your children.  You also have no right to call this lady uneducated simply because she does not agree with your opinions.  There are many professionals who would disagree with some of the things you are saying.  Also, if you are such a professional what are you doing on cafe mom, arguing your banter with all of us uneducated and lazy moms? Well, that's right -- it's because you are no better than any of us other moms -- no matter how much you'd like to think your degree puts your on a pedastol -- it really does not.  True knowledge requires humility -- of which you appear to have none.  I feel sorry for your children. 

Quoting svolkov:


ill take snob any day over something less desirable. such as uneducated, lazy or similar. thanks!

Quoting Anonymous:


God you sound like a fucking snob

Quoting svolkov:


so do i. actually it does in this case. if my degree was say...micro biology or law...perhaps not. but yes i know my stuff when it comes to best behavior interventions...and WHY they are so effective. as does my track record. I have never yet had a single child that hasnt improved their behavior to what we were trying to achieve while i was working with them and their parents/teachers. thats a lot more than 5 or a handful. my guess would be hundreds at this point.  give or take.

Quoting Anonymous:

Its funny how I get compliments from every parent on how well behaved their kids are thanks to me....but hey that can't be because timeouts don't work on two year olds. Holding a degree doesn't always mean you know what your talking about

Quoting svolkov:



thats scary. as an applied behavior analyst who happens to hold a master's degree on the subject of behavior intervention(specifically those with autism), and a mother of three very well behaved children i find this comment amusing. i must be a fool ;) as are all those other people with letters after their names


Quoting Anonymous:

Actually yes I am licensed and I aslo have raised five very well behaved children of my own. And yes timeout does work for two year olds. Any fool who believes otherwise probably has very bratty two year olds. The kids in my care are taught to follow directions, sit quietly when need be, and to not throw tantrums.


Quoting svolkov:





wow. and the moms of these kids are ok with this??? time out only works starting around 3. redirection and pre-emptive measures work best for a 2 yr old. i hope you arent liscensed or anything. when you do time out is should be one minute for every yr they are old.



Quoting Anonymous:

You have just answered your own question. Two year olds are very smart. I do daycare and have 5 two year olds all day long. If you don't spank that is your choice. I would personaly pick her up ver firmy say " tantrums are not acceptable" then put here in her bed and say " you may come out when you stop" if mine got up but cont. The tantrum they got a swat an put back and told again not to come out until they were done. Repeat as many times as necasary.



Quoting Anonymous:

No cuddles. Discipline is lost on her she doesn't comprehend it. Spanking doesn't work it only scares her more so we don't do that. She's only two she doesn't understand much.





Quoting Anonymous:

What di you do during and after these tantrums? Is she disciplined or coddled?


















svolkov
by Emerald Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 5:44 PM

 

it would be very easy for you to google all this. all peer reviewed abstracts, govt research, and university text books. i have an undergrad in special ed and a master's degree in applied behavior analysis with an autism cert. I have worked for the DOD as a teacher and curriculum specialist and a pri vate company as an behavior analyst for the last 7 yrs (all together) i have 3 children of my own 8, 3, and 10 mo. my oldest has adhd which can be quite interesting as far as discipline. I have worked out of homes, schools, and hospital settings besides my own home of course. So no they arent just my opinion.

if you truly would like some of the research i can find some or scan some texts. it would take a bit of time tho but i can

Quoting Anonymous:

 

With all respect, you sound very naive and are probably very new to A. parenting and B. human relations.  What research? Peer reviewed? Back it up.  Your opinions ARE just your opinions no matter how much you want to throw your weight around -- they are NOTHING compared to life experience, of which you appear to have none, judging by the way you talk.  I've been a mother far longer than you (unless you have a near teenager as well) and it's obvious that those of us who have had more practical experience as parents and  caregivers realize that ideas like yours sound good on paper, but don't really work well in the real world.  You can have all the degrees and research in the world, but lady, that doesn't mean jack shit when you're dealing with unique children, unique problems, and things your science can't solve.  Trust me, as a person who loves science herself, it's just not going to make the cut without practical experience.  Go get some.  

Quoting svolkov:

 as ive stated...my "opinions" arent really so much of opinions once they are backed by factual research and a much large study group ;) but glad your family is just fine.

 

Quoting Anonymous:

 

 Well, we will have to agree to disagree here.  I've personally seen the results of my methods work out very well for me, and for many others around me.  I thank God that my parents spanked me and taught me to fear authority, because it has served me very well.  My kids are hardly ever spanked, and are all wonderful human beings.  I always get glowing remarks about their behavior, and part of it is because they are afraid to disobey and afraid of the consequences.  They are also eager to do well and eager to make good lives for themselves.  I see where you are coming from -- I feel you are wrong.  That's okay however, because you are entitled to your opinion and entitled to raise your children the way you see fit -- as am I with mine.

Quoting svolkov:

 

there are so many better alternatives that are just as or more effective as physical punishment. respect for authority is much more ideal than fear. that teaches life long goals and ways to behave. if you only fear authority as a way to behave than once that is removed you no longer behave. my goal is for my children(and others as well) to behave because its desirable and the right thing to do...not because they fear retribution in the form of physical punishment

Quoting Anonymous:

 No, it's not scary -- it's true.  I remember as a kid, I was scared of my father but not my mother.  Guess who I obeyed? Not my mom.  I'm talking about a healthy fear, not a trembling in the corner fear.  I'm talking about a fear of spanking, as in, I won't do XYZ because my mom/dad WILL spank me and I WILL get things taken away , plus my mom and dad will be very disappointed and angry.  If you have no fear of authority, then you have no drive to do what is right, because there are no consequences.   I am in no way advocating abuse or beatings.  I DO definitely believe in a spanking and a firm hand.  It's been my experience that loving, gentle parenting coupled with firm and quick discipline produces well behaved children.  

 

Quoting svolkov:

 

i think you should do a bit more research. as an behavior analyst this comment scared me :/

Quoting Anonymous:

 

I think you are mistaken -- spanking is meant to scare a kid.  If she's scared of the spanking, then you're going a good job.  I promise you 2 year olds can certainly understand a spanking, and they can also understand when mommy and daddy are too timid to stand by their rules.  It sounds like you are letting your daughter manipulate you...at least to some degree.  

Quoting Anonymous:

No cuddles. Discipline is lost on her she doesn't comprehend it. Spanking doesn't work it only scares her more so we don't do that. She's only two she doesn't understand much.

Quoting Anonymous:

What di you do during and after these tantrums? Is she disciplined or coddled?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

LACHESIS
by Bronze Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 5:45 PM

This is how my 4 (almost 5 years old) old acts.  I am at my wits end. What worked with my boys, does not work with her. AT all. 

Quoting Anonymous:

She does see red. Once she gets mad or "freaks' there's absolutely nothing that can be done to calm her down. 

Come check out the  ✶The Mommy Club✶
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YzmaRocks
by Ruby Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 5:47 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree with this. My son is autistic and he acted like that. He still does sometimes but therapy has helped him greatly.

Quoting svolkov:

go back. ask to see a specialized pedi or a psychologist. no eye contact is a big red flag for autism. not to scare at all but id go get it checked. check out http://www.firstsigns.org/ too


 

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
svolkov
by Emerald Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 5:48 PM

 

i have actually done very well in the prof world as well as with my own kids and personal relationships. there are many professional moms that debate points with plenty of regular people. also i didnt call her uneducated i stated that i would prefer snob to other names.  i am not acting in a professional capacity on here. luckily i dont have to worry about this mom(op) taking horrid advice for a child that might have special circumstances. however there are many many moms on this sight that do look for advice and my goal in arguing my point on here is to hopefully make sure a few dont take bad advice. that being said yes i do get annoyed just like anyone else lol. i have a few areas there are particularly easy for me to get annoyed. this is one.

Quoting Anonymous:

 

Your "snob" attitude won't get your very far in the professional world, or with your children.  You also have no right to call this lady uneducated simply because she does not agree with your opinions.  There are many professionals who would disagree with some of the things you are saying.  Also, if you are such a professional what are you doing on cafe mom, arguing your banter with all of us uneducated and lazy moms? Well, that's right -- it's because you are no better than any of us other moms -- no matter how much you'd like to think your degree puts your on a pedastol -- it really does not.  True knowledge requires humility -- of which you appear to have none.  I feel sorry for your children. 

Quoting svolkov:

 

ill take snob any day over something less desirable. such as uneducated, lazy or similar. thanks!

Quoting Anonymous:

 

God you sound like a fucking snob

Quoting svolkov:

 

so do i. actually it does in this case. if my degree was say...micro biology or law...perhaps not. but yes i know my stuff when it comes to best behavior interventions...and WHY they are so effective. as does my track record. I have never yet had a single child that hasnt improved their behavior to what we were trying to achieve while i was working with them and their parents/teachers. thats a lot more than 5 or a handful. my guess would be hundreds at this point.  give or take.

Quoting Anonymous:

Its funny how I get compliments from every parent on how well behaved their kids are thanks to me....but hey that can't be because timeouts don't work on two year olds. Holding a degree doesn't always mean you know what your talking about

Quoting svolkov:

 


thats scary. as an applied behavior analyst who happens to hold a master's degree on the subject of behavior intervention(specifically those with autism), and a mother of three very well behaved children i find this comment amusing. i must be a fool ;) as are all those other people with letters after their names


Quoting Anonymous:

Actually yes I am licensed and I aslo have raised five very well behaved children of my own. And yes timeout does work for two year olds. Any fool who believes otherwise probably has very bratty two year olds. The kids in my care are taught to follow directions, sit quietly when need be, and to not throw tantrums.


Quoting svolkov:


 



wow. and the moms of these kids are ok with this??? time out only works starting around 3. redirection and pre-emptive measures work best for a 2 yr old. i hope you arent liscensed or anything. when you do time out is should be one minute for every yr they are old.



Quoting Anonymous:

You have just answered your own question. Two year olds are very smart. I do daycare and have 5 two year olds all day long. If you don't spank that is your choice. I would personaly pick her up ver firmy say " tantrums are not acceptable" then put here in her bed and say " you may come out when you stop" if mine got up but cont. The tantrum they got a swat an put back and told again not to come out until they were done. Repeat as many times as necasary.



Quoting Anonymous:

No cuddles. Discipline is lost on her she doesn't comprehend it. Spanking doesn't work it only scares her more so we don't do that. She's only two she doesn't understand much.





Quoting Anonymous:

What di you do during and after these tantrums? Is she disciplined or coddled?


 



 


 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 7 on Jan. 17, 2013 at 5:49 PM
I'm sure they'd be happy to have your expert opinion if they ever came across a child they couldn't beat it out of!

Quoting svolkov:

 


it would be very easy for you to google all this. all peer reviewed abstracts, govt research, and university text books. i have an undergrad in special ed and a master's degree in applied behavior analysis with an autism cert. I have worked for the DOD as a teacher and curriculum specialist and a pri vate company as an behavior analyst for the last 7 yrs (all together) i have 3 children of my own 8, 3, and 10 mo. my oldest has adhd which can be quite interesting as far as discipline. I have worked out of homes, schools, and hospital settings besides my own home of course. So no they arent just my opinion.


if you truly would like some of the research i can find some or scan some texts. it would take a bit of time tho but i can


Quoting Anonymous:


 


With all respect, you sound very naive and are probably very new to A. parenting and B. human relations.  What research? Peer reviewed? Back it up.  Your opinions ARE just your opinions no matter how much you want to throw your weight around -- they are NOTHING compared to life experience, of which you appear to have none, judging by the way you talk.  I've been a mother far longer than you (unless you have a near teenager as well) and it's obvious that those of us who have had more practical experience as parents and  caregivers realize that ideas like yours sound good on paper, but don't really work well in the real world.  You can have all the degrees and research in the world, but lady, that doesn't mean jack shit when you're dealing with unique children, unique problems, and things your science can't solve.  Trust me, as a person who loves science herself, it's just not going to make the cut without practical experience.  Go get some.  


Quoting svolkov:


 as ive stated...my "opinions" arent really so much of opinions once they are backed by factual research and a much large study group ;) but glad your family is just fine.


 


Quoting Anonymous:


 


 Well, we will have to agree to disagree here.  I've personally seen the results of my methods work out very well for me, and for many others around me.  I thank God that my parents spanked me and taught me to fear authority, because it has served me very well.  My kids are hardly ever spanked, and are all wonderful human beings.  I always get glowing remarks about their behavior, and part of it is because they are afraid to disobey and afraid of the consequences.  They are also eager to do well and eager to make good lives for themselves.  I see where you are coming from -- I feel you are wrong.  That's okay however, because you are entitled to your opinion and entitled to raise your children the way you see fit -- as am I with mine.


Quoting svolkov:


 


there are so many better alternatives that are just as or more effective as physical punishment. respect for authority is much more ideal than fear. that teaches life long goals and ways to behave. if you only fear authority as a way to behave than once that is removed you no longer behave. my goal is for my children(and others as well) to behave because its desirable and the right thing to do...not because they fear retribution in the form of physical punishment


Quoting Anonymous:


 No, it's not scary -- it's true.  I remember as a kid, I was scared of my father but not my mother.  Guess who I obeyed? Not my mom.  I'm talking about a healthy fear, not a trembling in the corner fear.  I'm talking about a fear of spanking, as in, I won't do XYZ because my mom/dad WILL spank me and I WILL get things taken away , plus my mom and dad will be very disappointed and angry.  If you have no fear of authority, then you have no drive to do what is right, because there are no consequences.   I am in no way advocating abuse or beatings.  I DO definitely believe in a spanking and a firm hand.  It's been my experience that loving, gentle parenting coupled with firm and quick discipline produces well behaved children.  


 


Quoting svolkov:


 


i think you should do a bit more research. as an behavior analyst this comment scared me :/


Quoting Anonymous:


 


I think you are mistaken -- spanking is meant to scare a kid.  If she's scared of the spanking, then you're going a good job.  I promise you 2 year olds can certainly understand a spanking, and they can also understand when mommy and daddy are too timid to stand by their rules.  It sounds like you are letting your daughter manipulate you...at least to some degree.  


Quoting Anonymous:

No cuddles. Discipline is lost on her she doesn't comprehend it. Spanking doesn't work it only scares her more so we don't do that. She's only two she doesn't understand much.


Quoting Anonymous:

What di you do during and after these tantrums? Is she disciplined or coddled?

 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 




 

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