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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

She cries over EVERYTHING!!!

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Dd is driving me nuts.  She'll be 5 in two weeks.  Somewhere along the way, we raised a difficult child.


She doesn't demand toys at the store, and she's great about sharing and taking turns, but she does demand things be done *her* way.  I don't understand the sense of entitlement though, because unless it's made clear from the get-go that her choices mean a damn, she never gets a say!  This child does not pick where we go, what we eat, etc, so it's not like we've given her the idea that she gets to make any real decisions about our household.  Not to say she never gets to decide anything, but it's more like, if we're going to watch a movie, she gets to pick which one (and usually out of a selection).  


If we tell her to hurry up because she's late for school or dance class, she yells back to "stop talking to her" and then starts wailing.  Loud, siren-like wails.  Same thing if we tell her to try to go potty.  Or to do anything.  It takes everything to stop myself from "giving her a reason to cry."


What do I do?  Ignoring it only turns the sirens into blood-curdling screams.  Spanking turns the sirens into screams.  I lose the yelling matches (she's louder than me). Tossing her out the window would probably alert the neighbors.  


We try reasoning with her after she's calmed down and explaining that while she can cry all she pleases, she may not do so at such a high volume.  She agrees, but then it happens again.


Punishing her by taking toys away doesn't impact her.  At that split second, she's really pissed off, but 5 seconds later, the toy doesn't matter.  Toss it, for all she cares....she's got an imagination to entertain herself with.


I am pregnant and very worried about this continuing after baby arrives.  And as much as I'd like to blame the realization that there's an impending sibling on this behavior, it's been going on long before the newest bun hopped in the oven.  Wits end here.  Please help.

by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 9:23 AM
Replies (41-50):
SunshineBird
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:16 AM


To me it sounds like she is very frustrated with being unable to identify her feelings. One trick someone suggested to me when dealing with confrontation (works with kids and adults too) is to sit next to her when trying to talk. It gives her the feeling of being on the same "team" rather than opposition. It might be as simple as she feels disagreeable with you because she feels like you two are opposed. 


Quoting Sagely:

This seems very logical, but we just don't fit in that pretty little box.  If we did, this could all be alleviated with a little extra patience and kindness.  Truthfully, my kid's just stubborn as hell.


She does get choices every day.  Shall we call them "controlled choices?"  She picks out her bedtime stories, her pajamas, what color to wear to school tomorrow, stuff like that.  We may even ask her "what do YOU want to do today?" and try to accomodate if the request isn't ridiculous.


But if I'm making dinner and she says she "doesn't like it," too damn bad, kid.  She doesn't get to pick bed time.  In general, routines have been established, and they don't change unless there's something crazy going on like a holiday or special event that just throws everything off.


If I ask her to explain anything, she shuts down.  I cannot get an explanation out of that child whether I ask "why did you pee on the floor instead of the potty" or "why is purple your favorite color."  She refuses explanations (but does understand that "why" should be answered with "because").  Her favorite phrase is "I don't know!!"  


I have tried everything I could possibly think of to get an explanation out of that child.  Having her tell stories, use her stuffed animals in a similar scenario and ask why the stuffed animals did what they did, draw a picture of her thoughts, etc.  Nothin.


But you'd better not deny her an explanation when she asks why!

Quoting PinkParadox:

She's developing her own personality, and wants to feel some control over herself. Find ways to give her more choices. Even if it's between two or three things. Sit and let her help develop her own morning routine. She cries because she feels frustrated, but can't quite explain why. Then you feel frustrated and it just escalates. Also, when she explains, try to let her know you're listening, and repeat it back to her in your explanation...so she knows she's being heard.




prieta05
by Gold Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:16 AM
1 mom liked this
Lmao i was just gonna say this give her a real reason to cry or pop her lol


Quoting dudestfd:

Give her the reason to cry and tell her to be quite, my 21 month old is the same way. I tell her to be quiet and if she doesn't I pop her, give her 10 seconds of crying for a reason, and then tell her to dry it up. The last thing you need is for her to freak out the baby with the unnecessary screams and squeals when it gets there. It will always be in edge and everyone knows how well babies sleep with something screaming or freaking out around it. 


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Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:16 AM
Lol. Hopefuly it's a phase.


Quoting Sagely:

Meh, I'm venting on the internet.  I do turn bitchy when fed up.


She has no reason to be fed up.  This morning, we had cinnamon rolls and watched cartoons.  Then she had to get ready for dance class (which she LOVES), but because that included such an atrocity as brushing her teeth in less than 45 minutes, we had a meltdown.


She can't take that long to brush her teeth.  Dance class would be over.  And as great of a lesson as it might be to teach her that if she doesn't hurry up, that she'll miss the class...she'll get over it long before I will.  I paid over $1,000 for that class.  Her ass is going.

Quoting Anonymous:

You come across as a bit of a bitch. Maybe she's acting like she sees.



TheMrs407
by Emerald Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:18 AM
How long have you tried ignoring it? What does she do that gets good attention?
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 8 on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:19 AM
I think some of it is her age 6 year olds can be SUPER bossy in relationship (my 6 year olds at work are simultaneously the cutest and most annoying kids). They seem old, but are emotionally still little.

Emotional coaching and I-statments really helps me with my own kid (but he is 2) and setting things up.

So....when she cries because she isn't getting dressed like she should: "Hey, Anna, when you said not to talk to you, that made me feel sad because that was not nice to say. We don't speak like to each other in this house. What I need you to do is move more quickly to get dressed by the time the oven timer goes off in 3 minutes"" .....you can also tack on a consequence at the end if you need to be it for the way she speaks to you or for being late.

You can look up the I statements online and see if they jive with your style. They sound cheesy but it helps model good communication and they work well, even with my at risk youth at work

Also, labeling her emotions and taking her through them can help both of you. Set up a plan for how to handle them so "Hey, Anna, you sound frustrated, what is making you frustrated? (And the. Address the rude speech once she cools down and you can be effective)

And, setting up a plan first can cut down on a lot of behavioral issues so "Hey, Anna, it is time to get dressed for the data so we can go have a lot of fun doin -----------, it is going to be AWESOME, but we have to get dressed first! So, we are going to go into your room, grab undies, pants and a shirt and get dressed, THEN we are going to hop on one foot out to the car! On your marks....get set...GO!!!!!"

These are some things that have helped me wade through behavioral issues with the kids I hve worked with, and my own.

Source: nanny for 5 years and now manage an after school program for at-risk youth (and some serious behavioral issues pop up)

trl12081208
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:19 AM
Listen if you are not willing to forgo a dance class to focus on parenting then you have your priorities confused. Every child has something that is very important to them. If dance class is her most favorite thing then there you have it. You have to be willing to do the hard work but you are also very stubborn. In ten years you won't be able to handle her and society will do it for you. I would start with seeing her school social worker. If she isn't doing this at school then this is a home problem. I believe that you are not as consistent as you think. Don't give up. Get help.


Quoting Sagely:

Meh, I'm venting on the internet.  I do turn bitchy when fed up.


She has no reason to be fed up.  This morning, we had cinnamon rolls and watched cartoons.  Then she had to get ready for dance class (which she LOVES), but because that included such an atrocity as brushing her teeth in less than 45 minutes, we had a meltdown.


She can't take that long to brush her teeth.  Dance class would be over.  And as great of a lesson as it might be to teach her that if she doesn't hurry up, that she'll miss the class...she'll get over it long before I will.  I paid over $1,000 for that class.  Her ass is going.

Quoting Anonymous:

You come across as a bit of a bitch. Maybe she's acting like she sees.



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PinkParadox
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:21 AM
I didn't say you fit into a box, that's rude. I have two girls 5 & 7. One is a drama queen that has a hard time actually talking about what's wrong. The other will only choose the option you didn't give her. The point is, you can't both be stubborn about everything. The child you have the hardest time with, is generally the one most like yourself. Bedtime is what it is, but even dinner can be a compromise. Write down a weekly menu and post it for everyone to see. Let her choose between two vegetables...or whatever. Sometimes she gonna throw a fit and there's no stopping it. Have her sit on her bed until it's done and try again. But, if she's not communicating with you, you need to figure out why. Not only will it get harder with a new baby...but if you don't figure it out, you'll have serious issues as she gets older.

Quoting Sagely:

This seems very logical, but we just don't fit in that pretty little box.  If we did, this could all be alleviated with a little extra patience and kindness.  Truthfully, my kid's just stubborn as hell.


She does get choices every day.  Shall we call them "controlled choices?"  She picks out her bedtime stories, her pajamas, what color to wear to school tomorrow, stuff like that.  We may even ask her "what do YOU want to do today?" and try to accomodate if the request isn't ridiculous.


But if I'm making dinner and she says she "doesn't like it," too damn bad, kid.  She doesn't get to pick bed time.  In general, routines have been established, and they don't change unless there's something crazy going on like a holiday or special event that just throws everything off.


If I ask her to explain anything, she shuts down.  I cannot get an explanation out of that child whether I ask "why did you pee on the floor instead of the potty" or "why is purple your favorite color."  She refuses explanations (but does understand that "why" should be answered with "because").  Her favorite phrase is "I don't know!!"  


I have tried everything I could possibly think of to get an explanation out of that child.  Having her tell stories, use her stuffed animals in a similar scenario and ask why the stuffed animals did what they did, draw a picture of her thoughts, etc.  Nothin.


But you'd better not deny her an explanation when she asks why!

Quoting PinkParadox:

She's developing her own personality, and wants to feel some control over herself. Find ways to give her more choices. Even if it's between two or three things. Sit and let her help develop her own morning routine. She cries because she feels frustrated, but can't quite explain why. Then you feel frustrated and it just escalates. Also, when she explains, try to let her know you're listening, and repeat it back to her in your explanation...so she knows she's being heard.


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MamaMoopsie
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:21 AM

It's partially the age, I kid you not. The almost 5-8 range is my hate age. I can't stand kids (even my own) in this age bracket. They are learning that in this world if you don't speak up, you don't get heard. They learn in school (or pre-school) that they get to make bigger decisions than they were used to.

What I do with my kids is when they start throwing a fit like that is say "I'm sorry, but I can't help because you're crying and screaming. When you're done, come see me and we'll talk." Then I walk away. If they follow and keep going on and on with the fit, I will carry them to their room and leave them there. Yes, she'll scream for a while and then she'll figure out it isn't working. Eventually my kids will all come to me and try to control themselves and even if they still don't get their way, they at least get heard and that seems to help them calm down.

PinkParadox
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:25 AM
Have you tried telling her that no one will want to dance next to her, because her mouth stinks? Have you tried making a dry erase chart or sticker chart with her routine...so she can mark it off? Have you tried racing her, or turning on some music and brushing together?

Quoting Sagely:

Meh, I'm venting on the internet.  I do turn bitchy when fed up.


She has no reason to be fed up.  This morning, we had cinnamon rolls and watched cartoons.  Then she had to get ready for dance class (which she LOVES), but because that included such an atrocity as brushing her teeth in less than 45 minutes, we had a meltdown.


She can't take that long to brush her teeth.  Dance class would be over.  And as great of a lesson as it might be to teach her that if she doesn't hurry up, that she'll miss the class...she'll get over it long before I will.  I paid over $1,000 for that class.  Her ass is going.

Quoting Anonymous:

You come across as a bit of a bitch. Maybe she's acting like she sees.


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siennasmamma
by Gold Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:26 AM
I think this is fairly normal for some 5 year olds. It will most likely pass with time. Have you tried the "naughty corner"? Even if you put her there and she is screaming bloody murder, you make sure she stays there until she stops no matter what. She gets up, you put her right back. You ignore her as she screams. Consistency is everything. I've seen that approach work many times on seriously out of control kids. So it could work for her because she doesn't sound like she's out of control yet. She sounds like a good kid otherwise. Good luck!
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