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I need help..........PLEASE NO BASHING

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

I have been with my DH for 14 years now. We have been married for 9 years. He has an addiction to crack cocaine and I am fat. Neither one of us are perfect but I try so hard to show him that I love him and encourage him to get clean. He typically spends on average of about 100.00 a week on crack. I work a full time job and so does he. Our kids do not do without anything but I know that we could do so much more with the money he blows. We have had a big argument today because he asked for 20.00 last night but instead took 40.00. It was out of his paycheck not mine. I feel that any money made by either one of us belongs to the other because we are married. Now for my questions. 

1. He calls me stupid and tells me that he is using the word correctly. It hurts but not as much as it used to. I tell him that just because he feels that he is using a word correctly he still should not do it if it hurts the other person. Am I right or am I wrong.

2. He tells me that he will not stop spending the money. Is it ok for him to blow this money. He says that if he is not spending it on the drug he will spend it some where else. I feel that this is selfish. is this right or is this wrong.

3. I yell A LOT. I am not making excuses and I am trying so hard to not do this but it happens. I am stressed. I work full time and I have 3 kids. My kids get out of control and wont stop until I am yelling so I yell. I have really been trying to change this. Today I got on the kids level and told them to use quiet feet (no running) quiet mouths (no screaming) and nice hands (no hitting)  I yelled one time this morning in 3 hours after reminding dear son constantly to be good. 

4. He does most of the cleaning and cooking around the house. I handle all of the finances. I try to show him how much I appreciate what he does but all he wants is money and we cant afford that. I got up this morning and cleaned the house before he got up. That was my way of doing my part and saying thank you. 

5. I asked to see his phone last night so I could install an app for him. When he gave it to me he had a picture on it of an anime character with her boobs in the front and center of the screen. They were partially covered with a blue shirt but still a very sexy picture. I feel this is disrespectful to me. Am I wrong? He calls me fat a lot and he thinks that tearing me down will make me loose weight. I guess make me fight back I dont know. All it does is kills me. I have asked him to help me. Count crunches, push ups, ect. 

He is emotionaly abusive to me. I feel dead inside. Yes I cried today when he ripped me apart because I told him that he lied but he left and the tears stopped. I am numb. I dont care any more. I need opinions....facts just no bashing PLEASE. I have tried to stay with him but it is taking it's toll. I feel like crack has won and I have lost. 
 

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 19, 2013 at 12:54 PM
Replies (81-90):
viv212
by Gold Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 5:08 PM
This. You have became an enabler and are teaching your kids to be the same. You can break the cycle- you will be amazed at how many people are on your side to fix this for yourself. You have to let hubby break his cycle by himself- he needs to hit rock bottom.

Quoting Anonymous:

You will not win over the drugs. They control him and in turn are also controlling you and your kids. He not give up the drugs until he wants to or he hits rock bottom. He will not ever hit rock bottom as long as you are there picking up the pieces and enabling him. He calls you fat and stupid to control you and make you feel like you cannot do any better. He does this and it works because you are still there. If he didn't call you names, you wouldn't have such a low self-esteem and you would have already realized you are better than that and you would have left. People will do anything for crack. If he didn't have money and needed it, he could do something that puts your life at risk and your children's lives. I have seen great people who are loving spouses and loving parents turn into the worst type of person because of drugs. Also, stress and emotions can cause people to put on weight or not lose excess weight. Are you stress eating? I highly recommend you leave for you and your children and tell him that if he Evers stops using crack he can call you and you will see if things can be fixed or if it's just to late. If you are not willing to do that, at least go to Alanon meetings. There are people there that will help you. These people have all lived with an addict and can help you with dealing with yours. They will give you the support you need and they will not judge you. Once you become comfortable with the meetings and the people there, ask them to help you with helping your children deal with living with an addict. Everything you are going through, and feel, your children are going through and are feeling too. If you don't do it for yourself, at least do it for hour children. There are also support groups online that can help you if you cannot go to a meeting.
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viv212
by Gold Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 5:10 PM
I'm sorry- you don't have to answer but you're leaving because your DH is addicted to weed?

Quoting Anonymous:

This is my answer right here!!!

I too am married to a pot head under the guise of medical usage but it is so much more!!! Currently I am paying bills and saving money, getting birth certificates,etc... ya know, getting my ducks in a row so I am prepared to leave within the year espeially if he continues down this path. Mine has no wish to change and will not get any help sounds like yours is the same. Sorry for your challenges Oh and I too am fat (size 20 at 5'9") thats right, I'm fat, piss me off and I'll sit on you and squish you so STFU!!! hahaha Good Luck!!

Quoting tossed:

It is hard to be reasonable with a drug addict. Protect yourself.


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My-mono-twins
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 5:11 PM

 Hmmm, been there done that! time to go!

mamalusbear
by Platinum Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 5:11 PM

What about an intervention and rehab for him?  

Amiehart62
by Platinum Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 5:15 PM
Aren't you scared the authorities will find out you have drugs in your home and take your kids?

Serious question and not bashing...

That's very scary I would go see a doctor (for you) you sound depressed and this can be helped and is the simplest part in my opinion.

You can counsel but that won't stop him from doing drugs. People on drugs are different than they are off of drugs...the abuse could be because of the drugs.

Tell him he needs to go to rehab for your marriage to work 90 days no less and he has to complete it. This will give you time to get help for yourself and see if you would be happy on your own. If he completes it give it a month or two chance and see if he has really changed and go from there.


Help yourself first but make it clear to him he is a risk to you and your kids. Don't let him be the reason your kids are not in your care. If he loves you he will agree to this, which is very generous in my opinion.
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Nikkijessie
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 5:16 PM
It's not something you should put yourself or kids thru. If he can't get clean maybe you should leave it might be the best choice for you. You shouldn't put up with the way he's treating you
Anonymous
by Anonymous 7 on Jan. 19, 2013 at 5:21 PM

Yes but because his behavior is addictive and becomes violently angry if he does not get his "fix" on smoking. My (ours and his) children have been affected by these outbursts!! It has greatly impacted or finances and he will choose to buy pot over milk for the kids.

He is willing to smoke with our teen boys but does not since I am around and yes, he smokes with his other older children - different mom - since they were about 15. I do not agree with this!!!

I am supportive of medical marijuana but this is the negative story of the abuse of the medical situation - his diagnosis is fibromyalgia - also he takes lots of pills to combat his pain and truthfully when he smokes he still complains of pain.

Quoting viv212:

I'm sorry- you don't have to answer but you're leaving because your DH is addicted to weed?

Quoting Anonymous:

This is my answer right here!!!

I too am married to a pot head under the guise of medical usage but it is so much more!!! Currently I am paying bills and saving money, getting birth certificates,etc... ya know, getting my ducks in a row so I am prepared to leave within the year espeially if he continues down this path. Mine has no wish to change and will not get any help sounds like yours is the same. Sorry for your challenges Oh and I too am fat (size 20 at 5'9") thats right, I'm fat, piss me off and I'll sit on you and squish you so STFU!!! hahaha Good Luck!!

Quoting tossed:

It is hard to be reasonable with a drug addict. Protect yourself.



xomrsweaver
by Gold Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 5:23 PM

Your fat so its OK for him to be a crackhead? You can't reason with someone with a drug addiction like that. Before you know it, you will have no money left to reason with. He needs to get help or you need to leave. I mean seriously, how can you even question that he has a problem. 

viv212
by Gold Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 5:51 PM
I understand the situation. But it's not because of weed- or lack of. He's using that as an excuse.

Quoting Anonymous:

Yes but because his behavior is addictive and becomes violently angry if he does not get his "fix" on smoking. My (ours and his) children have been affected by these outbursts!! It has greatly impacted or finances and he will choose to buy pot over milk for the kids.

He is willing to smoke with our teen boys but does not since I am around and yes, he smokes with his other older children - different mom - since they were about 15. I do not agree with this!!!

I am supportive of medical marijuana but this is the negative story of the abuse of the medical situation - his diagnosis is fibromyalgia - also he takes lots of pills to combat his pain and truthfully when he smokes he still complains of pain.

Quoting viv212:

I'm sorry- you don't have to answer but you're leaving because your DH is addicted to weed?



Quoting Anonymous:

This is my answer right here!!!

I too am married to a pot head under the guise of medical usage but it is so much more!!! Currently I am paying bills and saving money, getting birth certificates,etc... ya know, getting my ducks in a row so I am prepared to leave within the year espeially if he continues down this path. Mine has no wish to change and will not get any help sounds like yours is the same. Sorry for your challenges Oh and I too am fat (size 20 at 5'9") thats right, I'm fat, piss me off and I'll sit on you and squish you so STFU!!! hahaha Good Luck!!

Quoting tossed:

It is hard to be reasonable with a drug addict. Protect yourself.



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Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:09 PM

Thank you thank you thank you. I know I am strong and I can over come this and I will. This has been quite an enlightening day and I am ready for him to go for a while until he can figure out what it is HE wants in life.  

Quoting Anonymous:

You have three people in your marriage, you, your husband and hus addiction. I am shocked that he can really maintain a full time jib and do all of the household chores and still keep up this habit. You must understand that with all addictions, the frequency and intensity of use will progress which will further impact the family finances. The man is a drug addict and needs to be in treatment and you are enabling this by not setting a clear boundary about what you will and will not accept in your relationship. Please get some professional help with a therapist who has expertise in addiction and co- dependancy. If he will not change, do not get sucked down into his abuse and self destructive life style. Who the heck cares what size you are or if you yell, I think it is amazing that you are still functioning as well as you are. I am a wife, mother of two daughters and clinical therapist.



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